


Cosmic Dust

by DeadpanSnarker



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming of Age, Fluff and Angst, Heavy theme'd, M/M, Romance, Slow Burn, Unresolved Sexual Tension, backgeound jeongcheol, some endgame here ohoho, wonhoe is a teacher ayy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2017-01-12
Packaged: 2018-08-07 17:19:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 124,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7723108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeadpanSnarker/pseuds/DeadpanSnarker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The child in Jihoon knows nothing but the star-clusters in the sky where he looks; the grown-up in him knows nothing but the problem-clusters in the gutter where he dwells. Indeed his eyes might be familiar with the mantled sky—a moonless sky so dark in which a star threatens to become overwhelmingly bright—but his heart becomes a foreigner in its body when the star dazzles him and starts to become his very own silver lining.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sagittarius

** Part One, **

** Metorite **

 

 

The portentous silence.

An eternal feeling of impending doom closing in, slowly, slowly … slowly.

A constant heartbeat with the steady pump … another episode.

It isn’t one incident that changes your life; it isn’t one mistake that forces your life to go awry. You stumble a lot, falling each time, injuring a part of your body, sometimes, you were born under a star, and the wound was only skin-deep, other times it could be as fatal as to affect an internal organ, it was as you stumbled and as for how long you had stayed down after you had fallen is what really counts. It wasn’t just one incident, plenty of dismal events occur, a duration of distinct phases of the long ride, maybe you were unlucky enough to have them pouring on you; consecutive; no breather, but it was you who decide which was most drastic, and hence _it_ will forever be carrying the name of _The Incident._ The date will be engraved on your memory to always be referred to as _since that day._ It is nothing special that a certain mishap happened to you, just because it wasn’t frequently mentioned in the ‘tragedy’ category, it doesn’t make it individualistic. Everyone suffered …suffers, they undergo similar misfortunes, different timing is the only variant. Some better at handling misfortunes than the others. That was all to it.

… some wounds healing faster than others, but no wounds ever stay opened, patience, patience, patience.

 

“Where are you going?”

He dropped his fork and didn’t bother looking up at his inquirer.

Something was being shattered.

“Let him be, Jungyeon.” Another voice interfered. Voice of reason.

A scream.

Flinch.

“Seungcheol, talk to him.” Her voice was growing more urgent as she grabbed her twin’s hand, trying to talk him into staying.

“Let go.” He said flatly as he got up.

“We are leaving in a few hours, where are you going?” She repeated, alert and panicked.

Another episode.

He broke free from her grasp, not too rigidly.

“You know, you can talk to us. Hasn’t it always been that way? Brothers against everything?”

Litany of personal insults.

Shiver.

He looked at his older brother and said, “Tell me, Hyung,” he trailed off, throwing a glance at the stairs leading to the top floor.

A loud cry.

A bitter smile.

“Did you at least talk them into having our next home with thick walls? We should have learnt our lesson by now, thick walls are a must.”

“Jihoon...” She rose up and took his cold hand in both of hers, her simple act of reassurance might have worked if she hadn’t looked so shaken herself.

It is breaking. Everything is bound to break, some sooner than the rest.

She finally got her act together and was capable of looking him in the eyes. He eyed her evenly for a short while then his eyes darted to his brother. Both of their eyes saying words their tongues never liked saying.

_You should be used to it. It’s nothing new._

“It’s fine, really … this’s also how it’s been.” He said as lightly as he could manage, and it wasn’t favourable.

He wasn’t being fair to them, but fair didn’t really like him and it was never on his side, so he had no reason to do ‘fair’ either. He slipped his hand out and pressed her hand back ever so lightly for the briefest second then he was at the door.

A door slammed, a loud curse.

He ventured a last glance at the stairwell, trying to control the corners of his mouth, he opened the door and with a soft click, he exited.

 

\----

 

“Lee Jihoon, Counselor’s Office, now.” Kim-seonsangnim said. It took Jihoon about four seconds to go through all the scenarios he could be called out of class for before he stood up, but considering Seonsangnim’s expression, it wasn’t trouble. He couldn’t help smiling internally. The class was silent as he walked the whole distance across the room to the door. A curt bow. And the door closed.

Jihoon had been out of it for most of the lesson, tracing back what happened before he was awakened from his vigil strained his brain a bit, yet it was worth it, it made him prepared since he didn’t appreciate surprises much.

He was observing the tiles as he walked then he started rubbing his temples, feeling some mild pain. Someone uttered a greeting, he opened his eyes and his step hesitated for the briefest second. After being in this school for three years, he still hadn’t managed to learn the adequate way to respond to a greeting, as always, nothing coming out but a mannered nod in acknowledgment, occasionally he would reply in a low voice which was always interpreted as a grunt.

The code: nod and keep dragging your feet. And so he did, without even raising his gaze from the ground.

And soon he was at the office.

He entered after knocking, wordlessly he looked at his Seonsangnim and his sister wearing the PE uniform in the opposing seat, his eyes quickly shifting to her feet. She smiled at him, a smile he pretended not to notice as his eyes were back to his Seonsangnim.

“Jihoon,” Seonsangnim started, in her best manner, “I’m sorry to have called you so suddenly out of class, I checked your time-table and you don’t have many lessons remaining so pardon me for taking the liberty…” she kept on talking for so long with too many courtesies.

“… we called your home but no one picked up, same goes for your parents’ phones, so we had no other option.” She looked patronizingly at Jungyeon who smiled friendly in return. “You see, Jungyeon-goon here sprained her leg and you’ll have to accompany her home. You’re allowed to make it back here after she’s back home safely.”

“Thank you, Lee-seonsangnim.” He said, taking Jungyeon’s bag and offering her his hand.

                              

“You don’t have to thank me.” She said as soon as they reached the school’s gate.

“No one ever said I will.” He said teasingly. He readjusted her arm on his shoulder and looked at her “So, is it really sprained?”

She laughed. “This time? Well kind of. It’d have looked suspicious otherwise.”

“Didn’t Seungcheol pick up?”

“I kind of gave her the wrong number, he’d kill us if he knew we’re cutting class.”

Jihoon side-eyed her and shook his head. Jungyeon didn’t mind it, she was used to his attitude. He was partly smiling nonetheless.

“It’s a miracle they let you out anyways,” she stopped walking, forcing him into a halt in turn. Jungyeon was looking at the bright sun with its blinding rays. “It’s not like exams aren’t over.”

“There’s still one more to go.” He tossed her the bag.

“Ouch.” She took it by the straps. “Treat your injured _sister_ more gently, jerk.” She jabbed him with her finger.

“Once you act like my sister, I might consider it.” He smiled.

“I’ll walk the rest of the way, you’re free, prince-nim.” Jungyeon didn’t wait for his reply, she had already turned and started walking down the road.

He opened his mouth, almost said something, then he shut it closed again.

She chuckled, “I’ll be fine,” she waved at him.

 _Fine._ He wouldn’t have objected tho, even if he did, she wouldn’t have listened. That was their thing.

Jihoon knew where to go, home didn’t sound like a good idea. He was heading back to the school, the library to be more precise.

He was successful at avoiding as many students as he could, the less interaction the better.

The library had seven people save the guy on duty. Three female girls studying together, a guy and his girlfriend trying to study, a sunbae looking for a book, and a guy who had a book to his side and a cube in his hand. Jihoon walked to the table at the farthest corner after picking up a book. He checked his back-pocket for a paper and a pencil, he always liked taking notes of what interested him.

Jihoon thought it was easier to treat his one year older non-classmates as sunbaes in his head. He never uttered the word tho, it was his last year at this school, it would soon be over with.

_Almost two hours till dismissal time._

He yawned and started reading.

The library was slowly being left. By the time Jihoon had looked up, only he and the cube remained. It was five minutes to two. The Sunbae on duty approached him from behind.

“Lee, you should leave, I’ve no intention of staying behind.” He laughed it off, as if it weren’t a selfish request.

Nod.

He got up and didn’t stop until he reached the table where the guy with the cube was sitting, he looked back as to ask his sunbae about it to find him, surprisingly, shrugging the I-don’t-know shrug, then he got back to getting the books on their shelves.

The table also had a cell-phone and a big book on Poetry was laid opened.

_So it belongs to someone who’s not here right now._

Normally, Jihoon wouldn’t bother with the Rubik cube, but the colours of the last row were so disheveled it looked hopeless, and frankly speaking he had always been a fan of puzzles. He lifted it, the guy almost got the combination right. He resisted the urge to solve it, he hadn’t solved any since childhood either.

_Turn around and leave._

He got out another paper and started scribbling, a few minutes later he was walking out of the door.

 

“I wonder where I can go for a few more hours.” Was a frequent soliloquy of his. He flung his bag on his shoulders, throwing a look at the sky.

 

 

 

 

****

****

“Hyung!” Soonyoung was shouting as he jumped the stairs. Making his way to the living room with a video tape in his hands. “Cheonsa!” he called out louder.

“Don’t shout in the house,” his father called from the bedroom that was currently above Soonyoung’s head, stomping his feet on the floor to declare his annoyance. It made Soonyoung smile for some reason.

“Sorry, Appa.” He apologized and called out once again,

“Gee, Soonyoung, can you keep it down a bit?” Jeonghan showed up at the living room’s door, blocking his way.

“Then you should have answered the first time I’d called,” he said trying to pass.

Jeonghan looked over his shoulder, Soonyoung followed his eyes. A guy was standing near the window talking on the phone. Soonyoung’s expression was puzzled, he was about to start his questions when the guy was done with his conversation and was standing by Jeonghan’s side, smiling. He was young, hardly mid-twenties, neatly dressed the way you dress to say ‘I’m very serious at what I do but I’m also very wild’. His black hair was pushed back, he smelled of tobacco, something about that guy made Soonyoung’s mind spin as he tried to pin down the sense of familiarity dawning on him.

“Cheonsa?” the guy said with smile, it looked brilliantly mischievous.

Jeonghan rolled his eyes, looked at Soonyoung then at the guy unknown to Soonyoung. His eyes shot up, looking nowhere specifically, as if silently seeking something, his lips tightened, he sighed, shook his head then moved back to the room, settling down on the sofa.

“Seungcheol-sshi, this’s my brother, Soonyoung.” He said, waving his hand reluctantly, refusing to meet any of their eyes.

Soonyoung looked back at he who had a name now, he was looking at Jeonghan with an amusedly raised eyebrow, his smile never parted with his face. He finally turned to Soonyoung.

“Now I know who took all the good genes,” he said playfully, he seemed too easy-going. Soonyoung’s face could have at least risen ten degrees. “Little brother, I’m Choi Seungcheol, Jeonghan’s…” he trailed off, confused at a sudden thought. He glanced at Jeonghan. “What am I, Jeonghan?”

_Jeonghan…_

“My friend.”

The corner of his mouth turned up, it looked nice, he still didn’t avert his gaze, “…nice to meet you, little brother.” He finally looked at Soonyoung and extended his hand for a handshake.

Soonyoung had been so overwhelmed with the situation that not only did he forget to manage his expression, but also forgot his manners. He shook himself awake, freed his right hand from the tape and shook his hand. “Kwon Soonyoung. It’s a pleasure.” He said with a polite smile.

“You see, _Cheonsa_ here forgot you were home today.” He clicked his tongue. “Jeonghan, Jeonghan, Jeonghan, how dare you forgot your little brother?”

“I’m sorry I don’t have a good brotherly bond with my brother, I’m sorry I’m not you.”

Soonyoung was astonished at his brother’s relatively aggressive attitude. However the guy didn’t seem like a bad guy, but Soonyoung couldn’t really hit it off with someone he had just met, not to mention his brother’s reaction.

“What did you want, Soonyoung?” Jeonghan asked, reaching for a cigarette case on the table. Soonyoung watched him light a cigarette, he never smoked in the house, he always walked to the yard, not that he was a heavy smoker.

Their companion took the cigarette just before it ended between Jeonghan’s lips. He stubbed it out and addressed Soonyoung. “He’s having a bad day.”

“Maybe another time, then,” Soonyoung said, thinking of a polite way to retreat, he pointed over his shoulder. “I’ll go change and study, it’s been a pleasure, Seungcheol-sshi.” He was about to bow but Seungcheol-sshi was light on his feet, he was standing in front of him all of a sudden. He was staring at Soonyoung, studying him from head to toe, Soonyoung was so uncomfortable it was so hard to deal with the heat rushing to his cheeks.

“Hey, how old is your brother?” he asked, addressing Jeonghan.

“Huh?” Jeonghan didn’t expect that. “He just turned seventeen last month.”

“Twelfth grade?” he was addressing Soonyoung now.

“Yes…” Soonyoung didn’t know what else to say.

Then it hit him. _Choi._

“Ahh, sorry.” Seungcheol-sshi apologized and patted Soonyoung’s back gently, ushering him into the room. “He’s not really the most social person out there and it’s as if he deliberately wants to ruin his social image, so it’s no surprise.” He uttered something under his breath then laughed.

Soonyoung watched his brother as his expression changed more than once, confused at first, he could see the gears spinning, then it clicked. “Wait a second, Jihoon goes to the same school?!”

It was clearly a surprised statement and not a dubious question. Jeonghan seemed chagrined, then again confused, surprised, then at last realization drove him back home to reality. He was staring at his smiling friend then he started laughing. Soon Seungcheol-sshi joined him and Soonyoung stood feeling like a third-wheel, he didn’t know what to do either. When they both stopped laughing, they said in sync: “Foolish little brother.” And went back at it again.

Soonyoung couldn’t help smiling.

“You never met him?” he asked at last. Fiddling with his phone again.

Soonyoung shook his head. “We’ve only moved in here this year, I didn’t attend middle school here either.” He justified. It wasn’t entirely true nonetheless, it was a bit more complex than that. “But I hear good things about him, he’s often referred to as a genius for the year leap.” He added graciously. Always so tactful.

“Ahh! That always ticked him off.” Seungcheol-sshi said, he seemed a bit down stating it. “I’ve to go tho,” he added morbidly. He got up and as soon as he reached Soonyoung he put a hand on his shoulder and said in a low voice, “If this tape includes things that shame Jeonghan, please don’t be shy about sharing it.”

That truly made Soonyoung laugh. Maybe he would come to like this guy.

Jeonghan looked baffled. “What’s so funny?”

“Seungcheol-sshi was ju-” Soonyoung began, still smiling but Seungcheol-sshi put one gentle finger on his lips from behind, hushing him.

“It’s a secret.” He said. Soonyoung tried not to laugh. Mission (kind of) success.

“You,” he said, spinning Soonyoung -who almost jerked back in defense, surprised- around. “call me Seungcheol or hyung or whatever, I’m not _that_ old.”

Soonyoung had that feeling of fearfulness, he looked at his brother, seeking help, but Jeonghan was saying _‘what’_ in a way Soonyoung knew to be when he was trying not to curse.

Soonyoung looked at Seungcheol and nodded, the only thing he was supposed to do.

“And you,” he pointed at Jeonghan with the same abruptness he did with Soonyoung. “call me later.”

 

Soonyoung waited till Seungcheol was out of their house then he rushed to the sofa.

“Okay, what was that?” he asked, still somehow baffled.

“It was nothing.” Jeonghan said, looking away.

“Well, _Nothing_ has a name, Hyung. Nothing is too weird to be associated with you, Nothing made you too OC for me and Nothing knows too little while you seem quite knowledgeable.” Soonyoung reasoned.

Jeonghan looked him square in the eye and his lips were pressed thin. It was more than obvious he wanted out with this conversation.

“Forget it.” Soonyoung said, no hard feelings. And he moved towards the window, gazing absent-mindedly at the moon.

“He lives there, you know.” Jeonghan said after a while. That caught Soonyoung’s attention, he looked at his older brother, suppressed a soft gasp at his expression, it was catastrophically sorry.

“The boy next door, huh…” he got back into his moon gazing.

“The _boys_ next door, yes.”

Soonyoung narrowed his eyes, the moon … _How pretty._

_  
_

 

****

****

 

Students attend the last day of school in a gleeful manner. Especially when it was summer break. But Jihoon’s morning was nowhere near happy.

“I’m not done talking here.” His father was at the door, Jihoon was tying his shoe-laces, eager to leave.

“I’ll be late to class.” He didn’t look at his father’s face. He would be thirty minutes early if he set off that instant regardless of what he had said. He got up and reached for the door knob, his sweating hands grasping it with needless force. “The door.” He said, not meeting his eyes, not adding ‘please’ either. His father didn’t move, he opened it either ways and slipped out from the tight place his father tried not to allow. Everyone was still asleep, he didn’t wake anyone.

It was yet another episode of those Jihoon starred at. One of those mornings he was so used to that not having one of them became out of the ordinary.

“Don’t you ever learn,” his father was still at it, his voice getting louder, Jihoon’s back was to him, clasping the strap of his shoulder bag with both hands. He was still talking, Jihoon rolled his eyes but hadn’t moved, it once proved to have been the wrong choice.

“Look at me.” It wasn’t yelling, it wasn’t loud; it was firm and absolute. _The_ tone.

He spun around, looking at the ground tiredly; he was in no mood to argue, neither had he the energy. “Raise your eyes.” Another order. Jihoon also developed that thing he thought of as a gift, he was capable of looking at someone and feeling disconnected in the same time. It came in handy more than once. His father’s hand rose to Jihoon’s face, he dodged the caress by hairsbreadth. Jihoon was alert at once, he jerked back, his eyes becoming those of a defensive animal, ready to fight or flee. He looked at his father’s expression, it wasn’t hard or passive or angry, it was soft, eyebrows creasing as if in pain. Jihoon grew more defensive, falling into the stance he taught himself, his hands still glued to his strap, keeping his face composed yet not losing any of its sharpness. His father closed the step Jihoon had just put between the two of them. He took him by the shoulder and started shaking him with force that seemed violent to Jihoon. He looked to the side as his hands loosened and fell to his sides, his father was saying stuff about how ungrateful Jihoon was, things that were the protocol, nothing new.

What was new was the fact Jihoon somehow was free of his grasp taking two steps back, looking at him in the eyes and shaking his head. He turned and plugged on his earphones, not playing anything, just his way of telling people to stay away, a sign that his family never understood. He was about to be spun around again, he took a side step quickly and almost shouted, but didn’t, it came out loud enough, expressive enough, “For once leave me alone.”

He passed his hand through his hair frustratingly as he conceived his father’s thunderstruck expression, then pressed his lips in anger and turned again, heading to the school.

He got a glimpse of four uniforms; circumstances had forced him to know one of them, it wasn’t the greatest thing nonetheless. They were watching him with emotions Jihoon didn’t feel the need to process; he could detect the confusion and amusement simultaneously in their faces nonetheless. Not bothering to say anything he shot the three guys from his school something that wasn’t intended to be a glare and set off. Saying to hell with everything.

 

It was last period, and everyone checking the clock with anticipation, the homeroom teacher was no exception. Jihoon was drawing some lines idly in his sketch while resting his head on his other hand in a bored manner. He didn’t have plans for the summer … there was no buts to this sentence either. And that was the crux of the problem.

And his part-time job didn’t really amount for much distraction; just a free pass.

“Jihoon,” a girl called for the third time, this was the loudest so far and by far most irritated call. He looked at her; the student council president.

“Let the sucker be, Momo.” A guy called from two chairs ahead, approaching them.

“That’s none of your business, Junhui.” She hit him with the rolled papers in her hand then turned once again to Jihoon. Objecting grunts from the guy called Junhui were heard but she batted no eye, she flipped her hair then said, “The summer festival is next week, I know you said you won’t be participating, but you’ve to show up, I can’t cover that up for you this time.”

Jihoon nodded. Momo had shown interest in him more than once and that Junhui guy hated Jihoon a bit for the softer treatment he was so undeservingly getting.

Fun fact, Jihoon participated once in something that was somehow social: club’s activity. But he took a break a month ago.

“Hey, sucker, if you are not going to show up in the club activity during break and next semester, resign … I’m not tolerating your half-assed attitude.”

Another fun fact: Junhui was the club captain.

Jihoon shrugged, the less he talked the better, not that he ever did. Junhui looked upset, he lifted his chin a bit, he must have felt offended to do so.

“You can show some respect.” He said.

He almost shrugged again, but it would have made things worse so he sat motionless not aware of how offensive his bored demeanor was.

“Leave him alone.” The guy in the desk in front of Jihoon said. The class representative: Jisoo.

He sneered and left, going to the other side of the class, Momo and Jisoo watched him leave.

“Can you please not push his buttons?” Momo said, her eyes basically pleading him as she leaned on his desk.

He wasn’t planning on replying but then he remembered there was little point in being rude to someone like her. She neither got tired nor did she get fed-up, no matter what happened. Momo and the class president were the closest things to his allies in the class. Moreover, he remembered he wanted to ask her something.

“Momo,” he said, reviving some life into his eyes, some life into his body as well. Momo and Jisoo both looked at him, listening intently. “Is someone on duty today? I can sub in for them.” He proposed.

Jisoo looked at Momo and they both narrowed their eyes suspiciously. Jisoo was the first to break away from the effect of Jihoon’s words, he fixed his eyes then said, “It’s not like you to volunteer for anything,”

True.

“But, yes, you can sub,” Momo said quickly, shooting Jisoo a dark glance. It must have been one of her friends whom she wanted to go out with that was why she was so eager to consent.

“You are exploiting the poor guy.” Jisoo said with a grin.

She laughed and Jihoon smirked, ninety percent of his smirk was bitter to say the truth.

“Him?” She jerked a thumb towards him. “He’s everything but poor, trust me he’s more than capable.” She slapped his shoulder playfully then left. He tried not to instinctively jerk, Jisoo noticed nonetheless, something took over his face and he pressed his lips warmly and Jihoon looked away at once.

_No._

 

Twenty to two, it was over. Jihoon lingered in the classroom, after having nodded at casual and friendly ‘have a good summer’, he even pressed a wan smile to the class-president, which Jisoo seemed to appreciate. He didn’t escape the angry glare of Junhui or the snickers of his guy-bestfriend: Seokmin. The teacher was the last to leave, their last period teacher was by far Jihoon’s favourite that year. A young twentyish teacher who taught Literature: Hoseok-ssam. He used to be his brother’s bestfriend back in their hometown school. His personality was nothing appealing to Jihoon, but he was well knowledgeable and he gave him enough space.

They chatted for a while –mostly on Seonsangnim’s part tho-, he gave him a book to read and bid him farewell. After Jihoon was done looking everywhere in the classroom, he finally found his black dice, the one he deliberately stayed behind for. He put it in his pocket and went for the roof, planning on checking the new book to kill some time.

It wasn’t empty nevertheless. There was a guy Jihoon often saw, he couldn’t see his face but his guts were screaming they had met before. His eyes took interest in what the guy was doing, the book he was reading was poetry and there were two other fairly-hefty books. He had averted his eyes just before he was caught.

He sat down in the side that didn’t align with the one that guy was using. He opened his book after plugging on his earphones –much caution would never hurt- and so, time started flying by.

Thirty minutes, seventy minutes…

Something made the light dimmer than it should. Jihoon looked up, the guy was standing in front of him, blocking the already fading sunlight. Now that he was looking at his face, the dark hazel hair looked familiar. He was smiling as the breeze playfully blew his hair as though teasing his face, he half turned behind him and let out a chuckle, still neither of them said anything and Jihoon still hadn’t pinpointed how he knew him. If only he paid attention to his surroundings more often.

“I’m sorry,” he started, his voice had some kind of tone that made Jihoon wary. “But you look a lot like someone I knew.”

Jihoon felt an urge to laugh, this was so tacky.

“Cliché.” He found himself saying to this half-stranger. He wished he didn’t say that, he wasn’t a conversationalist.

The guy laughed loudly, it was somehow soothing to hear that. It was soothing because Jihoon refused to admit it was.

“Have a good summer.” He said as he readjusted his bag and pressed his lips to a tight smiling line. His cheeks were already reddening in the lights spread by the setting sun, the whole scene looked paradoxical in Jihoon’s perspective. Everything often did.

He started leaving, looking at the ground. Jihoon wondered if he had done something wrong, it wasn’t that he cared much but it was because he remembered the guy. He was the one he had always seen in the library. He didn’t recall the name, but he was always sitting alone. Maybe they had crossed paths in the hallways of the school, but that was another thing Jihoon never paid attention to.

However, he didn’t know how the guy would have known him, it brought him back to questioning his memory.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Three nights has passed since Soonyoung was last at school, he was ten hours away from the school festival. And he was excited for a reason that didn’t include his class’s plans. What was keeping him awake at night was staring out of his window. Sometime at the dark sky, getting overwhelmed by the beauty of the crescent moon and how brilliantly the stars adorned the sky as they scattered everywhere around the moon. He always found that captivating. Other times he just stared forward out of the window. He had no regrets.

And after only four hours of sleep, he contemplated contemplating having regrets about not having regrets.

Jeonghan wasn’t downstairs, Soonyoung almost bumped into his father as he went down the stairs yawning and scratching his belly. He half yawned a ‘good morning’ to his leaving father and he was left alone with an empty box of cereal. Yet, he didn’t let it get to him.

After a shower he was off to school, he greeted the girl next door quickly with a smile.

As soon as he grouped with his class, his hands were busy. He refused to do any of the field work thus he decided to work with decorations. His art skills pretty much sucked but he had the vision and so he was supervising and doing simple tasks. He was quite good with scissors and paper-cutters, pretty quick as well, it gave him enough leverage not to be humiliated. Picture this: The new kid in school being pushed into the class-president spot as a sick joke but everyone soon liked him, if not at first, they eventually did.

“Momo-ah!” he called for Momo once he saw her, putting down his tools, he ran to her.

“Ah, Hoshi!” she waved happily.

Soonyoung smiled. Momo was the first one to call him Hoshi. She at first thought his name was ‘Kwon Hoshi’ -thinking he had Japanese roots or something; then she decided it fitted him best. He never asked why nevertheless. She was cool to be around, one of his friends too.

“How are you?” he asked politely.

“Busy and busy, but it’s always nice to see a friendly face. Those grumpy slack-offs are so …” she threw a look at them, looking for a word. “So grumpy.” She settled at last.

He looked at the crowded stand, they had a relatively nice amount of clients as they took photos.

She looked at him, her hands on her waist. “Did you want something?”

_Yes._

“Not really,” he smiled and scratched his nose. “I just wanted to say hi, our class is doing well I decided it’s okay to take a break.”

She smiled at him and said, “Don’t overwork yourself, okay?” she turned to shout at an order at a slacking off hoobae.

“Ugggh, where is that Junhui jerk!” she turned to Soonyoung, waved and in a haste she left.

Soonyoung decided to take a stroll in the school building, it should be less crowded, he didn’t want to be rude to people, but he also needed his space. He hoped he could slip unnoticed.

 

“That fucking asshole!” the building’s door flung open, someone had kicked it. Soonyoung halted three paces away, glad the door didn’t send him flying if he happened to be a few seconds earlier.

“Calm down, Jun.” One of the two guys said. A guy was wringing his wrist angrily, Soonyoung saw him a few times before, he played boxing, it was the guy to his right he recognized, he felt a sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach at the sight of Seokmin. Fortunately enough, they passed him.

He was still cursing while the other one tried to calm him down. Soonyoung shrugged and walked in, he was stopped a few times by people he knew every here and there. Not that he had a destination to go to. He bought a cold drink then looked for that window that led to Nowhere. Nowhere was the name he had given that remote area in the school where no one entered. It was a nice school, he often found himself wishing this was the one he had attended since kindergarten, yet he always remembered the bundle deal that came along with the school hence he shook himself awake before the thought diffused in his body.

He jumped, walked a bit till he found a couples-flirting-free area. With the festival and all, every spot had to be taken, it all came down to how many people were there and whether or not they knew him. He heard some laughter, he looked behind him, then proceeded his walking, and he bumped into someone.

“Sorry.” He said quickly, it was his fault he wasn’t looking. The guy was on the ground, holding his arm in pain. It was a rough bump after all.

“Ahh sorry,” again he apologized but this time he offered his hand. He couldn’t see his face but he could tell him apart anywhere. He always used the same perfume. During the whole semester Soonyoung was at this school, he did.

At last a hand clasped into his and he pulled up. The guy spat on the ground, pushed his hair back (Soonyoung saw his hand moving, he still didn’t see his face, not that he needed to) suddenly he heard a short laugh, he almost second-guessed himself. The source of the sound was the guy in front of him, the guy he never heard in his life laugh, hell, he had hardly ever seen him smile or seen his face fully. In addition, Soonyoung didn’t see anything laughable.

“Thanks.” He said curtly and moved past him, moving towards some lightened area.

“Take this,” Soonyoung said, placing his hand lightly on the guy’s shoulder, the one that belonged to the uninjured hand. He stopped short however he didn’t turn. “Your lips are going to swell otherwise.” Soonyoung wasn’t sure what exactly was injured but he guessed it was the lip. He didn’t care, he handed him his cold drink, which the latter took in silence, a small nod and he tottered away.

“Random stranger,” he called from behind his back, catching Soonyoung’s attention. He laughed again before he proceeded. “I can’t see your face, you might guess who I’m but…” he stopped to laugh again. Soonyoung smiled joylessly, a bit ashamed of himself in spite not knowing why; he would do anything to know what was so funny to the guy. He boundlessly dreaded the answer.

“What I meant to say was …” his laughter’s pause intervals were getting shorter. “Well whatever.” And he jumped to the other side of the window, using his good hand.

 

Soonyoung stood blankly, not knowing what to do. Something glistened near a log. He walked till he reached it, it was a glass, alcohol. He crouched down, then he sat cross legged, examining the broken glass like it was some unspoken wonder. He felt his heart racing, anger was fueling him. He was quite a pacifist, not wanting to hurt anyone. But ignoring an ill-deed wasn’t really a peaceful act either.

_Tipsy._

It explained a lot. One way of interpreting it, probably the sole way of interpreting the situation.

That was another accessory to ‘Seokmin’s Screws’, a list Soonyoung made during the first month he had been in the school. He wondered whether he would have stood by and watched had he come a few minutes earlier, or would he have interfered. Would have his interference mattered; would it have worsened the situation? All that he didn’t know.

Only one thing was distinctly being screamed in his mind, one thing he was sure of, that no matter what the outcome was, it couldn’t have been worse. Because at least _he_ would have been there.

“Stupid, stupid me.” His habit of rebuking himself kicked in again. He toyed with the glass, craving a word with it in the sand beneath the log, trying to ignore the pain, he might have cut himself too. Before he knew it, the word ‘pain’ was in front of him. It seemed the most clear and outspoken thing in that dim part of the school if not the entire world.

_What is the point of pain anyways?_

And then, in that place, a vow was silently taken.

 


	2. Capricorn

 

 

And it was officially summer hiatus.

Contrary to how the majority of students felt, Jihoon didn’t feel the delight often accompanying summer. It just meant less excuses to be outdoors for him. Save his part-time job, he would have to look for a new excuse not to come back home.

He hadn’t slept that night, he stayed awake doing nothing, because listening to the infinite silence didn’t count as doing something. At least not to him, everything was counted as nothing unless it was useful or somehow was of any kind of entertainment to him, which took us back to the first point. Even being awake for so long doing nothing was frustratingly pointless to him, the idea was capable of making him alert despite his drowsiness.

Albeit not admittedly, his shoulder hurt slightly, but not enough to be the reason of his wakefulness.

A little bit after seven, he snuck out of the house to that spot in the bushy woods he claimed his. It wasn’t far too deep, but it was fairly remote. No one dared to go into the woods anyway, that was probably why he had been so fond of it for years now. No one disturbed him there, it was only him and whatever companion he chose to have.  
He liked that place best at night, where stars were his only companions.

He propped himself against a tree, and before he realized it, he had slipped into unconsciousness.

 

Something tickled his skin, it made him want to sneeze, snapping him back to wakefulness. He blinked twice before his vision became clear, giving him the leverage of assessing his surroundings. Under the blue cover of the sky, after two years of comfortable solitude, and for the first time in this lonesome area, he had company.

A guy who looked so familiar yet Jihoon couldn’t at once tell why, was leaning next to him. Jihoon turned his and backed away a bit as he sat up to have a better view.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.” The guy said in a low voice, he seemed way too sorry for such a small thing.

Jihoon didn’t reply, his eyes were suddenly fixed on a case which lied next to the guy.

“Where did you get that?” he asked skeptically.

Having followed Jihoon’s eyes, he answered timidly: “Umm, It’s kind of a long story.”

“I have time.” Jihoon insisted.

“Do you recognize me?” he asked as he turned around so he could sit in a mirroring position. Jihoon made no reply in spite of his vague knowledge, he knew the guy was going to talk either way.

He sighed, then started talking. “I’m Kwon Soonyoung, I live in the house in front of yours and we actually go to the same school. I even often gr-”

“You often greeted me in the school hallways, you also go to the library often,” Jihoon said, his tone wasn’t friendly but it wasn’t guarded either.

There was some blurry memory he couldn’t detect, and thus it was better not to be spoken of.

“Correct. Erm,” Soonyoung was basically blushing at his loss of words.

Jihoon sighed. “How long?”

Soonyoung was confused, Jihoon rolled his eyes and reconstructed his question, “How long have you been here?”

“A while. I didn’t follow you tho.”

Jihoon was no expert in reading the atmosphere, yet the tension on Soonyoung’s part was undeniably there.

He kept staring at Soonyoung’s face, oblivious to how uncomfortable this could make someone.

Soonyoung looked away and started talking fast. “Your brother, Seungcheol-sshi, he’s friends with my brother and he was at our house but I woke up late. He had this with him and he seemed tense as he talked with my brother. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop but it happened before I entered the room and I was still groggy. We met a few times before and he’s really friendly and nice to me, and Cheon- Hyung likes him too … sorry this’s irrelevant. I mean…”

Jihoon observed Soonyoung thinking he would go into a fit, he seemed harmless, too peaceful and utterly harmless. Jihoon didn’t even shut himself out like he usually did when people started talking, he was listening and he wanted to stop him, yet he didn’t.

“… so he gave it to me and told me to give it to you because he doesn’t know where you are. I didn’t mean to tell on you, sorry, no one knows anyways and I didn’t know exactly where you were. I often saw you slipping to the woods so I took my chances.” He quickly turned, grabbed the case and gave it to Jihoon.

Jihoon narrowed his eyes. “Am I making you uncomfortable?”

“Eh?” the poor guy’s eyes flung open, too surprised, too shaken by the question.

“I don’t think it’s natural to apologize so much in the course of a few minutes.”

Soonyoung scratched his nose.

“I just feel some kind of guilt…” Soonyoung bit his tongue to stop himself there. It took him a few seconds till he looked up, straight into Jihoon’s eyes. “You always took the longer route home. We’ve moved in at the beginning of this year and I remember your brother coming in to greet us with your mom. I’d casually see you at school, but we never talked. Then I realized you live just a few meters away, so this is just ….” He let out a tired sigh. “I don’t know I can’t quite explain it, I’m not usually like this either.”  
He risked a glance at Jihoon’s face, he smiled faintly then said, “I never thanked you either.”

It was Jihoon’s turn to become confused. He started retracing his memorable life to spot when he had ever dealt with Soonyoung, he couldn’t pinpoint a single occasion.

After a few seconds he remembered at the beginning of the semester, how he was tranquilly reading in the library, alone and this guy came in running, hiding behind one of the tables. Soon to be followed by the counselor, asking Jihoon if he had seen anyone in there. He told her he hadn’t and she had apologized for disturbing him then left.

It left him with the guy who kept staring at Jihoon for a few minutes, with too much appreciation in his eyes but Jihoon looked away as usual.

He never bothered asking questions.

“For the cube, I know for sure from your handwriting,” he jerked his head toward a small notebook next to Jihoon “that it was you who scribbled the solution for me a week ago.”

_Ahhh._

After shuffling around for a while, Soonyoung was holding the cube up.

Jihoon smiled. Soonyoung’s reaction was that of someone who just got electrified. That made Jihoon’s grin melt into a genuine one.

“Thanks.” Jihoon said as he got up, grabbing the case by the straps. “I really appreciate it,” he said it like someone who didn’t mean it, maybe if it had been the end of his sentence it wouldn’t have come out like that. “But if you can avoid this place, it’d be better.”

Jihoon didn’t like goodbyes, it was a mere formality, so just like that he took off.

 

 

****

****

****

****

_That was an extensive damage._

Soonyoung was still beating himself over humiliating himself three days ago.

And the worst part was that what happened in the festival had clearly been forgotten.

Maybe it was to his advantage, one can never know.

“Would you please stop tapping your finger against the table? It’s stressing me out.” Jeonghan said from across the table.

“Ah. My bad.” Soonyoung said and he let out his third sigh since he sat down for breakfast.

“It’s a sunny day, Soonyoung, why don’t you go out … dad won’t be home till late.” He suggested while pouring some milk.

“I might. There’s something I want to finish tho. How’s Seungcheol-hyung?” Soonyoung conversed because he wanted to distract himself, yet he regretted that because for a second he had forgotten Jeonghan didn’t like talking about _him_. Soonyoung hated Making people uncomfortable.

“He’s fine, I’m probably going to work with him after I get my degree.” Jeonghan said then started drinking. Soonyoung knew his brother didn’t like making him feel bad either, but he wouldn’t push his luck. That might have been the end of their conversation on that specific topic. So he looked away, staring out of the window when something caught his eyes.

“On second thought, I’m heading out.”

Jeonghan didn’t even have the time to react, the door was shut before he finished his ‘be safe’ sentence.

 

He was adamant on ‘redeeming himself’, and an opportunity had just presented itself.

“Hey, Lee.” He called out from across the street. Rushing to help. He put one gentle hand on Jihoon’s shoulder then said. “I’ll help you with those.”

He stopped, put the bags on the ground, then turned around.

It wasn’t Jihoon.

“…” Soonyoung was only hoping he didn’t make the weird noises he made when he got nervous. The sun suddenly made him dizzy and he could tell he had made a fool of himself again.

 _That would be the second time, stupid Soonyoung._ He reproached himself.

“The sun is giving your colour such a nice shades,” she was chuckling.

“Ahh, hello Yoojung.” He said then picked up the bags to busy himself. _Idiot._ “Some early errands?”

“Yes. Jihoon isn’t home and neither is Seungcheol, thought I’d make them something nice for dinner.” She laughed again. “Kitchen isn’t my forte you know, I’d probably set the house on fire.”

Soonyoung laughed along politely as they walked the small distance.

“Isn’t your mom at home? Her cooking is amazing.”

A louder laugh, Soonyoung didn’t get that one nonetheless. He felt like he shouldn’t have said that.

“Why don’t you come in, help me in the kitchen, we can chat while we’re at it.”

_They look ridiculously alike._

“From earth to Hoshi!” she waved a hand in front of his face. “You were out of it and you were staring.” She said smiling. Somehow, it looked like a more vivid and openly expressive smile that Jihoon could someday smile. Jungyeon herself looked like an ‘if he smiled’ version of Jihoon.

“Ahh, sorry.”

“Idiot.” She muttered and opened the door and they were in.

 

It was Soonyoung’s first time in their house, it was on a whole new level of differently decorated from his own. He put the bags on the dining table and sat leaning on the chair, admiring his surroundings.

“I see you met my brother, I’m surprised to say the least.” She said, her voice seemed afar, a lot of background noise of things being moved around in the kitchen covered her voice.

“Why would you say that?” he asked, truly curious.   

She marched to him, slammed her fists against the table, Soonyoung would have jumped but he managed not to, then she illustrated. “Very funny. Have you even met him?”

Well, he didn’t answer, which was more of an answer.

“I bet you weren’t frustrated to meet me tho, I’m much cuter than him.” She flipped her short hair as far as the word flip can go with her barely-shoulder-length hair.

Soonyoung laughed, Jungyeon often made him laugh, she had a very light air about her.

“Make yourself at ease, I’m not a prison-guard. The house is empty, don’t worry.” She said, tying her apron.

“You keep emphasizing that, stop it please.” He said with a smile, taking a seat.

She fake-gasped. “What? You want the whole world to know about us?”

Soonyoung laughed more loudly this time. “And risk our separation? No thanks.”

“So, was he anything like you pictured?”

Soonyoung pondered. Indeed there was no _‘us’,_ it was merely a joke, but he had hung out with Jungyeon a lot, sometimes he would see her at school, at first his friends thought they dated, but then they understood they didn’t.

Fun fact: Soonyoung didn’t know she was _the twin._

“Hmm. He looks a lot like you, just sharper and erm,” he hesitated

“You can say it, it’s not like I never hear it.” She chuckled.

“Well, less loud.” He brushed it off with a good-natured laugh. “I had a hard time approaching him and I think I failed. It was much easier with you.”

She raised herself on the stock-kitchen-cabinet.

“Careful!” Soonyoung freaked out, she had a knife in her hand as she sat there cross-legged. She smirked.

“The thing is, dear,” she started with a deep tone, not hers. “It wasn’t easier approaching me, because I approached you.” She was acting like a sage, much to Soonyoung’s amusement.

“You don’t get it, when we met I had no clue you’d be the girl who lived in the opposite house-”

She cut him, “Well, people have no clue I hitch-hike, people have no clue I box three days a week for fun, people have no clue I’m a girl until they see my uniform.” She stretched each word paradoxically. They laughed together.

“I’m the girl next door.” She mocked, winking.

“That’s not my point, your hand has a huge bruise by the way,” Soonyoung noted as he laughed.

Jungyeon looked at her arm and her smile faded then said, “Then what is?”

The main door opened.

They both instantly averted their gaze, Jungyeon jumping down.

 

“You can come in, you know.” Seungcheol said to his companion at the door, leaving the door opened.

“Thanks, I think I’m comfortable here. Just be quick.” He said.

Soonyoung’s eyes locked with the companion. _Jeonghan._

Both Seungcheol and Jeonghan finally realized the house wasn’t empty. Each looking suspiciously at his respective sibling. Then they both looked at each other, perfectly communicating in silence.

“Do you two,” Seungcheol started, “know each other?”

Soonyoung looked at Jungyeon, she seemed in a bad position yet she didn’t look tense. Not much.

“He was just helping me with the bags.” She said simply, crossing her arms.

“Because you need help to carry the bags…” Seungcheol said, clearly not bemused.

“He’s my friend now, Seungcheol, so let it go.” She said and stood beside Soonyoung.

“You and I are going to have a long nice talk when I get back home.” It was Jeonghan who said that.

_Oops._

Soonyoung smiled crookedly, tensed. He never mentioned he knew Jungyeon, it was half a lie.

“You too, Kyungwan.” Seungcheol said with a charming smile.

Jungyeon gasped. “How dare you!!” She exclaimed. But Seungcheol had already entered a room.

Jeonghan slowly shook his head. Soonyoung felt a tinge of shame.

“Let’s go, we’re ready.” Seungcheol said coming out with two bags, one he flung across his shoulder, the other he tossed to Jeonghan. And they were gone without any other word.

 

“Kyungwan?” Soonyoung asked incredulously as soon as the door was shut, making a face.

She stuck her tongue out and rolled her eyes. “I was born with that name. They expected a child, a sole boy. I was a surprise.”

Soonyoung sat in silent.

She bit her lips half pensively, half playfully.

“Say, Hoshi?”

“Yea?”

“Let’s go on a date tomorrow.” She said with a cunning smile.

Soonyoung’s grin had started spreading to his ears, it amused him infinitely. This was the guy who could apologize three times in one minute, it was also the same guy who couldn’t converse with a guy the same age as himself without blushing … theoretically.

“Sure thing, Yoojung.”

 

 

 

****

 

 

It was Jihoon’s second job that year. This time he had taken a job as a cashier in a relatively far convenience store. For some reason the manager told him he could be dismissed early that night and so there was nothing he could do about the matter. He decided to wander aimlessly for a while, that was usually how he ended up in all kinds of good places.

He passed by a flower shop, normally he wouldn’t have paid any attention to the shop, it was rather he who was standing near the door that caught his attention.

_The apologizing guy._

He wondered why everything always led back to him. As if seeing him were something neither of them had a say in.

It kinda shocked Jihoon how he wasn’t smiling, he was with some other guy. At first his expression was forced as well as his smile, then it became neutral and at last it became that kind of indifference that had too much apathy in it, the kind of apathy that, in the right hands, could be coined into rage.

Jihoon kept on watching from a distance as Soonyoung’s companion, an older man, kept on going on with his heated argument. Judging from his uniform, he probably owned the flower shop. Then the man left, but Soonyoung didn’t follow suit. He kept on standing from where he was, not moving an inch, his expression unreadable, Jihoon saw his lips move, he saw a shadow spreading in front of Soonyoung. No sooner had Soonyoung’s lips stopped moving than the shadow’s owner appeared. The guy whistled and looked to the side, where another person stepped in. The three figures Jihoon stood by watching were people from his school. But only one of them wore the same shirt and apron Soonyoung wore. The way the two of them circled around Soonyoung, the way they looked so malicious, it was the way Jihoon remembered why he disliked them so much.

It wasn’t before Soonyoung was being manhandled that Jihoon started moving. It wasn’t before Soonyoung was doubled over in pain as Jihoon's eyes met his; and something else besides pain was patent in his eye, Jihoon who shook his head and for the slightest second his pace slowed. Jihoon who raised his head as highly as one of the guys noticed him while he left manhandling Soonyoung to his friend. Saying nothing, Jihoon kept moving his legs and going to where he didn’t know he would go to.

 

The deafening silence at a dinner table was worse than any kind of arguments.

Jihoon was watching everyone, even Seungcheol looked taut, and neither his parents nor his siblings were actually having any taste of the food.

“Kyungwan, did you go out with that sleeveless shirt earlier?” his mom asked. “Sweetie, you’ll get cold wearing such thin clothes.” Jungyeon was sitting to his right, he could see her fist clenching, he looked at Seungcheol, who to his surprise was shooting him a warning glance.

“Where were you?” His dad intruded with a new question before Jungyeon could answer the first, he didn’t look at her.

Seungcheol laughed. It wasn’t intended to sound so off-base. “I’m almost done with my book, father. There’s a possibility I’d get a book contract. The editor seems really prominent-” Seungcheol wasn’t really interested in telling their father about anything, he was trying to save Jungyeon’s neck.

“Where were you?” he repeated, not losing his nerve, ignoring Seungcheol altogether.

Jihoon was most concerned about his mother, she looked too nervous. “Darling, do you want some soup?” her voice was no less on edge.

Jihoon sneered with no previous plans to do so. His father’s eyes lifted from the paper he was reading, he looked infuriated. Jihoon was expressionless, contrary to Seungcheol who looked as if he wanted to scream.

“Jungyeon, your cellphone is ringing.” Jihoon said, not looking away from his father’s gaze. The order in which they sat was eccentric. The father on the head of the table, his wife to his left and his eldest son to his right. Normally, the sister would be next to her mother and the twin brother should be seated to his brother’s side. But both of the twins sat at the other end of the table; Jihoon facing his father while Jungyeon was a chair separated from her mother.

“I don’t hear any phones ringing.” His father said sharply, not yet losing his cool.

Jihoon took out his phone from his pocket, wrote a small text then dialed his sister’s number. Three seconds later, the tune was filling the house. “Now it is. Jungyeon, go.”

Jungyeon looked at her twin, a bit panicked; her hand reached his under the table and kept pressing it for a long time. She finally got up and went upstairs in a hurry, her eyes shut as she disappeared. His mother started getting the dishes in the sink. The three men of the house were the only ones who remained at their seats. Seungcheol’s aghast face didn’t lose any of its fear, if anything, it had worsened.

His father got up from the table and was making his way to Jihoon. Quickly, Seungcheol was up to his feet, blocking his way as if by accident or sheer coincidence of timing.

“Appa, there’s that petition that has to be signed, so funny, a twenty-three years old man needing a parent’s signature.” Seungcheol said laughing, Jihoon was watching the bead of sweat breaking at his brother’s forehead.

Their father looked at him and said, “Go get it then.”

Jihoon was so used to it that he had it already laid out in his head, he wondered how hard it would be this time.

“Hyung!” Jungyeon’s voice called all the way from up.

There was a door being shut, their mother wasn’t in the kitchen anymore.

Seungcheol’s eyes shot to Jihoon, shaking his head in rueful disapproval. Somehow it almost pained Jihoon to see his brother’s expression. He smiled wanly then whispered slowly, “Please.”

It was also their thing, not more than one should take the fall. Neither of them was ever to ignore a call from the other, no matter what.

And so, Seungcheol, too, was gone. It was Jihoon and his father now.

And Jihoon heard the thing he wanted to hear, the only thing that mattered now. The soft thud of his sister’s feet as they made contact with the ground. She had left the house. She was gone. It was all good.

 

\----

 

At 1 A.M, Jihoon’s bedroom door opened. Jungyeon crawled into his bed.

Silently, she rested her head on his hand which was propped under his head, he was looking out of the window.

“I’m sorry.” She said, a sentence which hardly came out.

“Did you have fun with your friends?” he asked softly.

“Please, Jihoon. Not each time.”

“I’d always do it for both of you.” Jihoon’s smile was less than faint.

He heard a sob. Then the wet tears started falling on his arm.

He let out a sound that should have been interpreted as a low chuckle. “You cry now?”

_My best defense._

“Shaddup!” she hit him, too weakly, so uncharacteristic. “I always cry. For both of you.”

“Hey, at least your date was before that.” It was a vain attempt to make her stop crying. He hated to see her crying, but he was never capable of saying anything comforting, sometimes she sought comfort in that.

They sat in silence. For so long.

“I love you, Woozi. No matter what. Always remember that.” She whispered.

_I know._

He went back to his star-gazing, a morbid thought about the moon filling his mind.

_How empty._

 

 

 

 

 

A bruise.

That was all what remained after the intensive care of his face. Soonyoung did his best to hide his bruise and he thought he did a pretty good job about it. He tried not to think about the unfortunate event two nights ago, because of Jihoon in essence and not because of his workmate. He didn’t tell anyone about what happened, come to think of it Soonyoung never retold things that happened in that kind of light.

He was heading out late, meeting up with a friend, he was going to break into a run, but loud drunk voices stopped him.

“You can’t even walk.” A distractingly familiar voice.

_Jeonghan._

His eyes darted to Jeonghan’s company. He had a feeling, his feelings never lied. It was Seungcheol. He looked stark drunk; his hair a mess it relatively concealed his face, strands were everywhere on his face. Soonyoung felt ashamed to be drawing the resemblance between the siblings in such a situation, even more ashamed to find himself drawing the _if only he…_ comparison between the two brothers. A comparison he often found himself drawing. Jeonghan wasn’t too sober either, but he was still-level headed despite the drunken blush colouring his cheek.

Soonyoung slipped behind a tree, he had enough grace to let his brother be, enough grace to pretend he saw nothing. His brother never drank at home, just like the smoking, he wouldn’t want to be seen by his little brother in that state.

“I’ll get you back home…” Jeonghan said with a grunt. Soonyoung stole a glance at them, Jeonghan was throwing Seungcheol’s arm around his neck. That alerted Seungcheol.

“No!” he objected. “No.” he repeated. “Take me to your house, I’m crashing.” He was laughing feebly, drunkly by the end of his sentence.

“Jihoon…” he muttered, eyes caste down.

“I know.” Jeonghan said and picked up the pace again.

Soonyoung hated himself for slipping to their home’s yard; if Jihoon was involved then he was willing to shoulder the burden of feeling guilty in the morning. He counted four minutes in his head before he was looking at Seungcheol who was lying on their sofa, his forearm covering his eyes, Jeonghan providing some water and a quilt. He crouched to his knees, watching his brother brush Seungcheol’s hair away from his face.

“Your brother is home?” he asked.

Jeonghan shook his head, smiling warmly. Soonyoung always loved that smile of his. It always made Soonyoung feel warm, as if there were no evil in the world, a hand-patting smile. Sometimes Jeonghan would tell him _‘Soonyoung, you’re starting to have that healing effect with your smile.’_  He had a habit of being there for Jeonghan just as much as Jeonghan was there for him. And now, Jeonghan was there for someone else. The complex feelings finally settled on happiness.

Seungcheol sat up, he looked like he would cry. Soonyoung didn’t have the stomach for the scene, he felt himself blushing, he felt despicable. Truly. He sat on the ground, his back to the house. Lessening the feeling of his self-loathe by the gesture. _Listening is enough._

But he didn’t hear anything, the curtains were drawn, the window shut, and he was shut out as simply as that. Disappointment and relief both filled him. He sighed and stood up, pinching his cheek then chuckling. _Idiot._ He imagined Jungyeon in front of him patronizingly or teasingly saying that. He started walking, back to his destination. Imagining Jungyeon right now was no good, it reminded him of Seungcheol, who led him back to Jihoon, who made his stomach queasy.

 

Next day, Soonyoung sat up in his bed, ruffling his hair, getting the surreal effect of waking up, trying to figure out the day, the place, what happened, what was real and what was a dream. He didn’t like the ruling out of the last thing. He jumped out of bed and swiftly crouched on the stairwell, looking down.

“Idiot.” Something hit his head lightly. He smelt coffee.

“Ouch.” He said, rubbing his head and looking up, it was his father who had just got out from the bathroom.

“Your brother would get a heart attack next time you try to scare him, break the habit.” He was sipping his morning coffee as he went down the stairs. Soonyoung followed his lead.

“Good morning, Yoon-sshi,” Seungcheol said, he was sitting on the dining table, not eating, there was no food to begin with. Jeonghan was just leaning near his shoulder. “Good morning, little brother.” He added.

“Good morning, Seungcheol. I’m sorry my sons forgot their manners.” He said, laying down his newspaper and coffee. “Did you have breakfast yet?”

It was off how his father was so familiar with Seungcheol, he wasn’t there when they came back home yesterday, the situation should be new to him, yet he was much better handling the situation than Soonyoung who, not only knew Seungcheol would be here but also was trying to ambush him earlier. He sighed.

A hand slapped his chest. “No sighing so early in the morning, gee.” It was Seungcheol’s hand. “You remind me of him sometimes I want to put you two together in a room and see what would happen.”

_A nuclear explosion probably._

Soonyoung forced a smile.

“I’ll be off, thanks for letting me crash here. Ahh that was so embarrassing not quite a role model here.” He laughed shyly. Jeonghan walked him to the door.

“Nice kid.” His father said after Jeonghan had returned back to the room.

He smiled _that_ smile again. “Yea.”

Their father filled a container with coffee and left for work as well.

Soonyoung didn’t waste any second on shutting the door behind his father.

“You’ve ten seconds to start explaining else I’ll start showering you with questions.” Soonyoung said like a journalist fishing for new material as he slipped into his chair next to his brother.

Jeonghan sighed.

“It’s complicated.” Jeonghan said.

“No it’s not. Let me tell you what’s complicated. We’ve been in this neighbourhood for almost half a year. Somehow everything has to be related to that-” he pointed to the Lee’s house from where he stood, “house. Somehow I can’t escape it no matter what. I learn that my brother knows the oldest brother and obviously so does my father. When and where that happened is a mystery to me.” Soonyoung gushed.

“What’s your point?”

“The guy is basically a random stranger. Okay, a random neighbour. Yet he crashed in yesterday, drunk.” Soonyoung heaved. He didn’t care that he was basically telling Jeonghan that he had seen them the day before.

“Your point, Soonyoung.” Jeonghan seemed cold, a first to Soonyoung. At least not in a long time.

“Why would a guy cry? Why would he cry in front of someone he hasn’t known for long?” Soonyoung cut to the chase, there was no point of beating around the bush. He could swear his brother flinched at that.

“I should say the same thing, you were in his house not a week ago, acting all chummy with a so-called girl you presumably just met.” Jeonghan was talking as if he were arguing an argument he had already won.

“First, I’m dating that so-called girl. Second, don’t evade the question-”

“You what?” Jeonghan said, eyes wide, wide open.

Soonyoung looked at him, eyebrows arched. “I’m dating Jungyeon, Jeonghan.”

Jeonghan got to his feet. “Foolish little brother!” he exclaimed, stretching each syllable as if Soonyoung were an imbecile.

“Excuse you?” he didn’t say it with malice. Just confusion.

“Soonyoung, just stay away from that house. From its residents. And I’m not arguing with you.”

In the few seconds Soonyoung was trying to say something that wouldn’t be hurtful, Jeonghan was already gone.

He had only one option, if Jeonghan refused to give him answers, then he was the one leaving him no other options.

 

He tried busying himself till night. Contemplating different scenarios, trying to figure out which would be best. He took a pebble from their yard, crossed the street and threw it at what he wagered to be Jungyeon’s room window. And luck was his friend. Her head showed up seconds later. He gestured for her to come down. She mouthed that her mom is home. The first time Soonyoung met Jungyeon was similar to this, he smiled at the memory then told her to jump.

“Only if you’d catch me.” She said with a smile.

He was going to stand down and catch her but only then he knew she was demanding that so he could refuse it. Either way how would she get up again if not the front door? He pressed his lips to a thin line, watching her chuckle as she saw the realization on his face.

“Find Jihoon.” She said then shut her window.

It was Jihoon he wanted. It was Jihoon he planned on finding. He shot to the woods, picturing the first time he went through it as he ran, praying he had guessed the directions right.

And there he was, looking through his telescope, oblivious to his surroundings. His notes lied next to some kind of a tools-kit, there was also a first-aid kit. Why would one need a first-aid kit with a telescope, Soonyoung couldn’t guess.

“Lee!” he called out, but Jihoon didn’t turn. He narrowed his eyes for a better view at the distance to notice the earphones that were plugged to his ear.

_Of course._

He didn’t want to scare him, so he decided to call to him from front instead of behind. He put his eye in the other end of the telescope.

“Fuck!” In less than a second Soonyoung saw Jihoon jumping back, tripping on his first-aid kit (oh the irony), and falling on his butt. On having been supported by his hand, Jihoon winced.

Soonyoung once again wished it had been quicksand beneath his feet instead of that green thingie.

“I’m so sorry.” Soonyoung said, meaning it, offering Jihoon his right hand.

“Maybe if you didn’t apologize so much.” He muttered, it wasn’t meant to be cold. Soonyoung hoped it didn’t.

Soonyoung extended his hand, Jihoon gave him a what-are-you-doing look, as if the guy were an extraterrestrial thing, a celestial being that didn’t belong to this planet, no more than any star did.

“I’m offering you my hand, get up.” Soonyoung said as if Jihoon needed an explanation, which was the only thing Jihoon’s expression indicated, Soonyoung wasn’t to blame. He ignored the offered hand and started getting up, but for some reason got back on his butt. Soonyoung’s eyebrows creased.

Jihoon took Soonyoung’s right hand with his left. Soonyoung pulled.

“You’re a southpaw?” he asked.

“Yes.” It wasn’t supposed to come out as curt either.

“I’d have apologized for injuring your hand, but seemingly you don’t like apologies.” Soonyoung said, trying to be normal.

“You didn’t injure it.” He was looking at Soonyoung’s eyes. It wasn’t followed by a _don’t worry_ or _no need_ , a simple statement, almost a fact. From firsthand experience and the way Jungyeon talked about her twin, Soonyoung knew it wasn’t meant to be rude. That _he_ in general didn’t mean to be rude, even if it would sometimes rub you off the wrong way. He tried not to be sensitive about the matter, he was trying to adapt.

_If it wasn’t your hand then…_

“So it was a telescope?” Soonyoung was bad at sparking up conversations, because if he didn’t say something, Jihoon would never speak, not that he did much even when the former tried to talk to him.

“Yes.”

Soonyoung didn’t know what else to do but keep trying, maybe someday he would succeed.

“There’s a study that anticipates a meteor this year.” Soonyoung did read that sometime, however it was a simple joke, just to lighten the atmosphere.

“They’re mostly wrong. The only things now are just comets escaping the galaxy.” Jihoon was gazing through the lens one last time before wrapping things up. Soonyoung thought it was a dream, Jihoon actually talked, more than a laconic reply, he had talked.

“Guess so. It hasn’t been a decade yet so we can see those great comets yet.” Soonyoung commented, looking up briefly.

“I wish it has been, frankly speaking. Comets are…” he trailed off, Soonyoung suspected Jihoon noticed he had been talking too much (comparatively) so he wanted to stop. Or maybe it was something entirely different. “They’re beautiful. Most people talk about meteors as though they are some kind of myth, some admiring it and others dreading it. Yet only the beauty of its destructive power is worth the bow, lethally pretty and lethally destructive … it has it all. Something that’s so…” Jihoon seemed to be struggling in search for the right words. Soonyoung was watching in admiration.

It suddenly hit him. “Something ambivalent?”

Jihoon chuckled. _He chuckled!!!_

“I’ve never heard such an accurate description of something before.”

Soonyoung looked at the sky, a sparkling star stood out, then it was no more. “It’s kinda symbolic too, if you look at it. That a simple body –even if solar isn’t quite simple- when passing by a sun it’d heat up and it has gases that can form such a beautiful tail and all, it’s as if it had died, yet the sight is so a beautiful and anticipated. A beautiful way to die. Just like stars exploding, destruction for a proper reconstruction and birth, a resurrection … but that’s not the case for a comet. It’s gone. Poof. That’s the end of it, simply like that.”

The extending silence finally demanded to be noticed. Soonyoung noticed and looked back at Jihoon, he was on the verge of apologizing which made him laugh loudly.

“What’s funny?” Jihoon asked, not interested, zipping up the case.

“I almost apologized now, never mind me.”

“You’re quite knowledgeable …” it came out barely louder than a mutter.

“Not really, I like to read different kinds of books.” He approached Jihoon, leaned down to get the case and gave it to Jihoon. He took it as if it were a violin case and wore the straps on his left shoulder.

They started walking together.

“You know, I thought out a different scenario.” Soonyoung said, pushing back a small branch.

“Hmm?”

“You noticed.” Soonyoung was playing smooth. He saw the corner of Jihoon’s mouth tugging upward, not a smile, it was a smirk.

“Yes. What did you think? You’d ask, I’d refuse to answer. You would want to see my shoulder by force, maybe I’d push you and we’d end up fighting? Some teenage drama?”

Soonyoung flushed, it was exactly as he had said.

Another smirk.

“You’re overestimating yourself, you could have never forced your way to see my shoulder anyways. That’s why I knew I’d never have to fight you.” Jihoon explained simply.

It was too simple, he made it sound as if it were the only logical outcome. _Idiot._

They reached the end of their destination.

“Can we pretend?” Jihoon asked, not making eye contact.

“That we fought?” Soonyoung asked, not taking a hint.

“No, not that.” he paused. “Can we pretend you don’t know?”

Soonyoung knew Jihoon wasn’t the kind of guys who would ask for something, for anything actually. And yet there they were. It wasn’t like he had any other options but to agree. And it wasn’t like he knew his reasons or their cause. A guess would never be enough.

He nodded. Soonyoung started crossing the road.

“Soonyoung,” Jihoon called out to him, it was the first time he addressed him with his name. Soonyoung was filled with happiness and dread at the same time. “I’d keep my distance… if I were you that is.”

Soonyoung didn’t recall Jungyeon mentioning her twin brother knowing about them, he doubted Seungcheol would rat her out either. He turned too sharply. “From who? Yoojung?”

Jihoon smirked and shrugged his shoulders, then he turned and unlocked the door.

_Lethal; a double edged word._

 

 

 

 

 

Three consecutive knocks on the door.

_Hyung._

The door was opened; Seungcheol let himself in and leaned on the doorjamb.

“It’s summer, you should go out some more.” He said.

“I’ve never been an outdoor kind of person, no need to remind you.” It was a lie.

“What? Have your secret spots been invaded? You were never an indoors kind of person, Jihoon.” Seungcheol sighed and walked till he stood next to where Jihoon had been sitting. “How’s your shoulder?”

He averted his eyes, got up but Seungcheol blocked his path. “Take off your shirt.”

“I don’t need a caretaker, Hyung.” Jihoon said, looking at the door.

“I know you don’t, it’s just nice to see someone caring for you.”

Jihoon smiled. Slowly and carefully he started taking off his shirt. Then he sat on bed, Seungcheol opposite to him.

“It’s not as swollen at least.” He said after unwrapping the old bandages. The door was flung open again.

“Geez, learn to knock!” Seungcheol said, he was on his feet, having jumped off bed in surprise.

“It’s not my problem you’re a scardy cat. Maybe if you stop making such compromising scenes, you’d not be so jumpy.” Jungyeon said, breaking a pokey-stick with her teeth and munching it.

“It’s not your room to enter it like that!” Seungcheol argued.

“Neither is it yours!” she didn’t budge, so Jungyeon-ish.

All of that made Jihoon laugh, they looked dumbfounded at first then they joined him. It felt delightfully good, it made his heart lighter as well. They were always at each other’s heads like that, Jungyeon not acting like the girl she should be and Seungcheol not acting like the twenty-three years old _adult_ he should have been. It was funny how nothing was going right in this household. Some things were funny, others … well not so much.

“You, wear your shirt, I’m not going to tolerate seeing him getting hard.” She jabbed her finger at Seungcheol and threw Jihoon a shirt. He was still smiling, just weaker.

“It’s not I who is rumored to be having sex with my brother.” Seungcheol teased.

“Ha-ha, isn’t that the very tacky twincest joke I hear.” She sat down next to Jihoon.

“Now you’re denying us, Yoojung…” Jihoon said, sulking.

She hit his shoulder. He groaned.

“Sorry, wrong shoulder.” She said indifferently, lying on her stomach and grabbing a nearby magazine. She looked everything but sorry. “Just get yourself a someone already, big bro, I don’t like the idea of getting married before you.”

“You can be a real bitch sometimes, Jungyeon.”

“Than-” she was cut off by a raised finger.

“It’s not a compliment.” Seungcheol added, then he began wrapping Jihoon’s abdomen. “And for your information, I’m seeing someone, no thanks to you.”

“Just because you’ve your eyes on someone and having fantasies about them, it doesn’t mean you guys became a thing. Please stop confusing your dreams with reality, big bro.” Jungyeon always liked to inject enough sarcasm into her _big bro._

“You’ve got one really nice sister, Jihoon.” Seungcheol said with a fake smile, pulling tight at the last wrap-turn. Jihoon winced, his arm flailed a bit as a knee-jerk reaction.

“She’s the one being mean to you not me!” he objected. Jihoon didn’t mind pain, but he would rather avoid it if possible.

“Imagine if it were just the two of us, little brother, without someone clinging to us, just the two of us boys – not that I feel any female vibes in this house.” He looked as if he were really imagining it. It was an old joke, one they were all accustomed to and were okay with it, they always laughed in spite of its light actually.

“Apart from those emitting from your vibrator, big bro? No, I don’t feel the vibes either.” She always had some kind of a comeback, she had no boundaries to anything, not familial-wise and not gender-wise.

“Maybe you really should have never been born,”

It was a joke. But this one, Jihoon was strongly against. He glared at his brother. Jungyeon didn’t really mind it. But it could be the closest thing to a red line for Jihoon.

“Landmine alert.” She said, sitting up in bed.

Jihoon was still glaring at his brother, he let it go later, it has already been said, no point in doing anything.

“By the way, Hyung, I have a boyfriend, for a bit over a month now.” She started. Jihoon would have said nothing, he would have considered it casual chatter, but something in the way Seungcheol looked at their sister made Jihoon suspicious. And Seungcheol noticed he had been seen, but it was too late. His strained laughter filled the room.

The noises down at the house started to grow louder. Seungcheol stopped laughing, Jungyeon’s munching-sounds ceased as well, they both met Jihoon’s eyes for the briefest second, then everyone in the room looked away.

Silence stretched into minutes, all listening to the lovely background noise of their parents.

Then came a scream.

“You should leave.” Their mom was saying loud enough for the siblings to hear.

The three of them seemed paralyzed, _that_ wasn’t usual. Jihoon was the first to react. He opened the door and jumped the stairs. The front door to their house was opened.

“Sir, your wife’s hand is bleeding, she could be critically injured.”

_Oh god._

It was Soonyoung. He moved to help their mother.

“It’s okay, dear … I’ll make sure to have it wrapped.”

“This’s a deep cut, Lee-sshi, you should see a doctor.” Soonyoung argued, handling their mother’s hand ever so carefully, like it could break any second.

“Oh God!” both of Jihoon’s siblings voiced his thoughts in sync as they joined his side in the neighbouring room.

Jihoon’s mind was inhabited by a whirlwind. It was spinning fast, trying to come up with something. Trying not to panic. _He could be injured. She is hurt._ Things could go really bad right now.

“Who are you and what are you doing in my house?” their father said, looking down on Soonyoung.

“I’m sorry sir,” _still fucking apologizing._ “I was coming to give your son something on the behalf of my brother, I heard a scream and something shattering then some crying. I thought something had gone wrong so I just rushed in.” Soonyoung said rising up to face him.

Jihoon clenched his fist and stepped in the room at last.

“Go upstairs.” His dad said, trying so hard not to snap despite his temper.

“Soonyoung, you should leave.” Jihoon breathed.

“Get up!” he handled their mom roughly up.

“Sir!” Soonyoung turned back to the fallen woman, breaking her from his grasp and helping her up. “She needs help, please.”

“Who do you think you are to come barging into my house telling me what to do and what not to do?” he took two angry steps forward, Jihoon could swear he was shooting sparks, he could also swear Soonyoung could feel his father’s breath.

_That’s going so bad. No._

“I’m fine, thank you for your concern, dear…” she argued to no avail.

_Stupid._

No one was moving.

“Please don’t take this tone with me, sir. I’m just going to make sure she sees a doctor. My father is a doctor, it shouldn’t take long.”

_A fucking bystander. Fucking bystanders._

Jihoon wasn’t sure if Soonyoung were stupid or he were oblivious to the situation. Probably both.

“This,” his father moved frantically like a maniac, getting the knife, “is what injured her, I was the cause.” He held it up. “I’m a cop, if you think I won’t dare to hurt an intruder, you’re wrong.” He had totally lost it.

Jihoon could see the horror in Soonyoung’s eyes, but he saw no hesitation, he didn’t budge. “I’m giving you three seconds to move, ten seconds to get out of my property.”

“Sir, listen to me,” Soonyoung was trying to reason.

“One…”

Jihoon gritted his teeth, clenched his fist and looked away.

If you could reason with _him_ then he would perish.

_Fucking fool, why would you!_

“Sir!”

He closed his eyes, tried to will his mind to force his body to stop, every inch in him told him the ramifications were too much, the pay wasn’t worth the cause, and that it was a losing battle, but he was halfway across the room. Everything was in vain, and it all happened too fast, Seungcheol was screaming his name, taking a long stride to reach him, Jungyeon shouting Soonyoung’s name, running to him, his mother’s cries and pleas, Soonyoung’s vain attempts at reasoning and the last count. The hand in the air. The pain-bracing, the stiffness of his body, the hate, the anger. But it wasn’t there, the knife never made contact with Jihoon’s body. He heard the thud on the ground. He opened his eyes, there he was standing between a recently-met random stranger and his father’s rage.

Jihoon was shaking with rage, he shot him a stare that can make mountains shake, a glare that was caused when Jihoon was crossed. And _he_ went straight out of the door, cursing.

Jihoon finally ordered his body to fall to the ground, he sat with his head in his hands facing forward, facing the door, trying to get everything under control, the memories surging forth, trying to blur reality, refusing to deal with anything. He wanted to freeze time, to take a breather, to stare at himself just as he was now and think how pathetic it was.

He hated everything.

No one dared to say a word to him, he saw Seungcheol and his mother walking through the door, both distraught, Seungcheol was saying something Jihoon couldn’t make out, Jungyeon nodded and slipped against the door herself. Soonyoung stood between them. Jihoon couldn’t sort out his mind, he couldn’t deal with his various emotions right now, they had been stock-piling and it was unbearable, he could feel the breath slowly being drained out of him.

Then the blurring of his reality blackened at the edges.

And he started gasping for air like a drowning soul.

And an overwhelming sense of body detachment befell on him.

And the last thing he heard was a soft thud.

 

****

 

 

Soonyoung didn’t greet his brother back, he half heard him anyways, he felt as if he were shaking, as if he had survived an earthquake. He took the stairs to his room, stumbling more than once. He had just earned _The Biggest Idiot In History_ award. He had left a nervous Jungyeon with an unconscious Jihoon, Seungcheol was laughing down there, the sound sounded so fake yet if he didn’t know he was faking it Soonyoung would have probably never guessed. He envied that kind of strength, the ability to restore oneself in a few seconds’ interval. His father was wrapping Jihoon's mom’s hand; arm as he chattered with her. Ha ha a silly housewife injuring her hand in the kitchen and crying in pain, just how many times had this happened.

He sat on his bed, his back against the wall, staring into space, his eyes dealing with unseen terror. He still didn’t understand how someone could do that. His wife was bleeding and he didn’t bat an eye, it was a stupid thing to think because he was the one who injured her somehow, he would have hurt his son just like that. No one moved an inch to talk to him. And no one moved to save _him._ Soonyoung himself as no exception. It traumatized him. He closed his eyes and buried his face in his propped-on-knees arms.

He felt a soft pat on his shoulder. He raised his head to see Seungcheol kneeling beside him.

“I’m sorry you had to see this.” He apologized, handing him a glass of water.

Soonyoung wanted to scream at him. He never felt so enraged in his life. He never felt so strongly about anything.

“How could you?” he hissed. He could tell Seungcheol didn’t see that coming. He clutched to his hair so he could keep his hands from shaking. “She is your mother!”

 _She is your damn mother,_ Soonyoung cried on the inside _and she could have died!_

“He could have been wounded! That was a knife!” he was starting to adapt a shouting tone, his voice rising, rage simmering with smitten hatred. “How dare you stand and watch, not moving, he is your brother!” Soonyoung spat. He couldn’t articulate how he felt. However, his words were strong enough they got Seungcheol to his feet, he looked like he was in pain. Major pain, he didn’t dare look Soonyoung in the eyes.

“HOW COULD YOU!!?” Soonyoung got to his feet, screaming, he grabbed at Seungcheol’s shirt, feeling so frustratingly infuriated. He felt like he could cry. And he let way to tears. Jeonghan was at the door, Soonyoung saw him through his teary vision, soon to be joined by his father and his panicking expression. Soonyoung’s grasp loosened and his hands went limp by his sides. He looked at Seungcheol’s face. No one could ever look as sorry as he had looked. It was painful to look at. He muttered something to Jeonghan, put a hand on his shoulder then left.

Soonyoung fell to the floor, the same way Jihoon did not so long ago. But he was crying. It almost blew his mind at how he hadn’t shed a tear back then. Jeonghan was telling their father he would talk to him and that he can go for now. He closed the door after him and he fell to his knees, hugging Soonyoung.

“That wasn’t human…” he said, still shaking. “I was so scared, so indescribably scared. Scared for everyone else.” Jeonghan hugged him tighter, telling him to stop, muttering words of reassurance, as the shaking Soonyoung scratched at his hand like a mad-man.

 “I couldn’t do anything, I was stupid and I made it harder for everyone.” He was dancing on the thin line between staying sane and losing it. “And he didn’t even cry.” Soonyoung was shouting, words that no one could feel, trying to stop a scar from forming. He wasn’t even entitled to cry for anything but butting in. His hands not giving it a rest, he could feel his fingers damp. “There’s so much wrong in this world, SO MUCH!” His hands finally stopped. “He did nothing wrong, he did…” he said weekly.

“I’m sorry.”

_Why do you keep apologizing._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm, perhaps I'd pushed my luck too much with the storyline? Not to spoil and not to let your hopes up, it is kinda heavy-atmosphere'd so lol idk feedback and criticism?  
> Like yo! you can't be harsher than me on me so don't worry and hit me with your best/worst criticism xx


	3. Aquarius

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHAHAHA I'm sorry for this huge-assed chapter, please don't hate me and have some faith in this story (slow build more like snail-slow build OTL)  
> I hope you can enjoy this b c i d i e ok //sad smile  
> Have fun xx

 

 

It wasn’t one secret spot. Jihoon had three spots he usually took refuge in. Albeit they might have not been secret, they were good spots, and they were worth it. Better than the four sickening walls of his room.

He realized he missed practicing during summer hiatus.

He would go to the park, take his usual seat on the swing and read a book or do anything to pass time. Sometimes during exams he would study in the park, making do with the street lamps or the faint moonlight –occasionally the torch light in his phone when he went at night. He was often chased out of the park at first, only to sneak in again after the guard had been gone, but after a while the guard got tired and just let Jihoon be. Everyone had to go home some time after all.

But he wasn’t alone that night.

“You’re not going to leave me standing here all night, right?”

Jihoon looked over his shoulder for the second time. It was Soonyoung, he had been there for quite some time now.

“I never told you to keep standing.” Jihoon replied.

Soonyoung moved and sat on the swing next to Jihoon, he sat facing the opposite direction nonetheless.

“Why are you here, Soonyoung?” Jihoon asked, he didn’t want to come off as unnecessarily cold. He hoped Soonyoung wouldn’t apologize, Jihoon was really sick and tired of hearing apologies.

“Trying not to apologize.” Soonyoung answered, he looked stern. He paused and looked at the ground, this was one of the few times Jihoon looked at the person talking to him, especially when it was Soonyoung. “Lee, do you hate me?” he asked after a while of mouth-opening-slash-closing, he had seemed uncertain how to phrase his sentence.

“I don’t.” It was the truth. If anything, Jihoon felt something entirely different, something that was far from hate and love.

They fell into tight-sealed silence, Jihoon looking at Soonyoung from the corner of his eyes, studying him intently.

“Why did you lie?” Jihoon was the first to break the ice once again, not to initiate a conversation, but because it was something that didn’t make sense to him at all. Not that many things in his life ever did.

“Erm,” Soonyoung began, looking uncomfortable. Jihoon knew he would instantly get the reference, he was capable of fairly analyzing someone’s personality, and so far Soonyoung didn’t prove to be sly or dumb. “How are you feeling, Lee?”

Jihoon snorted. A needless question which he didn’t like much.

Soonyoung bit his lips and tried a different approach. “Listen, I know this is complicated-”

“It’s not.” Jihoon cut him firmly. “Cut to the chase, why did you lie?”

“I was there to give you something and not your brother, although it wasn’t on the behalf of my brother, okay.” His tone was sharper than usual but it would be unfair to call it sharp.

“Just what could you have to give me?” It was a genuine question, just the wrong intonation.

“What’s wrong with you!” Soonyoung was being slowly driven into desperation, Jihoon was pushing his buttons.

“I just hate feeling guilty, okay!” Jihoon snapped. It had been so long since he snapped. He felt indebted and guilty. He saw something that wasn’t quite hurt in Soonyoung’s face, something that was entirely different, not shock either, it was nothing Jihoon understood. Jihoon felt even guiltier at that. He couldn’t apologize, he wouldn’t and he didn’t. He looked away. The swift movement of both of their swings, the soft sound of the breeze and the playful wind teasing the tree-leaves, those were the only sounds in that dark night. Neither of them looked at the other, the same way he and his siblings looked away whenever _something_ happened. Each consumed by his own thoughts, but Jihoon was consumed by trying to not feel guilty. He shouldn’t have said that.

Jihoon swallowed some of his anger. “Few days ago, your part time-job,” Jihoon was deliberately delivering facts without having to voice the exact words.

“Don’t.” Was all Soonyoung said.

“No. I know you saw me. I saw you getting hit and I simply walked by, why did you have to interfere?” Jihoon did his best not to hiss the word ‘interfere’.

Soonyoung didn’t answer. He gave Jihoon a look that was ever so like that he gave his manager days ago. A look that could only say ‘I do have an answer but won’t answer your question’. As repulsive as that look should be, it made Jihoon calmer. He, too, was too adapted to that kind of look. He tsk’d and looked away.

“I’m trying here, Lee.” Soonyoung said after a long while.

He winced. _Lee._ “Can you please stop using that name?” Jihoon tried to keep his tone even, it came out spiteful.

“It’s your name, what should I call you!” Not a question. Jihoon felt like punching him, but he saw the realization on his face quickly. “I’m sorry.”

“Forget it, don’t call me anything.” He said indifferently, back to swinging lightly.

Soonyoung didn’t speak for some time. “Jihoon. I’ll call you Jihoon until we become friends and I can use a shorter name for you.”

Jihoon turned abruptly to him, his eyes wide with surprise. This guy still planned on staying. “I don’t need your pity.” He said flatly, not averting his eyes.

“It’s not pity, I told you it’s complicated and you refused to listen.”

Jihoon hated arguments. “I didn’t refuse to listen, I just said it’s not.”

“Then you refused.” Soonyoung was smiling.

Jihoon sighed. He debated saying something but ended up silent. As usual. But after a while it got the worst of him. “He never hit her before.”

And he needn’t clarify. He heard metal clustering, then he saw Soonyoung in front of him, he had got to his knees so he can at somehow be on level with the sitting-Jihoon. They locked eyes for a while, Soonyoung looked off, like he was excruciatingly trying not to be sympathetic yet miserably failing. Jihoon braced himself for afew uncalled for speeches, a few uncalled actions. It took even his siblings more than a while till they understood there little to no point to them.

But all Soonyoung said was, “Be my friend.”

Jihoon almost cursed. Soonyoung ruffled his hair like a madman with both hands, screaming a long low ‘ah’. Then he lifted his head once again and said. “I already proclaimed you a friend of mine, you probably realize you are stuck with me, so stop being so stupidly unyielding and be my friend already.”

Jihoon’s eyes were wide with shock for the second time that night.

Few people could dismiss a subject like that. And almost no one associated the word ‘stupid’ with Jihoon.

 “I-” he said, clenched his fist and blew air at it in front of his mouth as if to buy himself enough time to make his mouth stop moving. “You are unbelievable.”

Soonyoung was going to say something. But again he was cut, “Don’t. Apologize.”

Soonyoung laughed more than the statement (joke on Soonyoung’s part) accounted for. “I didn’t mean to call you stupid.”

“You don’t know me.” He was feeling as a stranger in his own skin for talking so much.

“Not totally true, but you don’t know me either, and I plan on sticking for long.” Soonyoung searched Jihoon’s face for any signs of giving ground. But none showed so he just kept staring at his face.

After some kind of time interval Soonyoung talked again. “Why do you have to be so cold-blooded?” he asked, falling to his butt and sitting cross legged, he looked so let down.

Maybe on another day, Jihoon would have laughed hard at that. But all he could afford for the time being was a small smile, but it was genuine, hell, it was genuine. He got to his feet, still smiling. “You are a fool,”

And all Soonyoung did was laugh again, Jihoon didn’t understand that guy, he didn’t understand him at all. He was an utter fool who found something funny in everything.

“Offer me your hand.” Soonyoung said after he was done laughing.

Jihoon contemplated, still looking down on him as he stood his distance. A reverse situation, Jihoon smirked. “Has that become a thing?”

Soonyoung chuckled. “Maybe. Who knows. Years from now I would say that and you would laugh. No one would understand that but us.” He was smiling as he talked. The guy smiled awfully a lot.

_An inside joke of ours._ This thought was sufficient to warm Jihoon’s insides albeit slightly, just enough to break the ice. He hesitated, pressed his lips into a thin line, hesitated again then offered his hand at last with a smile.

Soonyoung was finally on his feet, brushing the sand off his pants. “You should smile more often.” He said simply. “It brings out your face prettily.”

_Flinch._

“Ahh, sorry.” Soonyoung said quickly.

It felt too off. “Never mind.” He said tersely.

And in sync, both looked up at the starless sky.

“Let’s go.”

 

 

****

****

 

Summer vacation was dying.

Soonyoung looked at the sun from his room’s window. Barely being able to look at it, the day was abnormally hot and it made him dizzy, he was biting the cap of his pencil as he gazed on. He developed a better passion for a few new hobbies. But he couldn’t concentrate enough so he decided to call it a day and go down, look for Jeonghan. Or if he became bored he would call Jungyeon. He had been going out with her for over two months…

Maybe he would drop by their house, he doubted anyone would be there but the twins. But the thought of going there still made his insides tighten. He dreaded the horror of experiencing it again. And he hated thinking about it. It made everything feel catastrophically wrong. He didn’t want to tread down that train of thoughts, knowing fully how eminently capable it was of destroying his … what?

He smiled and went down, humming a tune.

Jeonghan was there, it always made him relieved to be in the presence of his brother. That chummy feeling he always provided to whoever was in a hundred-mile radius of him.

“If this were an art movie, birds would probably be chirping on your shoulders right now, Soonyoung.” Jeonghan said, looking up from his work on the table to his brother. He looked fully dressed, as if he were to leave the house on the cue of a single phone-call. Jeonghan had recently developed this habit.

“I’m happy, what’s wrong with that.” he said, grinning like an idiot.

“You’ve been overly happy for two weeks now. You are practically sparkling.” Jeonghan set down his glasses and laced his fingers together. Sometimes he would become too serious as he did that.

_Two weeks._ Soonyoung chuckled and took a seat next to his brother on the sofa.

“It’s changing me.” He began, stifling the impulse to laugh. “You should be happy I’m happy, hyung.”

“It? Soonyoung, please, had anyone been here when dad and I hadn’t?” Jeonghan seemed exigent, as if a horrifying thought came to mind and he wanted to negate it else it would become a reality.

And Soonyoung was able to put two and two together. He shook his head, flushing ever so slightly. “Oh no, hyung, _no_.” He looked away, scratching his neck. That moment of embarrassment would have been longer, but Soonyoung saw his neighbour from the window, moving to the other side of the house.

“My cue.” He said, getting up. “Hyung, see you later, don’t bring anyone here either.” He laughed and it was Jeonghan’s turn not to blush. Soonyoung thought he looked too innocent with such an expression, he hoped he himself didn’t look like that when he tried not to colour. That would always leave any guy at a disposition.

 

By the time Soonyoung reached the other side of the street, his neighbour had already been in the backyard. He saw a female figure about five meters to his right, there was a shorter person to her right. Jungyeon showed up, calling out to her friend. She saw Soonyoung as well and she flashed her customary ardent smile then pushed up her sun-glasses.

He awkwardly watched the two friends do the casual talk before entering the house.

“Sana, this is Hoshi. And this little guy,” she gestured at the smaller figure: a small boy of six or so, then kneeled to play with him. “Is Ren; Sana’s cutesy brother. Hoshi, well you know the protocol.”

They bowed politely, Ren extended his hand to his ‘hyung’ and Soonyoung shook it with too much glee; he always liked kids. Then Jungyeon opened the small short door in the fence for them but she, herself, jumped.

“You’ll get hurt one day,” Soonyoung said, truly worried. The memories of the first time they had met still afresh in his mind. Jungyeon smirked, for a second she looked like a replica of her brother, but the latter never looked this playfully fun before.

“If you are scared for me you should make a move soon.” Her teasing had become so normal Soonyoung became uncomfortable when she wasn’t teasing him.

Soonyoung smiled despite his discomfort towards the statement, she didn’t even take into consideration they weren’t alone.

“Is it okay to come here? I mean did you ask your parents?” Sana asked, trying her best to hide her distress. It was her first time here, probably.

Jungyeon laughed. “Ah don’t worry, they wouldn’t mind that. They are not here anyways.”

Soonyoung was looking around, there was a sunbathing chair with some cosmetics products. A big closed umbrella providing its shadow when asked for. And some snacks and other stuff that looked out of place, not that Jungyeon was the most ordered person.

“Jungyeon!” A voice called from inside the house, the door opened just as Soonyoung was turning, it wasn’t Jihoon and he knew it. Seungcheol almost bumped into him. Soonyoung smiled a timid smile, remembering the last time he had seen Seungcheol and he felt eternally ashamed.

“Morning.” Seungcheol said and moved past him to his sister. Soonyoung greeted him back awkwardly and stood still for a few seconds trying to come up with a good speech for an apology. He had to hurry because Seungcheol was leaving.

“Ah, Seungcheol-hyung.” He called, not quite done with formulating his strategy, but if he hadn’t called out for him he knew he would never be able to do so.

“It’s okay...” he said, a few beats later he turned around. “Really. It’s okay.”

“It was a moment of anger, I … look, I just…” Soonyoung failed for the second time, he felt something hotter affecting his face than just the heat of the day and it made him feel so stupid.

“Do me a favour and get in the house.” Seungcheol said as he turned, leaving at last.

At first, Soonyoung wasn’t sure what he meant. He knew (probably) Jihoon was in there, he just didn’t get the favour part. He tried capturing Jungyeon’s gaze but she was so engrossed with her friend and their soon-to-be sunbathing that she didn’t do as much as glance in his direction even once.

It still felt uncomfortable passing the threshold.

“Jihoon,” he called, feeling the name anew on his tongue, it felt nice, familiar, hopeful. A few rustling noises then a silhouette spread in front of him. The angle suggested Jihoon was at the stairwell, Soonyoung still hadn’t taken a step further from the threshold. He daren’t.

The silhouette started moving and Jihoon’s face showed up. He pressed his lips, something Soonyoung had recognized to be Jihoon’s way of greeting someone. Another fun fact was that he already knew that almost long ago. Almost.   
Soonyoung didn’t know how to explain to Jihoon how he couldn’t force his legs to move any step forward, chiefly because he failed at explaining that to himself. Whether Jihoon read the situation or he simply didn’t want to keep on standing there; he was now standing just a pace away from Soonyoung.

“Hey,” Soonyoung said with his warm smile. “Your sister seems to be having a lot of fun out there,” he didn’t know where he was getting at, but the house seemed much duller than outside. Or maybe it was his sister’s effect.

“I was planning on going out,” Jihoon mumbled, having the look of someone who wasn’t quite finished talking however had no intention of elaborating. But Soonyoung already knew how to work; he had to be the catalyst if this was ever going to work. And maybe for the first time in a while, he didn’t mind that.

“You trust me, right?” Soonyoung asked. Wrong question. But the realization was too late to dwell on it. And Jihoon was already giving him the suspicious look. Jihoon walked past him and got out, leaving Soonyoung staring at the place where he had been standing not a minute ago. Jihoon had always been so unconsciously disrespectful towards everyone including Soonyoung, but he sometimes forgot that it left Jihoon at some kind of disposition.

He got out coming hand-to-hand with a new scenery. Jihoon seemed out of his comfort zone, almost on edge. He was almost at his sister’s side; Soonyoung assumed he didn’t –yet- greet Sana. She and her brother were looking at him, the former with some kind of awe mingled with fear (?) and the latter simply baffled, a simple kid being introduced to some foreign body. The kid let go of his sister’s hand and slowly walked –if that way of swaying defined as walking- in their direction. Soonyoung wasn’t interested in Ren, not as much as he was interested in Jihoon’s facial expressions; they were intriguing. They ranged from discomfort to impassiveness, he was trying to get a hang of them, Jihoon’s facials, they were scarce and they were to be read carefully if shown. Jungyeon was trying to tease him as she joked with her friend, Jihoon still trying… Soonyoung didn’t even know what he was trying to do.

“Noona,” Ren said, his eyes inquisitive and he wasn’t addressing Sana. “He looks a lot like you.”

Soonyoung smiled, partly because of Ren, partly because of the two girls’ laughs but most importantly because of Jihoon’s expression as the kid tugged at his shirt. The scene was ridiculous. Jihoon, a fairly tall almost-seventeen year old boy who looked like someone who feared nothing, looking petrified at the sight of a six year old who was utterly harmless and definitely cute. Ridiculous was a better choice of words than hilarious. Soonyoung took a few strides till he was crouched next to Jihoon, smiling.

“Ren, would you like me to tell you a little secret?” Soonyoung was in high spirits. Ren nodded zealously. He was aware of Jihoon’s intense eyes on him, he was the only one trying not to look at him albeit the side-chatter of the two girls. “You’ve to promise me first that you won’t tell anyone, ‘kay?”

Ren puffed his chest, like a proud young man then said with a proud boyish smile, “I won’t. Hurry up and tell me.”

Soonyoung was leaning in, ready to whisper in his ears when Jungyeon was next to Jihoon, spinning her brother as if everyone were conspiring against him, he spared a look at Sana’s direction, she still had that awe-struck look as she watched the twins. He finally rose to his feet after telling the secret, smiling warmly and catching Ren’s childishly-exaggerated-shock with a finger to the kid’s mouth as the universal hush-sign. He started watching the fruit of his experiment, it should prove fun soon enough.

Ren slipped through the twins and stood in front of them, forcing Jihoon to take a step back as if an infected person were closing in on him, he did look disgusted enough. Soonyoung tried not to chuckle.

“Hyung said you are pretty!” Ren said loudly then put his hands on his mouth as if he had accidently told the secret and went running in the yard. Jungyeon was laughing, it was a good sound, it was always good to hear laughter.

“Hey,” Soonyoung –still trying not to laugh but a wide smile was just inescapable- tapped the silently-shrieking-Jihoon’s shoulder, he turned his head to Soonyoung’s direction at once, the cue to proceed, he composed his face then said, “Let’s hang out for a bit and leave them alone.” Having seen Jihoon’s expression he needed to add. “I bet this is not your forte, I’ll owe you one.” He was past not wanting to laugh and at the point where he needed to ban the colour of his cheek. Same problem, same person.

But what followed was astonishing, Jihoon smiled and nodded. Soonyoung missed a beat, eyes wide. Jihoon shook his head in behaviour-dismissal way and said, “You’ll be owing me, right? I’m cool.” He pressed his lips and started walking. Soonyoung followed suit.

 

“You are not good with kids, are you?” Soonyoung asked as they walked, trying not to sound awkward despite feeling so.

Jihoon shook his head. “I’m hardly good with anything, Soonyoung.” There was a fleeting smile tagging along. Soonyoung felt a subtle elation and at that he managed his own smile. It was a slow progress, but then again, it was there and for the time being it was more than perfect.

Soonyoung was stealing glances side-ways, still the wishfully dry smile lingered on Jihoon’s face, Soonyoung was sure something was to follow, he just couldn’t tell what, and it amused him nonetheless.

“I’m curious,” Jihoon said unsmilingly. “You don’t look like the most sociable guy either,”

Soonyoung had plenty of things going through his mind, some scenarios he expected others he knew would come but hoped they wouldn’t. He was still trying to awaken himself from the allure of being in Jihoon’s company. But what baffled Soonyoung most and elongated his trance was that he was clueless to how Jihoon was capable of phrasing the sentence.

“I’m not planning on asking why you bothered with me, it stumbles on my pride. And I’m sure you have your reasons…” by simply watching how Jihoon’s eyes darted from Soonyoung’s face to both sides, Soonyoung could tell the speech wasn’t deliberate for Jihoon looked like someone debating himself, trying to cut to the chase but something was getting in the way.

He sighed and rolled his eyes then said, “Don’t expect much… that’s about it.”

They never stopped walking, but now Soonyoung did. He bit his lips once, touched his lips with his thumb then tilted his head and said, “Tell me, what kind of reasons you think I have?” it took a fair share of courage to voice that.

“A reason strong enough someone like you suppressed the urge to show such an off-base feeling like sympathy.” He countered.

A smile. “Someone like me, Jihoon?” Soonyoung felt he was starting to tease Jihoon. He lifted an eyebrow and Jihoon smirked.

“You seemed quite informed about me, I, in turn, ought to have some kind of knick-knack about you, Soonyoung.” He started walking, the cue for Soonyoung to move as well.

“Fair enough. It would also be fair enough if you ever finished a sentence instead of leaving it to my interpretations.”

Jihoon laughed, it was loud, Soonyoung always pictured a scene where bells chimed forcing the birds to disperse and chirp as they sought refuge or were set free to the sky on hearing that uplifting sound. He wondered why that was the picture he thought of when it came down to Jihoon’s laugh.

Jihoon shook his head looking at the ground, the same wistful smile. He looked up and tilted his head, his face devoid of any joy of laughter or any familiarity. But it was softer than usual.

Soonyoung was anticipant, but Jihoon looked at the sky, turned and started walking again.

“Say it!” Soonyoung said with the fast-paced-beating heart of someone awaiting a confession. Jihoon stopped short. Soonyoung could feel the heat of his heart slipping everywhere in his body after it was transformed to words. He didn’t know what should have been said, but it looked like something Jihoon was avoiding. He wished he knew Jihoon better, he wished he could read his silence, he wished he could read his expressions and body language as easily as he read anyone else’s.

Jihoon turned and blinked once. He didn’t smile, he looked impassively smug. “When I was younger, I used to have no regrets, there was that certain lie I told myself.” He paused and gestured with his head for Soonyoung to walk.

_Lightening the darkening atmosphere._

They walked side to side, slow pace. But Jihoon hadn’t uttered a word yet.

“It’s safe to assume you are not elaborating on the lie part.” Soonyoung hated how he always had to pry everything out of Jihoon. As if Jihoon were always ruling out things he thought were needless, everything ended up being ruled out, or at least that was how it seemed to Soonyoung.

“True that.” Jihoon said, following the stopping bus with his eyes. “I don’t feel like walking let’s take the bus to the diner.”

They got on the bus, they sat in the last seat next to each other, Jihoon next to window, Soonyoung to his right. His mind was going back and forth, looking for a way to shape his words, it was almost ironic how he seemed to lose all words in _his_ presence. Jeonghan always called him ‘poetically linguistic’. He smiled at the thought but it was soon washed away by the reality of the situation.

“The deal is,” it was Jihoon who spoke, still looking out of the window.

_A chance._

He snapped his finger, Jihoon turned to look at him, confused but he looked interested as far as the word could define with Jihoon.

“I’ve a proposition to make, it’s only fair.” It was almost ridiculous how often he used the word fair with Jihoon.

“Hmm.”

Soonyoung hated the _hmm’s_ , they were so vague, as if he needed more fog around him.

“I won’t press you for anything, contradictory to what you might think I’m not that talkative.”

“You are private, I could see that.” He said, blank-point. Soonyoung wasn’t sure whether to be happy Jihoon knew something about him or be happier about the fact Jihoon seldom noticed he was often saying creepy things. Maybe he should be worried about him being happy at people being creepy.

“Yes. I’ll respect your silence, I know you would always respect mine.” Soonyoung had to pause because there was the same bitter smile –he wasn’t even sure why he labeled it as one, it was nowhere close to a smile, just a corner tugging upward. Maybe because it was beautiful. He stopped talking because he hadn’t the ghost of a notion why Jihoon used that kind of smiles. He brushed it off then proceeded, after clearing his throat. “But you promise me you won’t shut me out either.”

His heart gave one long loud thump, or maybe it was Soonyoung’s impression, and his ears started to get hotter.

“Hmm.”

He felt like screaming.

Jihoon sighed, closing his eyes for a beat. “Whoever gets bored first, leaves. No hard feelings, no judgments made, nothing.”

Soonyoung had to stifle his smile albeit his discomfort not a second ago. That was jarringly bluntly said. He felt his own smirk on his own face.

“That’s just, umm…” loss of words. “What was your so called deal?” he changed the subject instantly, having a sinking feeling in his gut that it could never be directed somewhere else.

“That was the deal.” Jihoon said with an expression of indicting stupidity.

And now Soonyoung realized the reason behind the sinking feeling and his very own smirk. They had been singing from the same sheet all along. He could feel Jihoon’s eyes on him.

“Different perspectives.” Jihoon said, as if to solidify Soonyoung’s thoughts.

“Why would friends need a deal to begin with?” He asked, pressing the request-stop, they were almost there. They got up and walked to the door, Jihoon’s hands in his pockets.

“Weren’t you game for a deal not a minute ago?” Jihoon asked the not-really-a-question.

He felt stupid. He took the chance at a wrong timing. It wasn’t a deal.

“It was a proposal.” He said defensively.

“One and the same. Mere names.” He shrugged, getting off the bus and looking Soonyoung in the eye from the street.

He paused for a second, not getting out yet, someone hurried him. And with that he was next to Jihoon once again.

“Are you implicating an imaginary boundary?” Soonyoung asked, usually he would ask that kind of question with a hand on the other’s shoulder or pressing the other’s hand. But any physical contact with Jihoon seemed like the most moronic thought ever.

“Is that how you read it?”

He was about to answer.

“You must be really stupid, Soonyoung.” He shook his head and entered the diner.

 

Soonyoung decided to let it be and call it a day. He didn’t like rushing things, besides, he had faith.

“I told you, Jihoon, I’m here to stay.” He said with a smile after a while of idle talk. He was glad to have one of those idle talks with Jihoon. And that was a first, idle talks never seemed to interest him.

“Then I’ll dedicate my life to make you leave.” Jihoon said. With a different expression it would have been a joke, however Soonyoung smiled.

“I’ll make it a lifetime goal not to leave, I’m pretty obstinate.”

Jihoon laughed.

_Should I get lost in that sound, everything would be better …_

“Well then I’ll work harder to make you regret your decision.” He said with a smirk.

Guess that was how Jihoon joked. Soonyoung got up from his seat and stood next to Jihoon’s seat, he put his hands on his shoulder, ignoring the slight wince, he looked him in the eye. It was an impulse.

“You really have a nice smile and your laugh sounds amazing. Use them more often.”

Is it possible to react to your own words? Soonyoung had taken stupidity to a whole new level. He could see the effect of his words on Jihoon’s widening eyes, he could see his own reflection in his dark eyes, he could feel the flame of the heat of his face. A silly thought occurred to him, had he been a genius he would prove Einstein wrong and travel back in time to take back his words. Actually if he were only a bit smarter and not a genius he wouldn’t have been in that situation in the first place.

But sometimes impulsive decisions didn’t slap you in the face. Jihoon was laughing so hard people turned to stare. Soonyoung turned and smiled at them embarrassed as he touched the nape his neck, basically clenching to it in shame. They soon looked away as Jihoon’s laughter lowered in volume, relatively speaking. He took his seat and decided to focus on the bright side, Jihoon was laughing and Soonyoung was admiring the sounds his ears were hearing. It felt like that day in the park when Jihoon smiled genuinely for the first time. And everything so far felt like a lie to Soonyoung, and this was his only reality. He smiled compassionately and Jihoon caught that as he let out his last laugh. He looked at his plate and smiled.

“I bet you regret that now.”

“I just vowed to never regret anything, didn’t I?” Soonyoung said smiling and went back to his food.

“You did?” Jihoon _teased._

“Read between the lines.” _Idiot._ He was starting to feel a friendship blossoming.

 

In the diner, Jihoon had smiled three times. One of them was as genuine as back then when he laughed twice. And on their way home they both laughed together. Soonyoung was slowly getting to know him. The five hours they spent together since they were in the house wasn’t in vain, Soonyoung had learnt a lot. His faith grew stronger.

Soonyoung for a while felt like all the wrong in the world was gone, and only that remained. Or if there were any wrong, this was the wrong, and it felt righteous enough for him.

It wasn’t until they reached the street where they lived till reality dawned on him again.

“This is where we part?” Soonyoung said, hiding his sadness.

“School is in five days, cheer up.” Jihoon’s sarcasm was blatant.

He smiled. Something glistened in the sky, Soonyoung lifted his head to get a look but it was too late. And the light was soon gone. Jihoon soon followed his gaze.

“You are always looking at the sky.” Jihoon said. Soonyoung smelt an unspoken question.

“It’s because you are always looking at the sky.” He laughed awkwardly in a hushed voice, he quickly realized what he had just said then added, “I must have caught it form you.”

Jihoon pressed his lips and turned away. Soonyoung had no stomach for watching that. He spun around as well, throwing one last glance over his shoulder.

“It’s lonely.” He heard. He spun quickly, Jihoon shrugged and slid the door shut.

_If only you would ever explain anything._

 

 

****

****

****

Jungyeon was too excited for a school day, it was too early and Jihoon was having a hard time focusing as it was, he needn’t that peachiness of Jungyeon. Their mom was still asleep, their father had gone away on a business trip (third day and counting) and Seungcheol was in the kitchen making breakfast.

His vision wasn’t clear and his head felt wobbly.

“Hyung, what time is it?” Jihoon asked ignoring Jungyeon’s chatter. She was babbling and it was just too early.

“Time you start greeting us properly.” He replied.

Jihoon grimaced. Seungcheol left the pan on the table and passed by Jihoon, ruffling his head. “I just missed teasing you, little brother. Have you seen my bag?”

“I’ve left it next to the T.V.,” Jungyeon was the one to answer.

Jihoon disconnected, not feeling like hearing the brotherly banter in the morning. It was the first day of school, here was to waking up early. He felt unnecessarily drained. Maybe his little social interaction was slowly emptying him, he felt like he needed to get away, to refill.

His head was no less wobbly on the inside, it felt like it were literally water and not simply its brain structure. The void. Replaying the entire summer in his head, the last two weeks had more humanly interaction than he had in the whole school year.

_Stupid Soonyoung._

“I’ve a surprise for you,” Jungyeon called from the front yard. He was done tying his shoe-laces so he exited, having zero interest in Jungyeon’s surprise. He loved his sister, but sometimes he wished he could shove a sock down her throat to shut her up. But she was happy, that was good.

She was clutching to Soonyoung’s arm who was –naturally- smiling.

“Yo!” Soonyoung greeted him.

He should have figured. It was the most obvious thing. Jungyeon had been excited because she was in high-school now -after transferring- the same one Jihoon went to. Same one Soonyoung went to; their neighbour and Jungyeon’s friend.

He rubbed his eyes and walked past them, ignoring the loud complaints. Soon the three were walking next to each other, Jungyeon would occasionally jump in front of them and walk backwards. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad for Jungyeon to be doing all the talking, it was inevitable to go to school with Soonyoung, so having Jungyeon there saved him from having to open his mouth. He didn’t say much during the whole journey; Jungyeon was dragging him, she was walking between Soonyoung and himself, clutching to an arm of each. Laughs weren’t such a bad start for a day.

She said goodbye at the gate and went to meet up with a girl she knew.

 

“She’s so chattery.” Soonyoung said, sighing a sigh of relief.

Jihoon smiled, it felt like Soonyoung was mirroring his feelings.

“And it’s too early, right.”

Yup, definitely mirroring them.

They walked to the billboard. Arguing about a teacher, Jihoon grew to realize holding an intellectual conversation with Soonyoung was more than possible. That gave him a great boost.

“…that’s the irony in the matter!!” Jihoon argued with a finality. He did have a point too.

Soonyoung smiled. He always smiled, he had different kind of smiles, this smile looked normal but it felt kinda shy, and Jihoon dreaded it most, metaphorically speaking.

He nudged him with his elbow at last. “You know what else is ironic?”

“Mhhm?” Jihoon was busy with an eyelash that had fallen on his cheek, instead of successfully removing it, it got into his eyes. He winced and almost hit his face with his hand as a reflex. Soonyoung caught his hand before it reached his face and smiled. Jihoon’s hand went to his side and looked at Soonyoung with one closed eye and titled his head.

Soonyoung smiled at that. He pointed to right beneath his eyes. Jihoon shrugged. Soonyoung took Jihoon’s hand and lifted it to his face.

“There.” He said, still smiling, almost laughing.

Jihoon’s finger was touching his eye-bag, he could still feel the contrast between his cold hand and Soonyoung’s warmer one on top of his.

“You can open your eyes now, I still have to draw a comparison.” Soonyoung said writing the word irony in the air with his finger.

“Is that so?” Jihoon said, turning around and closing the last paces to the board, some people were looking at him, none of the faces rang any bells. Not that he would have stopped and chattered either way.

“Yes.” Soonyoung said, excusing himself for bumping into someone. “From your backs, you and Yoojung can’t be distinguished.”

“We are identical twins, Soonyoung.” Jihoon said, skimming through the lists, looking for his name, wondering why after summer vacation even though it was the same school year, one had to change classes. He felt the light impact of Soonyoung hitting his shoulder as he made his way at last to the board. Being later than usual on the first day of school gave you the leverage of a lesser crowd at the boards.

“That’s not my point, even your hairs are the same length, Yoojung could be secretly using your wardrobe.” He chuckled at that, it amused Jihoon too. “What I meant is if you were more easy-going, your features would be the same, you two would never be distinguishable. But you are, erm,” Soonyoung bit his lips, stealing a side-glance at Jihoon. The latter was already looking at him, lifting an eyebrow in some triumphant expression.

“I am…?” he asked then looked behind Soonyoung.

Another face he would have preferred never to see again showed up. He looked away at once and turned around.

The natural course of progressing would be that, of course, Soonyoung would look behind Jihoon to see what made Jihoon leave, then he would be at his side a few seconds later, he might or might not press the subject later. But he heard something that made him turn.

“Seokmin.” Soonyoung said. His voice was hard. It was the first time Jihoon had heard it like that, it always sounded affable, just like Soonyoung had been in the summer.

“Lee, you are stuck with me this year.” Seokmin said, ignoring Soonyoung who was standing between the half-turned Jihoon and the snobby Seokmin.

He added something when Jihoon finally turned wholly and it wasn’t for Seokmin that he turned, it was for Soonyoung.

Jihoon hit Soonyoung’s forearm lightly to grab his attention, but Soonyoung didn’t turn, he was smiling, despite his smaller stature compared to Seokmin he wore that expression of those cocky jocks who thought they owned the world, an expression Junhui and his gang always wore. They always moved in packs, like predators circling around, eager to pounce on anyone. He usually would have left or ushered Soonyoung (the latter was questionable because having a friend on school ground was a new thing to him), but the last minute, Soonyoung looked like a stranger, someone Jihoon hadn’t been introduced to.

It stirred a lot of question marks.

“Good thing,” Soonyoung began with a smug smile, “Because you guys are also stuck with _us_.” He pointed at himself then at Jihoon. Jihoon who had no clue why he would say that

Two seconds and it hit him. _The list._

Three seconds and it provoked a question. _Why would that matter?_

Ten seconds and he understood. Seokmin’s expression was no longer cocky, he looked humbled as he glared at Soonyoung, then he left without any further word.

 

“I’m not someone who dislikes many guys, but this guy ticks me off.” Soonyoung emphasized as they walked together to class.

Jihoon didn’t have to ask, Soonyoung never left things hanging in the air, unlike himself. But he stopped and put a hand on Jihoon’s shoulder, looking him in the eye, as if struggling to say something. Jihoon started to get used to that shoulder thingie, Soonyoung needed that kind of contact during his speech, Jihoon was trying to understand that. And both, understanding and getting used to it were giving him a hard time. But, that, he was willing to tolerate.

Jihoon smiled and looked away, he knew the struggle. “You don’t have to explain.”

He heard Soonyoung sigh as he let his head hang down in relief. “I’m sorry.” He said too ruefully for something so trifle.

_Stupid._

They eye-locked for three beats before Jihoon broke away at the sound of a familiar voice. A friend he knew and didn’t dislike.

“Lee, is that really you?” he asked slamming his shoulder playfully. Jihoon could swear he heard something, that wasn’t Soonyoung’s hand which only parted with his shoulder in spite of the slam, crack.

“Ahh, hey.” He said, trying to smile.

“I had to second guess myself because I thought I had seen you smile. Morning, Soonyoung.” He justified.

“Mingyu, morning.” Soonyoung said with a polite smile, saving Jihoon the reply. “So he really doesn’t smile much.” He added conversationally. Both of them were now looking at Jihoon as if he were a freak show. Well, if this were a circus, which was the reality of the school, then it was okay for Jihoon to be the freak show; he had earned it.

“You should be proud, Soonyoung, I’ve never seen him smile but you… you witnessed it firsthand.” He said and gave Soonyoung a playful slam on the chest then left. Jihoon felt like laughing at the sight of Soonyoung trying to gasp for air without expressing pain. He muttered a _good to see you_ then bent down to his knees.

“Your fault for being so slim.” Jihoon said and headed for a class that read 3-B.

“I’ve skipped a few meals, remind me never to skip them again.” Was the last thing Jihoon heard before he was searching for an empty seat in the back.

He found one near the window, it was close to the one Junhui had but he pretended not to notice.

_Happy new semester, self._

Seokmin was the one to his right.

Soonyoung took a seat two desks ahead of Jihoon after greeting a few guys in the class. He hoped Soonyoung wouldn’t talk to him, talking to him right now meant giving up his earphones meaning putting away his peace of mind and defense from Junhui’s bullshit. Thankfully, Soonyoung understood that much and got engaged in a conversation with one of his former class-mates. Jihoon didn’t see Momo or Jisoo anywhere. He felt down, it meant having to deal with new class-presidents, having to deal with new people, more people. It was only the first day of school and he felt this suffocated.

_Just where do I seek comfort?_

Two hands slammed on his desk, he wasn’t startled, if anything he was pissed off. He looked up to see Junhui. Without removing his earphones he said. “I’m not missing any of the practices.” He could have simply quitted but it gave Junhui the satisfaction and that he refused. He was saying something but the new homeroom teacher entered and Junhui had to go back to his seat, he wasn’t too happy about it.

 

Unplugging his earphones, Jihoon braced himself for a nice semester.

 

****

****

****

****

Soonyoung was looking at his cell-phone with a moronic smile. It was dinner time, he was playing with the fork with one hand and admiring the content of his phone with the other from beneath the table.

Jeonghan had to clear his throat three times before Soonyoung realized there were six more people with him.

“It would be gracious of you if you would leave your phone while we are eating, Soonyoung.” His brother whispered from the seat next to him. They had guests.

He lifted his eyes, so far the guests were engaged in a conversation with his father or small ones with each other, Jeonghan himself was just chatting with one of them. They were his father’s subordinates. Soonyoung was bored out of his skull and he wanted to get away.

“It’s not like any of them had noticed, much less talked to me.” He whispered back.

“You can flirt all you want later, just behave, you’ve always been suave, what happened?” Jeonghan was firm. Soonyoung wanted to plead. “Text her later.” It was his ultimatum probably.

But it wasn’t _her_ ; it was _him._ So close, big brother.

Soonyoung texted Jihoon back quickly, emphasizing how bored he was and how he had to go for the time being. He was unwillingly typing the letters, he loved talking to him, and Jihoon didn’t always feel like talking, it wasn’t something you easily let pass.

 

“You’ve such nice kids, Kwon-sshi.” The guy who had hardly touched his drink said. Soonyoung had to force a smile, large numbers of people suffocated him. And that sum was big enough for him; not to say he knew none of them.

“You must be really proud of them.” Another said.

_…_

_That_ specifically was debatable.

The doorbell rang. “Excuse me, I’ll get that.” Soonyoung said and went to the door, hoping the gods loved him enough to give him a big break. He could feel Jeonghan’s eyes on his back, it scared him when he got like that.

And soon his door to salvation was being opened by his very own hands.

“Tell them you’ve a project to finish.” Jihoon said without a greeting. He was fully dressed. His hands in his pockets. Naturally.

“It’s the second week of school, Jihoon.” Soonyoung argued, getting out and leaving the door ajar.

“Just tell them, no one would care anyways.” He repeated.

“How come you're here?” Soonyoung asked, he knew arguing with Jihoon was futile.

Jihoon smirked, a soon to be smile kind of smirks. “We have a project to finish.” He lifted up a bag that Soonyoung had just noticed in that dark night.

Soonyoung smiled and nodded. “Hyung wouldn’t like that.”

“Ahh, he’s probably getting a call right now.” Jihoon scratched his ear and threw a glance in his house’s direction.

Soonyoung opened his mouth to ask then opened the door a bit to get a look at the table. Jeonghan wasn’t there.

“Erm … Jihoon sometimes your psychic powers creep me out.”

“I’m not psychic, humans are just too predictable. I’d get my bag if I were you. You have three minutes or I’m leaving.” Jihoon said and he walked towards the fence, leaned on it as he crossed his arms. And like that he was unreachable, his mind was with the stars.

Soonyoung went back in, trying to come up with a smooth way to getting out.

“Soonyoung, what was that?” The female said.

Albeit the question was rude, that was his ticket out of the house.

He faked a compassionate expression. “It was my friend, he’s having some trouble.”

She looked sympathetic enough. Jeonghan was glaring as he rested his head on the back of his laced hands.

“Your friend?” Jeonghan said flatly.

“Ahh, we have this paper due tomorrow, it was something we both worked on and he can’t finish on his own.” Soonyoung shook his head.

“You can go, you don’t have to mind us.” The guy in the dark suit said.

_Bless your soul you heavenly being._

He waited a bit, as if the decision hadn’t already been made.

“Kwon-sshi, won’t you excuse your son?”

“You’ve your phone, Soonyoung?” his father asked.

“I think he needs more than just his phone.” Jeonghan said, still so fearfully flat.

His father shot him a look just as the guests laughed. He ignored that and nodded.

“Okay, I’ll go get my bag and I’ll be off.” He bowed then seconds later he was jumping the stairs, two at a time, hurrying to get his bag.

Jeonghan was leaning on the door, good thing they weren’t to be seen from the room the guests were in.

“Soonyoung, I thought I asked you to stay away.” He said, catching Soonyoung by the hand, he didn’t sound hateful or anything, he was the Jeonghan Soonyoung knew and loved; his older brother.

Soonyoung pressed his lips, almost gave an indifferent shrug.

“Soonyoung, this is trouble, think before you act.” His grasp got tighter. “His sister is one thing, but him? He’s another. For once in your life trust me enough to take my advice.”

Soonyoung hadn’t the time to listen to that.

“I can take care of myself. Later.” He tried to free his hand, but Jeonghan didn’t budge.

“You are going to get hurt.” He said, emphasizing each word, he wasn’t looking him in the eyes either, Soonyoung questioned whom his brother was addressing.

“Can we do this later?” Soonyoung was still trying to be nice, he loved his brother dearly after all.

“You are making a mistake.” His voice got louder. Soonyoung could swear they were heard.

“Please.” He pleaded with a softer tone. Soonyoung didn’t know what the hell was wrong with him, he was only hanging out with the guy and Jeonghan was already getting that worked up. Why was he so against them? His rage was building up and he was exploring the line between snapping and not snapping. For a second he lost it and got into the red half.

“Once you stay away from Seungcheol-hyung, I’ll stay away from Jihoon.” He shook his hand free and left. And just like that he was soon out, trying to shake the image of Jeonghan's face off as he closed the door behind him.

 

“You are four minutes late.” Jihoon said without checking his watch or looking up.

Soonyoung threw an arm around Jihoon’s neck and he ushered him to walk. “Not tonight, Jihoon.” He said. And for once he was glad Jihoon wasn’t the type to ask too many questions.

They went to the woods, neither saying a word, not till they had settled for a spot.

“Where’s your telescope?” Soonyoung asked when Jihoon lied on the ground using his bag as a pillow.

“I left it in the house.” He replied.

_In the house._ Soonyoung’s chest contracted at the word.

“Then why are we here?” _why am I here._

“Because you are the only one who respects my privacy.” Jihoon said, as bluntly as ever and turned to his side, not facing Soonyoung. Soonyoung grimaced and walked till he was standing in front of Jihoon. He crouched to his knees, his hands on the ground supporting his weight.

“You are not going back home tonight?” he asked.

Jihoon didn’t reply. His loudest answer.

Soonyoung grunted, put his bag behind his head and lied next to Jihoon.

After a while, Jihoon spoke. “You can leave anytime you want.”

Soonyoung wasn’t sure exactly what was being referred to. “You’ve said that millions of times already.” Was his only reply. “I’m not leaving you alone. I, too, wanted to get away, remember?”

The grass rustled and he felt Jihoon’s breath next to his ear. He turned his head to the side, looking at Jihoon.

“The guests aren’t there for long, they should leave at some point.” Jihoon said, he had some kind of fierceness in his eyes despite how dark it was or how dark his eyes were.

“Neither is the loneliness.” He muttered inaudibly. He wasn’t confident if he ever wanted Jihoon to hear those lines. Jihoon narrowed his eyes. Whether he heard that or not would never be known. “Never mind that, we are here, I’m not leaving you alone, better make use of that.” And he turned his head again, looking at the moon.

“It’s pretty, isn’t it?” Soonyoung said dreamily, already feeling enamoured by the moon. Jihoon sneered. That made Soonyoung turn to him. “What?” he skeptically asked Jihoon.

“It’s just ironic.” He shrugged and made a rectangle with his hands, from which he looked at the moon.

“The moon?” it was way over Soonyoung’s head.

“Uh-uh. _Beauty’s_ greatest ironies is that what people use as a symbol of divine beauty is nothing but one of the emptiest and ugliest things known to humans.”

“Just because it’s chunk of rock, it doesn’t mean it is ugly.” Soonyoung argued, he seemed to be taking the comment personally.

Jihoon gave him one of his acknowledging looks. He always gave him that look when he was impressed, when they talked about something that interested Jihoon.

“That’s not it.” Jihoon said, the wishful look took over him for a second then it was overpowered by a stronger expression, probably as hard as the moon. “Whenever I look at the moon, it’s not enchantment that fills me, rather void it’s. Void and only void and more void.”

That comment had its own effects. It felt like it was accompanied with a startling sound and only Jihoon’s image was all that lingered in Soonyoung’s memory. All he could see. He always had those cinematic effects about Jihoon. As if he were some kind of a moving mass of tragic drama, so tragic and yet so beautiful.

Thinking about how people could differ so much yet be so similar, Soonyoung gave himself away to sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

“So you are not going back with us today?” Jihoon asked his sister, he was skipping class and somehow –not to his surprise- she wasn’t at class either.

She shook her head. “He comes back tomorrow, I’m trying to make the best of it, Woozi.”

She needn’t darken Jihoon’s mood more, he needn’t remember _he_ returned tomorrow. “I thought we agreed, Jungyeon, if you ever needed anything, you should ask me. I told you, Hyung and I are more than capable of managing things.” He said, tilting his head a bit to have direct eye contact, she didn’t look him in the eye nonetheless.

“It’s okay, really.” She said. “I’ve to go now.”

He was going to say something but he saw Seokmin turning the corner, a few paces away and he had seen Jihoon. He was more than capable of handling Seokmin and Junhui, if anything he usually tried to avoid trouble, avoid standing out, something he seemed to be doing no matter what. Sometimes it made him wonder if he were an alien or some kind of celestial being for all this wonder.

“I’ve to go too.” He said and turned away at once. Walking real slowly to class. He didn’t stop until he heard a loud ‘fuck off’. He broke into a run all the way back to where he was not a minute ago. He found Seokmin doubling over in pain and Jungyeon had already walked away.

Seokmin looked at him with one opened eye and tried to smirk. It took everything in Jihoon to turn around and walk away, to overlook the situation and not let his rage take over.

_She is a red line._

 

Jihoon clicked his tongue for the third time. He still had the ball in his hand. It was always a preference to avoid gym class, but that day they were one short on the team and he needed the grades, he couldn’t afford losing grades in the beginning of the semester. The teacher was gone, called on by another teacher. They were playing volleyball and it was the third time the ball had hit Soonyoung.

Jihoon looked meaningfully at Soonyoung, but the latter only shook his head and shaped a never mind with his mouth. Normally he wouldn’t have bothered, but Seokmin was really pushing his luck today, as if he were itching for trouble. If trouble was what he wanted, Jihoon would gladly grant a wish so badly wished for. Soonyoung gave him an encouraging slam on the back as he moved to the rear, his classmate gave him the okay.

It was his turn to serve. He knew exactly where to serve. Three steps back and his hand swung making the ball fly in the air. It hit Seokmin’s shoulder, who was also in the rear. It was an ace nonetheless.

“That hurt, jerk.” Seokmin shouted from the other side of the net. Even Jihoon’s teammates looked at him, he didn’t want to look at Soonyoung though.

“My hand slipped.” He said with an impassive face, no apology being tagged. Seokmin was about to say something else but Junhui stopped him.

His second serve. He didn’t care about the score, they were losing but he was adamant on making Seokmin lose something in turn. He smirked then served.

His nose.

Seokmin’s nose started bleeding, he didn’t cry in pain, he only let one loud curse and his teammates were soon surrounding him. Jihoon’s class president, Wonwoo, was also playing in his team.

Wonwoo walked to him and said, “On a scale of one to ten how deliberate was that?” he didn’t seem too happy about it, albeit he himself truly disliked Seokmin and the way he acted, yet he couldn’t be happy about an injury. There was still a buzz about it.

Before Jihoon could answer, someone was tapping his shoulder. He spun around, taking a side step, his guts informing him there was a punch to come which he had dodged.

“Eleven, probably.” Seokmin shouted after he regained his balance, seemingly he put enough hate in that one punch Jihoon dodged. His mouth was red with blood. “You jerk, that was on purpose.”

“Stop it!” both the class prez and Soonyoung –who was now next to Jihoon- said.

Jihoon was grabbed by the shirt, Seokmin was glaring. “Would you punch me the same way you punched your father that day?” he said.

Seokmin was one of the uniforms _that_ day. But this was a lie.

A crowd.

Soonyoung gave Jihoon a quick glance, he looked perplexed.

“Whoa there, don’t go around blurting nonsense, Seokmin.” Soonyoung said quickly, jerking his hand off Jihoon’s T-shirt.

“Stop it right now, or I’m calling for Seonsangnim.” Wonwoo said. Everything by now had died in the gym.

“Stay out of it, Soonyoung!” Junhui said. Soonyoung looked at him sharply. Jihoon was once again seeing a new side. A vicious side he would have never believed Soonyoung had.

“Back off and call it a day, Junhui.” Soonyoung hissed.

“Let’s go.” Jihoon pressed Soonyoung’s hand twice and turned around. “They are not worth it.”

“You should make sure never to cross me, sucker. I heard your sister was whoring herself out, did you know that?” Junhui would never pipe down.

“That’s it. I’m calling Seonsangnim.” It was the class prez. “Disperse.” He shouted and made his way to the door through the crowd.

Jihoon’s senses grew alert at that. His first impulse was to give Junhui a kick that would make him incapable of ever standing straight again. After he analyzed the consequence he decided it was best to proceed walking but he didn’t care about what was best.

He turned around and said. “Don’t mention her with that filthy mouth of yours.” His voice was terrifyingly calm. By the time he finished his sentence he had been standing head on with Junhui. His sister was a red-line. His hand started shaking, Jihoon felt scared, fearing something he might do.

“Is that so?” It was Seokmin who spoke. “Did I mention fucking your sister?”

It took him about two seconds before he decided to remodel Seokmin’s face, but Soonyoung was already speaking.

“You know what,” Soonyoung said. Jihoon turned to look at him, his face was smiling although his hand was a fist. “Fuck you!” he said those two words with so much emotions, just as strong as hate and his hand dived into Seokmin’s face, it was hard enough to make him take a few steps back only to fall down eventually.

Jihoon’s mouth was agape in astonishment, he wanted to laugh so badly. Never in his life had he seen Soonyoung angry, or heard him curse or witnessed his fury. This was a first and it made him want to laugh. Soonyoung cracked his knuckles and moved to the door, meeting up with Jihoon. Showered with cusses and curses. Jihoon knew no one would hate Soonyoung for that, _the gang_ crossed a line and the whole school already hated them, Soonyoung only punched the bad guy. Full stop.

He threw his hands around Jihoon’s shoulder and kicked the door open. “That felt so _good_.”

Jihoon was done trying to suppress his laughter, he was laughing full volume and he fell on his butt on the stairs leading to the gym. Jihoon felt Soonyoung’s amused gaze on him. And Seonsangnim was entering the gym along with the class president who gave them a quick disapproving look.

“I’ve been itching to do that since last semester, you don’t understand how good that punch felt.” he emphasized each word with a happiness that went on par with that of an adopted orphan.

“Was it worth the beating up you are gonna get for?” Jihoon teased, still grinning. He liked that side of Soonyoung, the no longer pacifist, the guy who could go from affable to dangerous with a flip of a switch.

“Ohoho, totally worth it, even suspension.” Soonyoung said with conviction. There were objections coming from the inside. Seonsangnim’s voice came loud, thundering, he was kind of scary.

“We are taking the blame equally, brace yourself.”

“Not a chance, siscon.”

“Twincest.” Jihoon corrected, smiling. “Nah, we are going down together. Or now you enjoy taking a break alone?”

Soonyoung grinned and sat next to him, sighing and hanging his head down.

“Why did you do that tho?” Jihoon asked, looking at Soonyoung from the corner of his eye.

“Do I need a reason?” he said in a low voice. Jihoon nodded. Soonyoung interpreted that as a yes and not the understanding nod it was. “One day you’ll know. That I can promise.”

_I know you’ll always respect mine._

Jihoon was replaying that day Soonyoung used that phrase. It wouldn’t give him his peace of mind.

_Always._

_  
_

****

****

****

****

“It’s all your fault.” Seokmin said.

Soonyoung grunted. They were cleaning the school. That was their penalty; the four of them. As they could use the time to ‘reflect and make up’. Soonyoung had successfully added a new definition to the word stupidity. People believing there was so much good in the world, that is.

_Stupid principal._

He had no regrets, he was spending time with Jihoon after all.

They were cleaning the toilets, their penalty went for two weeks. The first was the hardest. All they did was banter and cause more word fights, they got down to physical twice too. Things became cooler after a while, he would still hear the ‘it’s all your fault’ on a daily basis nonetheless. It was the only thing consistent about Seokmin. Even Junhui got bored after a while. Having received a good punch from Jihoon himself. Jihoon wasn’t unscathed; his mouth bled badly that day, it had all happened before either Seokmin or Soonyoung noticed. The second time it was between both Seokmin and Junhui, for the former started blaming his ‘friend’ for his big mouth. Both Soonyoung and Jihoon stood by and watched them fight. Other than that one can say their days had been peaceful.

But that wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was having to explain to Jeonghan why he had been coming back home late for the past week. And he wasn’t happy about the news to say the least. He didn’t even have to mention Jihoon’s name, Jeonghan had done his own assumptions by the point Soonyoung said he had punched a guy and for that he was cleaning after school.

“But you really fooled me there, Hoshi.” Junhui said, he didn’t feel like the same person, he seemed tired. Maybe that penalty was paying off after all.

Being mean was something out of character for Soonyoung, hence he didn’t see the point in being mean to someone who looked so … disciplined.

“Huh?” he asked.

He could swear he saw Jihoon’s eyes being raised to him for a second, so he really wasn’t playing on anything. Soonyoung had been dying to prove the earphones were usually for show. But whenever he thought he were close to proving so he would find something being played on and he would feel like an idiot.

Junhui rested his head on top of the hand of the mop. “Yes. I thought you were a really amiable guy who wouldn’t hurt an insect.”

Soonyoung weighed being sarcastic and found it wasn’t worth it.

“It was a dick move so maybe I shouldn’t blame you.” He said, sighing. “You always seem so nice, even now.”

Seokmin was the first one to speak his astonishment. “Who are you?” He said with a shocked disgusted expression.

Junhui shrugged and got back to mopping.

“Well, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.” Soonyoung said, moving towards Junhui and extending his hand. He only eyed it, he looked away without shaking it. Maybe Soonyoung was pushing his luck too far. Whatever.

“Peace loving fool.” Junhui muttered under his breath.

 

By the time they were done, it was closing to 8 P.M., it was their last day and the Principal decided to make best of it, which he did by making them stay for extra hours. The four of them were leaving, they even took the same route till the point that would separate their paths.

They passed a lot of dark alleys; some people were too creepy, even for a group of guys.

“Maybe if you were manlier this wouldn’t have happened.” Seokmin kicked Jihoon’s butt. Jihoon decided to turn the other cheek, Seokmin always loved to fight, it gave him some satisfaction, that masochist. He said something else then kicked him again. Soonyoung felt the painful urge of wanting to hurt someone for hurting someone he loved.

_Please subside._

At the third kick Jihoon couldn’t help himself, he complained in a low voice.

“Say that again.” Seokmin said, getting worked up.

“Shut up, Seokmin.” Junhui, his friend, his ally, said.

“Repeat that again.” He repeated, ignoring any voice of reason.

Jihoon sighed. “I said stop it if you don’t want to get hurt.”

Soonyoung knew that wasn’t what he said at first, it never failed to amuse him how sometimes and at will Jihoon was capable of being immature. Usually he would be the mature one, ignoring the bullshit, but other times and despite his high tolerance policy he would deliberately say something to rile them up. And hell, wasn’t he capable of handing the situation.

That he had witnessed firsthand.

And he didn’t know why he said that, he looked drearier than usual ever since the morning. If anything, it had been two days already and it was only worsening. The way he was looking at Seokmin now, he looked dead, his eyes showed no signs of life, the dark black that always glistened looked mutt right now.

A needless memory fogged his mind, the memory of the first time he had stepped into their house. Soonyoung’s inner alert system gave him the signal of an impending doom. He didn’t snap back till Seokmin’s hand almost said hello to Jihoon’s face. He quickly caught his arm.

His intuition was true. Jihoon looked like someone who wanted to get hit.

“Listen, if you want to take out your anger on someone so badly, look for someone else.” Soonyoung said.

They heard some iron rustling nearby. Junhui, like the imbecile he was, called out asking who.

If this were a movie, it was a sure thing he would be the first to die.

Soonyoung looked to his side, at Jihoon then at what he assumed to be the source of the noise. Instinctively, his head moved to the side on its own, barely dodging Seokmin’s hand.

“What the heck!” Soonyoung asked, disbelieving his eyes.

“Didn’t you volunteer a second ago?” Seokmin said, balling his hands into fists.

He slipped into a stance he sadly had to learn a few years ago. His right hand opened in front of his chest, the other’s opened fist almost touching the right one, his legs parted, his face stretched further from his hand and his chest closed in. Seokmin whistled and Soonyoung wondered what kind of expression Jihoon would be making. Lost in his thought, he almost got hit by Seokmin’s leg in his stomach, taking a step back.

A string of left and right punches, neither of which he returned, only quickly dodging.

“That’s enough!” he said.

A kick to his face, Soonyoung crouched down, only to watch Seokmin’s other leg speeding to hit his face, on the last second he darted upwards like a spring, taking a step back.

“Seokmin!” It was Junhui. So far, Soonyoung didn’t even see Jihoon. He hated this. Seokmin launched at him, Soonyoung rolled his eyes and sighed, hoping he would not regret this … for long.

_I asked you to stop nicely._

He took a step to the side, grabbing Seokmin by the arm and threw him on the ground on his face, bending down as he held Seokmin’s arm from the back, listening to the stifled moans of his as he twisted Seokmin’s arm, pinning him down.

“Snap out of it and leave us alone.” Soonyoung hissed.

Junhui tapped Soonyoung’s shoulder. “I’ll handle him from here.” He didn’t have to think much, he got up.

“How many times does he have to prove to you this is not a fight you can win?” Junhui said, walking next to the groaning Seokmin. Soonyoung looked around for Jihoon, but he couldn’t find him.

A hand fell on his shoulder, he turned around, ready to attack but it was Jihoon. He lowered his hands in shame and stood straight from his stance.

“Walk faster, I don’t like this place.” Jihoon said, ushering him. He seemed a bit out of breath. Jihoon paused for a second, bending to his knees then he broke for a run.

He had a headfirst, Soonyoung closed in in less than a second. “Where have you been?” Soonyoung asked once they were on the main street, which had many more lights than that two-streetlamps-lightened alley.

Jihoon shrugged. And they walked in silence.

“Can you come over tonight?” Jihoon asked.

That was the last thing Soonyoung expected to ever hear coming from Jihoon’s lips. It took him a while to register.

“Erm, sure.” Soonyoung was happy about the request, too happy. But he was as equally wary.

“How many personal questions have you asked me so far, Soonyoung?” Jihoon asked when they were two blocks away. Soonyoung didn’t bother counting, he wouldn’t remember them all. Moreover, he was certain to get them wrong, who knew what qualified as personal to this withdrawn crackpot.

“Plenty. But only few are so remarkable to me.” So far Jihoon didn’t glance even once at Soonyoung. Whenever Jihoon spoke like that Soonyoung felt that sinking feeling of his heart, not only was he guilt-tripped, mostly for things anyone who wasn’t Kwon Soonyoung wouldn’t even think of being remorseful about any day of their lives, but also for numerous things Soonyoung could never put his finger on. If Soonyoung had a healing effect to his smile and with his mere presence, then that was Jihoon’s effect.

Jihoon stopped, just beneath a streetlamp. The pure mask of emptiness on his face, the robotic stranger he first came to know, the person that Soonyoung knew wasn’t the real him, or at least not all that was to him. And right he was proved.

“One thing you never asked tho, and that kinda baffled me.”

“Eh?” was his one-word reply, and he was one hundred percent sure nothing could be more stupid at the point.

“Did I ever tell you what I hated most?” Jihoon was smiling. And that itself made the hair on the back of Soonyoung’s neck stand as if everything were negatively charged around him. He gestured to his house and so they were walking again.

“I can guess, but it would be a long list.” Soonyoung was trying to lighten the mood.

“It wouldn’t. I said most, I hate two things most. And Lies are one of them.” He got his keys out and smiled. “Let’s get in.”

Soonyoung tried to shake off the shivering, tried to convince himself it was alright now. He daren’t ask about who was in the house. But the first face he saw was a good sign.

“How was your day, little brother?” Seungcheol said. He wasn’t addressing Jihoon tho. Jihoon was taking off his shoes and not paying the slightest attention to Seungcheol.

Soonyoung smiled. “It was fine. How have you been, Hyung?”

“Is that _his_ voice I hear?” An excited voice said from further in the house. Soonyoung heard footsteps or rather soft jumps on the stairs then she showed up. If Soonyoung thought Jungyeon was extreme in her outfits outdoors, then he was speechless at what he was seeing. The flannel shirt she was wearing was so thin it could be a see-through and he wasn’t sure if those were her underpants or simply too short shorts. He looked away instantly, blushing.

She found her own amusement at that and laughed.

“Prude.” Jihoon said getting up and shoving his bag in Soonyoung’s chest. It didn’t feel like a compliment. “We are going up.”

“Is Jeonghan home, little brother?” Seungcheol asked just as soon as he took the first step in the stairs.

“Umm, I think. I don’t know, his schedule has been inconsistent later, the person he’s a trainee for seems to be enjoying working late.” Soonyoung was too used to thinking the thought he didn’t notice what he had said until it was late. It was Seungcheol who Jeonghan worked for.

He gritted his teeth and his lips tugged sideways, a sorry expression.

“Don’t apologize,” Seungcheol said instantly, biting his lips. It was the first time Soonyoung saw Seungcheol close to what you would call a blush. “By the way, Jihoon, he won’t be back now, you can stay here instead of your room, Jungyeon might not be too happy about it.”

_Crap._

For a second Soonyoung was paralyzed, he smiled at Seungcheol later, hoping Jihoon noticed nothing. Somehow Jihoon didn’t know about the nature of his and Jungyeon’s relation. It was as if only two people knew besides the two involved, and those were their brothers. His only brother and her oldest brother. Her oldest brother and only him.

He laughed awkwardly to hide his embarrassment.

“I would focus in the other direction if I were in your shoes.” Seungcheol said with wink, turning around with his drink in hand. And that stopped the embarrassment at once.

“Soonyoung.” Jihoon called from up. Soonyoung looked up, Jihoon was actually watching him. He wondered how much he had heard. He threw one look at Seungcheol, studying his expression as he got engrossed in the papers in his hand.

 

Jihoon’s room was nothing like Soonyoung imagined. There was nothing weird about it but it gave off that feeling of that there was something essentially wrong. A bean chair, an arc lamp, lights embedded in the walls. No posters, plenty of books. His bed and desk were neatly made; neither having anything near personal. A matching wardrobe. There were no photos there either. It looked like the room used to have wallpapers but it was repainted and was sky-blue now. It was about six meters square. Soonyoung couldn’t shake off the feeling. Something was more than wrong with it.

It came to him slowly.

“What’s with your face today?” Jihoon said, flumping himself on the bed. Soonyoung didn’t notice he had been looking at his surroundings for long. He wished his expression gave no way for unfavourable interpretations.

He smiled and looked at Jihoon. There was no moment to get caught up in, but Soonyoung was drawn into an exigent need of asking a question. An urge so unequivocally strong, even stronger than that which always drew Soonyoung to Jihoon. Making him talk even if it was nothing important, simply talking with Jihoon made him happy. The simplicity of being able to make him smile, of making him talk, of hearing about things he liked and disliked or things he liked talking about.

“Open up to me.” He said, almost beseeching.

Jihoon looked skeptic, maybe even confused by the way his face scrunched up. Soonyoung walked and sat on the bed, next to him. He was wearing a few rubber wristbands.

“Say, which colour do you hate the most?” he asked, it was somehow relevant but also a way of apologizing for making Jihoon uncomfortable with his former request.

“No colour in particular.” Jihoon said, still as skeptic.

Soonyoung sighed. “For once, Jihoon, give me a direct answer which I don’t have to unravel.” His plea covered many aspects than he imagined it would.

“Sulfur. It might be the colour that … I don’t even know how to describe how I feel about it.” Jihoon said after a thoughtful pause. Soonyoung wanted to smile. Jihoon was capable of plenty of things, but describing how he felt was out of his league.

He nodded, fidgeting with his rubber band. “I love scarlet. Silver too, it reminds me of the moon.” He said and took off both; his silver and scarlet wristbands; he wore a yellowish-but-not-quite sulfur one. For the first time he wondered why he wore so many. “Take these.” He said with a smile, handing him the rubber bands. Jihoon looked hesitant as well as confused.

“What’s that for?” he asked, not taking them still.

“In time you’ll know. Please take them, I want you to have them.” Soonyoung said encouragingly.

He counted ten seconds in his head before Jihoon had extended his hand and took them.

“Should I wear them?” he asked. Soonyoung felt some kind of warmth spreading its heat in his body, the times when he felt responsible of him, like he would do anything in the world to make sure the ground Jihoon walked on was putrefied. The over-protectiveness over him. And now he simply looked like the child he should be.

Soonyoung bit his tongue, he wanted him to wear them, but he didn’t want to be pushy. “Umm,” he began, looking at the ceiling as if asking for help. He heard something snap and that brought his head back to Jihoon. He stretched them and let go –apparently- at once and they hit his hand. Soonyoung could see the red mark still.

He wanted to laugh, almost overlooked the fact he was wearing them now. And laughing he did.

“What?” Jihoon asked innocently.

_The child he is._

“What kind of person would do that?” Soonyoung asked between his chuckles.

“I just wanted to test how far they would expand, what’s wrong with that!” He said defensively.

Soonyoung only shook his head and gazed into Jihoon’s eyes. He enjoyed the silence, enjoying the way Jihoon’s eyes avoided looking at him. Enjoying how much Jihoon could make him act in a way that wasn’t him.

“Your eyes, they look as if they are sucking in the light and everything else.” Soonyoung said with compassionate eyes.

“That’s scientifically impossible.” Jihoon looked at him at last, the flair in his eyes, that flair that sparked whenever something piqued his interest. Soonyoung wanted to roll his eyes.

“Your mind is always working, with no switch off!” He objected, feeling as if a moment there was lost forever. Jihoon blinked twice. “If only you would give it a break, I promise you things would go more smoothly.” He puffed his cheeks.

“If the brain stops, one actually dies…” Jihoon said, having the accusing-of-stupidity look in his eyes, the one that was usually followed by a head-shake as he tried to process why people were so stupid.

“My point exactly!” Soonyoung said, proving his point.

 

And there was Jihoon’s laughter in the room. Soonyoung could swear that guy had the weirdest sense of humour ever, but so did Soonyoung. They were soon laughing together. Jihoon finally lied down on bed, leaning back till his back was touching the wall.

He seemed like someone who wanted to say something.

“You can’t invite me over and expect me to leave this hour. It’s late, I’m afraid for my life.” Soonyoung joked. Jihoon grunted, closing his eyes, ready to sleep, Soonyoung could only watch.

“I never said you could leave before I say you can.” He murmured, half asleep.

“Eh? When would you let me go then?” Soonyoung asked jokingly.

“Not now.”

Soonyoung wanted him to be long gone, taken away by sleep. He could stare forever.

He could stay forever.

And forever it would be.

 


	4. Pisces

 

 

Jihoon woke up at the sound of his brother’s angry voice. Seungcheol rarely got angry but when he did, it usually reminded Jihoon of a tempest. It wasn’t to be crossed, it knew no friend. Whenever he decided to snap, Jihoon was to fear what was going to happen next.

He was cursing. That was double the trouble. He got up and walked out of his room, Jungyeon was crouched at the top of the stairs, her eyes commiserating something Jihoon couldn’t see. Seungcheol wasn’t in the house, the front door was opened. Jihoon couldn’t see his father either.

“He’s not the reason.” Jungyeon answered the silent question. “I just woke up myself but Seungcheol, he…” she wanted to elaborate but ended up trailing off. Jihoon walked down, when he was halfway done with the stairs the door slammed shut. By the time he was down there; leaning on the wall, Seungcheol had been in front of him, looking frustrated not to mention angry. Seungcheol stood too close, it made Jihoon stiffen.

_Personal space._

His face was a hard mask, he slammed his fist next to Jihoon’s head, cursed out loud, took a deep breath then looked into Jihoon’s eyes and smiled.

“Are you okay?” Jihoon asked. Seungcheol was the only one whom Jihoon asked that question.

“I’m seeing someone, Jihoon.” He started, he looked like he wanted to cry. He drew his head close, his nose touched Jihoon’s, Seungcheol was breathing heavily. Something was dead wrong with him and Jihoon started to feel alarmed. “I loved them so much. So much.” He stressed on the word, looking pained. “I think I have to make one of the most important decisions in my life.” He struggled to form speech.

“Why are you telling me this?” Jihoon’s heartbeat was skyrocketing. This was ominous.

“Can I not tell you now?” he said, the same painful smile. He backed away, turning around, hand on hip while the other was in his hair. “I’m so sorry.” He turned to Jihoon again. “I’m sorry for ruining your morning.”

Jihoon hated how cryptic his brother was, he never hid anything from him, and this only raised his panic.

He cursed again, Jihoon caught Jungyeon’s eyes, she seemed to be the manifestation of how he felt on the inside.

For a second, Jihoon wished Soonyoung was there. He wished it was like last week when he woke up and found him next to him. The thought made him feel mortally ashamed. In the last minute plenty of things made him rethink how he had been living for the past month.

First: he was starting to feel dependent on someone.

Second: he was starting to feel shame.

Third: he was starting to replace a few constants in his life.

He wasn’t sure which pained him the most, but merely thinking of the last one made his chest ache and he got the suffocating feeling he usually got. He was suddenly not able to breathe. He clenched his shirt, his eyes wide with terror, he bent down to his knees, panting, feeling the sweat on the cold morning, praying he wasn’t noticed. He started visioning all that could go wrong in life, vivid images, loud colours and sounds he wished they felt as surreal as they really were. He closed his eyes and swallowed, hearing it in his ears, hearing how fanatic his heartbeat was.

“Jihoon.”

Jihoon stood up straight just before Jungyeon’s hands touched him, partly shying away. He tried to press his lips, one of his ways of saying it was fine. But even that he couldn’t manage. He walked past her, all the way to the bathroom.

 

After Jihoon was done with his shower; his plans were to go out. As soon as he opened the door, he found Jeonghan in front of him, his hand propped to knock, but alas, the door was already opened.

“Hyung isn’t home.” Jihoon said, overlooking the formalities.

“Actually,” Jeonghan began, trying to sound assertive. Jihoon studied his expression, narrowing his eyes.

“You are not here for Seungcheol.” Jihoon completed his sentence.

“No. Would you care for a walk?” he said, gesturing for him to walk with him.

Jihoon could only look at him, he didn’t like this. If he wanted to be done, he had better hurry up, it seemed inevitable either ways.

Neither of them had spoken till they rounded the corner.

“What would you like to drink?” Jeonghan asked as he headed to the vending machine.

“Don’t bother. Please be direct, Jeonghan-hyung, I’ve plans for the day.”

Jeonghan muttered something unintelligible, Jihoon doubted it was something that would be to his liking.

Jeonghan sat on a nearby bench, shoulders hunched down, sighing. Jihoon knew he was harmless, also the way Soonyoung talked about him portrayed Yoon Jeonghan as an extremely kind and caring guy. Jihoon just preferred not to be in his company. It was because he looked so kind that Jihoon wanted out.

“Your brother,” Jeonghan began, raising his head to be able to look at the standing Jihoon. “How much do you think he cares about you?”

“Enough.” Too rigid even for Jihoon’s preference. He wished his eyes would soften a bit but his gaze was made of steel.

“So you understand there’s nothing an older brother wouldn’t do for his little brother…” he said, Jihoon questioned why he looked so sad, he wondered why everyone looked like they were on the verge of tears lately.

He did know though, so he nodded.

“I don’t want to be the bad guy here, but…” another trail off. The guy looked like someone who thought words would get hurt if they slipped past his lips. It was no wonder how Soonyoung was his brother.

_Two peaceful idiots._

“But? Jeonghan-hyung, this was never about my brother, was it?” Jihoon said steadily.

Jeonghan averted his eyes and shook his head. “Things between him and I are complicated-”

“I know you guys are dating.” Jihoon voiced something that should be so obvious yet was never spoken of. And at once, Jeonghan was red to the ears.

Again he remembered Soonyoung.

“As I said, things are complicated.”

“Life is complicated.” Jihoon asserted. Already belittling what was to come.

“You seem like a good kid, really blunt like Soonyoung said.”

Jihoon sneered, he hated those kinds of speeches, they were never fruitful and they always ended up being disastrously thwarting.

“Let me be the bad guy, then,” Jihoon said, it was his only way to get away quicker than that. “You are trying to find a way to ask me without actually saying the words to refrain from seeing your brother, am I correct?”

Jihoon wasn’t sure how he was feeling, but whatever it was he was trying not to direct it toward anger. And he seemed to be failing. And that enraged him ever more.

Jeonghan’s eyebrows creased, his face looking much gloomier.

“Tell me, sir, how do you think your brother would feel when he knows that you contributed to taking away something that made him-” Jihoon stopped short, his expression changing, surprised in spite of himself. Something that made Soonyoung what? He smiled and said what he was going to initially say, the truth: “Something that made him happy?”

Silence stretched.

“That’s not what I wanted.” He said, barely heard by his own ears.

And there Jihoon gasped. He was shocked. He misread what Jeonghan wanted, rather he always knew it but he phrased it suavely enough it altered the situation. It wouldn’t be Jeonghan who took away something that made Soonyoung happy. That was Jihoon’s role. That was what Jeonghan was asking.

Jihoon’s hand clenched. He was angry.

_Maturity._

He took a few steps in his direction and put a hand on his shoulder, a move Soonyoung had taught him. _It makes people feel better at times._ He used to say.

“Jeonghan-hyung, I’m sorry but-” Jihoon caught something behind Jeonghan, a figure that made the words trapped in his mouth. It was Soonyoung. He looked dumbfounded as he approached them.

“It’s impossible.” He said and walked to meet Soonyoung halfway.

 

“Hey.” Soonyoung said.

Jihoon pressed his lips. “Just a second, Jeonghan-hyung was asking me to give Hyung something, I forgot to tell him one thing.” Jihoon’s tone was firm. He knew Soonyoung was nice enough never to pressure anything, even when he knew it wasn’t entirely true. It didn’t feel fair to take advantage of that.

Once again he was standing in front of Jeonghan, whose eyes never once stopped following Jihoon.

Jeonghan looked at him, his eyes entreating him.

“Jeonghan-hyung, when I said it’s impossible, it wasn’t because I wouldn’t.” Jihoon said, pressing his lips.

“Eh?”

He looked beyond confused. Jihoon took a deep breath and slowly let it out. “I don’t think anyone in this world can affect the way _he_ thinks. He never left despite _my_ entreaties.” He shrugged and bowed awkwardly then left to join Soonyoung’s side. Leaving Jeonghan with his thoughts.

And it was true. Once he voiced the reality, everything became surer to him. Soonyoung was there to stay. Soonyoung wasn’t a bad guy, he had been trying hard despite how many times Jihoon tried shutting him out.

That was his reality.

“Are you okay?” Soonyoung asked, he had been staring at him for about a minute now after they had reunited.

“Why are you asking?”

Soonyoung smiled worriedly. “You are smiling.”

And indeed, Jihoon’s smile was beyond creepy but it was too soon and he wouldn’t change a thing. “Soonyoung, can you play basketball?” he asked.

“A bit.” Soonyoung answered with a smile.

“You never practiced any sports?” Jihoon asked, studying Soonyoung from the corner of his eye.

A pensive pause. “Some, but all are school-mastery, so I guess yea.” Soonyoung shrugged.

“All is good.” Jihoon said, still leading the way. He didn’t stop until they had reached a small basketball court in the street. It was old and rusty and it didn’t have people. One of Jihoon’s spots.

He walked till he reached the ball on the ground. He started spinning it on one finger, a trick Seungcheol had taught him. He was neither looking at the ball nor at Soonyoung. He was looking at the sun which was struggling to prevail.

“Say, have you ever looked at the sky and wondered how the proverb _‘birds of feather flock together’_ originated?” Jihoon asked, he hated that proverb from deep inside.

“Once.” Soonyoung said. Jihoon didn’t expect that, his question was mainly rhetorical. And he slowly turned his head to look at Soonyoung whose eyes were steadily fixed on him, the way they always did when Soonyoung became serious. “Their feathers do differ and after all they are still following the same bird. I never understood how it could denote, um, kinship.”

“You don’t believe in that…?” Jihoon pressed, feeling a subtle satisfaction.

Soonyoung shook his head and smiled. “I’m more of a believer in opposites attract, Jihoon.”

Jihoon was silent for a while, merely looking at Soonyoung, trying not to read too much into the situation. He tossed the ball to Soonyoung and jumped high up till he was clutching to the basketball hoop. Soonyoung made one of those watch-out warnings. Jihoon swung a bit then lifted his body weight up till he was perfectly seated on the hoop. Those were the times he was glad he didn’t eat much.

“Give me the ball back.” He told Soonyoung. And giving the ball back was what Soonyoung did. He started switching the ball between his hands absent-mindedly.

“It’s dangerous up there.” Soonyoung said with that peaceful smile of his. Jihoon betted that even Soonyoung didn’t believe he could make him go down with such simple words. Not even actions, probably.

“You know what it takes?” Jihoon began.

“For what?” Soonyoung asked, still only looking at Jihoon.

“For me to know I won’t fall?”

“Fearlessness?” Soonyoung asked with conviction.

Jihoon smirked. “That would only make up to seven percent of it. I can sit here leisurely because I believe in myself.” He let that sink for a minute, watching Soonyoung getting more confused. He looked stiff enough.

“Eight days ago, do you remember what happened that night?”

Soonyoung narrowed his eyes, still confused. “Erm, I stayed at your house that night.”

“Before we entered the house, Soonyoung, I told you something.” Jihoon said ignoring what Soonyoung remembered of that night. It could be said he was correcting what Soonyoung had just said. He waited for his words to get in motion, and slowly the effects were taking place.

Jihoon smirked. One second the ball was between his hands, the other it was like a cannon-ball aimed at Soonyoung’s face. And in less than a second later Jihoon was in the air, following the ball to ground. A soft thud as his legs made contact with the ground. He could see Soonyoung’s lips moving to form an objection while his hands held the ball just before it hit his face.

Another smirk. Jihoon’s left leg shot up, he felt the tip of his shoe almost touching Soonyoung’s chin. Soonyoung jumped a step back. Falling into an offensive stance, his hands were opened and his right leg was the one behind the other at a distance. His secondary leg.

“What the hell!” his voice was louder than usual, not angry.

Jihoon’s face became harder he could see the horror in Soonyoung’s eyes as his right leg darted in full force in an attempt to hit Soonyoung’s head.

Soonyoung dodged this one too, bending to his knees then as quickly as rising up to his feet.

“Jihoon. Stop.”

Jihoon didn’t even wait, he spun and directed his kick to Soonyoung’s chest. He missed for the third time. Having calculated the time Soonyoung needs to dodge, knowing it wouldn’t miss this time, he jumped in the air, his kick to Soonyoung’s shoulder. Yet, Soonyoung was quick enough not to receive its full damage.

“What are you doing?” he groaned in pain as he was kneeling to his knees in spite of Jihoon’s kick, ready to pounce.

Still, Jihoon didn’t speak, he lodged a soccer kick which also Soonyoung avoided with a last back jump which drove him to the wall.

“Jihoon!” he shouted.

Jihoon shook his head and gave a roundhouse kick and at last, he felt the defenses. Soonyoung held Jihoon’s leg in the air firmly. “Stop.” He said ruefully. He threw it to the ground. Jihoon took it to his advantage and spun again to kick once more with his heel, but Soonyoung was already next to him, holding his leg in place once more. He shook his head, looking remorseful.

With his other free leg Jihoon jumped and kicked Soonyoung with a flying kick. And it was no surprise to him when Soonyoung’s spine bent backwardly till the air was clear of his kick. Except, this time he didn’t stand up, he was crouched and by the time Jihoon realized he was ready only to deliver his next attack to a _standing_ Soonyoung, he had already been swooped off his feet and feeling the hard stone behind his back and Soonyoung’s legs pinning his hands down as he was on top of him.

“What’s wrong with you?” Soonyoung asked, panting and it wasn’t because of the pain or the effort, he looked angry.

“Those aren’t school-mastery moves, Soonyoung.” Jihoon said as calmly as he managed.

Soonyoung sighed, looking up at the sky then down at Jihoon, sighing again. He got off him and fell to his butt next to Jihoon. Hugging his legs, he looked like his eyes twinkled.

_Tears?_

Jihoon sat up, looking at Soonyoung. “I hate lies, I told you I hate them more than anything.” Jihoon hissed, he felt overpowered by the heat of his anger.

“Tell me, Jihoon, did Yoojung ever tell you how I met her?” Soonyoung asked, not looking at Jihoon.

He was too angry to form words. Soonyoung lifted his legs off the ground and spun on his butt. Jihoon felt the impact of Soonyoung’s back touching his as they sat opposite to each other. Each back was the only thing keeping the other back steady.

Soonyoung proceeded. “It was less than a month after I moved into the neighbourhood. There was that group of guys in school-uniforms approaching, laughing loudly as if they were drunk. I was on my way to the convenience store. She was jumping from her window, you know typical escape move. She noticed me and smiled back then despite not knowing me then she darted somewhere.”

He paused, he sounded like someone who didn’t like reliving that moment. Jihoon had no clue why.

“Remember when I said she might be using your wardrobe without your knowledge? That day she could easily be mistaken for a boy. Just cuter than any.” Jihoon assumed Soonyoung added the last remark to lessen the blow of his words. He really did sound like he was having a hard time trying not to cry.

Jihoon could see where this was leading and his chest began to ache. Getting the suffocated feeling again.

“As I was heading back she was buying something from the vending machine next to the store. That group of boys weren’t from our school except for two, and they were ten feet away from her as she turned to face me, she smiled again, she initiated a talk. Then I gave her my back as I turned to take a call, excusing myself. I only turned when I heard someone calling out ‘Lee’, and that person was really pissed off. And before she could turn around she was being punched.”

Jihoon closed his eyes, he couldn’t see Soonyoung’s face but he could swear he was doing the same.

_She is a red line._

“That group, was it Seokmin?” Jihoon asked, feeling the pain of his fingernails against the flesh of his palm.

“Yes.” Soonyoung replied, gulping. “That was the first time in four years I seriously hit someone, almost injuring him. One instant I was seeing her getting punched and she was too startled to properly react; the blood spurting from her lips as she innocently turned around to her caller. The late realization in Seokmin’s eyes just after his lips uttered an insult. The other minute I could feel my knee diving in Seokmin’s abdomen and I could see his friends rushing over as well as I could hear him whimpering. I’m not too proud of it, but that kick had enough power that went on par with my anger back then.”

And even Jihoon could hear the emotion in Soonyoung’s voice. He gave him his time as well as letting himself think clearly. His sister was hit on his behalf, she was hurt because of him.

_Just how many times before it’s enough?_

“Why?” Jihoon asked, it was the only thing he could ask.

Soonyoung laughed joylessly. “Why do I need a reason to defend someone?”

It was Jihoon’s turn to laugh. He felt bitter, really and utterly bitter.

_Fool._

All Soonyoung did was defending someone. This peace-loving fool, hating violence but having to use it.

“It’s not funny.” Soonyoung said in a monotonous voice yet it didn’t wash away the sadness in it. “Why do people get hurt? Why would anyone be touched for anything that’s not out of love? It just doesn’t make sense.” Soonyoung’s talking-pace was getting faster, he was starting to gash out his feelings. “I don’t get it, Jihoon. She was punched for no reason. Even if it were you, there would never be any reason to hurt anyone. He hates you and it was a low move and to make matters worse an innocent party had to be involved … had to be hurt.” He said the last word as if he himself were getting hurt.

And only then did Jihoon understood why Soonyoung didn’t leave the house despite his entreats _that_ night.

“Before I was enrolled to your school, I-”

“I don’t want to know.” Jihoon interrupted him firmly. He of all people should understand what it meant not to be willing to tell someone something. He who, of all people, savoured privacy. If Soonyoung didn’t tell him, then he had his reasons. That much he had to respect.

Jihoon turned, breaking their pose. Soonyoung didn’t fall nonetheless, he caught himself and sat straight watching Jihoon.

Jihoon whose eyes looked deeply into Soonyoung’s eyes.

Jihoon whose hand was on top of Soonyoung’s as he spun to face him.

Jihoon whose breath was caressing Soonyoung’s cheek.

Jihoon whose lips were suddenly in contact with Soonyoung’s.

Jihoon who was kissing Soonyoung.

Three seconds.

That was the time needed for Soonyoung to jerk himself backward as he put his arm on his lips, hiding his face, his blush. He was looking at Jihoon.

Fifteen seconds. It was how long it took Soonyoung to say, “What was that for?”

Jihoon got back to his former pose but this time he was facing Soonyoung. “I was checking something.” He said pressing his lips into a thin line. He was watching Soonyoung getting more baffled; he looked so confused he couldn’t even talk.

Jihoon got up to his feet and gave his back to Soonyoung. He could only think of one word. _Unfair_.

“Come on, let’s go home.” Jihoon said, he was about to turn to Soonyoung but he was already passing him by.

“Yea, we should go home.”

It was Jihoon’s first time to be staring at Soonyoung’s back.

_Unfair._

 

 

****

 

 

Thump.

Badump.

Soonyoung pulled the quilt over him tighter. Closing his eyes after shaking his head violently to shake off the thoughts might as well as the feelings. It was the weekend, despite having been awake for long, Soonyoung didn’t get out of bed. He was hearing Jeonghan talk to someone down there, Soonyoung pondered getting out of bed and getting down there as a means of distraction. As he was still weighing his options, his brother started laughing with his guest and the guest’s laugh was familiar.

He got out, avoiding the mirror to avoid his bed-head, Jeonghan always teased him about it, then he was in the living room. Facing both, his brother and Jungyeon.

“Look who’s finally awake.” She said, smiling.

“Morning, Soonyoung.” Jeonghan said taking a sip from his tea as he held it by both hands to warm his hands. He too was still smiling. It was hard not to smile around Jungyeon. “I was just about to wake you up.” He said getting up.

Forming speech in the morning had always been a challenge. Jeonghan gave him an inquisitive look, he was obviously heading out and Soonyoung knew he didn’t have any lectures for the day.

“You are taking me out today, Hoshi.” She said then pouted. “It’s the weekend and Seungcheol isn’t free to take me out. That jerk. I think he got himself a someone he no longer needs me.” Her guiltless laughter chimed. She could always laugh at anything.

“She’s such a charm,” Jeonghan said. “I would have loved to stay longer, really I’d have.” He said sincerely.

“Ah. Sorry our first meeting wasn’t as charming, Jeonghan-hyung.” Jungyeon said, getting up as well and putting her hands in her back-pockets. He bid them farewell then he was gone.

“What are we going to do?” She asked as Soonyoung flumped himself on the couch, rubbing his eyes.

“I’ll take you wherever you want, Yoojung.” He answered. “I’m up for anything.” It was a lie. Soonyoung wanted to stay home. Or he just didn’t want to be around Jungyeon at that time. It was hard as it is to look at her without feeling the urge to blush. Losing all focus on everything but that one thing he was trying to avoid.

“Just give me ten minutes or something till I wake myself up and I’ll get back to you.” He said, looking at her. “Make yourself at home.” He smiled.

She smirked.

_Ba-dump._

 

After Soonyoung had been out of the bathroom, he saw Jungyeon in his room. Trying not to panic, having no reason to panic, he went to his room.

“I was wondering how boys had their rooms.” She said with an innocent smile. He was about to remind her that she had two brothers and one of them was the same age Soonyoung was. But he had been in Jihoon’s room and that made him zip it. And she realized his realization and giggled. Then her expression became sad, no, sad might not be the word. Her expressions spoke dimensions away and Soonyoung couldn’t get the correct word to describe it regardless of how linguistically gifted he was.

“You are getting along with him,”

It wasn’t a question but Soonyoung smiled hence affirming it.

She walked out of the room. He looked at her as if she were doing something out of the question. “You would have stood there all day long if I didn’t walk out so you can change your clothes.” She teased as she closed the door.

Soonyoung let himself laugh.

He was picking a shirt when she said, “Few days ago, I thought he was sick, Hoshi.”

Soonyoung stopped short.

She chuckled a bit. Even when she wasn’t seeing him she was still laughing at her own words. “I’ve never seen him talk so much, or even at school, he has never been around someone for so long.” She paused. He was listening intently. Smiling inwardly. “I can’t explain it well, but what I want to say is that, he might not show it often, but he likes you. It’s been ages, Hoshi.” Her voice was no longer as upbeat.

He opened the door. Facing her. He was going to say something but she shook her head. Then she looked at him warmly. “Can you promise me something?”

_Ba-dump-ba-dump._

“Anything.” He said.

“Jihoon specializes in pushing people away,”

Soonyoung pressed his lips a bit sadly. She smiled again. “I can tell he tried.”

“Still trying.” Soonyoung said, crossing his arms and leaning on the door frame.

She smiled lightly. He liked the way she smiled. “So even if he pushes away, even if he’s wrong, please don’t walk away on him.” She was studying him, then she seemed to have seen something in his face that made her add, a bit embarrassedly. “I know it’s something weird to ask. But you don’t understand, the way I feel about my brothers, about Jihoon specifically it can’t be described. I’d do anything for him but it was proven over and over how little I can offer.” Her voice started to sound choked. It was the first time he saw Jungyeon expressing enough sorrow to cry.

He embraced her lightly.

“Yoojung, this has always been my intention.” He said, there weren’t enough height difference between them to give him the leverage of whispering, and he didn’t want to send the wrong notion either. “I promise.”

_This has always, always been my one and only intention._

She hit his shoulder lightly and backed away. Her first attempt at a smile wasn’t perfected, she did a better job at her second try and at the third she was the Jungyeon Soonyoung knew. “Please tell me you don’t always hug girls who cry in front of you.”

He almost blushed. She laughed. “Sometimes I wish the world had more of your kind, Hoshi.”

“My kind?” He asked, puzzled. The Lees seemed to always have that category where only Soonyoung was dubbed under.

She looked at him for a while, not saying a word; Soonyoung blinking more than twice. Then she said, “Let’s go, it’s going to get dark before we can hang out.” She stretched her hand. How much Soonyoung wanted to pretend not to see it. He couldn’t tell which will was stronger; wanting to ignore her hand or not wanting to hurt her?

To put it better to words, for him or for her?

He took her hand and they were soon out of the house.

He didn’t feel bored for the number of hours they spent together in the evening, what worried him was that urging notion forcing itself on him of wanting to compare the time he was spending with _him_ to the time he was spending with _her_.

_Unfair._

She made them watch a movie, then they were at the park. They ate together and they have been walking for a long time. They talked for hours, laughed together and all. He learnt more about her, telling her about himself from time to time. She wasn’t one of those people who only listened till it was their turn to talk. She was listening, interacting. It was basically a date.

They _were_ dating, right?

They didn’t take the train or the bus home. Jungyeon did want to but then she looked at him and asked him if he weren’t too comfortable with transportation –maybe she noticed something that was unintentional in Soonyoung’s expression on that day whenever they took transportation-. It was true; transportation wasn’t his strong suit. He replied that he liked walks. She gave him a weird playful look, a Jungyeon-look.

 

“You are pretty smart yourself.” Soonyoung said, biting his lips. Returning a compliment. They were at the end of their journey; standing in the middle of the street that separated their houses.

“Nah,” she brushed him off. “I’m hardly making do at school.” She let go of Soonyoung’s hand to stand in front of him. “Now I understand why you’ve lasted so long with Jihoon.”

“He has never had a friend for that long?” Soonyoung asked, dubious. He didn’t qualify to be called ‘that long’; it had been hardly less than a year. And things were muddled at first. Their relationship only got better in the last month of the summer.

“Uh-uh.” She shook her head. “Some tried, but Jihoon, well he’s quite an asshole himself it’s not like he’s not at fault. Gee, that idiot.” She said in a way that was absolutely hilarious to Soonyoung. He never liked to stop his laughter.

She pushed her hair back with her left hand, she smiled in spite of herself. “But who am I to talk? Did I ever tell you I once forgot Jihoon’s birthday?”

Soonyoung didn’t recall having laughed this hard ever in his entire life. And it wasn’t even that funny. “How is that even possible!?” He asked incredulously.

“As if I know. It was the most awkward thing.”

Seeing her expression he had to say something before she flipped on her emo-mode. A mode that was strictly reserved for Jihoon. “You should get inside, they’ll get worried.”

She shrugged. “Only Jihoon gets worried but he never shows it either. So we are cool.”

_Jihoon._ “Well, you should tell him I said hi.”

“You’ll probably see him before I do.” She paused as if for effect. “When I woke up, he wasn’t there; I don’t know where he goes for that hobby of his or anything but still. He doesn’t return this hour, not at a night like this.” And as if instinctively, Soonyoung looked at the dark sky, only brightly lit with twinkling stars. Brighter than most nights. For a second he considered breaking into a run to the woods.

He looked at her, biting his lips again.

“What is it?” she asked, titling her head.

_Jihoon._

“Unfortunate circumstance has forced me to tell him.” He confessed, closing his eyes.

“That we are not dating?” She gasped. Soonyoung wasn’t one hundred percent sure if it was entirely a joke.

“No, no.” he smiled. “About Seokmin.”

She made a face.

“Well never mind it. The situation is handled and if that horse-face did anything to either of you, I’ll take him on myself.” She made a fist.

“You can’t even defend yourself.” Soonyoung said, laughing.

“True.” She said childishly. “But I’m a girl he’ll go easy on me.” She gave him a girly pout and they laughed together. It was nice to hear the sound of his own laugh in an empty space.

She held both of his hands as she stood in front of him, swinging them playfully.

“One last thing.” She leaned in to whisper in his ear.

“Yes?” Soonyoung said just as playfully. He didn’t have to worry about that kind of tension between them. That was majorly why he was so fond of Jungyeon. She wasn’t like most girls.

“About us not really dating,” she raised her head, looking into his eyes. Soonyoung’s realization was late and his reaction wasn’t to his favour. They were kissing. She broke first, both of them smiling. “I think we should give it a shot for real.” She threw her arms around his neck and backed her head away a bit.

Soonyoung was screaming on the inside.

And good things always come together. The front door of their small fence was being opened. A figure standing there for the briefest second then heading to the door and opening it.

She was wrong.

“Jihoon.” Soonyoung called. Temporarily forgetting himself as he broke away from Jungyeon’s embrace. Jihoon didn’t turn but at least he didn’t enter.

He remembered his reality and looked at Jungyeon she was giving her brother a weird look. They both walked to the house. Soonyoung stopping next to Jihoon but Jungyeon only greeted him and smiled then entered. She even closed the door.

Another reality descended on Soonyoung. Partly because he felt ashamed, partly because he didn’t know how to say it and partly because he didn’t know how Jihoon would interpret it; notwithstanding, he didn’t voice his reality.

Jihoon shrugged, as if telling Soonyoung not to care about any of what went through his head. Then before Soonyoung could react, Jihoon’s hand was on his shoulder, pulling him in, his lips near his ears whispering, a darker shade than the night filled his voice.

“If you ever hurt her, I’ll make sure that would be the decision you regret the most throughout your life, Soonyoung.” He said.

Soonyoung gulped. Jihoon pulled back, his face hard at first then he smirked.

“See you tomorrow.” He said and he opened the door. Shrugging one last time, Jihoon closed the door on Soonyoung.

Soonyoung who should be everything but smiling. He didn’t feel well, he felt sick as far as the word can cover. He kissed his bestfriend’s sister, he got a threat from the older brother.

The older brother who kissed him a night earlier.

Soonyoung laughed in a low voice and started crossing the street. As he slid the door open, he looked up at the sky.

The so beautifully scattered stars, their chaotic beauty, could that be messier than the world Soonyoung shared with the house that this dark sky overlaid?

 

 

 

 

 

Jihoon clicked his pen and tired not to look up. He was sitting in the school’s library with Soonyoung, a small table in which they sat opposite to each other. The former was casually reading a book while the other wasn’t so fully engrossed in what he was reading. After a year of both of them occupying two different tables, they had started sharing one on the course of the last few weeks. Jihoon got back to his book.

“Twenty-three.” He said after a while, not looking up.

“What are you counting?” Soonyoung instantaneously assumed.

Jihoon looked up and grimaced. “The number of sighs you’ve let out in the past forty minutes.”

Even Jihoon could see that the smile Soonyoung tried to beam was so forced. Eventually, they were both sighing in sync. He pondered asking him what was wrong, but having realized he practically did, Jihoon didn’t voice his concern. He always forgot that despite everything Soonyoung was really private. He felt a bit sore about how little he really knew about the guy; Soonyoung always did the talking, he was always the one … pursuing.

He had to talk before he felt bad. But it was –once again- as if Jihoon and Soonyoung had always never stopped singing from the same sheet. They both spoke at the same breath.

“Erm,” Soonyoung said, discomforted in a good way while Jihoon only pressed his lips.

“You speak first.” Jihoon closed his book and looked at Soonyoung.

He nodded. “If you are free tonight we can hang out?” the way he sounded made it look like a question. “It’s been a while and New Year is almost here so I-”

“Fine by me.” Jihoon stopped him. Soonyoung tended to get carried away in explaining himself to Jihoon; something Jihoon realized Soonyoung didn’t do with everyone. They were caught in a moment when both of them were simply smiling at the other. Only to be interrupted by the ringing bell.

Jihoon got up, he was the only one who moved though.

Soonyoung gave him a meaningful look.

“I kinda like that teacher, I’m not cutting this class.” Jihoon said with a defensive shrug. Soonyoung seemed to have this image of Jihoon as the well-mannered-punk.

Jihoon was reaching for his book and he reached it just the same second Soonyoung’s hand did. Almost as if Soonyoung had touched electricity, he pulled back his hand, forcing his chair back in the process. Jihoon watched with absolute bewilderment. He met Soonyoung’s eyes for the briefest second, just before Soonyoung looked to the side, burning up with shame. Jihoon reached once again for the book and started heading to the desk. He stopped midway and turned to look at Soonyoung who was still looking out of the window, the blush still hadn’t steamed off.

“You don’t have to act like that around me.” He said with a smile, the smile so patent in his words that Soonyoung had to look at him. Something he always avoided when he blushed. Jihoon tried to process why Soonyoung looked so jumbled up, he didn’t want to put too much thinking into it; so with a final shrug he walked away.

 

Jihoon had a queer definition of the word ‘hell’. Hell meant sharing the same table with your family at meals without your older brother.

Seungcheol still hadn’t got back home, his mom had a cold and she went to bed early, hence the twins were alone with their father. The weight of silence was nothing more than it often was. After all, he had gotten used to it by the years. Jihoon was simply waiting for the clock to strike its tenth count so he can go. He only had to wait for a little while longer. And to make matters worse, Jungyeon herself wasn’t quite the same. Recently she had been acting weird.

“I’ve an exam tomorrow, there’s still a chapter I’ve to cover.” Jungyeon said as she got up, eyes on her plate. She rarely excused herself before Jihoon was done eating. They always left the table together.

“You can go.” Their father said. Jihoon didn’t want to pressure Jungyeon with his look so he kept playing with what remained of his food. He lost count of how many times he kept playing for his food for her sake so she wouldn’t be alone on the dinner table.

Another queer definition. Alone. It meant for Jungyeon to be facing shit without him. And shit defined as their father.

He was going to get up as well, but he got a text just then. He checked it even though he knew for a fact it was going to be Soonyoung. He smiled faintly at the text. His father got up and walked to him, Jihoon’s screen timed out.

“Is that the Soonyoung kid?” he asked, voice free of any kind of emotions.

“Yes.”

“I see. So you are still friends with that guy.” He proceeded.

“Yes.” Jihoon checked the time and it was finally ten. He got up, feeling his father’s eyes on his back burning like coal on bare flesh. It was no secret Jihoon seldom stayed at home. He picked up his bag which he had left by the door earlier, trying to pretend his father’s nearing footsteps were nonexistent. He opened the door; maybe if he left before he could speak things would go on without a fight. He hated how they always fought.

Hate. That word covered many aspects in Jihoon’s dictionary.

He was in the yard, closing the door when it was stopped.

“I don’t want you to have anything to do with that house.” His father commanded as he re-opened the door, standing on the trespass. Sharply looking into his son’s eyes.

It was one thing for Jihoon to be told to do something, but it was even worse when _he_ told him to do something. Especially that it was never a thing to his liking.

“You expect me to abide?” Jihoon narrowed his eyes.

“To obey.” He corrected firmly.

He was going to graciously refuse but then Jihoon remembered he hardly ever apologized, and that way people always apologized for things; as prologues and epilogues, was simply stupid. Take in consideration it was his father he was dealing with. It always made the equation’s difficulty quadruple.

So he sighed internally and started walking.

Two steps before his name was being called in _that_ tone.

“Turn around.” Another command.

“Just let it be.” Jihoon replied without turning around. A hushed tone.

“Turn around this instant.” The calm.

“Why do you have to do this?” Jihoon said angrily, turning around at last.

“Because what I say goes.”

Jihoon snorted. He was even too dim to get the dimensions of that question. His father marched towards him, Jihoon could hear his father’s loud angry breath despite his rigorous expression and attempted-calm voice. “Listen to me because I’m not going to repeat myself. You stay away from the house or so help me, the outcome won’t be to your liking at all.” He threatened. He didn’t threaten much, it was because Jihoon tried to avoid reaching that point, because only then did it become an impasse.

_No. No._

“No.” Jihoon muttered as his eyes fell to the ground, his confidence failing him.

“What did you say?” He challenged.

And Jihoon’s confidence was back, he clenched his fist and looked up. “I said no. You don’t get a say in that.” He said louder, arrogantly.

Before he could even blink, Jihoon’s bag fell from his shoulder to the ground, his shirt crumpled in his father’s fist, the spit coming from his father’s mouth was on Jihoon’s face. At first, he only looked him unflinchingly in the eye, watching how both sadistic his father was and how angry defying him made him. Getting a subtle satisfaction from the latter. But then his father’s mask became harder, it became so hateful that Jihoon chest was heaving from anger. He was still being lifted the few centimeters off the ground.

“Just how many examples must I set before you understand you can’t defy me!” he spat. Jihoon looked him square in the eyes, never giving him the satisfaction of even showing the slightest signs of hate for him. “Must _he_ too become a one? I can grant you, it wouldn’t take much paper work to end his future.”

And only then did Jihoon jerk off his father’s hands, and he did it violently too. He took a step back, pulling his jacket roughly in what should have been his way of fixing his clothes.

“Can you hear your own words?” Jihoon hissed, savagely saying the words with an equally savage expression. “For once stay the fuck out of things. Leave me be.”

The product of Jihoon’s words was a slap on his face.

“You need serious help, old man!” He hissed. “You are so sick in the head that maybe nothing can help you at this point.” Jihoon’s old wounds that were inflicted from his nails still hadn’t healed and yet he was reopening them by how hard he was clenching his fist.

And he was seeing his father’s face go the million shades of anger, his body as it moved towards his and his hands as they stretched into a strangle that Jihoon was too late to react to. Jihoon could hear plenty of things all at once, he wasn’t resisting, his hands were still fists next to him as his vision blurred.

“You should have never been born.” His father was suffocating him and yet his words always sucked out the air more than any physical violation of his did.

_Jihoon._ He thought he was hallucinating.

_What would happen if it all ended now?_

The thought gave him the trance bitter happiness always inflicted on his mentality, leaving him in a semi-catatonic haze. It wouldn’t take anything to drive his fist somewhere and save himself. But the thought was just too sweetly tempting to ignore. He could see his father, he could still taste what was allowed to enter his lungs, his hands were never unclenched. He could still fight.

And that hurt.

_Don’t._

_Don’t._

And at last Jihoon pushed him away. He could swear he didn’t put enough force in that push that it was so easily broken. Bending a bit as he begged the air to fill his lungs again, as his vision settled, Jihoon looked at his father with eyes of a viper. Processing his surroundings things became clearer.

_Soonyoung. Naturally._

He could see Soonyoung’s pained expression as his eyes met his father’s.

_Why is it always like this?_

“It’s all your fault.” His father said perilously malignant. Soonyoung gave no ground. Jihoon could see his father closing the distance Soonyoung had put between them after breaking Jihoon free from his grasp.

But this time Jihoon was quicker. He was in the same position as that night. Between an angel and a devil. A devil who ruled hell and an angel who was trying to save a condemned soul. Entering hell himself to do so.

Jihoon pushed his father back with both hands. “Just let it be!” this was his most loathing hiss by far. He could feel his blood boiling and it had nothing to do with the dizziness the lack of air had implicated not so long ago. His palm was bleeding, his nails were digging too much into his skin, yet he didn’t relax it. He was ready. He was anticipant, watching his father’s astounded expression for what could be the first time in his the almost seventeen years he had been alive.

Too engulfed in his thoughts he didn’t notice Soonyoung had called him thrice so far. Only when his hands had felt another’s touch that he snapped back.

“Let’s go.” He said warmly to Jihoon, who wondered how Soonyoung could speak so warmly and formulate that kind of sympathetic expression just when three seconds ago he was looking with ice-cold eyes at his father.

_His_ eyes started shifting between both: Soonyoung and Jihoon. Seemingly suppressing his massive mass of anger.

Soonyoung pulled twice on Jihoon’s hand, gesturing with his head to the street. Jihoon hesitated. It took him eleven seconds before his fists were unclenched. But still he didn’t release _him_ from his gaze. Soonyoung picked up Jihoon’s bag and pushed Jihoon forward gently.

“You could be sued for this, sir.” He said just when Jihoon was a good-three-paces ahead of him. He shook his head and followed Jihoon.

They crossed the street, they knew where to go, it was what their night was planned for. Both understanding they couldn’t simply reveal their destination so leniently when such a man was still watching them. They reached Soonyoung’s house, the back yard. And from there, they started taking a longer route to the woods. Jihoon had his bag and without a word they were walking.

 

Once they got to the spot they always used, Jihoon threw the bag on the ground and he basically threw himself alongside it, bending his knees, looking at the sky at first then he held his head in his hands as it flumped on his shoulder. He couldn’t get himself to care there was someone around him. Jihoon could never let anyone, not even his siblings, see him in that pitifully rueful shape.

But Soonyoung? What was there that he didn’t know? As far as the sentence could go, Soonyoung basically knew him better than anyone. Soonyoung somehow was always there.

Soonyoung was his exception.

“Vent.”

Jihoon looked up, looking at Soonyoung who was sitting opposite to him cross-legged, his hands behind him, putting weight on them, he seemed to be wearing that kind of smiles he wore when Jihoon knew Soonyoung wished to cry. He always wore it in that kind of situations.

“Venting is good. It’s a reliever.” He said, nodding.

Jihoon took a deep breath. “I was so scared.” Jihoon felt like he was still choking, the words were hardly audible. “I was scared to my very bone. I stood there, almost in a tranquillized state, that one sentence resonating loudly, ringing alarmingly and fearfully.” He was making a fist, shaking, trying to express himself. He looked at Soonyoung. “Does that make sense?”

Soonyoung smiled compassionately. “I know that fear wasn’t because you were scared for yourself.”

Jihoon’s eyes widened. Just how much could Soonyoung see? For how long had Soonyoung been able to read him like that? Jihoon let out a choked sound and looked at the stars.

“I feared that if it went on any longer, I might hurt him.” He paused, trying to level the choking in his voice. He gulped, almost hearing it ringing in his ear. “That’s all I could think of.”

Only then did Jihoon understand why people cried when they got angry. He was trying to tame his rage, to direct it somewhere that wouldn’t make it a flood of needless tears. And he found what he sought. He remembered the text he got earlier where Soonyoung said he was going out of the house, asking him to go out then as well.

“Why?” Jihoon asked. “Why did you interfere? I know you’ve been watching for long.”

A joyless smile. A smile that spoke the tears Jihoon refused to shed.

“You’ve lost so much, Jihoon.” He began. “I couldn’t allow you to lose yourself as well, not the only thing that’s hardly remaining for you.”

Jihoon flinched.

“No, I simply couldn’t.” Soonyoung gave him one last look then he sighed. Jihoon could see a tear trickling down his cheek, shining brighter than any of those stars in the cold night. Soonyoung lied on his back, seeming to deal with his own train of thoughts. Jihoon dragged his body, spun on his butt until his back was to the lying-Soonyoung. He lied down, shaping a T complementing with Soonyoung’s body; resting his head on Soonyoung’s chest.

Jihoon could have simply let Soonyoung be, but he couldn’t understand that guy at all. “Shouldn’t I be the one who is crying?” He realized he was teasing Soonyoung only a little bit and smiled in spite of that.

“I’m not crying.” Soonyoung replied in a strangled voice, one that masked tears. Jihoon didn’t press, letting the silence be their companion.

“I don’t get this world, Jihoon, I truly don’t. For what does evil exist? Why do people kill, why would they lose their humanity, why are family bonds shattered, why was hate made when love could suffice for everything?” Sometimes Soonyoung’s emotions triggered an awareness too deep for words in Jihoon. “What’s the point of life and death, good and evil, what’s the point of anything when there’s so little point to such nefariousness? Why do we even exist?”

“Fool.” Jihoon said. Too used to the word, it always seemed like the only word to describe Soonyoung. “A fool with stupid ideal views, nothing applicable to life.” Jihoon who would bullshit his way throughout life, he liked nothing more than mere possibilities. The less applicable to life things were; the better. And saying that to Soonyoung right now wasn’t an accusation to him as much as it was to himself. Blaming both of them, each choosing his way to deal with his views.

Soonyoung’s hand grabbed a strand of Jihoon’s hair, twirling it. For the first time in his life Jihoon didn’t object to that kind of physical contact.

“I’ve always admired how honest you are with your feelings.” Jihoon said, closing his eyes. It felt nice to have someone play with your hair, it felt nice to have Soonyoung there. He heard a short quite laugh.

They lied there in silence. Jihoon’s head full with Soonyoung and Soonyoung’s head probably thinking only of Jihoon.

“A fool you say?” Soonyoung asked, turning his head to the side till his lips were almost in contact with Jihoon’s hair. “Have you never asked yourself those questions?”

And without having to highlight it, Jihoon answered. “Every fucking night, Soonyoung, I did.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //sigh I wish I could write shorter updates, it's just there are so many things to be done they have to be long  
> Okay then lol hope they're not so boring to read xx


	5. Aries

 

 

 

A new approaching year, a new beginning and new resolutions. Soonyoung had been conscious of everyday marking off the end of this year, on tenterhooks for January.

He had been watching Jihoon in the reflection of his phone’s screen for a while now. It struck Soonyoung as weird how Jihoon wasn’t totally indifferent to class. Jihoon would skip many lessons as he wanted, all but literature. Momo mentioned that she suspected that the indifferent Jihoon had actually taken a liking to Hoseok-ssam, him having been their homeroom teacher for the past semester as well as this one. Soonyoung had been on the edge of his seat, waiting for Seonsangnim to leave so he could go and talk to Jihoon. That was one of those times when the need to talk to Jihoon was too unbearable.

And his wish was granted. He walked to Jihoon’s desk amidst the noise of afterschool.

“I don’t have a shift tonight.” Jihoon said, stretching his hand.

“Cool.”

Jihoon got up and they started walking to the school-gate. Soonyoung halted, bit his lips then said, “You can come with me to the flower shop.”

And to Soonyoung’s surprise, Jihoon only nodded, no snide comments no facial reaction, just a simple nod. Then Jihoon passed him by.

“Jihoon,” Soonyoung called. “Yoojung. Aren’t we going to wait for her?” the three of them hadn’t been going to school daily as they had been before, Jungyeon gradually started tagging along with her friend and they went to school together, same applied to returning back. Yet, something didn’t feel right.

Jihoon shrugged. “If you want to wait, we’ll wait.”

Soonyoung didn’t understand that comment, but something told him it would be better for now if they had left.

 

“You are such a great help, Jihoon.” The manager said with a bright smile. “We are somehow understaffed so if you want to work here, I’ll really appreciate it.”

A little boy cut their conversation, he was asking for a pretty bouquet. Jihoon soon moved to put on the lunch-break sign then got back to Soonyoung’s side.

“Is it for your friend?” Soonyoung said, cutting a few roses for the bouquet, trying to be friendly, he always liked young customers, they always had the purest intentions, something that nothing could ever stain.

“Uh-uh.” The kid said with energetic determination. “It’s for my sick mother, she’s finally coming home today.” He added. Soonyoung’s hands froze, he thought they were shaking but after a brief second he focused his shaking gaze and turned to the kid.

Uninvited thoughts came barging in without even knocking. Making him want to be alone, almost getting the feeling of being alone.

He smiled tensely and gave him the bouquet. “Here.”

Even the kid’s expression changed, it looked confused, Soonyoung didn’t want to look to his right, to Jihoon who was probably keenly watching him.

Soonyoung watched him till the kid had left the shop, pretending to be busy with the money, knowing it wouldn’t fool Jihoon. Even after so long the effect on him was still the same. He could still be avidly shaken by that simple word. He could feel his heart getting tighter and tighter, he needed to empty his head, to level his heartbeat.

When he turned around, he almost bumped into Jihoon, he had to take a step back with one foot while the other seemed to be planted in the ground; Jihoon’s effect. Jihoon raised his hand and before Soonyoung knew it he could feel Jihoon’s index and middle fingers touching his jugular vein. Soonyoung panicked at first, then he gulped and tried to focus on not panicking, trying to look at Jihoon’s eyes without feeling the need to avert his gaze, without sweating. The intense pair of eyes kept studying him.

He still couldn’t will his body perfectly, it belonged to his thoughts and his thoughts only. His heart started racing, his eyes felt as if they were burning, the viscous cycle of resonating words, everything seemed dark and he could clearly hear the darkness creeping up on him, he could no longer hold his heart in his chest, he tried so hard to shake off the shivers, to pretend not to be hearing them as they travelled down his spine, as he hoped that wasn’t happening right now.

_Straight to my soul, searching for the last drop of hope, trying to steal it._

He closed his eyes, he could no longer bear that feeling, as if closing his eyes would be of any avail, it wasn’t something corporal, it wasn’t something that could go away by merely dimming your vision. It was something that had always clung to his soul, always lingering there, lurking for the first opportunity to lurch on his heart, trying to eat it away, slowly devouring him, providing the feeling of being at the bottom of the ocean, desperately trying to find air. Everything was so loud but nothing was spoken. Dozens of orders but none was complied. Everything was burning, his vision, his skin, his heart.

Those times when he was fully conscious yet getting the feeling of not being physically there, feeling the void he always tried to avoid, calling to him as steadily and as clearly as his beloved in his dreams. Those times when he wished he would lose consciousness and be over with.

And nothing could ever silence the screams in his head.

“Soonyoung.”

Soonyoung opened his eyes, none of his surroundings had changed, he could feel the symptoms starting to fade. He felt a solitary tear trickling down his cheek, burning. He hadn’t intended to cry. He took a deep breath, noiselessly pleading, silently asking for something he never put to words before.

Jihoon’s hand fell to his side almost the same second Soonyoung’s back hit the wall as he slipped to the floor. He wasn’t crying, he just sat there, looking at Jihoon.

And then there was life making fun of Soonyoung. Out of all the things that could happen, he was hearing Jihoon laugh. A hollow snorting laugh as he, as well, fell to the ground, he sat under the counter, facing Soonyoung, still laughing, relatively calmer. Soonyoung’s expression wrenched, he could see blood splitters mixing with the sounds of chiming bells, he could feel the tinge of glass-shattering being added to the segment.

“There are so many things I wish to tell you…” Soonyoung trailed off when he was just beginning to talk. He didn’t know what to say. Jihoon still looked like the shattered glass Soonyoung pictured, his smile was a masterpiece of sick pain. “So many things I’ve been trying to escape, reality I wanted to outrun, fears I wouldn’t let descend.”

_Too many burdens I wanted to throw away._

Jihoon didn’t speak for a while.

“I can sit here and deliver one of the best speeches known in history.” Jihoon said, directly addressing Soonyoung. “I can tell you all those healing words, I can lie to you and tell you I understand, go as far to say I care.”

Soonyoung flinched.

“But you know what, Soonyoung? There’s one thing I can say, one thing I’m sure of tho.” He paused and for the first time Soonyoung saw something new to his eyes, Jihoon’s expression was adorned with pain, stepping on the tears border. A sweet nonchalance in his tone, rimmed with the eternal sorrowful air about him, akin to desolation. The sadness in his smiling face, the words bottling up in his heart exceeding whatever limit that was never set… all gathering to sound like an unforgettable lamentation.

And Soonyoung always found a way to the beauty of tragedy in everything. Always painting in Jihoon a picture worth a thousand feelings.

“That thin line between sanity and breaking down, yea?” his look now felt as if it were piercing Soonyoung’s soul. “It’s not only I who is using it as a jump rope.” And he let that sink.

And it was Soonyoung’s turn to laugh now. In the first time in a while he got to relish in the taste of a bitter laugh. It was wishfully relieving indeed, no wonder it was one of Jihoon’s frequent laughs.

“You are always overwhelming me.” Soonyoung said, sighing. “Why do I find myself so drawn to you?” he muttered to himself.

“I think I understand. You always bewilder me and I can’t tell why either.” Jihoon responded. Soonyoung lifted his head slowly and looked at Jihoon, who obviously never looked away. “You are too altruistic, ridiculously and foolishly dulcet... harmonious.” He paused. “I never understood you.”

Soonyoung could answer that. Nonetheless, he preferred not to.

“That day when Seokmin and Junhui roughed you up here, I told you that, when I walked away while you were getting hit yet you kept interfering each time things went south for me, almost showing up as if bad shit attracted you. I never did anything for you, even now. Yet you-”

“I told you to let that matter go.”

Jihoon clicked his tongue. He looked at Soonyoung intensely for about a minute then he made a face then a smile took place. And in that a laugh found its way to Soonyoung.

And in that Soonyoung confirmed the fact that even Jihoon could care despite what he often said.

“Isn’t your shift over? Let’s go somewhere, grab a bite or something.” Jihoon suggested.

Soonyoung blinked twice.

Jihoon shook his head then offered his hand. And instantly both of their eyes went wide, almost as if on signal they laughed together. And as if scripted, they both uttered the word ‘ironic’. Soonyoung clasped into Jihoon’s hand, got up and took off his apron.

“Even if I said what I said,” Jihoon said as he was at the door, opening it. “You can talk to me, _venting is good_ remember?”

Both in the same time, Soonyoung’s heart sank and leapt. He smiled warmly and nodded.

He knew that this was the start of something good. He could tell things were slightly changing for them. A brighter silver lining, a stronger ray of hope slipping through the cracks of their friendship.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was raining. Jihoon hated raining nights, they often meant he couldn’t go star-gazing, they obscured everything starting from the sky to his mood. Moreover, his father had a thing for rain.

And right now the two of them were walking together, each using his own umbrella. They had been walking for almost five minutes now, nothing was uttered so far.

When he was asked to go for a walk with him; it was one of those times his father played the good guy, it often meant he wanted something, so Jihoon thought he should be done with it.

“So how are you doing at school?”

“Fine.”

“You’ve to focus, you’ll soon be shaping your career.”

“I know.”

“Is there anything that you want?”

“Nothing.”

His father stopped. “What’s your problem?”

Involuntary reaction: a sneer. His father’s face hardened.

“Why would you assume there’s a problem?” Jihoon asked tonelessly. He always hated moodiness, he hated how his father was on and off. Not only did he strike as a hypocrite –which made Jihoon hit the roof- but much to Jihoon’s chagrin those times could be sometimes genuine. And that, he couldn’t forgive.

“Your mother and I are leaving for a while after new year’s eve.” He announced.

“Why are you taking her?” Jihoon asked sharply.

“She’s my wife, I do whatever pleases me.”

“You do whatever you please with everyone, not only her.” He growled.

“I thought we agreed on something long ago, boy.”

He stopped walking. “Just because you do something then pretend to be amnesiac about it the following day it doesn’t mean we agreed, more or less it doesn’t mean it’s fine.” Jihoon was getting riled up.

He turned to Jihoon, the empty face of nonchalance. “Tell me, no one ever speaks up but you, whom of us do you think is in the wrong?”

“Just because none of them dare complain it doesn’t mean it’s fine.” Jihoon wasn’t finished talking, he didn’t often let his father get that kind of satisfaction, but certain things were unforgivable, and saying that everyone was on cloud nine in that household ruled by the devil himself was one of them. “You know what else it means, _father?_ It doesn’t necessarily imply any of us loves you.”

Jihoon wouldn’t let any chance pass without making that in the explicit. And that itself was enough to make the rest of their journey muted.

 

No sooner had Jihoon stepped in the house than he started heading for his room. One thing caught his attention when he was there, the telescope case wasn’t there. He tried to process the possible scenarios before he darted down. Only Seungcheol was with his parents on the dinner table, paradoxically enough they were laughing. Despite any and every thing this was how they should have been. Seungcheol was the only one _they_ were normal around, the picture perfect.

“He took it.” Jungyeon said. She had just got out of her room. Jihoon growled. She pointed to the sofa, where the case was lying.

“Why are you not down there with them?” he asked.

“I was talking to my boyfriend.” She shrugged.

“Soonyoung?” Jihoon pressed.

She gave him a shrug and went down, walking to the fridge.

He was about to take the case when his father’s voice clearly and calmly _ordered_ to leave it. Jihoon turned to him, the poison starting to fill his heart, reflecting in his eyes.

“I need you to focus on your studies, this is confiscated till you make it to the top ten of your school like before.” He said. Jihoon was studying his surrounding as well as his father. His mom went to the kitchen, Seungcheol tensed a bit, still his smile didn’t go away and Jungyeon was standing next to her mom, eyebrows creased disapprovingly.

His father smirked, he got most annoying when he made of himself an adverse of Jihoon. “Do you have any objections?”

Usually when that question was asked, you were expected to look away and shake your head, or in Jihoon’s case, leave in silence.

_Never the satisfaction._

“Yes. It’s mine, I bought it with my own money and you’ve no right to take it from me.” Jihoon said. There were so many rights that his father didn’t have the right to claim in Jihoon’s perspective.

He heard a cup falling in the kitchen, luckily it was plastic. His mom bent down to take it just as clumsily and as nervously as it had dropped from her hands. He could see Jungyeon’s clenched fist and Seungcheol getting up. The protocol in this family, however, nothing was ever of any use.

“It’s _my_ house. If you don’t like the way I run it, then you had better look for a new residence.” He said firmly. The same goddamn threat. He moved to Jihoon and tried to take the case from him but Jihoon wouldn’t let go.

“Hand it over.” He said menacingly.

“Jihoon.” Seungcheol said, he was now next to his father. “Just do as father asks.”

Jihoon was aware of the plea in Seungcheol’s tone. But he was sick to his stomach of everything.

“He’s only doing this because of earlier.” Jihoon heaved, he was solely talking to Seungcheol. And that was a fatality. Nothing pissed _him_ off more than being referred to while being there, specifically in that insolent tone. It was never deliberate on Jihoon’s part but not understanding was always the thing about their father. When he was young it scared him but as the time passed, he grew indifferent.

The case was yanked away from his hand, it was opened and the telescope fell to the ground. Jihoon looked dismayed as he stared at the broken lens. He could hear Jungyeon’s gasp.

That made the trick.

“What’s wrong with you!” he spat. He was at his limit. They say that people tend to keep repressing till they reach the point of exploding, and the thing that often makes them snap is, in retrospect, a lenient thing. “This house this, this house that, just what the hell do you think I’m clinging to!!” he was gesticulating frantically now. Again Seungcheol was too shocked for words, the two females were better off without having to interfere and his father was starting to show the slightest hints of shock.

“This house! This parody of a family, why do you think I would want to be here?” he kicked the case, he could literally feel the anger in him coursing through his veins, releasing toxins into his arteries. He took a step forward and jabbed a finger in his father’s chest. “You are nothing but a sick psychopath with sadistic tendencies who humanity should disown. A hypocritical robot with no empathy or feelings or morale, a shell of nothing but lies.” He roared.

And then, he was slapped. It was Seungcheol, his chest was heaving and he looked in turmoil.

Jihoon couldn’t process.

Jihoon started laughing hysterically. It lasted for more than a while, Seungcheol started shaking him as he called his name. Jihoon pushed him then said, “Everyone is pretending to be fine, to be normal.” He turned and looked to his mother. “You!” he said accusingly. “You are not the victim here-”

“Jihoon, stop.” Seungcheol said, highly strung.

“Shut up! For once just shut up!” Jihoon held his head, shutting out the nonexistent noise, the noises that lived only inside his head. “She’s at fault, everyone is. You should have divorced him long ago, you should have never been pregnant with us, you shouldn’t have brought us only to cause us so much misery, and you live an illusion.” His mom had been sobbing by the time he was done, Jungyeon was trying to comfort her, she being on the verge of tears herself as she looked at Jihoon with mixed feelings.

He couldn’t bring himself to care. He was a volcano whose eruption was inevitable, spiting its lava blindly, not caring who it hurt, for once he didn’t give two shits about the consequences.

“As for you?” Jihoon said looking at his brother. “Aren’t you sick of your little make believe? You are no better than them, no better than this little missy over there living in denial. Each of you turning a blind eye to everything, fucking bystanders to whatever you don’t like!”

…Didn’t give two fucks about the few people he never wanted to hurt.

He closed the distance to his father. “Tell me, mister chief police, how does it feel to be lying to your colleagues every day about our perfectly content family? Our carefree family? How does it feel to have more than one spiteful face? Don’t you ever feel like spiting at your own reflection?” Jihoon expelled the hate.

If Jihoon ever feared his father, it was when he was silent like that. It was something that was apocalyptically beyond the calm before the storm. But he didn’t care, those words that he always wanted to say, the truth that waited for the anger to be unleashed. His words still echoed in his mind, the aftermaths of his breakdown.

“You think I’m dying to be in this house?” he laughed bitterly. “No, sir, I can’t _wait_ to leave this house. Your insults, her screams, their tears, my anger, just what do you think I am?” he held his head as his eyes went wide open, Jihoon couldn’t contain the anarchy. Anarchy of the situation, anarchy of his mind, anarchy of his life, the entire anarchy of this world, everything defied logic, it defied everything that should be. And only then he didn’t blame Soonyoung for being a peace-loving fool.

“Are you done here?” his father said.

He scoffed. “I’m so done with everyone, _so done._ ” He didn’t recall having said any words before with so much hatred. He pushed his way past the traumatized Seungcheol, making his way quickly to his room.

_A call that should be answered._

 

 

 

 

 

Soonyoung was watching the T.V when he heard Jihoon’s name being called loudly. He thought he was hallucinating as the thunder struck outside, preceded by the omen of a not so very quiet night: lightening. He sat up in the couch and looked through the window, double checking. He saw Seungcheol in the driveway of _their_ house. He quickly got to his feet, feeling Jeonghan’s eyes on him. He was looking at a desperate Seungcheol and a Jihoon who just jumped from his window with a back-pack. They were arguing about something, Jungyeon stood at the door, with puffy eyes. He couldn’t hear them well but he could tell Jihoon was more pissed off than usual and his body language spoke of beastly hostility; even towards _Hyung_.

And it started drizzling.

“Shit!” he cursed and hurried to the door, putting on his shoes.

“Soonyoung!” Jeonghan exclaimed.

“Call Seungcheol-hyung, Cheonsa.” Soonyoung said in a hurry as he closed the door.

 

“Just fuck off, Hyung!” Jihoon said with a finality, catching himself before he pushed Seungcheol who backed away nonetheless, traumatized. Jihoon noticed Soonyoung, he didn’t stop. Soonyoung exchanged a quick look with Jungyeon, she looked away instantly nonetheless, creasing her eyebrows helplessly. Jihoon broke into a run, heading to the woods.

The rain got heavier.

“Jihoon!” Seungcheol and Jungyeon called in sync.

Soonyoung wasted enough time as it is stomping his feet against the wet road as he cursed. Without having to say that he would deal with Jihoon he broke into a run after him, leaving the siblings seeking a shelter from the rain. He hoped Jihoon would have slowed or at least he wouldn’t change his spot in the woods. For a while Soonyoung had been running blindly, following the same route he always took alone to seek Jihoon, or together with Jihoon as they sought solitude and each other’s company in the same time. The rain blurred his vision more than once, getting in his throat as he frantically called for his friend. After about three minutes of frenzied running, Jihoon was back in his field of vision, he started running faster.

It didn’t take long till Soonyoung’s hand was touching Jihoon’s shoulder, spinning him around as his bag fell to the ground.

“Leave!” Jihoon hissed.

“Talk to me.” Soonyoung said, injecting all of his sincere feelings to that one sentence. Jihoon was heaving from the effort and the steam, however, he wasn’t running.

_Hope._

“Just leave me alone, Soonyoung.”

“I’m sorry, but that’s something I can’t do.”

Jihoon was silent, he didn’t seem to calm down nonetheless.

“What happened, talk to me.”

“It’s not something I’m happy recapping.” He paused to intake a deep breath. “Why are you even bothering?”

The breath seemed to have made him even more hostile. Soonyoung didn’t feel calm either, he wished that the cold rain could cool down both of them.

“Why am I bothering?” Soonyoung was hurt by the question.

“I told you millions of times to keep your distance.” Jihoon proceeded, still angry. He picked up his bag and was about to leave. Something in Soonyoung told him this was one of the times one of them, usually Jihoon, turned and expected the other to follow.

But Soonyoung was still stuck in the moment. “Why am I bothering?” he repeated, as if he were a broken record.

For a second Jihoon’s eyes widened, the pained astonishment. Soonyoung was being unfair, but Jihoon himself was no less fair. And it was about time for Jihoon to understand the true nature of that peace-loving fool.

“Sometimes you just piss me off, you know that?” Soonyoung said, trying to keep his tone even.

“Oh yea? Well I’m sorry I don’t live up to your standards.” Jihoon threw the bag with angry resignation.

“What’s wrong with you!”

“What’s not, Soonyoung? Plenty of things are. And guess what? No one cares.” He declared.

“Snap out of it, Jihoon. Since when do you let yourself get so angry?” Soonyoung was still trying to be rational. Someone had to fill that part.

“Why do you care?”

Soonyoung couldn’t take being asked the same question three times. He pushed Jihoon not too roughly. “You are a fool, Jihoon, you should know that. You are a fool who’s too blind to see reality, who in fact won’t accept anything because in reality he’s one of those foolish idealists, and not accepting anything but the ideal, you accept nothing at all. And your reality sucks and you can’t accept it.” Soonyoung was getting pissed off.   
“Even then. I’ve accepted you, I’m your friend and yet you ask me why I care!” Soonyoung hissed when he got no adequate response from Jihoon.

“You know what. I agree with you, I’m scum. I don’t deserve you or anyone, so please fuck off and leave me alone. You go back to your perfect reality and leave my pitiful being alone.”

Soonyoung hated this, he hated fighting, he hated how resigned both of them were with each other, he hated their egos and he hated how miscommunications would ruin them.

He grabbed Jihoon by the collar, adding to the list of things he hated but having to resort to them: violence.

“Listen to me, I’ve been trying to show you for months now. I’m not as affable as you think. And you don’t get to mock my life or yours. Just because we suffer differently it doesn’t mean we should belittle each other’s pain.” Soonyoung was still being nice by not voicing the exact words.

Jihoon smirked. “I like to play the victim, I’m not as selfless as you are, and I’m not as caring or loving as you are. This is you and this is me. So leave me be already.”

“Goddammit Jihoon, this is not about me here!”

Jihoon jerked off Soonyoung’s hands and said, “It is. You are not obliged to deal with me or my bullshit or my teenage drama.”

Soonyoung flinched, face sinking into obvious hurt. “I never said that.”

“I never accused of saying so.” He paused, then his face softened. “Really, Soonyoung, walk the fuck away and I wouldn’t blame you, I’ve said it a million of times. I can’t care about you when I’m so self-absorbedly dwelling in my own pain and I can’t allow myself to be indebted to you.”

Which was more painful, Jihoon asking him why he cared or thinking of him in that light?

“Jihoon, why do you think I’m friends with you?” Soonyoung’s cartridge was being drained.

He sneered.

Soonyoung flinched, he could feel his chest tightening.

“You don’t know-”

Soonyoung cut him, “Don’t you dare say I know nothing about you.” He slammed Jihoon’s chest lightly. He looked away, Soonyoung was right, he couldn’t deny that.

“I believe that even though we haven’t known each other for long that I know you better than anyone. A person can look into one’s eyes and feel the breadth of their soul more than they can speak in years.” Soonyoung paused, hoping he had somehow shaken Jihoon. “And I, Jihoon, have been doing nothing but stare into your eyes, searching in your soul.”

Jihoon looked away, blinking the rain away. He never looked away. “It doesn’t matter anyway.” He said and turned away.

“Fuck it, Jihoon! I’m tired of this, I can chase you forever, that much I promise to do, but stop shutting me out, for once confide me in.” Soonyoung screamed, lost, feeling like a frizzle under the rain.

Jihoon spun to him quickly. “The thing that pisses me off most is that you are still clinging to this as if your life depended on it. Open your eyes, Soonyoung, despite everything you do for me, I can’t do the tenth of it for you.”

“That’s not true.” Soonyoung said with conviction he didn’t know he had. He could feel the beads of rain on his quivering lips.

“It is. I don’t know the first thing about you-” Jihoon was screaming.

“Then I’ll tell you, I promised I would be here for long, remember?” Soonyoung was getting calmer.

“It doesn’t matter. That’s what you don’t understand, Soonyoung. That’s what I’ve been taught the hard way and you still didn’t even experience.”

Soonyoung took a step forward. “You teach me that and I’ll teach you how to love.” He still didn’t wipe any of the rain-drops, letting it blur his vision, they were probably the only thing keeping him from crying.

“Wake up! I’d never be there for you, I know myself, there’s nothing you can gain from sticking to me. I meant it when I said I don’t deserve you or anyone else.”

“That’s my choice, you are not entitled to tell me what to do or how to feel.” Soonyoung said steadily. He had never been that friendly, he loved harmony and amity, it was because he loved them that he would take any measures to make sure they existed.

“Fuck it!” Jihoon said and turned away.

Soonyoung grabbed his shoulder and Jihoon shrugged it off.

“Dammit! Let me in, Jihoon, what do I’ve to do to earn your trust, I’m at my wits’ end. I don’t know what else to do … fuck it, you still hasn’t answered my question, why do you think I’m here?” he stopped talking, catching his breath, through the rain he could see Jihoon’s back. He stopped walking. “It’s because I-”

“Stop.” Jihoon said. He turned to him and smiled. That kind of smiles you want to wipe off because they are so painful to look at. “Stop.” He repeated.

He walked towards Soonyoung, holding the back of his neck. “I would rather you hate me, I’ll make sure you hate me so you don’t…” but Jihoon never finished his sentence, he smiled. He wiped the drops of rain from Soonyoung’s eyelids and smiled one last time.

And before Soonyoung could get back to finishing his former sentence he felt a smarting pain his forehead then his vision grew dim, he only got to feel the impact of falling to the ground before he was out cold.

Remembering only the sentence that petered out to oblivion.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Are you going to keep on standing there for long?” Jihoon asked. He was lying on his back on the sofa, watching the drops of rain as they impinged upon the glass-window, not having the chance to slip down as they were followed by plenty of other weeping drops, staining the window with their rythmatical gentle beat, watering everything in hope of making the rigid malleable, everything but one thing that refused to soften. He was filling his lungs with the smell of rain mingled with specks of dust that still lingered in the air, a smell which he hated.

He pulled out one of his earphones, hearing the footsteps approaching, a shadow spreading just after the lights had been turned on, announcing a serious talk. He didn’t spin or turn around; he waited till his intruder was standing in front of the window, blocking the view.

That shadow that belonged to none but the owner of the house, none but Jihoon’s very own homeroom teacher.

“Jihoon.”

“Wonho.” Jihoon countered.

“He had come to see me today.” Hoseok-ssam, Wonho, said, his voice apathetically deep, he was the only person who could adapt such a tone. The thing that Jihoon liked the most about his teacher was how he was capable of pretending to be nice despite his true nature, a nature that Jihoon was able to spot and had been familiarizing himself with for the past eight days.

“Hyung?” Jihoon asked rhetorically, not pausing what he was listening to. Wonho lit a cigarette and started inhaling, solely focusing his eyes on Jihoon who was, in turn, studying his Seonsangnim just as intently.

“Kwon Soonyoung.” He let that sink. That jarred Jihoon a bit, there was a reason why the majority of his questions were rhetorical, it was because he seldom spoke when he wasn’t sure he was dead on. Wonho moved and sat on the arm of the sofa, not looking at Jihoon, he seemed to be enjoying the smoke.

And it was about time Jihoon’s ears perked up. He pulled out both of the earphones.

“I could lose my job for what I’m doing, Jihoon.”

Jihoon tsk’d. But the supremacy of rationalism kicked in. “Why did he come to _you_?”

Wonho looked at Jihoon and narrowed his eyes, a playful smirk on his lips. “Are you really that blind to how you are acting or you are simply too stupid when things fall down to _you_?”

Jihoon’s chest tightened, however, he said nothing.

“Let me take your hand and lead you out of the darkness.” He exhaled and held the cigarette with his fingers then proceeded. “A lone wolf who had the fortune to befriend a guy who does nothing in life but read people’s emotions. The lone wolf’s voice is something heard very little, he has a tendency to avoid everyone but he doesn’t avoid that one teacher as much as he avoids everyone else. What do you think the reader guy would do?”

And that was sarcasm. Jihoon didn’t like it when the tables were turned against him, Wonho always found a way to do so. A small part of Jihoon refused to deny he chiefly liked Wonho because of that.

He didn’t speak for a while, almost let Wonho finish his smoke.

“What did he want?”

“You. Obviously.” He stubbed it out.

Jihoon gave him a sharp look then narrowed his eyes. “I thought you liked being at that school, if you are so keen on losing your job I’m sure I can find a way to facilitate the process, Wonho.” There was genuine malice in his voice which Wonho didn’t miss.

Wonho got up and walked the small distance till he was standing in front of Jihoon. “Seungcheol, I was with him the next day you stormed out of your house, do you have any idea how he looked?”

“If you are so concerned you could have done something instead of holding your ground for eight days, _Seonsangnim_.” Jihoon’s obstinate habit of not wanting to lose in any aspect always provided those kinds of replies.

He got to his knees and held Jihoon by the shoulder. “Listen to me,” and suddenly the gentleness Jihoon knew wasn’t the only side of Wonho, surfaced, and he was once again stuck in a memory that belonged to a year earlier. “Seungcheol and I … I wouldn’t lose him for anything in the world-”

“He’s seeing someone.” He was firm.

Wonho didn’t miss a beat. “I know and I don’t care. We were never like that, why are you implying such?”

And Jihoon made a mistake of looking away. Wonho’s hand reached for Jihoon’s face, tenderly turning it back to face him, his eyes melting into affection as Jihoon subsided. “You’ve to go back, Jihoon. You have to face everyone; you’ve to have a moment of honesty with yourself.”

The tightening sensation amplified.

“I love you, okay? You’ll always be my bestfriend’s younger brother.” He said assertively as he held his cheek and looked reassuringly into Jihoon’s eyes, as if he were a child who needed to confirm some facts. He closed his eyes and was about to touch Jihoon’s forehead with his own but Jihoon spoke.

“I can’t take it anymore.” Jihoon sounded like the silence on his part was sucking the breath out of him, slowly killing him. “It’s becoming way over my head-” Jihoon had to shut up when Wonho started shaking his head, his eyes compassionate.

“I’m not the one who should hear that, Jihoon.”

Jihoon looked at his homeroom teacher with tangled feelings. Somehow he felt relieved he was stopped from saying anything, and a not-so-small part of him was overcome by _that_ feeling; the absence of a sense of belonging as he looked at Wonho.

_Something is missing._

He got up and sat next to him on the sofa. “I went to your house, that’s when I saw your brother almost getting in a fight with your father. Seungcheol’s hands were already full, he had just finished what looked like an affliction between the person I assume he’s seeing.” Wonho paused to let out a dry laugh, he wasn’t bitter over Seungcheol, it was something else. It was true, Jihoon never felt that kind of feelings being held towards Seungcheol on Wonho’s part. “Guess you two are more similar than either of you thought.”

Jihoon didn’t speak for a while, he had enough grace to let Wonho be alone with his thoughts. It was good for Jihoon as well, it gave him enough time to manage the suffocation.

“You are not going to listen to me?” Rhetorical.

“I am not.” He shook his head with a warm smile.

“You never asked why it was you and not any other teacher.”

“I never needed to.”

Jihoon smiled a bit. It felt foreign on his lips, in the past week not a single smile reached his lips.

“You are not as nice as you make people believe, Wonho.”

“I don’t care as long as I have a student who calls me by my given name.” He laughed. Jihoon let him finish. “I’m going out at dawn, I won’t be back till night fall the next day, if you are still here I won’t have to take any course of actions because Seungcheol is coming back with me, he’ll see for himself.” He got up and started walking to the door. He turned off the lights and held the door knob.

Just as Jihoon was going to call out for him, he turned around; walking back, lightening from outside the window lit Wonho’s face for as long as the lightening lasted, then it was complete darkness. He felt Wonho’s hand on his shoulder, his breath against his ear. “There is also a reason why you’ve always been my favourite student, Jihoon. Something many strived for, but it was you.” He whispered. Jihoon turned his face, knowing fully well that he was risking intimacy he couldn’t afford.

His head was slowly being pushed to the back of the sofa, Wonho’s hand on his forehead pushing back his hair, he could see his irises glistening in the dark, the way his head was pushed was painful and he was hearing Wonho’s shifty and mellowish voice in his ear.

“I see emptiness when I look at you. I see myself. But I don’t see you in my shoes ten years from now. Remember that.” He said then backed away but not fully, lingering for a while next to Jihoon’s ear, not letting go of his forehead either.

It took him ten seconds to let go, seventeen till he heard the door click and nineteen before he heard Wonho’s voice one last time, shouting something that was followed by a loud laugh.

Something that went deeper than it sounded, but only one sentence he had ;said haunted Jihoon that night.

_‘It’s not I who should listen.’_

 


	6. Taurus

 

 

 

Soonyoung was playing with his pencil under the lamplight, making shadows in which he got lost in thought staring at. The sky was tar-black and he was locked in his room. He was thinking –not for the first time- about how things unfolded; how it was the thirtieth of December and his new year resolutions were shaking.

He could still see the image of Seungcheol in his mind as he stayed one night with Jeonghan. It didn’t differ much from the last time he stayed over. He could still smell Jungyeon’s perfume as she kissed him the day following Jihoon’s abandon, her weak smiles each time she was with him. He could clearly hear Junhui’s and Seokmin’s voices spreading rumors in the school.

_The empty desk two desks behind._

He could hear everyone’s voices as they dropped when a subject related to Jihoon was struck up. He could still feel the very faint sunlight spreading across his face as he lied in the woods, his clothes not wholly dry. The cold he had caught was a constant reminder that he had failed to retrieve Jihoon that night and how everyone was paying for that. Even Jeonghan was affected.

And he was content his father wasn’t home to witness all that, he wouldn’t want to imagine that scenario. It was bad enough as it was.

Something hit his window, he was shaken and looked at the window, waiting, thinking he might have imagined that. But a few seconds later, the window was hit once more with what Soonyoung thought might be a pebble.

_Jihoon._

His heart suddenly elated, hoping against hope it was him. He hurried to the window and opened it. Jihoon was standing in their yard with his bag and another outfit other than the one he had last seen him in. His hands were in his pockets as he glanced sideways then looked up, the street lamp was the only illumination befalling on his face.

“Jihoon!” Soonyoung whispered happily. A loud whisper that should be heard.

Jihoon signaled a hush with his finger then he looked at the window in the first storey. Soonyoung suddenly didn’t like what Jihoon was considering. Jihoon lifted his bag, pointed at himself then at Soonyoung with his chin.

And after nine days, Jihoon still wouldn’t go home.

Soonyoung started recalling the events of the nights. But he quickly pushed them aside and pressed his lips into a sorry line. Jeonghan would never let Jihoon in their house and Jeonghan was still awake. He gestured for Jihoon to wait then he closed the window and snuck out of his room.

If Jihoon was to get in their house, Soonyoung had to work out something quickly.

He looked at the circuit breaker panel next to the main door then at the landline phone. He reached for his mobile phone, pressed the numbers of their home but didn’t dial, instead he put it in his pocket then headed for the fridge. He double checked Jeonghan wasn’t looking as he slipped a lighter in his pocket.

“Didn’t you just make a cup of coffee?” Jeonghan asked from the couch, studying some papers in a tired manner.

“I, erm,” he begun, his plan was working. “I might have accidently spilled it.” He smiled shyly.

He put down his papers and looked reproachingly at his brother. Jeonghan hated nothing more than anything close to him getting dirty.

He took a deep breath then said, “Did you clean it up?”

“On it. I just need to make another one.”

Jeonghan got up and in a few seconds he was looking for a rag of dry cloth, big brother always cleaning up after younger brother, not that Soonyoung was clumsy. Just when he was at the stairwell did Soonyoung press dial from his pocket. Jeonghan told him to pick the phone up. He quickly went to the phone, it wouldn’t take long before Jeonghan discovered he had been lied to. Soonyoung opened the breaker panel and the door simultaneously as he heard his own room’s door being opened. He flipped the first row of breakers off quickly then the one beneath it, and then he had his power outage.

“Soonyoung?” Jeonghan called from up there but he was already heading out to the yard.

“Stay up there, I’ll bring the torch.” Soonyoung shouted then he was standing in front of Jihoon. Jeonghan always hated the dark.

“Did you do that?” Jihoon asked with a lifted eyebrow.

“Just get in there quickly.” He said ushering him inside then closing the door.

He lit up the lighter. “I’m coming, I think we are the only house with no electricity.”

“Smooth.” Jihoon snickered. If Soonyoung had enough time for such leisure he would have shot Jihoon a look for his snide comment.

“Take the stairs up and stay to my left, Jihoon-” Soonyoung was instructing as he headed for the stairs, playing with the lighter as if he weren’t the one turning it on and off.

“I’m not stupid, I’ll manage.”

Soonyoung didn’t question that. He was in his room, his lighter on. “I couldn’t find the torch, sorry.” He said. “Let’s check the circuit panel.” And he gestured for the door.

Jeonghan sighed and mumbled a few objections as he walked to the door. Soonyoung followed him down there, not daring to glance at Jihoon. But he could tell the latter had successfully snuck into his room.

“Who was it on the phone?” Jeonghan asked casually as he worked with the panel.

“No one. I think they should be facing upwards, Jeonghan.” Soonyoung pointed with his free hand to the breakers. And once again Jeonghan was giving one of _those_ looks. His mood has been really bad lately that he has been down in the dumps, silently cranky too. He flipped them open just as Soonyoung closed the lighter with a snap, cutting the air supply.

“That was weird.” He said with a smile. “I’ll go finish my homework then sleep. You should too, you are starting to have eye-bags.”

Jeonghan smiled at his brother warmly and nodded. “Goodnight.”

 

“You could have come up with something simpler, Soonyoung.” Jihoon said as soon as Soonyoung shut the door and leaned on it, sighing with relief.

“Nice to see you too, Jihoon.” Soonyoung said. He meant it.

He sat on his spinning chair and watched Jihoon intently for a minute before he spoke. He was sitting cross legged on Soonyoung’s bed, looking indifferently at him as if they were together just a few hours ago.

There were plenty of things he needed to ask but he started with the one question he cared least about. “Aren’t you going home?”

Surprisingly, Jihoon replied without a sneer or a scoff. “Maybe tomorrow. Just let me crash in for a while.”

“Where have you been?” Soonyoung pressed.

“Somewhere.”

Soonyoung wanted to sigh for the rest of his life. Jihoon asked him a question before he could say anything. “Does your brother always knock?”

“Always, yes.” Soonyoung said, spinning with his chair till he had reached at the other end of the bed, directly looking at Jihoon who lied down, basically slamming his body and burying the back of his head into Soonyoung’s mattress.

“Hyung…” Jihoon said, his eyes shut.

“Yes.” Soonyoung paused. “I don’t want you to leave, Jihoon. But you can’t stay for long either. You should have seen how he’s been for the past week. Everything has been a mess.”

He stopped. He didn’t feel like taking about it, it always found a way to squeeze his lungs free of air, resulting in shackled tears, bounded by his eyelids and imprisoned by proud feelings of affection. It still pained him to remember the way Jungyeon kissed him. That was the second time she did it. And each time of the two he hated it because of Jungyeon’s reasons. The expression she made, it hit him strongly, like a punch to his gut; painfully reminding him of her other half.

“I’ve been worried.” Soonyoung couldn’t find a better way to say it. It wasn’t expressive enough, nothing ever would be. He decided that his only chance of not being deprived of all forms of answers was to solely study Jihoon’s face although he would so rarely show anything. And his shut eyelids flung wide open; staying like that for a while before they slowly got back to the bored heavy-lids. Soonyoung’s heartbeat steadily syncing with each move of the seconds-hand.

“Thanks.” Jihoon said. And contrary to everything that made sense, that didn’t hurt Soonyoung. But it didn’t negate the reality of their situation, it didn’t take away the wrongness of the situation or falsified the feeling.

“Something is wrong with you.”

“I’m tired, Soonyoung, I really am.”

Soonyoung had to get up at the sentence. He sat on bed next to Jihoon, trying to catch his gaze. The way he said that one sentence, it was akin to how _I’ve been worried_ said more than it should convey. For once Soonyoung hoped that Jihoon was trying to convey the full magnitude of his feelings. He wanted to touch him so bad, the way he always wanted to assure someone. Even though this time was different, nothing could be assured, nothing was a constant and nothing was right. His hand hesitated over Jihoon’s shut eyelids, they squinched a bit. He pulled back his hand.

“Why won’t you let me in?” he asked resignedly, watching Jihoon’s eyes flinch. “I promise I’ll always be there for you.” Soonyoung was deliberately letting each word sink in. “Show me your heart.” He finally added, too desperately.

Jihoon turned around and faced the wall. Soonyoung could literally feel his heart ache, the air was suddenly thick and his heart felt as though it would burst with emotion.

“If you entered my heart you would feel bad for me.” He muttered after a while.

Who knew if Jihoon hadn’t spoken just then, who knew what kind of bottoms Soonyoung wouldn’t hit, what kind of stones he would break himself against or most importantly whose shore his wrecked ship wouldn’t seek. As rejoiced as he was at Jihoon’s words, he couldn’t yet rejoice altogether. Which was worse, Jihoon not speaking out his heart, or him actually voicing his feelings?

“Something is off about you.” Soonyoung said, lying in bed as well, watching Jihoon’s back.

“I don’t like myself much right now.” Soonyoung knew he needn’t press; it was time for Jihoon to speak. “I’m growing too dependent on you, too needy.”

It suddenly took every fiber in Soonyoung’s body to boost his self-restrain. Jihoon suddenly turned and reached over Soonyoung for the night lamp and turned it off. Soonyoung could swear Jihoon’s hands lingered above his head more than they should. He was suddenly back to face the wall, the indication that their conversation was over. Something Soonyoung didn’t mind, he could hear his heart thumping in his ear, and he needn’t hear anything else. That alone was more than enough. That alone could alleviate the pain of his new resolution, that one sentence that fortified all his might.

 

\----

 

New Year’s Eve was afew hours away. It was the weekend and it was almost time to party. It was also the first time in years that Soonyoung wouldn’t be spending the night with his family; his father still hadn’t come back and Soonyoung told Jeonghan he could spend it with his colleagues when he told him his friend was going through a hard break-up. Furthermore, it wasn’t like Soonyoung would be grieving.

He had been staring at Jihoon’s sleeping face for the past five minutes, literally studying each minute detail in his faultless looks. Trying to recall last night’s courage. He was glad it was the weekend, he would let Jihoon sleep and hopefully come back to have him still there.

All that remained was to cross the street.

 

“I was just coming over.” Jungyeon shouted from across the street. She was slowly regaining her liveliness. “I’ve good news, Hoshi.” She said, throwing her scarf over her shoulder.

“Join the club.” He said with a smile once she was in their yard. “How’s everything?”

“Same old story.” She said with a sigh. “Everyone is avoiding the subject, what saddens me most is how Seungcheol looks. I’ve been trying to reassure him but I myself lack the required conviction. It’s all to no avail.” She paused to sigh again. “I would give anything to have him back.”

She looked up to meet Soonyoung’s smiling eyes.

“Don’t get the wrong idea, but why do you look so happy?” She asked.

“Want to come in first?” Soonyoung gestured over his shoulder. “This needs to have you seated.”

She narrowed her eyes and said, “I was actually hoping you would accompany me today. It’s been so long since our last date and everything is so stressful and I just…” she trailed off.

It was the first punch to his guts, guaranteed not to be the last for that fateful epilogue of his seventeenth book signed by the years.

He tried not to force a pathetic sad smile and entered the house. “Trust me; you are going to like this. Well, part of it.”

She stepped in and held her arms defensively in front of her body. “Something tells me it’s not all good news, Hoshi.”

Soonyoung pressed his lips into a thin line. “Jihoon is up there.” He gestured to his room as he leaned on one of the kitchen chairs. “Sleeping.” He added quickly as Jungyeon digested the new information. She was speechless.

“You fucking jerk,” she hit him, not too lightly, “How long? Why didn’t you text me?”

“Sshh, would you keep it down? I don’t want to wake him up.” Soonyoung pulled his body backward, avoiding her punches.

“Then take a walk with me.”

He shot her a look.

“I can’t believe this, you are a traitor. I’ve been worrying my ass out while he was in your room.” She gesticulated fanatically in the air as she walked back and forth as if explaining to herself the situation.

“Calm down, he only came here last night.”

“Then where was he?”

That was a good question indeed. He shrugged.

“Then never mind, but next time when something like that happens make sure you text me, he’s my _brother_ you jerk.”

He smiled warmly at her.

“So basically I spent my night thinking about how he wouldn’t be there for New Year’s Eve while he was so close. With _my_ boyfriend. Isn’t that ironic?” she said with a stressed out smile then her expression changed. Probably a result of seeing Soonyoung’s face.

She looked at him then laughed dryly. She looked at the ceiling then at him again. “Is it about time?”

Soonyoung usually wouldn’t have wanted to look at her, but it was out of the limitations of his ‘desires’ now. To him, this was about doing what he thought was right. So he looked into her eyes and tried not to make a sad face, it could only worsen the situation. He nodded.

“I don’t get it, we were having so much fun.”

“We were fooling around, Yoojung, this is how it started.” He said firmly, yet not emotionless.

“And it doesn’t mean it should end this way.” She said in a low tone as she closed the distance in two long, quick strides.

“We’ve always been friends, there’s nothing in _us_ but friendship, I don’t want to tie you down.” He had rehearsed the speech so many times in his mind, yet the real thing was something entirely different.

“This is not about me.” She said. Calmer than ever. She never lost it to begin with.

“It’s not, no. I’m sorry.”

She sighed, held her temples and smiled. She didn’t speak for a while. “I really liked you. For what it’s worth.”

“I should have told you earlier, I never got the occasion to,” Soonyoung said, biting his lips, it wasn’t something he trained to say but it was something he must say, he owed her as much. “We can go back to square one, we can still hang out and all. We did nothing.”

“Please cut to the chase, Hoshi.” She said with tired eyes. “I’m not bitter, but I at least have the right to know why. Knowing you, you must have a very strong reason to…” she would not let herself finish the sentence and it didn’t call for a genius to know it would have ended with _to hurt me._

“Yoojung, I’ve never been interested in girls _that_ way.” He said slowly, not meeting her eyes at first. Then he was looking at a thunder-struck Jungyeon. She stopped moving, her eyebrows could touch her hairline if they were more escalated and she seemed to have stopped functioning altogether.

“If … ummm,” she started stuttering, unable to form speech as she got back to her walking back and forth. “Then, um, why did you go out with me in the first place?”

It was rhetorical, and Soonyoung made the mistake of looking away. He didn’t expect that line and he was caught off guard and he had made a fatal mistake.

It didn’t take Jungyeon long before she started her _oh god_ ’s, as if in a mantra. “Soonyoung you FOOL!” she emphasized, her voice finally losing its composure, he could hear the word echo not only in his mind but also in the house. She could literally chew him out right now. She stood in front of him, one of her hands was on her waist while the other was holding her temples, her eyes still in shock.

“Breaking up with me was one thing, but this, _this,_ ” she gestured around her, “I don’t think I can ever forgive you for that.” her chest was heaving, he couldn’t tell whether it was anger or pain, nonetheless it would soon turn into its physical liquid form: tears. And that was a kick in his balls and not a punch in the guts.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered. It was all he could manage.

“I can’t approve of this.” She shook her head and headed for the door. “It’s I who is sorry.” It was the last thing she said, taking all her pride to keep herself together. And so she left the house.

 

Soonyoung looked at the ground, studying the floor, feeling the weight of his own tears burdening his shoulder and bowing down his head. He threw a glance at his bedroom’s door just as it was being opened. And Soonyoung was left alone to deal with Jihoon’s expressionlessness.

“Why did you fight?” he asked flatly.

Soonyoung shrugged sadly. He wanted to apologize but it was at the risk of Jihoon being aggravated. “An argument that words alone can’t solve, I guess.” He was astonished at the truth that came flowing from his lips.

“Why didn’t you chase after her then?”

“How long have you been awake, Jihoon?” Soonyoung asked, colder than he should.

“Not enough for me to know the cause.” He jumped the stairs. “I know it takes a lot to make Jungyeon shout a word.”

Soonyoung walked till he was facing Jihoon. “She had been through a lot.”

“I didn’t hear tears. If she didn’t cry then it was grave.”

“Or maybe it was nothing.” Soonyoung knew he was lying but he couldn’t dare losing both of them.

“Are you stupid, Soonyoung? I’m telling you if she lost her cool and shouted without getting physical or crying then she must have hit the bottom. What did you say to her?” He stretched out each syllabus of his question, as if Soonyoung was the stupidest person on Earth. At that instant, Soonyoung wouldn’t have denied being so.

He looked away. Remembering that night when Jungyeon first kissed him, remembering what Jihoon had said.

“Tsk. Forget it. I’ll ask her myself.”

Soonyoung instinctively caught Jihoon by the shoulder, panicking on the inside but he tried to make his coldness overcome the heat of the argument. It was the second time in his life he didn’t want to feel anything. “It wouldn’t be such a good idea to seek her right now. You probably wouldn’t find her either.”

Jihoon looked at him steadily. “I get to say that, let go, Soonyoung.”

“Take my word on it, you are the last person she wants to see right now.” Soonyoung said and pulled back his hand. He wasn’t sure which of them she had her strong feelings directed towards right now, her twin or their friend?

Soonyoung stood doing nothing as he watched Jihoon go up to the room, he waited till he had appeared at the door with his bag and watched his back till it disappeared.

He wasn’t sure either if Jihoon was cross with him or simply being himself.

Whichever it was, it would not take long before they were both taken to the first uncertainty.

 

 

 

****

 

 

He didn’t have to knock the door, he could clearly see Soonyoung from the patio where he stood; standing against the door frame.

Indecisive about whether or not Soonyoung had been standing like that since he left him in the morning, he threw a quick glance at Soonyoung who had just put his phone back into his pocket, wearing a weird expression.

He started heading to the nearby river, his thoughts rattling around in his mind as he walked.

He didn’t stop till he reached the bridge over the lake.

No sooner did he stop than Soonyoung appeared. And before either of them knew it, Soonyoung and he, both, slid against the barrier, sitting on the grass as if they both had planned it beforehand. The former staring at the blank space in front of him, the latter trying to reach the point at which his mind can become detachable, the time when he found his temporary sanity in the vilest of sanctuaries known to him.

“Why did she break up with you?” Jihoon asked, not letting his confusion creep into his voice.

“It’s kind of a funny story.” Soonyoung said letting out laugh cut short in spite of its lack of humour. “She didn’t tell you?”

“She wouldn’t tell me anything.” A pause, trying to process the past fifteen minutes and the almost-replicated fifteen minutes in the morning, trying to find some hidden lie or some unspoken truth in his sister’s calm manner, finding a light to shed on the subject, a light that couldn’t be found because everything was already too bright yet he was still struggling to see clearly.

“So…” Soonyoung started, not throwing a single glance at Jihoon, still too focused, it seemed weird, catastrophically off. “She broke up with me,”

“Go on.”

“We never dated, Jihoon. It was about time it happened.”

Jihoon didn’t know what to say. Jungyeon had a lot of quirkiness in her, but that kind of manipulation seemed like news to him.

“I’m a free man.” He added as if to soften the blow.

“You were never shackled to begin with.” Jihoon’s lips moved before he knew what he was saying. Surprising himself twice.

They sat in silence. Seconds of one digit, the seconds stretched to minutes. Neither of them did as much as glance at the other. They only watched people coming by to watch the first offspring of the fireworks. Listening to their crackle in the moonless sky.

 Jihoon didn’t know what to say, he had too much on his plate, he refused to deal with anything more than what was already there for the time being. The resignation was closing up on him offering the prison he loved till not so long ago. Now it just magnified his asphyxiation.

“What’s wrong with you?” Soonyoung was the first to break.

He wouldn’t answer at first. He gave it a long thought before he spoke but Soonyoung’s hesitant lips made him reconsider.

“I can tell you a lot of things right now, I can try and speak my piece and say plenty of unpracticed heart-felt speeches, but you’ll just sell me that crap, I don’t know what to do, Jihoon, I truly don’t.”

Jihoon looked at Soonyoung. He saw some kind of embracive apprehension, some familiarity, almost a safety. Soonyoung was suddenly smiling bitterly, Jihoon’s eyes were seeing a new sight, but somehow, deep down, he knew it wasn’t _only_ familiar to him. And then he spoke, words he didn’t want to say, “I told you I’m tired.”

And for a minute, they gaze-locked. Speechlessness, wrong, not coldness and not compassion either. The state of a stateless mind. He was at the point where he didn’t know whether it was a lie. It was also the point where he knew he should wake up, wake up to various realities, those which he knew he had been ignoring and those he hadn’t.

“What’s wrong with _you_?” And that was his first reality.

“Everything.” Soonyoung’s lips curled upward, reflecting the bitterness his tone lacked. Natural course of action would have been Jihoon laughing. Words so full-scale always made him sardonic; words like always, forever, never, everything, anything, nothing … those words that could provide insecurity as well as safety.

He blinked. Twice.

For a second Soonyoung looked away then said, “Jihoon,” he bit his lips, they quivered ever the slightest as he gazed into Jihoon’s eyes, the mere gesture calling forth a near panic-attack on Jihoon. “Why do you have to be so cold-blooded?”

At that question, he almost lost himself. He almost felt as everything was summed up in the sentence ‘to no avail’, that it had always been quicksand beneath him and not a solid ground as he visualized to himself. For some reason, he reasoned it was pain, his chest tightened and he felt what he knew must be the lump in the back of his throat. Being asked the same question twice by the same person, yet the reaction differed by worlds apart. He could think of a million answer, he wanted to cut his chest as to let Soonyoung see through him more than he already did, saving him the words he couldn’t say. Millions of thoughts all coming at once, as if his brain had a malware, he couldn’t reply, he just blinked more than the average rate, he avoided Soonyoung’s eyes more than once and gulped almost as many times as he looked away.

It was as if all his life there had never been a good thing or a good person to him. As if he had been that person who exited and didn’t exist all the same and then it hit him. He fixed his eyes on Soonyoung, it proved to be a harder task than it ought to be.

“I,” it was ominous, he never hesitated before he spoke, “There’s that feeling, I didn’t notice how powerful it had been, but it’s been there.” A pause. “I was a spectator of my own life, I killed my soul, blurred my senses and let my feet and what’s left in my sanity lead me on.”

It hit stronger than a meteor would hit earth, clearer than any cloudless summer-night. The familiarity that had always been there; the familiarity that had always been _theirs_. The so different yet so alike, the one thing that made him stick along till that very moment. It wasn’t only a healing power Soonyoung had by his mere presence, there was a deeper, a more vicious entity tagging along, itching for the first chance a crack occurs to take over, that entity that made Soonyoung lonely yet it kept both of their companies when he was with Soonyoung.

As if to strengthen his fortifying belief, Soonyoung said, “Everything is coming apart…” he trailed off, his left hand covering his face.

“And I’m hanging by a thread,” Jihoon finished the sentence. Realizing what he should have known long before. Neglecting the reason behind Soonyoung’s words, neglecting the reason behind his sudden openness and Soonyoung’s sudden melancholy, dealing with one thing at a time.

Pain.

Soonyoung was smiling again. He said a sentence the same time Jihoon thought it:

_I want to cry._

And as to which was sadder, Jihoon didn’t know. Was it sad how much he was losing himself, or why he was losing it? Maybe it was because he couldn’t get a grip on everything like usual that he felt the melancholy depicted in Soonyoung’s tone.

Thinking along with that train of thoughts, Jihoon was handed a small piece to align with plenty of missing pieces in hope that eventually they will form an answer. The small piece was him noticing the tone.

“Do me a favour,” Soonyoung said quickly, getting a hold on himself, trying to betray his whim of needing to cry, his hand slid on top of Jihoon’s, the intensity of his situation and the mass of his thoughts screening the jarring effect of the physical contact. He turned slightly to him, “Promise me one thing,” it was hopeful yet the pleading tone was irrefutable.

Jihoon didn’t know what to say, he hated being committed, he hated lying. His hesitation prevailed.

He proceeded nonetheless. “Promise me we’ll never grow apart.”

It was a bombshell being dropped on him. It made him queasy and for the first time in years, he got that fearsome feeling, the dreadfulness and awareness of all the mischief in the world.

“Say, Soonyoung, if the world was to come down this instant, would you stay here?” he said after counting to twenty in his head, mainly to calm himself, only succeeding in doing so in the last half the interval when Soonyoung broke eye-contact, but it was also because in the last two seconds he chose between the two options of things to say.

“…what kind of questions is that?” he asked, not baffled at all.

_Honesty._

“A desperate one.”

“By here, you mean with you. And my answer … it takes us to a different level.” He pushed back his hair and said, “I’d not think twice, Jihoon. I wouldn’t waste a second to think about my answer. But I’m afraid there’s a question I’ve to ask you before I give you my answer.” His eyes had the commiserating compassion burning alive within them.

And Jihoon was, for who knew which time, alarmed.

“Jihoon, are we close?”

Luckily, his reply was painted on his face before it came to words. The shock on his face then his mouth opening only to say “… idiot!” he closed his eyes. “If you don’t know the answer by now then I don't know what we are.”

There were so many lines Jihoon let Soonyoung trespass, most of them Jihoon forgot he drew till Soonyoung had successfully crossed to the other side. The majority of the lines were crossed without Jihoon’s consent, and to his very own astonishment he was okay with it. “After all you’ve done…”

And that was how he found his answer. He would never clarify. After so many words of commitment Soonyoung meant, proving how strong of steel he was made, he needn’t ask such a question.

“Then you needn’t have asked such a question either, you idiot.” Soonyoung countered. Jihoon was turning his head again to Soonyoung when Soonyoung’s head hit his shoulder and his hand was clutched to. “I told you, I learnt about you in those few months what you wouldn’t tell anyone throughout your entire life. You’ve to accept this.” A pause. “I’m not the person you think I am.”

Despite a demanding satisfactory smile on Jihoon’s part he said, “And I’m not the person you wish I were either.”

He could hear –and feel Soonyoung’s sigh.

It was silent enough he could feel Soonyoung’s breathing overlying the ticks of his wrist-watch.

“Nothing is going to be fine.” It pained Jihoon to say it out loud.

“I know,” the quickness of the reply, “I know and that alone hurts like hell.”

When Jihoon turned his neck slightly to have a look at Soonyoung, his eyes were closed and his breath was growing even. He smiled at the sight, watching a tear trickle down Soonyoung’s cheek.

“Happy new year.” He whispered throwing one last glance at the watch on his hand.

Whether he thought that sleeping was his only escape or he was really sleeping didn’t matter because Jihoon soon closed his eyes and was having a happier conversation with Soonyoung in his dream.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today was supposed to be a double update but lmao I forgot to wake up early and I have to be at a friend's in less than an hour and guess who's not even dressed yet...  
> Anyhow, I'll have the second update up by tonight (bc shit it has to be there, I need to finish the story lol)  
> So yea, sorry for the boring update, mehh


	7. Gemini

****

 

 

Soonyoung woke up to the feeling of another’s presence. He could feel the soft breeze of an approaching dawn mingled with the spreading soft-glowing sunlight rays, it took him three blinks before his eyes had adjusted to the light. Jeonghan was sitting on the edge of his bed, he smiled as Soonyoung propped himself up on the pillows. Slowly trying to think of something that would make Jeonghan come unannounced so late at night or so early in the morning. It was hard remembering the events that happened before he slept, he couldn’t tell the day not to mention the year.

He closed his eyes, holding his temples, he didn’t know how it felt to be drunk but he could bet it was something close to that feeling of being lost in an endless swirl of nothingness.

When he opened his eyes, Jeonghan was gone. He wondered if it was all the creation of his mind. He heard some soft rustles downstairs. Slowly, he got off his bed and headed to the stairs in his familiar crouch. Peeping through the holes in the stair’s banister. He saw his father drinking, Jeonghan was silently sitting next to him on the couch.

_Odd._

Soonyoung moved a bit closer to the left, trying to have a better angle. Jeonghan’s head shot up and suddenly he was staring at Soonyoung, looking careworn, Soonyoung was about to say something when his father’s head followed Jeonghan’s gaze all the way to him. He was wearing an atrocious smile, he sneered and got up.

“And he’s finally here!” His father announced.

Soonyoung got up to his feet, not digesting the situation fully yet.

His father looked at Jeonghan who was suddenly on his feet blocking his path. “Father, please sit down.”

He didn’t bat an eye, he took a step forward, tripping on his feet, he seemed beyond _simply_ drunk.

“Jeonghan, make way.”

Jeonghan didn’t budge, Soonyoung could feel his body growing limp.

“I’ll make you some coffee.” He said with his best efforts to conceal his weary tone, Soonyoung was trying to process the situation, something was missing, something was fundamentally wrong, something made him chilled to the bones.

He groaned, looked Soonyoung square in the eyes. “I said move!” he shouted and pushed Jeonghan aside making his way to his other son. Albeit Soonyoung’s body had been immobile, he was too worried about Jeonghan, their father never got physical, especially not with Jeonghan. And there was Jeonghan on the floor lying after his head had hit the edge of the table. Soonyoung finally willed his body to move and he was at the last step of the stairs when his father was standing in front of him, Jeonghan painfully got to his feet only to fall down again.

Soonyoung could see a stream of sticky crimson fluid emerging from his brother’s head.

“It’s your fault.” His father laughed. Soonyoung was once again motionless. He closed the distance. “It’s _all_ your fault.” He repeated as if it were the only sentence he knew. He was moving closer and closer until Soonyoung’s back was glued to the wall.

Jeonghan moaned then his torso and head fell to the ground next to his body.

“Jeonghan…” his voice came out as a choke, his hand reached in the air behind his father, his feet moved on their own past his father to Jeonghan, again he got that dimming feeling as if nothing were real; should he act, the wrong would become fatal. A feeling he was head-on with twice. And now it was his third experience.

He was about to kneel down next to Jeonghan’s lying body when he was slammed to the wall, hearing a laugh. It was his father’s. “You killed her!” he laughed again, he was hysterical. Jeonghan twitched and groaned. “You should be dead, she should have survived…” he was shaking Soonyoung’s shoulders now, Soonyoung who had no idea what to do. Not that it would have mattered either ways. He was scared out of his skin.

Jeonghan was somehow clinging to his father’s pants. “Just let it go.” He managed to say.

Soonyoung was sweating, panicking, as if everything zeroed in on him while he couldn’t move a limb, couldn’t form a thought, everything was slipping away and he was defenseless, helpless. Memories from the crevice of the past creeping up on him, clinging to his body the way bad thoughts always tended to, eating out his brain, sucking out his soul. He was hearing distant voices, entailing visions that didn’t belong to that time.

He was obsolete.

His father turned and looked at his bleeding son. “He killed her and you are defending him!” he threw a contemptuous look at him. “I thought you were my favourite son.”

He laughed in the creepiest way so far, Soonyoung tried to gulp, but that, too, was beyond reach.

“Maybe you should follow her.” His father had a psychotic smile.

He kicked Jeonghan in the face rendering his body still, the gash from his head was unstoppable.

Soonyoung’s scream was caught up in his throat, his eyes popping out of their sockets, his hand wanly flailing for his brother.

He was coming for him after his brother when Soonyoung jerked up, screaming his brother’s name.

 

He was in his bed, covered up in sweat as he shivered and shook; the pain coming in waves. He could feel his eyes meters-wide, his breath heavy and laboured and his heartbeat rate was abnormal. His heart seemed on the brink of exploding. He fumbled out of his bed like a madman, only Jeonghan’s name running through his head. He stumbled more than once in the dark, hoping the dark would screen the thoughts as much as it had blinded him.

At last he was in Jeonghan’s room, luckily his brother never closed the door, and he was in too much panic to form the simplest tasks.

Soonyoung fell to his knees next to Jeonghan’s bed and started crying.

Jeonghan was already awaken by Soonyoung’s scream just seconds earlier.

“What’s wrong?”

Soonyoung tried to stop shaking, to stop his tears. The blanket was on the floor, Jeonghan was on the floor embracing Soonyoung as he cried, trying to hush him, rocking him gently. Soonyoung let himself be held, he couldn’t contain his feelings, he was about to combust. He thought his brother was dead, he thought his father was _back_ at it again, he was once again vehemently reminded of his mother’s death. In the cruelest way possible.

Jeonghan squeezed tighter, kissing Soonyoung’s hair as the former was still trying to silence his tears. “It’s just a bad dream.” He repeated. “Breathe.”

“You were dead, Jeonghan, you don’t understand, you-” The tears blocked away the rest of the sentence, wouldn’t let them past Soonyoung’s quivering lips.

_He killed you._

“It’s alright. I’m here, I’m not dead.”

The embrace was getting tighter and tighter, Soonyoung tried to calm down. He succeeded in stopping the shaking, all he had to do now was to stop the tears. His thoughts floating in mind till they slept.

Jeonghan let Soonyoung breathe out the last of his sobs, he was about to loosen his embrace when Soonyoung’s hand clutched to it, he looked up at Jeonghan’s eyes, surprised to see they held back tears. He closed his eyes, conceiving the pain as though it were something that should be caught and tucked away for further use.

Jeonghan looked away, reaching for the blanket, he wrapped it around Soonyoung and got up and headed out of the room.

“Give me a second, I’ll be here, okay?” he smiled warmly and disappeared.

Soonyoung’s head was in a calmer roll of mayhem. He tried to sort out his thoughts, kick out the undesirable, reaching out for a good memory. Memories with his mom seemed to call for unnecessary pain and for the first time in his life he wasn’t willing to embrace that pain, it scared him. Memories with Jeonghan only reminded him of the blood gushing out of his head and that backfired. He didn’t want to think of his father. He climbed to Jeonghan’s bed, curled into a ball, holding the rim of the blanket tighter as he closed his eyes.

A soft thump on the bed, a hand pushing away his sticky hair from his face, a finger gently wiping the tear that escaped his closed eyelids.

“I’m sorry.” He said, barely audible.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Jeonghan whispered in Soonyoung’s ear.

_Nothing is going to be fine._

Soonyoung knew Jeonghan was lying, he didn’t want to cry anymore, not when his tears triggered Jeonghan’s as well. He was just clinging to his good memory as Jeonghan lied down next to him.

 

 

 

 

 

_Just zip it, Wonho._

Shin Hoseok had been speaking uninterrupted for the past thirty minutes, so fondly analyzing a scene in this semester’s assigned book. At first Jihoon couldn’t care less, then his eyes started narrowing and right now he was at the point where he was tapping his pencil against his book. He had always been glad he took the last seat in the class. Even the girls were obviously losing interest. And the nerds of the class were patently faking being interested. Wonho had the habit of getting carried away whenever he liked a piece of work a bit too much.

Soonyoung was sleeping.

Jihoon hadn’t seen him in days, since their night watching the fireworks; New Year’s Eve. It was January sixteenth or something. He didn’t recall ever seeing Soonyoung sleeping in class. The guy in front of Jihoon was absent, Jihoon moved to his desk, Wonho eyed him without interrupting his teaching, nonetheless he wasn’t too happy about it, causing Jihoon to smirk. He was going to make a move till he noticed the bell was only seconds away from announcing the end of the school-day. He could see everyone was as happy to be dismissed as he was.

“Don’t forget to hand in your paper tomorrow.” Wonho was basically shouting after the students, a male student teased him and another female student bid him goodbye.

Soonyoung seemed to be in too-deep sleep that even the bell didn’t wake him up. Jihoon got up and crouched next to Soonyoung’s desk, studying his face as he slept, fiddling with his pencil.

“So he’s the reason you weren’t paying attention in _my_ class.” Wonho said, putting down his bag on the desk in front of Soonyoung, looking down at Jihoon. The class only had the three of them now.

Jihoon smirked and got up to his feet. “You simply lost your touch.”

“Honest as ever, Jihoon.” Wonho said with half a smile.

Jihoon didn’t reply, he was in a good mood, and much to his chagrin, he liked that guy.

“You are friends with Soonyoung now?”

“I see you’ve not lost your observant skills at least.” Jihoon remarked, still smirking.

Wonho eyed him proudly, silently for about two beats then he said, “That’s no way to address a teacher.”

The reply was immediate. “Start acting as one and I’ll treat you accordingly.”

He said something but Jihoon only caught _no good for you_ in Wonho’s sentence. His eyes narrowed.

He exhaled silently, got his bag and turned around. “Tell Seungcheol I said hello, tell him to hit me up when he’s not so busy with his girlfriend.” He muttered a rude remark about Seungcheol forgetting his friends once he got a partner as Jihoon watched his back disappear in the crowded hallway.

He turned back to the sleeping Soonyoung. He was still sound asleep. Plenty of devious thoughts flitted through Jihoon’s mind on how to wake him up, not wiping the smirk off his face, if anything it broadened it. He blew some air into Soonyoung’s ear, hoping it would be enough to jolt him awake.

But it didn’t and Jihoon’s smirk transformed into a smile. He straddled the chair in front of Soonyoung’s desk and sat cross armed, he closed his eyes for a second, trying to mute his surroundings, focusing on a lullaby he hummed in his head. He opened his eyes and moved his head inwardly in the process; he felt something brush his cheek. When his vision steadied he saw Soonyoung, he was awake, his hand in his hair. He could swear his ears just turned bright red.

“Sorry…” He muttered removing his hand from his eyes, looking at Jihoon.

_Fuck._

Jihoon gave him a blank stare, he would have probably apologized for apologizing if it weren’t for Jihoon’s stare. It was too comical.

“You seem out of sorts,” Jihoon said, a hint of a smirk on his face.

Soonyoung breathed in deeply. “May I quote you?” he cleared his throat. “I’m just tired.” Not even his smile could rub that statement off as a joke.

Jihoon’s face hardened. “What’s wrong?”

He sighed, looked away, pensively. A long pause. “Couple of sleepless nights, I’ll recover soon.” He looked back at Jihoon with a smile. Jihoon watched Soonyoung getting up as he fiddled in his pockets. “Shall we? I would so much like a bottle of water now.”

Jihoon didn’t object. He was nodding and shrugging absent-mindedly as they walked.

 

“Watch it, jerk.” A voice startled Jihoon from his auto-pilot mode. He looked up, it was Jungyeon, she was smiling, and she was with two of her friends, who were, unsurprisingly, giggling. Soonyoung had left Jihoon as the former went in search for his water.

“S’up, bro?” she said with a light punch to his shoulder. “Why are you alone?”

He smiled weakly and said, “You probably scared my companion away.” It wasn’t supposed to be funny, Jihoon was sometimes simply as mean. She didn’t go to school with him today, somehow her two friends, whom he met on several occasions yet always found a way to forget their names, seemed to be stealing Jungyeon from him. He found himself dejected at the thought.

Soonyoung was at his side now.

“Hello.” He said with a smile.

“Hoshi.” Jungyeon acknowledged him with a smile and her friends said the casual hi’s. She, then, averted her gaze to her twin. “Can you cover up for me this afternoon, Jihoon?” she asked.

Jihoon was about to refuse, he had plans but Soonyoung interjected and said, “Delightedly.”

She pressed a thin smile in silence then nodded. “Good. Later.” She said and her group of three had left.

Jihoon watched her walk away.

“She seems, um… she seems to be doing well.” Soonyoung remarked.

“Wrong.” Jihoon said, walking to an empty table. He was avoiding that thorny subject ever since _then_.

“You are not going home?” he asked, hesitating before he sat down opposite to Jihoon.

“I have afterschool practice. I should be there but somehow seeing Junhui’s face is the last thing I want right now.”

Soonyoung laughed.

“Wrong.” Jihoon repeated. He was staring emptily at his hands.

“What’s with the broken record?” Soonyoung said, not smiling anymore.

He looked up. “The sound of it, it’s wrong.”

Soonyoung knitted his eyebrows. He looked like someone who was dying to talk yet not wanting to.

“Can I make a guess?” Jihoon knew this was the path that had least collateral damage and most efficiency.

“You have three guesses, if you lose, you can never ask me again.” Soonyoung said calmly, looking straight into Jihoon’s eyes.

He was confident. There were only few things that a person avoided; and pain always found a way to reign over that chart. All he had to do was think of the thing that caused Soonyoung most pain.

_A fool._

“You fought with Jeonghan-hyung?” It was testing water.

“Next.”

Jihoon faked a thoughtful pause, he wasn’t going to say it till it was his last guess.

“You had to hurt someone accidently?”

_Come on._

“Last chance.”

“Are you sure you want me to say it?” Jihoon said each word deliberately, slowly, letting them sink in.

A pause.

Jihoon could read the recognition in Soonyoung’s eyes. “I know I could trust you.”

Another pause.

Soonyoung muttered something under his breath.

It was _Jihoon’s_ surprise this time.

It was something along the lines that this was Jihoon’s ticket to the absolute trust land.

“Trusting me means you are giving me the power to hurt you.”

Soonyoung nodded, he opened his mouth only to clamp it shut again; falling into the indolent state of indecision. Jihoon made a mental note to press that subject some time later, something deep down in him told him it mattered.

“It’s about your late mom.” Jihoon said at last. Soonyoung was looking at the ground; Jihoon could see the sad pair of eyes staring at the emptiness of space as they wished the memories away. He had never talked about his mother, only once did here say casually that she died years ago. But Jihoon could tell it wasn’t registered in that context in Soonyoung's memories.

Jihoon wanted to prompt him to speak, but one thing he had learnt; prompting someone who was on the verge of laying down his life bare and naked to speak always tended to make them reconsider and hence it always ended up unsaid.

Soonyoung got up, his head tilted down, as if hung on his shoulders. He sat down next to Jihoon. Jihoon was mildly taken aback. But another thing he came to learn, Soonyoung had high need for physical proximity, almost as high as Jihoon’s dislike for the same kind of closeness.

“I was seven, I was a spoiled child who cared about nothing and no one, a self-centered selfish brat.” He paused. Soonyoung didn’t raise his head, he was speaking as his body was close to Jihoon, meeting his mental comfort’s need with that alone. “I was just so damn stupid.” He voice started shaking and he clenched his hand, he had to catch himself and take time for a recovery.

Jihoon debated a method of comfort, ended up settling for silence.

It was a good decision.

“I almost got Hyung killed that day.” He let that sink. “It was some day in June. I was out till late, playing. He came looking for me, he had always been so tender and gentle and … warm, that Cheonsa.” He smiled weakly. “We were walking home, I was moody and he said something about how I shouldn’t make our parents worry like that, I didn’t like to be criticized, still do, so I got angry. We were on the pavement waiting for the lights to turn red so we could cross. So I pushed him off but he was holding my hands so I started running, I didn’t mean to, I just did and a car was just there. And I was being pushed hearing the tires screech.” His fist clenched again, but he was doing fine at leveling his voice.

“Next thing I know I ran to the house calling mom and dad telling them Hyung has that oozing bad thing coming out from him, they panicked and we went back to the _crime scene_. I was a child of vivid imagination, with a tendency of imagining the worst when things go bad. Hyung never bled to begin with. I ran away once the car hit him, I don't even know what happened later till this very day. An old couple told us the boy was taken to the nearest hospital. Neither of them said a word to me the whole journey. When we got there, the guy who had hit him was there, they told me to stay put as they talked to him. My anger was the only thing that kept my tears back. So, Hyung was sitting on a chair, holding his arm in pain, he went in again and when he was out his right arm was in a caste.”

He paused to take his breath.

“Cheonsa kept smiling at me during the whole drive, talking to me, he wasn’t upset, stupid brother never is. But my parents still haven’t said any words to me more than needed, mostly instruction. So when we got home. Umm, first … mom is, erm, was...” he paused, Jihoon could hear the tears. But Soonyoung didn’t cave in, not just yet. “Mom, she was a very caring person, delicate, a very pretty violet always blooming in a lovely spring day, always flourishing, making the flowers around her bloom brighter, she had that effect on people, making them better, something Jeonghan-hyung had inherited. Yet she was too delicate, fragile. Too much wind and her roots would be taken out, the kind of violets that died once fall came. Even her heart was weak.” He blew out some air, what Jihoon recognized as a scoff, bitter at the relic of a memory.

“She reprimanded me, scolded me, dad just stood there, Hyung telling her it was fine ‘ _he has to learn to be responsible.’_ she had said. I was furious by the time she had been half-done, I had blurted out the ugliest things, things I didn’t mean, things I wish I can take back. I told her I hated her, she was shocked; she had never heard me say such a thing, but that didn’t stop me. I told her I wish she were dead, that she should just go away, that she wasn’t kind and that someone else should be my mother.”

This pause was because Soonyoung’s tears were out at last, he sounded like someone confessing their sin for the first time and tears were simply a way of purifying their body. The first tear hit the table, spreading like an infection on the table cloth. Jihoon moved his hand to reassure Soonyoung, but he stopped midway. The second tear was falling on his hand. It felt heavier than it should.

“And I darted out of the house. That was the last thing I ever said to her, can you imagine that? I didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye. My mother died thinking I hated her. Jihoon, it keeps me awake at night, I don’t deserve to live, I don’t deserve Jeonghan’s kindness, I don’t deserve anything.” He lifted his head.

Be it that Jihoon wasn’t accustomed to the sight of tears, be it that he was seeing indescribable pain in Soonyoung's red eyes or be it that Soonyoung was becoming a huge part of his life, Jihoon felt something squeezing his heart tight at that sight.

“I wish I had died that night.” Soonyoung was looking at Jihoon, but the latter was seeing a stranger, he was staring into his eyes, a bottomless abyss that pulled you in to darkness, emptiness, the unknown. He said those words without tears, and it was as though Jihoon was looking at the moon. Just _void._

A very cynical part of Jihoon wanted to burst out laughing. So loud and for so long, however forever was allowed to stretch. The few ironies of life.

That was one of them.

Jihoon reached to Soonyoung’s head, holding it with both hands, he spun till one of his legs was on the other side of the bench; so he would be entirely facing Soonyoung.

“No one ever, _ever_ deserves to wish death, Soonyoung. You hear me?” He was happy his efforts weren’t fruitless; it was enough to rectify Soonyoung, to kick some life into his eyes, to retrieve him. “No matter what you did, no matter what happened, wishing for death is unacceptable. Someone out there will mourn your departure, someone out there has those unsaid words they don’t have the courage to tell you, someone out there is willing to give up everything to mend something they did for you; some time to be made up for. And those who are rolling in their graves, they long for a day, a minute, a _second_ to spend with their beloved.” He kept staring fixatedly into Soonyoung’s eyes for a while after he was done talking, if Jihoon didn’t know Soonyoung; if he didn’t know why he wished for death, he would have summoned enough fury to beat the living shit out of him.

Soonyoung looked convinced, as if the words were heard to him for the very first time.

Jihoon set down his hands and forced a smile. “I know they haunt you at night. I know that feeling.”

It was nonchalant, it was wistful, and it was agonized.

Jihoon looked up to find Soonyoung’s insatiable eyes haunting him, the same I’ve-something-to-say look on his face, the same curiosity about any of Jihoon’s ambiguity.

 


	8. Cancer

****

 

 

“Jihoon, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.” Soonyoung said, avoiding eye contact like a guilty criminal.

Jihoon’s phone started ringing. He smiled and held up his finger then picked up the line.

_Talk about timing._ Soonyoung sighed, feeling down.

Jihoon listened for a second, his smile gradually fading. “Yea, that’s him.”

Soonyoung saw a new definition to the word ‘horror’ in Jihoon’s face.

Without a single word to his caller or to Soonyoung, he killed the line and started running out of the cafeteria, out of the school.

Soonyoung called after him, then he broke into a run as well, abandoning everything behind. He only cared about one thing now, and that thing seemed to be despairing.

He accelerated as Jihoon turned round the corner.

“Jihoon!” he called out desperately, bumping into a few pedestrians as he ran, not bothering to apologize.

He was heading for the hospital. Soonyoung flinched, feeling some acid spreading in his stomach. He panicked when Jihoon basically jumped over the car half-avoiding the hit, he was screaming Jihoon's name like a madman. Everything _was_ crazy, the screeching cars, the curious onlookers, the curses of the drivers, the still-bolting Jihoon and Soonyoung chasing him down screaming his name as if it were an incantation. Soonyoung was about fifteen meters behind.

He narrowed the distance, for Jihoon stood a few seconds at the front desk. He didn’t sign the paper that was handed to him, hell, he didn’t even wait for the elevator.

Soonyoung succinctly apologized to the nurse for his friend’s bizarre attitude, not being able to justify it but something was wide off the mark for Jihoon to be this frenzied. Some nurse was about to call the security when the front-desk nurse told her it was fine. He would have asked what was wrong if he wasn’t in such a rush himself.

He stopped at the third floor, it was ED. He was frantically talking to a nurse. She left him and headed for a room. Jihoon was holding his head with both hands like the madman he had been for the last few minutes. His back hit the wall and he slowly slipped his back against it.

Soonyoung saw two younger girls in their school uniform, they looked like they weren’t quite finished with crying. None of them approached Jihoon, obviously he was inconsolable. Not even Soonyoung could do anything, funny part was that he himself was hardly a scratch or two calmer than Jihoon.

“She was stabbed,” he hissed. “I don’t even know!”

The nurse reappeared before Soonyoung could speak. She ushered Jihoon into a room and handed him some water. The ER light was bright red.

He went to the girls. He only needed to say one word, “How?”

The one with the loose hair sobbed out loud, the pony-tail girl was the one who talked. “We were walking, out of nowhere a bunch of drunk guys appeared, they hit on Sana, they just wouldn’t go away and Yoojung wouldn’t let it go either!” she started crying. Soonyoung felt cold, he felt it was the girls’ fault for some reason but didn’t voice his thoughts. He eyed the loose-hair girl, allegedly, Sana. And his coldness grew more. He urged it to grow.

She noticed his stare, she wiped her tears and looked at him proudly. “We are sorry, okay, none of us could donate blood.”

Soonyoung looked away, knowing if this continued he might lash out at her. He walked to the other side, sitting in the same spot Jihoon was sitting in earlier, his head hung loose on his shoulders.

And his old habit kicked in, worst scenarios were being written in his head, contributing to provoking his panic, a knife was being twisted in his gut and something lumped in his throat. Jihoon could lose Jungyeon, Soonyoung could lose Jungyeon.

_Jihoon could lose everything._

Soonyoung didn’t know how long he had been out of it, but Jihoon was sitting next to him, a juice in his hand and a cotton swab that should be pressed to his vein was falling to the ground. His chest was rising up and down arithmetically, he felt dangerous. And his silence only made things worse.

Soonyoung was lost in time once more, he preferred he remained ignorant of it for his sanity’s sake. If that was how he was reacting, it was unimaginable what Jihoon was undergoing.

A doctor appeared. Jihoon didn’t notice him at first, then he quickly got up to his feet. When Soonyoung checked the clock on the wall, it indicated they had been there for about two hours.

The doctor was telling Jihoon something about how he must contact his parents. Saying the girls fumbled in Jungyeon’s phone finding no number of her family but Jihoon’s and Seungcheol’s. But they tried Seungcheol’s many times yet he wasn’t to be reached. Jihoon lied and said his parents were out of town but his brother was legally considered a guardian and he would contact him immediately. He also added that her body accepted his blood and her condition was stabilized but she would have to stay the night there. Jihoon’s expression only darkened when the doctor told him that he should go over the story with Jungyeon’s friends because some stuff contradicted factual details. He thanked him then approached Soonyoung.

“Call your brother, Hyung lost his phone, he said he would be spending the day in the office with Jeonghan-hyung. Tell him he should calm down and come over. If he asks you to put me on line tell him I don’t want to talk now.” He said robotically then he debated something. Soonyoung had to get his phone out, making the call.

Jihoon had moved to the girls. Soonyoung was absent-mindedly talking to Jeonghan, telling him to put Seungcheol through, he didn’t ask why, probably because he knew Soonyoung always mentioned things, if he didn’t then he had his reasons. He was focusing on Jihoon who stood with admonishing glower watching Sana. She was still oblivious.

He quickly filled Seungcheol in, he panicked at first, said he would be there shortly. He was surprised at how calmly he conveyed the news, maybe it was because he was still carefully watching Jihoon, who was actually talking with the girls now. They didn’t look too content. Sana stood up, talking to Jihoon in a defiant tone; he could only make some of the words.

When he was about to say goodbye, he was too shocked the words were caught in his throat. Jihoon held her by the collar, hauling her to the wall with his forearm. He quickly hung up and ran to Jihoon. Objectionably calling out to him.

The other girl was shouting at Jihoon, Sana was wincing under his grasp, a nurse was approaching them. Soonyoung jerked Jihoon away.

“What’s gotten into you? Laying a hand on a girl.” Soonyoung said disbelieving his eyes.

“Back off, Soonyoung.” Jihoon said as he had to take a step back. Soonyoung shoved the girl behind him and into her friend’s arms, they retreated away carefully.

“Would you mind taking this outside?” The nurse said with a menacing tone.

Jihoon didn’t think twice.

As soon as they were out of the building, using the back door, into the alley where the medical waste was kept till they were completely taken care of. Soonyoung noticed for the first time it must have been nearly eight for such darkness to creep over.

“You are a fucking asshole!” Jihoon blurted, pushing Soonyoung back who was taken aback by the statement more than the action. Jihoon was ablaze. He understood the need for blowing off some steam but he said the statement with too much conviction Soonyoung had to wonder what was wrong.

“What the hell! What did I do?”

“You broke her heart!” He said and pushed him again.

It took a few seconds, looking at Jihoon’s exasperated expression, for Soonyoung to understand.

“You knew we broke up, why now?” he tried to ask as calmly as he could but it came out as a hiss.

“Because you hurt her. You are the reason she’s lying there right now.” Jihoon’s tone was venomous. Soonyoung might have flinched had he not been as angry.

“They said she was trying to get at her ex for breaking her heart, but the guy turned out to be dangerous…” Jihoon seemed like someone who was recounting the details for himself rather than for an audience, as if he were trying to comprehend.

_So that was his_ wrong _earlier today._

But it didn’t put out Soonyoung’s flame.

“So it’s my fault she decided to date some older guy!”

“It’s your fault you hurt her. You lied to me, you said she broke up with you.” Jihoon closed the distance.

“I was going to tell you anyway, that’s no excuse.” Soonyoung yelled back, pushing Jihoon himself this time.

Jihoon’s steam was boiling, he looked chancy as he eyed Soonyoung, he almost apologized, but that might have been worse. Jihoon darted at Soonyoung, hauling him like a bull. Soonyoung’s back took most of the impact and it hurt like crazy but he didn’t have the leisure to care about such trivialities now.

“You are just looking for someone to lash out at it.” He said. “I can tolerate that but false accusations are way out of your league, Jihoon.”

“I’m _not._ I told you I’d make sure that you regret ever considering hurting her.” Jihoon could barely say over his anger while he took a step back, getting the satisfaction of watching Soonyoung doubled over. Soonyoung could taste blood seeping through the opening of his mouth. He wiped it and looked up without straightening up.

“If you need someone to blame so bad, blame yourself.” He spat.

Jihoon was rendered shocked, then hostility took over again.

“You-” he was marching the distance he had just put between them.

“No.” Soonyoung said firmly, standing tall. “It’s not like you’re innocent, what was the kiss for?”

It was as though Jihoon could see that coming, he didn’t think twice, he didn’t calm down either, he spat the words, not putting any of the heat out of his words. “I was making sure, _you idiot_.”

Soonyoung threw his hands up in the air. “And what if it was true? What if _it_ was real? Us?!”

He breathed out the words. “I would have left you, I could never hurt her.”

The last statement resonated in the silent night. His voice hung naked in an ill-timed lull.

Both of them drained, both of them speechless.

Soonyoung calmed down, relatively.

“You would have left me?”

Jihoon looked away, he would not face Soonyoung.

“You make a big deal of lies and how you hate hypocrites while you are too much of a coward to face yourself.” Soonyoung spat, knowing he would regret those words later. Having a rich image in his head of the seven-year-old him.

Jihoon slumped on the ground, next to the garbage can.

“Do you have any idea what it is to lose Jungyeon? To lose a sibling?” His hissing didn’t subside. Obviously they weren’t in the clear, not just yet.

Soonyoung flinched. He understood that.

“That fucking place I live in, the thing they call home. Where everyone is pretending everything is fine, none of those stupid people doing anything. If I one day went back and _she_ wasn’t there, I’d be as good as dead. I’d be a shell of what I am. Do you _understand_?”

Jihoon stood up, he kicked the garbage can, he was angry but he was having a moment of honesty. He needed to get the words out of his system.

“I’ve spent my entire life standing up for her, defending her, from _that fuck_ for a _father_ and from everyone. The only thing keeping me there is she and Hyung.”

He fell to the ground again, this time he was crying. “I can’t abandon them. And I can’t let them abandon me either. They are the only thing keeping my sanity.” He screamed the last part into the stealthy night.

And there was Jihoon, naked and breakable.

Soonyoung couldn’t tell if it were the beauty of the situation or the revelation that made him angry to see Jihoon crying. He wanted to shout at Jihoon but he also wanted to console him. He wanted to kick him in the face but also hold him close. He wanted to fight with him and yet kiss him.

He was on his knees, in front of Jihoon, he didn’t dare touch him, he didn’t trust himself.

“Soonyoung,” Jihoon said, looking up, not even his unshed tears could rip him off his beauty, if anything they enhanced it. “Promise me. Promise me one thing.”

That, was utterly vague to Soonyoung. He nodded. “Anything.”

“Promise me we won’t say goodbye.”

Soonyoung’s heart fluttered against his chest like a trapped bird that had just tasted the sweet flavour of freedom. Soonyoung had just been set free.

_It is a given, idiot._

Jihoon tilted his head and drew Soonyoung’s head closer. For a fraction of a second Soonyoung doubted it was Jihoon he didn’t trust and not himself, maybe entrusting Jihoon with _Jihoon_ was worse than entrusting Jihoon with Soonyoung.

And before Soonyoung knew it, he was having his very first kiss.

 

 

 

 

 

By the time Jihoon and Soonyoung got back to the waiting area, Jihoon had received a phone call from Seungcheol asking about his whereabouts, and soon he was standing in front of Jihoon. He told Seungcheol that Jungyeon had regained consciousness but not allowed to talk much. He briefly gave him an account on Jungyeon’s health, saying she could be dismissed in two days all depending on how she coped. Jihoon guessed Seungcheol was politely telling him he should be the one who checked up on Jungyeon for the time being and not himself.

Soonyoung still hadn’t left; but again Jihoon’s priorities shifted back to his twin. As they walked the hallways, he debated turning around and smiling at Soonyoung, almost did if the latter didn’t give his hand a brisk reassuring squeeze.

Seungcheol was taking the seat which the girl Jihoon manhandled was occupying earlier, he observed neither of the girls was there; only Seungcheol and Jeonghan. He didn’t seem that worried, Jihoon didn’t know if it were a courage act or simply because Jungyeon was stabilized and conscious, he guessed the latter. Each of the two boys had made way to his respective brother.

“Hey,” Seungcheol mumbled. “She’ll be delighted to see you, tell her I said hi.”

Jihoon nodded and headed for the nurse and he was permitted. Before fully going in Jungyeon’s room, he turned at Seungcheol, his hands were clenched together as he rested his elbows on his thighs, a careworn expression replaced the relatively carefree one that was present before it. But it wasn’t the time for hesitation.

No sooner had he entered the recovery room did he know for sure it was an experience forever engraved on his memory. Starting from the many machines to the monitors to the pale blue gown Jungyeon was wearing to the IV attached to her and majorly; the faint smell of anesthetic that overpowered the blood. He dragged a chair as silently as he could.

He reached for her hand, she stirred and blinked twice before fully opening her eyes. She gave him a very weak smile. And like sister like brother, she gave him a ‘hey’. Jihoon had to smile at that.

“How are you feeling, Kyungwan?” he asked, not awaiting an answer, the usage of the name was in hopes of making her smile. And he succeeded.

“You aren’t getting rid of me anytime soon.” She mumbled back.

They were silent. Jihoon wanted to talk to her, but after that day she stormed angrily out of Soonyoung’s house, the waters didn’t feel as clear as before. And there was some wall built he couldn’t quite demolish, it took him enough time to realize it was put between them. But then again, it was Jungyeon he was dealing with, she didn’t hold grudges, at least he thought she didn’t. He didn’t care either ways; she would always be his sister, no matter what happened between them.

And asking about what happened was out of the questions, it was no time for moralizing her. Something in him thought the mention of Soonyoung now wouldn’t be such a bright idea either. Maybe his incapability of talking was a good thing for the time being.

“Jihoon,” she called out to him, wincing at the pain as she moved ever so slightly. “I want to tell you that overall, I can never bear to fight with you.” She paused, seeming to be slipping away with each word. Jihoon was listening intently. “I’ll always tell you I love you, Woozi.” She pressed a smile and she closed her eyes. All Jihoon could hear after that was her saying she wanted to sleep.

He smiled then got up and left.

As soon as he was out, only Seungcheol was there.  


He was watching the streetlamps on the empty road as Seungcheol drove by. Despite the chilly night, Jihoon opened the window and stared out blankly. There were no stars visible that night, he compensated by light pollution. It was off-colour that Seungcheol too was brooding, hardly said any words save casual questions.

“What are we going to tell them?” He asked at last.

Jihoon didn’t have to think it over. “They won’t even notice her gone.”

Seungcheol didn’t say a further word. Jihoon turned in his seat and looked at his brother. “What’s on your mind?”

He gave a short, low laugh, apparently he _was_ weary. “I don’t think it’s the right time for such revelations.”

Jihoon narrowed his eyes. Eyeing him askance, some residue of his outburst still lingered at the corners of his heart, giving him enough lucidity to dull his mind a bit, giving some control to the other organ that always ruled people like Seungcheol. “Hyung, are you happy?”

So, a car that was doing eighty an hour stopped all of a sudden, Jihoon would have hit the windshield had he not fastened his seat-belt earlier. He was going to ask _what the hell_ but deep down he knew the answer. Seungcheol was grasping the steering-wheel, looking at Jihoon like a man seeing another demonstrating some absurd actions. He shook his head, his breathing seemed shallower then he burrowed his hands through his hair, Seungcheol’s way of trying not to despair. Obviously his drill didn’t do the trick, he unlatched his seat-belt and got out of the car, leaning on the spare-tyre of the SUV. Jihoon realized he still hadn’t had his back rested against his seat, he plummeted back into his seat as he blew his cheeks, sighing. He had counted to sixty-four in his head before he got out of the car as well.

At least Seungcheol wasn’t crying, a huge part of Jihoon was bracing himself for that moment. Maybe crying would have been better. Seungcheol always smiled cheerfully, he cried only when he had hit rock bottom, and he seldom did it in front of the twins, but they knew. Jungyeon, she had the ability of always laughing without care, she would never cry in front of anyone but Jihoon. That was how the siblings’ code worked. So anything out of the ordinary alerted Jihoon.

“A while ago,” Jihoon began, not carefully approaching what could be a landmine. “You said something about having to make one of the most important decisions in your life.”

Seungcheol looked up at Jihoon, his face was hard in spite of his attempt to rearrange his expression. And Jihoon knew he had hit home.

“Hyung,” his tone was softer, taking a step in Seungcheol’s direction. Whatever he wanted to say, he didn’t articulate.

“It scares me how observant you are.” Seungcheol said, shaking his head, no smile.

Jihoon hardened his heart and strode the remaining two paces. He was almost as tall as his older brother now. “When?”

“I want you to be happy.”

“ _When?_ ” Jihoon inquired again, doing his best not to sound angry. He must have sounded so because Seungcheol flinched, he looked away, bit his lower lip and shook his head very sadly.

“Jihoon, I need you to be happy. You and Jungyeon. You guys deserve so much happiness, I’m sorry I could never grant it, I want to apologize for every bad thing that happened to the two of you, if I could retrace everything, I swear I would make it better.” His voice became hoarse at the very end. It was cruel but so was life. And Jihoon only wanted to pretend he couldn’t see the cruelty of the word, but it always found a way to force itself on his world.

Seungcheol’s hands were both slammed against the back of the SUV; barricading Jihoon's head. Jihoon was having a flashback of that morning, he could see the same anger, the same swilling cloud of frustration and the same grief in Seungcheol’s eyes.

“I’m sorry you were born into this family and I’m sorry I couldn’t be the brother you wanted.” He said, not quite finished, he didn’t let way to tears nonetheless, Jihoon watched with great confliction.

Jihoon closed his eyes, fighting away some inevitable pain. “…When?”

Swallowing, Seungcheol said, “In a week. I should be gone for two years.”

He let that sink, and it was like a meteorite hitting Jihoon, burying him alive under the earth’s surface, deep enough to reach its core. He knew Seungcheol had to leave, he just didn’t know it would affect him so much. Maybe his pain was directly proportional to the interval of absence, he was feeling the emptiness he wasn’t yet entitled to feel. His eyes were only wide open, he couldn’t speak, he couldn’t even feel Seungcheol’s breath that mingled with the wind on his face.

_Two years._ He didn’t dare say it out loud, he didn’t dare to close his eyes either. As if the reality were to be faced now else he would forever keep escaping.

“I would come for a few visits. But-” Seungcheol stopped talking for some reason, not that Jihoon cared much at that point. “I’m just sorry.” He seemed to be pouring everything into that one apology. Jihoon looked up, wincing, experiencing the lump in his throat.

Jungyeon was in the hospital, she had almost died, and Seungcheol was leaving. Jihoon’s world was slowly falling apart. Just when he thought he had some reality, it was soon ripped away from him, just as quickly as it came. He didn’t recall ever feeling so much pain, he thought Jungyeon being in the hospital inflicted the greatest pain ever known to him, well, Seungcheol’s news just broke the record.

One of Seungcheol’s hands fell to his sides, it snapped Jihoon out of his doldrums. At the very last fraction of a second he caught a shooting star in the inky sky. Something that would have normally made him exultant. It was such a great irony the shooting star only appeared at such a night.

Yet he closed his eyes, and he let himself hope, feeling the moist hardening in his eyes.

Seungcheol leaned in again, he leaned enough for his lips to faintly brush Jihoon’s left ear. “Forgive me.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short update, a round of applause please :")


	9. Pluto

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ofc I can't do short updates, I just split it to two chaps lolz

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Soonyoung had been skeptically eyeing Seungkwan, a classmate, for a while now. It was lunch-break, Soonyoung wasn’t too quick on his feet, he wanted to confirm something and, much to his chagrin, it had been confirmed as soon as the bell rang. He was too deep in thought during class, replaying the events of his week like he usually did, of a certain day. Then he looked at Jihoon and, luckily, he caught Seungkwan paying too much attention to him. And that aroused a dormant problem which he hadn’t cared much about before, only because he hadn’t assumed it was one. It hit him slowly, Seungkwan had been trying to get chummy with Jihoon ever since New Year, Jihoon, normally, blew him off and they, Soonyoung and Jihoon, never discussed the topic. But now, _he_ had taken action.

Eight months ago he liked that kid, he wasn’t so sure about that now.

Soonyoung waited till Seungkwan had left Jihoon then he got out of class, Jihoon following his lead. He saw happiness of a child who had just got the newest toy in the market drawn on Seungkwan’s face just before he disappeared into a crowd of friends. He turned to Jihoon, who had been silent for longer than usual, he was on the verge of accusing him –casually speaking- till he saw Jihoon’s expression. There was down in the dumps, and there was below, then there was Jihoon. They sat down and Jihoon started eating, Soonyoung still hadn’t touched his food.

Seemingly, he had been staring for too long because Jihoon suddenly looked away, discomforted enough and asked him whether there was something wrong with his face. Soonyoung, feeling slightly ashamed, said there wasn’t.

“Do you want to talk?” Soonyoung treaded carefully.

Jihoon partly looked up, not interrupting his eating-process. “What about?”

Soonyoung rolled his eyes, then, considering it was Jihoon, he locked away his frustration and proceeded, “Does that have anything to do with why you slept in Seungcheol-hyung’s car two nights ago?” It might have not been relevant, but ever since Soonyoung saw him getting out of the car so early in the morning he couldn’t help but wonder.

Jihoon’s hand stopped halfway to his mouth. “It doesn’t.” Good thing about Jihoon was he didn’t wonder, at least he didn’t articulate his wonders.

“Is it about Yoojung then?”

“Not really.” Jihoon paused. “She’ll be dismissed tonight.”

“You seem depressed.”

“I’m not. It’s fine.” It was too curt.

“It’s not. You are unhappy and that’s not _fine_.” Soonyoung was bracing himself for a fight, he refused to let it go, but then came Jihoon’s reply, short but it spoke louder than ever.

“Can we talk about this later? Tonight maybe.” And it wasn’t a question despite the soft tone.

 _He is willing to talk._ Soonyoung was starting to get nervous but he willed some self-restraint.

“Sunbae!” a voice called to Soonyoung’s left, he wasn’t calling out to Soonyoung nonetheless. The guy sat down with his bag next to Jihoon, who moved to the side so he could put some space between them. He nodded at Soonyoung in some sort of greeting, Soonyoung smiled politely.

“We’ve this camp night next week, less accordingly actually. We just convinced the principal, Kotaro-ssam did actually…” he went on his long list of _actually‘s_ with Jihoon hardly listening, Soonyoung didn’t blame him.

“So, would you like to sign-up?” He grinned a salesperson grin.

Jihoon groaned. Soonyoung smiled and extended his hand. “Is this where I put my name?” the guy nodded and handed him the paper.

“There you go.” He smiled. “Kwon Soonyoung, nice to meet you.”

The guy looked at the paper then at Jihoon who seemed too in love with his food then smirked at Soonyoung. “Lee Chan, same.”

They shook hands then Chan left.

Soonyoung started looking at the absent-minded Jihoon amusedly.

“What?” he asked, wiping his mouth.

Soonyoung couldn’t help but broaden his smile. “Nothing.” He whispered and got up in answer of the ringing bell announcing next period.

 

\----

 

Soonyoung was slumped against the couch, eating some chips as he flipped through the channels looking for something to watch. It was a few minutes to nine when Jeonghan emerged out of his bedroom with a shoulder bag.

“Where to that time of day?” Soonyoung said without turning to his brother. When Jeonghan didn’t answer, he half turned with his upper part and scrutinized him. “You look, um, dashing. Who’s the lucky person?”

Jeonghan smiled and headed for the door. “I could ask you the same thing.”

He straightened up in his seat. “Since when do you answer a question with another?” The question held no grudges, it was casual but something in proposing the question hurt Soonyoung.

“Since now.” He said, but when Soonyoung made a face, he lingered at the door and said. “It’s my job, Soonyoung, a _job_.” He emphasized the word knowing it would make Soonyoung smile.

“Are you going to see Seungcheol-hyung, Cheonsa?” Soonyoung teased.

Jeonghan drawled with a slow smile. “Who knows. Goodnight, nosey little brother. Say hello to Jihoon for me.” And he closed the door.

As soon as Jeonghan was out of sight, Soonyoung jumped to his feet, peeking through the curtains as he watched their car being driven off. And he was right, Seungcheol’s car wasn’t there either.

“Dad?” he called out, double-checking that his father was sleeping, he got back home tired that night and he slept without even eating. When no answer came he smiled and left the house as well.

He almost bumped into Jihoon in spite of his rush had he not come to a sudden halt.

“Hey.” Jihoon mumbled, his hands in his pocket, wearing a muffler and an ice-cap. “I’m taking you to a dojo … if that’s fine by you.” He said before Soonyoung was able to greet him back.

“Sure.”

All Soonyoung did during their short walk was look sideways at Jihoon, feeling as if he were doing something wrong, stealing some glances he wasn’t entitled to steal.

The dojo was lit, indicating it was still opened, however it untypically had separate rooms in spite of its spaciousness. After the formal signing and paying they took off their shoes and headed for their ‘room’.

“So,” Soonyoung stretched the word, checking his surroundings as he slid the doors shut. “When is Seungcheol-hyung leaving?”

Jihoon scoffed. Soonyoung was dumbfounded, he tilted his head questioningly. “What’s so funny?”

He had been sitting cross legged on the floor by the time he answered. “How obvious your brother is.”

Soonyoung shrugged, his fingertips feeling the punching bag as he circled around it. “He never told you about _them_?”

“No.” He narrowed his eyes at Soonyoung. “I don't know why tho, Hyung almost always babbles about everything.”

“Feelings are private, Jihoon.” Soonyoung said, smiling at the ground. “Jeonghan, too, isn’t the kind of person who can tell people easily he likes someone.” He bit his lips, refraining from saying more.

 _If father knew, I might never hear the end of it._ It made Soonyoung feel cold on the inside, the thought that is.

“In a week.” Jihoon got up, taking off his jacket and muffler. Soonyoung tossed him the punching gloves but it wasn’t long till they were on the floor again. “Kickboxing, Soonyoung. I could blow someone’s head off right now.” He looked at him challengingly.

“Okay, a not so bright idea.”

Jihoon pushed the heavy bag lightly enough to make it swing. “So you are going to that camp.”

“ _We_ are going, yes.”

He stopped the swinging with both hands and shot Soonyoung a dark look. “You!”

Soonyoung sniggered, falling to his knees then lying on his bag, watching Jihoon from below. “It’s senior year, let’s have fun.” He rose on his elbows. “It’s about time you learnt to enjoy life some more, _Lee_. You can't make it better, so might as well cope in a good way.” He lied down again flat on his back. There was vitality in Jihoon's eyes and fury about him.

He heard the sound of something hitting the bag; a kick. From the corner of his eyes, he saw Jihoon with some alien fierceness in his eyes, some dangerous aura surrounding him, it amplified through the emptiness of the place. Soonyoung decided to let him bottle up.

“Loneliness is state of mind, you either accept it and brace it, or you don’t. The kind of doomed-if-you-do doomed-if-you-don’t choices, you know.” The rate of Jihoon’s kicks was getting faster, harder, Soonyoung felt the soft breeze of air produced due to the swift movements, and heard the silent whimpers of anger tagging along. “The trick to life is how you fool it, if you can’t deal with the pain, at least make it your own choice and create a life paradox.”

He got up to his feet, standing a few paces in front of Jihoon; where it was safe to stand. He was too concentrated, wearing an expression that was neither boredom nor indifference for once in his life.

“How do you feel?” Soonyoung started, taking off his jacket.

“I don’t know.” Jihoon said barely audible. He spun and gave it a flying kick then bent to his knees, avoiding the swinging reaction of the bag.

Soonyoung kicked the bag as hard as he could, remembering how that feeling felt. It hit Jihoon and made him fall back, he grunted inwardly.

“Get up.” Soonyoung held the bag and looked at the fallen soldier.

Jihoon grabbed the bag towards him, steadying it while shooting Soonyoung sparks of his emotions. He started kicking the bag again, his breath labouring with fatigue.

“How do you feel?” Soonyoung demanded again, watching Jihoon carefully.

“ _I don’t know._ ” He hissed. And just as he was spinning for the last kick, Soonyoung gave it a quick back kick so when Jihoon kicked, he was kicking air and he fell on his butt. He blew the air out his cheeks. Once more Soonyoung gave him the cold condescending look and told him to get up, Jihoon pushed him as he got back his bag.

Soonyoung was aware of Jihoon's irritation and ruthlessly played to it.

He watched Jihoon kick, asked him how he felt, and kicked the bag while watching him fall down. Again. Two more times he repeated the process when the third time he said,

“Just focus on your feelings, focus on the feeling that keeps making you get up each time.” And before he could kick the bag again, he was lying flat on his back, feeling some mild pain in his ankle, Jihoon had swooped him off his feet. When he looked up, Jihoon was delivering his last kick.

“I’m _angry_.” Jihoon answered, flushed with emotions. “I’m so _insanely_ angry.”

Soonyoung could see the unrivaled clarity in Jihoon's eyes. Even beneath the anger.

“I’m so angry at Hyung and at myself.” He didn’t stop after the typical outro kick.

“Vent.” Soonyoung said.

“Just angry.”

“ _Vent._ ” Soonyoung screamed out.

Jihoon flinched. “I’m developing hate, hate towards him and towards your brother and towards myself.”

Soonyoung didn’t care about that, his heart was racing, he got on his elbows. Jihoon screamed two more _I’m angry_ and Soonyoung wanted to laugh at the scene. Eventually, nothing ever mattered.

“Hyung is selfish, I am too. He doesn’t give two shits about the consequences and I’m just…” Jihoon stopped, trailing off as he doubled over to catch his breath, the bag was viciously swinging like a pendulum. The effort was crazy. And so was its demonstrator.

“The world is coming apart and I’m hanging by a thread.” He heaved out each word, putting as much effort in his words as was in his kicks.

Soonyoung smiled at the memory.

He got up and put his hands on Jihoon’s shoulders. “Vent. Venting is good. Tell him. Speak out your mind; be honest to your feelings. If you want to cry, cry your heart out. If you want to laugh, laugh till your heart’s content. If you’re angry, rage; blow off some steam. How do you expect people to know how you feel when you never express your feelings, when you don’t _know_?”

He looked at Jihoon fixatedly as he delivered out one of his worst pieces of advice throughout his life, then he saw Jihoon’s expression soften, his eyebrows creasing and eyes shutting, albeit it was pain, it was being gone through, it was permitted, it was being felt.

_Feel, Jihoon. Feel._

Jihoon opened up his eyes a few seconds later.

“There was a shooting star two nights ago,” he scoffed. Soonyoung never mentioned it because he thought if Jihoon hadn’t seen it and the mention of it might upset him. Now he was walking on air. “And I couldn’t wish a damn thing. I couldn’t hope, not back then, Soonyoung.” He looked at Soonyoung with what the latter knew was supposed to be a warm smile, only that Jihoon didn’t mean it to be one. And it was one of the sweetest things he had ever seen. If tears made him beautiful, then a smile’s effect couldn’t be put to earthly words. “You saw it right?”

“I wished upon it.” Soonyoung looked at the ceiling; some sort of an escape from Jihoon’s face, he could hardly contain his feelings, and seeing Jihoon only made them drill more deeply into his heart. It was the part where he should say what he wished for, but he didn’t. “As I said, feelings are private.”

“You are private.”

 _And you noticed._ He shrugged. “Come on, let’s go home. I’m sure Yoojung will be happy to see you.”

Jihoon put on his coat and cold-necessities and he walked out of the dojo, side to side with Soonyoung. At least till Jihoon ditched him and started crossing the street, Soonyoung didn’t follow and he didn’t know why. Jihoon had stopped in the middle of the street, a car honked its horn from a distance, Jihoon still hadn’t moved, Soonyoung started to panic.

“I’m glad it was you.” Jihoon said with the warm smile he had learnt earlier. He looked at the car, it wasn’t too far away, he shrugged. Soonyoung wanted to scream the word move, but he couldn’t. Ultimately, the car passed and Jihoon wasn’t hit.

“You go home without me, I’m going to have a solitary walk.” Jihoon laughed and left before waiting for Soonyoung’s reply.

Soonyoung stood watching his fading silhouette, overcome by emotions, trying to level his heartbeat.

_A world without Jihoon._

The same helplessness. He didn’t want to follow that path his thoughts were leading him in, it was his darkest corner. Where his helplessness prevailed. For a second he thought Jihoon was delivering his last words. His farewell speech, where one would say thanks and goodbye, but that one was one of those goodbye-less farewells. Where one second you were with them, talking, smiling, laughing, learning new things in life and you just closed your eyes to blink and next thing you saw was them not being there. The part where you wished they had left instead of being gone forever.

And that didn’t make him scream the word, shout… it had immobilized him.

It was soon linked to pain, associated with pain, the very real picture of recumbent pain.

He had to take a cab, he had to get home quickly, to run away from the thoughts, from the memories.

 

 

 

****

 

 

He daren’t unplug his earphones nor did he dare to lower the volume, it gave him a headache but it was a better sort of headaches rather than the ones overthinking gave him. He knew his destination, having memorized the route by heart. He was accustomed to going over to that house for so long he almost never knocked now. All he had to do was reach for the spare key and barge in.

And Wonho was never surprised to see him.

Jihoon threw his coat on the coat-hanger, switching off the lights, his way of announcing himself. He was about to head for Wonho’s room when he saw him barging out, fully dressed as if he were going out.

“Maybe I should give you the spare key for good, you know, just to save your precious time of kneeling down.” He teased with a smile.

“Change the locks and I’ll be gone.” Jihoon said, grabbing the nearest book on the table and lying down on the couch.

“You’ll probably pick at my new lock and paint something vindictive on the wall, you might even trash my house. So no, thanks. I’ll pass.”

Wonho stood at the other side of the room so he could face Jihoon who didn’t give him a second glance, leaning on the doorframe as he crossed his arms. “I have somewhere to be.” He said.

“I need to crash and not talk, you can leave me by myself.” It was a book Jihoon hadn’t read before, he would have loved to give it a shot and criticize it. But what he just said was a lie. Partly speaking.

Wonho rolled his eyes. “As I said, you are stupid.”

He grunted, it was an attempt at a sarcastic thanks but obviously he didn’t have the energy.

“Jihoon, take a hint. Leave.” He stretched the word ‘leave’ with his hands in the air as though it had a materialistic existence.

Jihoon spared a glance at him, luckily Wonho didn’t seem mad. “Who’s coming?”

“Seungcheol. I had just left him because he had to finish something with his internee,” Wonho began. Jihoon made a face. “But he said they’ll be here in a while. So _you_ should leave, love.”

Jihoon ignored him and went on reading. The book was being closed and Wonho’s face was hovering over him from behind the couch’s back. Jihoon shook his head and got up, walking to the huge library Wonho owned.

“Where were you?” Wonho asked. Jihoon could hear glasses being put on the table, then the sound of liquid being poured, he didn’t turn around.

“Somewhere.” He moved, drawing out a Shakespeare’s.

“Did I ever tell you that you are like that leech one can’t get rid of?”

He scoffed. “Debatable. Since I’m not the one who never shut the door.” He smirked and turned around. “Figuratively speaking of course.”

He drew out plenty of books, books that history had labeled as tragic and laid them on the floor, he knelt to his knees and looked at them thoughtfully. “Let’s talk. You and I.”

“Eh!?” Wonho was indignant. Jihoon looked up, seeing Wonho, who was holding two glasses, momentarily frozen, then he handed Jihoon one of the drinks.

Jihoon smirked. “I take that’s not juice.” Wonho laughed. “I thought Hyung was coming, I’m a minor.”

“He always thought I was of a bad influence on you.” He shrugged, drawing a book out himself. “But I’m entitled to have at least one of your firsts. I wouldn’t want someone else to ruin you.” He laid the book next to Jihoon’s collection.

“I wonder why Romance is always tragic in every fable,” it was a wistful question.

“You are the teacher.” Jihoon said, he was glad the question wasn’t proposed by himself. He sipped at his liquor and it felt too bitter, like it lacked a few things. It wasn’t such a soulful experience, not that he had expected it to be one.

He crawled on all fours and sat down with his back leaning on the library with Wonho right in front of him, also sitting down. “As I said let’s talk. Tell me what it’s like teaching and preaching so passionately about something you, yourself, never experienced?” Jihoon barked a sarcastic laugh at the idea he just proposed.

But Wonho wasn’t smiling. “Almost as good as you evading a pressing subject.”

_More._

That was how it was always with Jihoon; he just needed someone to push him when he wanted to and he could be driven off edge. Else, it stomped on his pride. “Is it about Seungcheol leaving?”

“I could have not known about that.” Jihoon said sharply.

Wonho sneered. “Yea and I could have been your brother. I’ve known for months now and he had been torn about you, of course I’d know when you do.” He sighed. “How are things with that Soonyoung guy? He seems … good.”

Jihoon squinted his eyes at that. “Not good.”

“I would have guessed quite the opposite, why?”

“Because he knew before you.” Somehow the words weren’t deliberate and Jihoon was glad they weren’t. He wouldn’t have said them had he thought too much into them.

There had been a long pause before Wonho said, “I see.” And being laconic was one thing Shin Hoseok majorly lacked. He finished up the rest of his glass and gulped, his eyes squinting a bit as well, Jihoon was glad it wasn’t only him who thought it was too bitter. He leaned in and held Jihoon’s face in both of his hands, Jihoon cursed, shooting him an evil eye albeit he didn’t fight and Wonho laughed.

“I wish you could face reality sometime soon.” Then there was a spark of something wishful in his eyes. “So you sought him before me and you _talked_ to him.”

Jihoon nodded, he was supposed to be processing but he looked like someone who needed an answer.

“Why do you think you did that?”

_Meh._

“I don’t know.”

He laughed loudly again. “Of course you don’t. Well let _me_ enlighten the mighty Jihoon who for the first time admitted not knowing something. You know what that something is? It’s your own damn feelings.” He spat the last words and his eyes became cold for a second. He recovered before Jihoon could dwell on it then he sat next to Jihoon again, his shoulder deliberately not touching Jihoon as he always made sure was the case.

“There’s always that stupid character in life who even if you held a neon-red flashing sign pointing out something so clearly, they would deny it, they would still remain oblivious of.” He paused to smile and called Jihoon stupid one more time. “The only variable is if they’re deliberately avoiding the subject before or after knowing why they are oblivious of it.” And Wonho knew he needn’t proceed further. There was some sort of pensive silence.

“I was frustrated,” Jihoon mumbled, slightly ashamed. “It wasn’t-” he struggled to find the word, “normal. I was just starting to see the bottom and all I could see was him…” he had to stop himself from talking, he drank up and closed his eyes, feeling the pain of the acid in his empty stomach. When the silence went for long after that statement, he looked up and Wonho’s eyes were wide, it wasn’t shock and it wasn’t pain, it was something that soon melted into a proud-mother expression.

“That’s… that is quite the progress.” A pause. “Well I think it’s natural. I mean your world is falling apart, crumbling down, you feel like it’s burning slowly into ashes. What you seek is your beloved, you’re starting to break and you need something to keep you from falling deeper, you need something to hold on to, and that something is someone who’s none but him.”

It was Jihoon’s turn to replicate Wonho’s former expression of the cousin of shock. “And I thought you couldn’t get worse out of class.”

He shook his head, frustrated, Jihoon regretted saying so –closest thing to regret. “You love him.”

He didn’t miss a beat, his eyes darted quickly to Wonho’s, who took Jihoon’s glass and emptied it in his stomach and looked forward. “And you are just too stupid to see it. Maybe you would once you lose him.” He had hit Jihoon’s head lightly with a hardcover book before getting up.

Jihoon smiled. He had a lot to work out.

_Maybe it is as simple._

“How do I know?” He shouted after Wonho, truly seeking an answer.

“You are being uncharacteristic, Jihoon.” He answered from the kitchen after a short brief.

“That wasn’t my question.” Jihoon was fidgety, he got to his feet and by the time he passed the main door to the kitchen, the doorbell had rung. Wonho gestured for him to open.

Having opened the door, just like that he was standing face to face with Jeonghan, hearing his own brother’s voice in the distance as well.

“Jeonghan!” Wonho said cheerfully on appearing next to Jihoon, going for a hug which didn’t seem to peeve Jeonghan. He pushed Jihoon away slightly for he was in the way of his hug.

“You know him?” Jihoon asked, rudely pointing at Jeonghan while giving him his back to face Wonho once again.

“That’s the internee, smartass.” He replied but Jihoon was coldly looking at him.

“Your finger!” It was Seungcheol who pushed down Jihoon’s hand and closed the door. He seemed in high-spirits, they all did. “Remind me, Wonho, why are you hosting my _younger_ brother in your apartment so late at night?”

Seungcheol knew nothing about how Jihoon always crashed here, but he knew they knew each other, after all Seungcheol was the one who introduced them and they, Seungcheol and Wonho, could be tracked down to high-school days.

“I was asking Seonsangnim about something but he was of no use to me,” Jihoon said, focusing his eyes only on Wonho, grabbing his coat as he spoke. “I was just about to head out myself. He didn’t even answer my question.”

And when he was about to turn, feeling three pairs of eyes on his back, Wonho said –too loudly, “Who said I didn’t?” Jihoon froze for a second, he even struggled with turning the doorknob that Jeonghan had to step forward and open the door for him. “As I said, Jihoon, you are being uncharacteristic.” He said then laughed.

Jihoon was about to go out but Jeonghan’s hand was blocking his path, he looked up to get a look at his eyes, Jeonghan was smiling warmly and for a second he thought that was Soonyoung. “You don’t.” He said, more of a whisper. And when Jihoon looked at him, puzzled, he added. “You don’t know. It’s part of the charm.”

And without saying anything, he went out. Jeonghan’s warm smile lingered in his memory even as he looked at him bleakly, almost menacingly.

 


	10. Jupiter

 

 

Lee Chan.

Soonyoung was still trying to establish how he felt about the guy. The way he paid attention to Jihoon kinda pissed Soonyoung off, however, he provided a sense of normality being around Jihoon. As if Jihoon were an actual person with a noticeable presence and not like how he wanted to be; inconspicuous.

But what perplexed him even more wasn’t the Dongsaeng, it was the Seonsangnim.

At first, Soonyoung didn’t particularly feel anything toward Hoseok-ssam, but he somehow formed a bond of likeability towards him. He was that _cool_ teacher every student dreamed of having. The one whose classes were enjoyable even if the subject was boring, shouldn’t you like the subject, you would like the teacher. But that was a double-edged weapon, with his recklessness that came along with his young age and his easygoing demeanour, tagged a strong sense of carelessness. Something that would degrade any teacher. Something that made Soonyoung circumspect around him. Something that found a way to Jihoon's _heart_.

 “Soonyoung-Sunbae looks affected,” Chan said, laughing, “he’s got that weird look on his face.”

He smiled politely, handling his expression, he looked at the campfire in hope of avoiding his laughing classmates. It was almost midnight and only a small group stayed awake in spite of the pleas of Hoseok-ssam to the senior teacher. He was sitting on a log, Jihoon -to his left- who was almost hidden except nobody gave him the peace of mind required for his mental absence.

“You were wearing rather a dark expression.” Jihoon remarked when Chan got engaged in a conversation with another friend.

“I did.” Soonyoung went back to staring at their cool Seonsangnim. Barely noticing Jihoon again.

“You did, yea, I could visualize a murderous-intent aura spilling out of your eyes.”

Soonyoung made no comment.

“Enough with that gibberish, let’s talk for real.” Minhyuk, another Dongsaeng said. The group was a total of six excluding Seonsangnim. “Since we’re still minors and we have a strict teacher on our ass,”

Seonsangnim hit him lightly on the head. “Don’t use that kind of language in my presence,” which aroused some laughter that neither Jihoon nor the preoccupied Soonyoung joined.

“Hai-Hai, Seonsangnim.” He mumbled something under his breath about how they took away the girls and made them sleep, calling Seonsangnim a lousy diplomat for not being able to bargain for the girls’ curfew as well. “You guys know what’s worse than men being afraid of something? It’s men being ashamed of their fear.” He was smiling impishly which fit the shadow the campfire casted.

“I have a proposal before our brave friend here goes further into details, boring details actually.” And that was how Chan got nudged, implementing a necessary break in that small pause. “We will play whatever game he wants if he comes forth with his _fear_.”

A few objections arose, all knowing if Minhyuk did confess a fear of his, they would all have to confess in turn. It was the simplest rule to any game, it even applied to everything in life. But wasn’t life the biggest game ever?

They kept arguing, Soonyoung could swear since Chan’s little remark about his ‘weird expression’, Seonsangnim had spared him a lot of glances which ended with them lock-gazing for longer than a brief before Seonsangnim settled down the little fray by approving the game.

“It’s a good game, it helps character growth. Now can someone make that gloomy kid and his somber friend there participate.” Seonsangnim said.

At first, all Soonyoung noticed was the reference to Jihoon as somber, he didn’t notice he himself just got called gloomy.

He laughed, hoping it didn’t come out strained. “I think I’ll turn in for the night, it’s been fun tho.” He was about to get up when Jihoon's hand grabbed his, forcing his half-get-up down. It astounded Soonyoung by all means, yet he couldn’t help seeing the smirk on Seonsangnim’s face before turning to his somber friend.

“Stay, this game should prove to be fun.” Jihoon had a half-smile on his face, he even stopped fidgeting and brooding and was all hands on deck.

“Shouldn’t there be some kind of penalty for he who should fail to confess his weakness?” Minhyuk said, obviously trying to weasel his way out of this game.

“There is no guarantee you’re telling the truth either. Chill, Minhyuk.” It was Hansol, the busybody of their class.

At that, Jihoon found his little sneer.

“Somber kid here has a different opinion.” It was Seonsangnim.

Some other day, Soonyoung would have fought Seonsangnim over that comment, but he was too piqued to dissipate his curiosity for manners. And he shifted his gaze just in time to see the half-smile being replaced with an evil expression aimed towards Seonsangnim. Luckily, almost everyone was disputing everyone’s manliness they took no notice.

“I’ll take the initiative. But we’re doing it in turns and it’s not open to discussion.” Chan announced. “Dogs scare the living shit of me. I remember seeing one and running the other direction last week, it was more of a fast-pace actually.” He shook his head, his attempt at hiding his shame was impressive nonetheless. And it was received by the usual taunts that were present with any kind of confessions, then admiration followed despite the honesty and finally came understanding.

Maybe it wasn’t so bad, Soonyoung would stay and play. If that was the stick he should focus on the carrot. Jihoon would have to speak up at some point, wouldn’t he?

Minhyuk couldn’t stand the sight of blood, Junhui –surprisingly he and Seokmin were present and bore no hard feelings, sort of- was scared of high amplitudes and Seokmin’s nightmare was to fail high school. Soonyoung found himself loosening up, maybe even liking the group more than he did a few minutes ago.

“What’s Seonsangnim scared of?” Seokmin said it in a challenging tone. And normally, Seonsangnim laughed. The way he was _always_ smiling scared even someone like Soonyoung. Yet, disliking the guy was out of the question.

“I’ve a strong phobia of cats, I would rather take a bullet in my head than have a cat near me.” Seonsangnim was talking and Soonyoung watched Jihoon as he watched him. “It’s your turn, Hoshi.”

Soonyoung had been too caught up in thoughts he forgot to prepare his ‘fear’. He wasn’t fond of lying, it wasn’t something he was ashamed of either, but it was hard for him to share his feelings with people who weren’t close to him. He smiled and, boy, it was nervous.

_It’s all about the tone._ He knew the reception of a speech was a parallel line to how one delivered it. And unless one was joking, nothing would ever be taken lightly, much less ever pass unnoticed.

“Well it’s not really as grand as any of you, I-” the moment of hesitation might have cost him his dignity but his quick recovery made the pause seem almost deliberate, “I don’t think I would fear anything more than seeing a beloved die in front of my eyes.”

Before he could laugh, Seonsangnim did him a favour by saying it was something everyone feared and there came the laughter then the acknowledgement.

They only stopped when it came to realization only Jihoon remained now and all eyes zoomed in on him.

He shrugged.

Soonyoung debated if Jihoon even feared anything. Or maybe he did but that was something he was definitely not going to share.

“Grace us with your fear, Lee.” Junhui prompted, it was good-natured but he tried to make it sound rough.

_It’s going to be nothing in particular isn’t it?_ Soonyoung wasn’t done thinking that when Jihoon had voiced it. It almost made him hoot with laughter but he didn’t because Jihoon didn’t shut up just yet.

He had to add, “The toothbrushes in our house are quite similar, and I’m always scared of grabbing the wrong toothbrush.” He had looked like someone on the verge of vomiting by the time he finished his sentence, providing some credibility. That one sentence left Soonyoung with eyes wide open.

Seemingly, Seonsangnim was as much of a stare that night as Soonyoung. But then again he felt indebted for having saved him earlier. He assembled their little group and declared it was about time to call it a night and everyone headed for their tents. Naturally, Jihoon was last to get up but what wasn’t natural was that Seonsangnim only said good night and left.

Soonyoung and Jihoon walked the short distance to their tent in silence, half of it was because Jihoon was admiring the sky; the stars, and the other half was because Soonyoung was too engrossed with his very own star.

“I wish we could sleep without a tent.” Jihoon said, “The stars are exceptionally bright tonight.” Soonyoung knew he wasn’t joking about wanting to sleep without a tent. He was blocking the way to the tent, facing Soonyoung.

“Doesn’t it make you sad? That their brightness is only an indication of their lifespan shortening, as if it were a sizzling fuse; the shorter it gets, the brighter a star is.” Soonyoung didn’t notice how he had phrased it until he saw what he called _Jihoon's blinking expression_ , one of the few expressions Jihoon's face knew, the one he wore when he was innocently amused or confused, it somehow bothered Soonyoung how only him saw it.

He eventually smiled, then chuckled then laughed. It was Soonyoung's turn to blink.

“Just give it to a Kwon and he’ll romanticize it.” He sat down by the tent-opening. “Also, I’ve to admit you shocked me back then when you admitted your worst fear.” He smirked.

It was as though Soonyoung didn’t have to process it. “Likewise, I didn’t think you would tell the truth either.”

Jihoon’s face hardened. “What makes you think I did? It’s a toothbrush, Soonyoung.”

_Exactly_.

“Do you understand how my life goes? I hardly fear.” He proceeded, his tone softer. Soonyoung felt his sympathy surfacing.

 “Actually it tells more than just that, it’s a matter of relativity that might trigger your utmost fear.” Soonyoung wished he didn’t press the subject like that. And he could tell Jihoon was beyond shock.

_If something like that scares you so much, then you’ve no idea how deep your fear goes._

_“_ No one ever responds like that.” Jihoon said as he crawled into the tent, dismissing the subject.

Soonyoung followed suit. “Sorry, I’m a bit out of it.”

He could still picture Hoseok-ssam in front of Jihoon after pushing him against a tree. Albeit they were just talking, he was infinitely vexed by the scene. And for the millionth time, Soonyoung was overcome by wanting to flood Jihoon with unspoken words, he wanted them to transcend, he wanted to speak out feelings enough for the two of them; emotions he felt around Jihoon that was an overflow of what all humans combined could ever feel.

“There’s something you’ve to hear out.” It was dark as they lied down in the tent.

At first Jihoon didn’t speak. “Is it related to that you wanted to say the day Jungyeon got stabbed?”

It didn’t register, somehow Soonyoung was amazed at how well Jihoon remembered that, and more awed at how quickly he always connected the dots. “Yes.”

“Then I don’t think I should hear it.”

It made Soonyoung's heart sink, almost demotivated him, but it was come hell or high water now. He got up on his elbows and said, more decisively, “No, Jihoon. You’ll listen.” It was almost angry that he could feel Jihoon shifting in the dark. “What I wanted to tell you that day shouldn’t be a mystery to you, you’re smarter than to be oblivious, but then again you’re always blinded to that kind of stuff,” he gained courage, hostility fueled his emotions and he was heated enough, better than any kind of recklessness an adrenaline rush could give. “I’m in love with you.”

And there was a long deafening silence.

Only Soonyoung's loud even breathing was plain heard after his confession.

Another shuffling sound, then Jihoon's something –probably forearm- touched Soonyoung's. Soonyoung half-turned and lit the lamp in the same time Jihoon was saying, “You’re so cruel making that out in the open.” And he was ill-fated enough to see what seemed like Jihoon's hurt expression.

He stared speechlessly at the alien expression introduced to him in a night as dark as his heart back then.

“I’m going out for a walk.” Soonyoung said and abandoned the tent.

Everything inside him churned and hurt.

_What did you expect?_

Soonyoung had a reason for not wanting to share his feelings with people who weren’t close to him, it was everybody’s reason. One always wounded up getting hurt. No one ever liked getting hurt. But Jihoon? How closer could they get.

He didn’t feel ashamed, he didn’t regret it either. The question of what he had expected was what filled his mind, he expected nothing, it wasn’t a flat-out rejection, and it was Jihoon who was involved. He didn’t understand that guy in the least. He wanted to let way to anger, but he didn’t have enough of that in him and like hell he couldn’t direct it towards the one person he loved.

And as if everything were conspiring against him, he ran into Hoseok-ssam. He was sitting almost on the tip of the cliff, reading a book. As if he noticed Soonyoung's presence he closed the book and tilted his head very painfully to the back and said, “ ‘ _Has he come home? He who went back, across the great-mouthed Wolf’s Moor, deep in thoughts of me?’_ ” He sighed dreamily.

It was just then that Soonyoung confirmed how sly Shin Hoseok was.

He continued reciting but his eyes were focused on the moon, “ ‘ _Troubled with thoughts of him..’”_

_Who had gone from me,_

“ ‘ _Who had gone from me, I, too, c-’”_

“ _‘-couldn’t sleep the whole night through.’ ”_ Soonyoung finished the poem for his Seonsangnim.

They both sighed in sync.

“You know that one line of that one poem which strikes you harder than lightening? The feelings it gives you the first time you read it? It just sticks with you, you carry it around as if it were a part of your body, sometimes as an armour, other times as an eye opener. Is it foreign to you?” Seonsangnim asked, motioning for Soonyoung to sit beside him. It looked suicidal, but Soonyoung himself had just gotten out from his kamikaze attempt.

He nodded, he was high on that feeling. “It’s my heroin, almost as sad as the feeling of having known what love is but no longer feeling the same about it or about they whom you loved.”

“That’s a really sad thing for someone your age to say.” His Seonsangnim gave him long stare but Soonyoung didn’t look back.

“You like poetry?” Soonyoung asked.

“I like all kinds of literature, but this one collection is special to me.” He handed Soonyoung the book he was reading earlier. “Although only recently did I read it. And this specific poem is my best-friend’s absolute favourite.”

Soonyoung had read this poem when he was fourteen, and it did touch his core at that young age.

“I was right to be cautious of you, Seonsangnim.” Soonyoung turned to face him with a smile.

“That’s not a very nice thing to tell your Seonsangnim, Hoshi.”

“It’s not really nice to pour salts into open wounds either.”

Seonsangnim smiled without humour and looked forward. Soonyoung stared on as well.

“He’s a fool, you should know that by now. Deep down he’s all mushy, I bet you either had already reached his essence or paving your way to it.”

_With a teaspoon, yea._

“He was reading this very book, just so you know.” Seonsangnim said and Soonyoung wanted to disbelieve that. Jihoon was never a poem-kind-of-guys.

He got up and patted Soonyoung on the back gently. A piece fell into it designated place as he watched his Seonsangnim’s back.

“Seonsangnim, by any chance does Choi Seungcheol-hyung happen to be your bestfriend?”

“Huh? How did you know?” Seonsangnim answered back.

Soonyoung only smiled back, wanting to scream at him to leave, he would have jumped off the cliff back then if he didn’t have so many unfinished businesses.

And like that Seonsangnim was gone.

Soonyoung looked up in search for the bright star, but obviously it had already exploded.

 

 

 

 

 

Jihoon watched the bright star explode in the night sky, a bright flash then poof, it was gone. And for who-knows-how-many-times he felt the melancholy each exploding star gifted him with. He couldn’t sleep because Soonyoung was still out and it tormented him.

He set off just in time to meet the retreating Wonho. He was whistling, Jihoon looked blankly at him as they crossed path. “I would go to the cliff if I were you.” He said causing Jihoon to smile as he silently thanked his teacher, then went all the way to the cliff.

Also in time for Jihoon to watch Soonyoung walking away, he was staring at the stars as he walked. Jihoon knew at this rate Soonyoung would bump into him yet he kept striding forward.

Soonyoung jumped back, startled as Jihoon had tickled him before they bumped into each other, Jihoon who only realized it was a stupid thing to do because Soonyoung could have fallen off the slope and with another elaborate thought he noticed it was going to be such a long fall.

Jihoon smiled mischievously, making weird tickling gestures with his hands, as if threatening Soonyoung. “You’re tickly.” He teased. There was about seven feet between him and the recently-fallen-down Soonyoung.

Soonyoung got up, sighing. “I’m not.”

Jihoon decided to put his theory into practice. He started taking steps forward, not stopping any of the weird hand-tickling-signs or wiping off his devious smirk. “Say that again when you’re not backing away defensively.”

And suddenly Soonyoung too was smiling, “I’m not, Jihoon, stop.”

And quickly Jihoon closed the last remaining strides to tickle Soonyoung but the latter caught his hands and spun him around so he would be the cornered one, but unlike Soonyoung, Jihoon was one step closer to the edge and he seemed like he couldn’t keep his balance.

Jihoon wasn’t sure what was happening but Soonyoung's expression went aghast. Jihoon laughed and managed to stand still, he never lost his balance in the first place. “You’re so easy to fool, Kwon Soonyoung.” He just wouldn’t stop laughing.

Soonyoung stomped his feet and started walking. Jihoon decided this wasn’t the best policy to make up with your upset friend.

“That was really not funny.”

Jihoon stopped laughing. “I’m sorry,” he was catching up to him.

“No, it’s _really_ not funny.” Soonyoung shouted as he turned to face Jihoon.

He was speechless, they looked at each other, and Jihoon was slightly ashamed. When Soonyoung turned around to keep on walking, Jihoon got the sense of déjà vu, the ground was giving way and the aghast expression prevailed, except it was Soonyoung in his place this time and Soonyoung was really falling.

And Jihoon reacted without giving it any thought, his hand reached for the falling Soonyoung but he was already too deep into falling that the weight of Soonyoung falling had pulled them both down.

And they started rolling down the long slope, Jihoon could feel the pebbles and rocks bruising his body, he could feel Soonyoung's body against his as they fell.

And he could feel the hard impact of when he finally collided against the concrete, rocky ground.

Jihoon groaned, closing his eyes in pain.

“Are you okay?” Soonyoung's voice came out weak, Jihoon opened his eyes and looked to his right, he felt a weight being removed from his chest. “My God, you’re bleeding!”

Jihoon smirked wanly then winced when a droplet of blood shadowed his left eyelid.

Soonyoung got up and looked up, trying to find a way to climb back up. “Snap.” He said then crouched down holding his head in his hands. Jihoon sat up and looked at Soonyoung, he seemed out of it by all aspects.

“Please tell me you’ve your phone.”

Jihoon searched his jacket’s pocket and got out his phone; or what used to be a phone. “Broken.” He sighed.

When Jihoon tried to stand up Soonyoung said, “Do you’ve any idea how many injuries you have?” he looked patronizing. “Stay still.” He cursed lightly under his breath and looked for his napkin, unfolded it and pressed it to Jihoon's temple. It hurt the latter a bit.

“I can hold it.” Jihoon said, gently shoving away Soonyoung's hand.

“You should have left me, it’s no use having two stuck people while one of them is injured.”

Jihoon didn’t understand what was wrong with Soonyoung, he didn’t seem like himself, he looked too agitated. “Calm down, it’s just a simple slope.”

“A simple slope!” Soonyoung exclaimed, “Your head is bleeding,” he rolled up Jihoon's pants, “Your leg is bruised, a potential fracture, your arm is abraded and …” he shut himself up.

Jihoon narrowed his eyes. “I’m fine,” it was a white lie, “What is wrong with you?”

Soonyoung looked at him like he were a hopeless imbecile, disbelieving such stupidity could even exist. “You’re just stupid.” He shook his head.

“The fuck is wrong with you, Soonyoung!” Jihoon began to lose what remained of his cool, he sat up more aggressively and looked darkly at Soonyoung.

“… I don’t know, I don’t know okay, I’m just angry!” despite its sincerity, it enraged Jihoon.

“What do you mean you don’t know, who should then?”

Soonyoung jeered and looked back at Jihoon's eyes. “You’re telling _me_ that.”

Jihoon fell silent, his neutral hard expression taking over, analyzing the situation. “Get a grip.” He murmured steadily.

It seemed like that one simple phrase triggered Soonyoung's inhibitions. “I can’t do this anymore, I just can’t.” He said with his hands rising up in the air resignedly. “You’re playing the fool as always. Do we have to fight about this every time?”

Soonyoung needn’t an answer, Jihoon came out of the tent initially to apologize, to make things better, but he was adding water to the mud.

“I know I’m special to you, you can’t tell me I’m no different than anyone else to you, I _know_ you feel something for me and this’s unfair, I’m suffering just because you can’t open your goddamn heart to me.” He seemed like someone on the verge of breaking down and Jihoon stifled the impulse to flinch.

Jihoon gulped and said, composedly, calmly and as tenderly as he could, “What does that have to do with anything?”

“It has everything to do with everything.” Soonyoung hissed, an unusual sound to Jihoon's ears.

Jihoon decided the best way to solve this without losing his very own soundness was to let Soonyoung feel it all and let it all out, the same way Soonyoung always handled him. It was true that one can be so rational about ways to approach a problem till he was the one facing it.

“I’m sorry,” Soonyoung apologized, bowing down his head, “I just can’t. I don’t want anyone getting hurt because of me, I’m tired of the selfish request of wanting to save someone, it’s no sacrifice or heroic action to save someone and die in the process-”

Unconsciously, Jihoon interjected, “I wasn’t going to die.”

“You didn’t know that, and you’d not have cared if you did, stop lying to me.” It was the closest thing to a pained hiss. Jihoon couldn’t open his mouth because there was some inarguable logic in what Soonyoung had just said. “I don’t know if I can protect you anymore, not that I ever succeeded in doing so,” Soonyoung clutched to his head the way someone would if there were voices they wanted to shut out in their head, which Jihoon gambled was the case. He moved closer to him, having something akin to a plan in mind.

 “You’ll be taken away from me any second now-”

He hushed the hysteric Soonyoung his own way. Jihoon pushed the latter back gently, his body complaining as he moved, he tasted the dust off Soonyoung's lips, the blood from his dripping temple got mingled with what used to be Soonyoung's tear. He broke off for a second to take a look at Soonyoung whose eyes were slowly opening now, he realized he, himself, was smiling affectionately.

“What’s this?” Soonyoung asked, voice shallow and somehow dubious.

And Jihoon had to answer with another long kiss. Soonyoung’s hand gripping the back of his head tightly as Jihoon’s hands held the sides of Soonyoung’s face just as tightly. He only backed away once more only to apologize. He would have gone further except he saw a flashlight from above, he got off Soonyoung, faintly hearing his objections.

“Wonho!” Jihoon called out.

Soonyoung got to his feet and looked up to where Jihoon was looking.

“Talk about timing,” he said a little bit dejectedly.

Jihoon glanced at him sideways, Soonyoung had looked like a lost sad puppy that Jihoon had to stifle the impulse to smile. “Wonho, here!”

“How do you even know it’s him?” Soonyoung asked but when Jihoon gave him an are-you-kidding-me-look he added. “You’re probably right.” He bent to the ground, got a pebble, took four steps back, swung his arm and threw the pebble, “Hoseok-Seonsangnim!!”

Jihoon laughed at that.

_Seonsangnim, right._

The flashlight beam started getting stronger, _he_ was getting closer. A face appeared at the top. “You guys can’t ever stay out of trouble, can you?” And it really was Wonho.

“Less talk, more helping.” Jihoon said.

“Let me work then.” He said then disappeared for a few seconds.

Jihoon looked at Soonyoung. “It’s scary, isn’t it?” there was a hint of compassion in his voice that worried Soonyoung.

Soonyoung pressed his lips. “Not really, we would have been saved eventually.”

A rope dangled down and Wonho rushed them.

Jihoon threw a look at the sky, the place where he knew the star had exploded a while ago, it already had a new tiny star. And that was how the universe worked, for every dying life, another life should be born.

And life goes on.

 

 

 

 

 

As peaceful as he was, Soonyoung liked nothing more than harmony. And when everything was stabilized and it seemed like all was going too well, he started tying loose ends. He just fixed his relation with Jungyeon, at least they were talking normally as the friends they had once been. It was two mornings after their camp had ended, also three nights after he had confessed to Jihoon.

But the day could be marked by another event, it was the first morning the Lee family had without their eldest son.

He was just saying goodbye to Jeonghan, heading to meet up with Jungyeon in the mall when he saw Jihoon slamming his house’s front door, clearly dissatisfied. It always made Soonyoung want to laugh, how Jihoon never spoke his dissatisfaction yet expressed it in a million other ways. Soonyoung couldn’t read Jihoon's lips well from the distance and Jihoon still hadn’t seen him yet, calling out to Jihoon was out of the question because his earphones were plugged on and Jihoon was already pacing down the street under the sun of a cold January morning. To Soonyoung's luck, Jihoon was already taking the same route Soonyoung had originally planned on taking.

He let Jihoon have a head-start, watched him cross the street then he jogged the small distance and pulled out one of Jihoon's earphones from behind. Jihoon turned around and stared at Soonyoung.

And Jihoon surprised him with a smile, one that was more genuine than a simple casual smile.

“Where’re you heading?” Jihoon initiated a conversation which made Soonyoung more than pleased.

“I’m meeting up with Yoojung, wanna join us?”

They were walking but Jihoon took longer than usual to reply. “Is there anyone else with you guys?”

“You’ve known me for almost a year and you’d still ask such a question.” It was a side comment not intended to be heard. “No, Jihoon. I’m not much of a fan of large numbers.”

“I don't know, maybe I would, I’ll walk you there tho.”

Soonyoung smiled and matched his pace with Jihoon’s.

“So when is Jeonghan-hyung leaving?”

That was news to Soonyoung, but deep down he knew this would have to happen. “Is that an assumption or a fact?”

“A theory. Hyung left eighteen hours ago, I would give your brother a few days or a week tops.” Jihoon shrugged.

Soonyoung fell silent, he stole a sideway glance at Jihoon, he didn’t seem any different, he ventured a question. “How serious do you think they are?”

Jihoon gave it a thought then answered, “Serious enough to keep it hidden.” He paused, “How do you think your father would react?”

_Knowing his two sons are dating guys?_ Soonyoung laughed loudly, his eyes closing in spite of the humour, or the lack of it. _He would fly us a bird._

“Not well. I’m not sure. I mean it was a surprise Cheonsa went out with Seungcheol-hyung, he’s never been that interested in any of his exes, who weren’t that many. How many, I wonder,” Soonyoung started counting the girls Jeonghan went out with; he went out with his first crush in middle school, a steady in ninth grade, another during high school, the senior-year girlfriend and a casual in college and lastly Seungcheol. “In the past seven or eight years he went out with about five girls, then came Seungcheol-hyung.”

Jihoon nodded.

When Soonyoung stole his second sideway glance after a while, Jihoon was biting his lips.

“Could you ever hate a person?”

That took Soonyoung off guard and he didn’t know where it came from but he replied nonetheless, “I can’t answer to be honest. I mean hatred is a feeling so similar to love but in the opposite direction-”

Jihoon scoffed, “How’s that similar?”

“Both are strong, both are because you care more than casually and both can be your ruin.”

“Romanticist.”

“Misanthropist.” Soonyoung shot back, making Jihoon smile. “I was saying, unless he or she stepped on a dangerous landmine, I don’t think I could hate them. And it is so circumstantial, it depends on that person and how much I’m willing to forgive him or her,” he stopped, having a sudden thought, he smiled to himself then voiced his thoughts. “For instance, Jihoon, there’re plenty of things _you_ had done to me I’d have never accepted from anyone else.” It wasn’t offensive.

“Then why did you?” Jihoon was smirking. “I never gave you an answer.”

Soonyoung flinched at that but soon rekindled his smile. “I know, I don’t want it now, although soon would be nice. But that’s the kind of exception you are, it’s because it is you that I don’t want to rush an answer.” He blushed at that. Even if they kissed, even if it was Jihoon who jumped him, it didn’t mean anything, it could be anything, it could be ‘caught up in the moment.’

They reached the main door of the mall, Soonyoung saw Jungyeon walking from the opposite direction, regardless she didn’t notice them. He was about to speak but Jihoon beat him to it. “Honestly, Soonyoung, I think I feel bad about that.”

_Then give me an answer already!_ Soonyoung thought, but he grinned and shrugged. “Are you prejudiced against the gender?”

“What!” Jihoon's expression went dark, he looked as though he were actually offended, nonetheless he spoke calmly, “If there’s someone out there who is willing to intrude into my life and try and change it, then I might helplessly fall in love with them and then it would never matter what gender they are.”

_But that person is here!!_ Soonyoung subdued the voices and smiled.  
  
“Good morning, brother, good morning, neighbour.” Jungyeon said with a bright morning smile. And they greeted her back. “I’ll borrow him for a second.” She said, grabbing Soonyoung's arm and Jihoon didn’t have the time to react.

“Listen,” she said in an urgent tone. “I was at a friend’s yesterday and I’m crashing there for a few days, Hyung said goodbye and all,”

“Yoojung, I already know that.” Soonyoung's smile didn’t falter.

“Yes. What I mean is I know we had a small conflict,” he was about to brush it off, “Yea, yea, all history, I know. You see what I’m driving at is that, he’s my brother and I love him but as I always say he’s really stupid about that kind of stuff, his first date ever was _my_ friend, so I got the scoop.”

When Soonyoung's expression changed, Jungyeon found a way to an amused smile. “He went out with someone before?”

And now the smile was a smirk, runs in the family. “You didn’t think he was a virgin, did you?”

He almost laughed, “No, not to that extent, but,” he stopped talking because maybe it was to that extent. All he added was a sigh.

“Thrice actually, my friend was the one he lost it to, it was _very_ casual then another who lasted two weeks and his last only lasted five days, you should have seen that, it was hilarious.”

They both smiled, he looked over his shoulder, Jihoon was fiddling with his phone, earphones plugged in. He couldn’t picture Jihoon as boyfriend material at all, it amused him all the more.

“That’s how I knew he likes you, even if he hadn’t told you yet.” She kept blurting.

“Yoojung, I’m really sorry, but can you cut to the chase,”

She blinked twice at him. “You’re becoming rude, wow, Jihoon's effect is that quick.”

He laughed and she joined him. “Just kidding, I think you’ve always been like that. Anyhow, it was a gamble, I’ve a date in twenty minutes, I was hoping you’d meet him on your way out or I’d have called him and you guys would hang out.”

Soonyoung's eyes were wide with shock, the good kind of shock. She gave him a slap on the back. “Have fun, Hoshi.” He turned to say his thanks, she tiptoed a bit and pecked his cheek with a small kiss. “Please keep your promise,” she whispered, “No matter what.”

“I won’t leave him, I’ve made that crystal clear.” He said determinedly and she waved then left.

He walked back to Jihoon, waiting for him to notice his presence.

“Where’s Jungyeon?” Jihoon asked.

“She has a date, she said to tell you she said bye.” He smiled a fool’s smile.

“I see.”

_Yea._

“Let’s not waste the day, let’s have fun.” Soonyoung said, flexing his stiff muscles.

“No more dojos?” Jihoon asked skeptically.

“No more dojos.” Soonyoung answered back decisively.

 

They went to watch a movie, mostly it was popcorn munching, till the movie break came.

“Suppose we weren’t minors,” Soonyoung whispered, there was a couple flirting to their left and a group of four girls in front of them and a family behind them, “Should I get you drunk so we could talk?”

“It probably goes against your ethics.” Jihoon replied simply.

_Not really._ “Trust me, Jihoon, there’re plenty of things that go against my ethics I’m willing to do just because it _is_ you.”

Jihoon sighed. “This movie is really boring.”

He couldn’t agree more. “What do you say we do, should we ditch it?”

Jihoon spun around and gave the kid what remained of his popcorn then got up, the parents were speechless. Soonyoung shot the kid an evil eye, slightly envying him.

“She’s not gonna die eventually.” Soonyoung said from where he stood, as if he were talking to Jihoon who was already at the door. “She’s not even the person Jackson is looking for.” He smirked as he watched the fruit of what he had just done, people grunted and started complaining, the girls called him a jerk, a guy seemed like he would take a swing at him but Soonyoung didn’t care, he was already out of the cinema hall and by Jihoon's side.

“Why did you do that?” Jihoon asked, sincerely amused. “That’s definitely not the ending.”

“So you read the book,” Soonyoung was impressed, it wasn’t the kind of books he thought Jihoon would read. “Misleading them can be fun. If anyone had a brain there he would dismiss what I had said, but once they form the possibility, they’ll see the movie in a different light, I actually did them a favour.” He was smug.

“Well yea, never mind, I don't even care.” He chuckled, Soonyoung's most favourite sound.

“There’s a food court next block, what do you say?” he suggested.

“I want to buy something from the pharmacy first.” Jihoon was already quick on his feet, almost halfway done with crossing the street all the way to the pharmacy. Soonyoung wouldn’t let himself think about what Jihoon would be buying and he wagered he wouldn’t get the chance to see it due to Jihoon's multiple-pockets jacket.

He started fixing his clothes since he didn’t get to when he so abruptly aborted mission in the cinema hall and by the time he was done, so had been Jihoon.

“Let’s go.”

And so they were heading for food.

They ordered plenty of food and started eating up all the junk, they were chatting almost like normal teenagers, they talked about stuff that seemed to make Jihoon happy for all that laughter, or maybe it was the companion. They went through movies, anime, football, stupid things people do, criticizing shitty books together, Jihoon taunting Soonyoung about being too dreamy, Soonyoung teasing Jihoon about how he wouldn’t admit his soft side. They had their fun and their in-jokes.  
  
“Real charming,” Jihoon said, looking down at his food as his laughter began to die down. “There’s a grain of rice on your cheek.” He didn’t bother motioning.

Next thing Soonyoung knew was Jihoon being next to him instead of in front of him. “Glad you’re going to remove it yourself.” It was true but it, the proximity, also stressed out Soonyoung's heart.

Jihoon wiped his cheek with a napkin and Soonyoung turned his head to the side just in time to kiss Jihoon. It was sweet even though it didn’t last long, they both had to deal with stuff like being in public, especially when pink-haired, angry guys stared at them. Soonyoung narrowed his eyes as he looked at the intruder then smiled to himself.

“Can you give me a few minutes? I’ve to get something.” He got up and headed for the supermarket leaving Jihoon alone with their slowly-being-finished food.

His grin was too boyishly-devious when he came back that Jihoon had to ask him what had happened, it was the kind of grins a conspirer kid wore when he knew he had cornered his prey, moving in for the kill. Jihoon's expression amused Soonyoung even more.

“Accompany me to the rest room?” it sounded like a request from Soonyoung's lips, but in fact his hands made it sound like he was informing Jihoon.

Thus, he basically shoved Jihoon in, scaring the little kid who was peeing that he left without washing his hands. He poised Jihoon in front of the mirror –for the first time he found some use to it- and said, “What’s the most uncalculated thing you’ve ever done?”

Jihoon gave a noncommittal shrug.

He smiled and fished out the loot from his jacket pocket, it was a blue dye.

“No freaking way!” Jihoon said, it wasn’t refusal, it was disbelief, which was why Soonyoung grew dubious.

“What?” He asked, wearing a fool’s half-grin.

Jihoon fidgeted with his pocket till he got out a pink dye, a comb and a pair of scissors.

“No freaking way!” It was Soonyoung's exclamation of utter disbelief this time. They both started laughing so loud that when a man entered he couldn’t help but stare.

“I want you to cut my hair.” Jihoon said, the laughter effect still hadn’t washed away.

“I’ve never done that before.” Soonyoung was wary, Jihoon's hair was one of his good points, kept relatively tall. In winter, he admired it even more; watching strands of hair shake in the stream of his breathing, secretly envying them.

“Guess you won’t say you never did it next time I ask you.” Jihoon handed him the scissors from over his shoulders and looked Soonyoung decisively in the mirror when the latter met his eyes. “I want it short and I’m taking that cool pink dye, you get the blue one.”

Soonyoung's hand hesitated midway, “I never intended to dye my hair.”

“True, but you intended dyeing mine and I intended dyeing yours. I only see it as fair.”

Soonyoung grunted. “I liked you more when you didn’t talk much.”

“Liar.”

Soonyoung smiled and stepped to the side to get a better height leverage, he took Jihoon's hair in his shaking hands, it was beyond silky, he doubted Jungyeon's hair was that good. And in one go he cut it, then he went back for those strands that escaped the pair of scissors the first go.

His hands stopped moving altogether when his eyes were exposed to the sight of Jihoon's neck.

“What is it?” Jihoon asked, talking to Soonyoung's reflection.

Now that Jihoon's long hair didn’t cover his neck anymore, a deep vertical scar aligned with the nape, Soonyoung closed the scissors and traced the scar with his index finger, at first focusing on Jihoon's expression in the mirror which was him quickly looking away and if Soonyoung wasn’t wrong he had looked sad, then he focused on the scar. It seemed old enough, but there were a few recent scratches around it.

_Maybe that’s why he decided to shorten his hair._

Given the atmosphere, he didn’t want to disturb it more than he already did; so he smiled and kept scissoring.

He used trimming the hair as an excuse to stand in front of Jihoon too closely, briefly touching his face as if to adjust his head, feeling Jihoon’s breath against his face and getting an up-close view of his beauty.

When he was done he stepped back to get a look at his work. Now Jihoon owned a short hair with no bangs, which brought out his face more vibrantly, he could feel the heat rise to his cheeks, he looked away and reached for the dye. “You look acceptable.”

Jihoon chuckled, “Your face tells me otherwise, it’s safe to assume I’m more than _merely_ acceptable?”

Soonyoung smiled and started applying the dye, a free access to Jihoon's scalp and further play with his hair which meant a more liberal access to touching him. A year ago, he couldn’t even touch Jihoon's hand. But now he was here. “Guess you’ll have to wait thirty minutes, Jihoon, I know it’ll be hard, not doing anything I mean.”

Soonyoung was teasing but it backfired when Jihoon grabbed the scissors and said, “Who said I won’t be doing anything, turn around. By the time we’re done we could pass for each-other.” He knew it was a joke, they looked nothing alike.

Soonyoung's heart got worse the longer time passed as Jihoon touched him, but he managed.

And thirty-eight minutes later, Jihoon owned a short pixie pink hair and Soonyoung owned a short-ish vibrant-blue hair. They looked ridiculous and every single person who entered the bathroom could testify to that thought, and yet they laughed.

“Good thing they’re not permanent.” Jihoon said, wiping a fallen tear.

_Opps?_ “Mine, I mean yours is.” He pressed his lips apologetically but he couldn’t feel sorry. Jihoon looked hot.

Jihoon checked himself out in the mirror, his eyes met Soonyoung's in the reflection but the latter soon looked away, trying to hold off his blush.

_Damn._

Jihoon stared at his shirt in the mirror, it had a small stain, he turned around to Soonyoung and started slipping out of his shirt. He had never seen Jihoon shirtless before and he was looking at the reason why. It was Jihoon's turn to trace his very own scar, Soonyoung wondered how many times he had done that. There was another about fifteen centimeters long starting from his left shoulder all the way down to his back.

“Maybe my hair’s colour would distract attention from my scars,” Jihoon said with an acidic smile.

Soonyoung knew Jihoon wasn’t done talking yet he spoke, “If it cuts so deep you should let it show.” He watched Jihoon's eyes narrow. He hoped no one would walk on them now. “It should be worn as your pride, it’s a sign as much as it’s a reminder. Maybe then you won’t be so…” He fought for the word, he clenched his hands and looked down, avoiding Jihoon's eyes. “Resigned.” He lied.

_Wouldn’t be so painful to look at._ Soonyoung wanted to set the world on fire, watch its ashes scatter everywhere and watch it rise anew.

Jihoon smiled, it was sympathetic. He put on his shirt again. “You’re a lousy liar, Soonyoung, just like you told me my hair looks good.” He managed a smile, it was _normal._

“Are you ashamed?” Soonyoung asked, he cursed himself for not clarifying that he was talking about the hair.

“Probably if someone walked in and asked me how I’m doing I would hug them and cry.” Jihoon said, his eyes held a hint of sadness it usually didn’t. Soonyoung couldn’t believe his ears. It was just a dye, he wanted to apologize. But Jihoon's melancholy expression graduated into sadder shades, it wasn’t the dye he was going to talk. Maybe all this laughter did get him fairly drunk.

And he felt his insides flip.

“You told me I should open up, speak my feelings out,” Jihoon treaded, “and honestly I can’t.”

Soonyoung watched him in silence for a while; trying to come up with the best approach; one that would hurt neither of them. “You look like someone who needs a hug, someone who’s always crying on the inside silent tears, there isn’t much difference, you know.”

Jihoon still wouldn’t look up. “It is hard for me, it makes me feel weak and helpless.”

_This’s progress, you’re already talking._

“I want to run away, like one second I’d be sitting with you, I’d excuse myself and be gone somewhere, and then poof, I’m gone, never said my goodbyes. Simply like that. Someone who simply ran away. Nothing holding him back, no one left behind.” He turned around, leaned with his hands on the sink and smiled at Soonyoung. “How do you do it? How can you cry so easily?”

Soonyoung couldn’t think properly, all he could think of was holding Jihoon tight and assuring him everything would be fine, he always wanted to do so but back then it called out to him stronger than any time preceding it. And he couldn’t shake away the thought. He wanted to draw him out, see the effect of words like ‘I love you’ or ‘You’re special’ or ‘I can’t bear the thought of losing you’ drastically touch him, he knew they at some point did, but Jihoon never showed it, which rendered the meaning behind them obsolete. He would speak them as many times as he needed to, it would be a daily reminder, and he would give Jihoon something … he wanted Jihoon to let him give him anything.

But he didn’t even expect answering despite the many times Soonyoung opened his mouth to reply; the words were never tasted on his lips, and Jihoon proceeded, “I envy those whose tears come out so easily. Sometimes I stop myself and ask ‘am I sad? Did I really care enough? Am I hurt? Am I affected?’ and I don’t always get my answer easily, mostly I get no answer at all. I can do smart on a daily basis, but those times make me feel boundlessly stupid.”

And there was nothing in the world that could be said that was sadder. Crying was a relief, it felt like some kind of salvation and being deprived of the pleasure of crying on top of not knowing how you even feel about something? That was just tragic.

And as if to make matters worse, Soonyoung knew nothing he could say and nothing in the world could be replied to that. “Hey, say we get out of here?”

_Please._

Jihoon rubbed his eyes and nodded.

  
“I don’t need you to be this sad, you don’t need that much sadness either. Please learn to enjoy the moment, face everything one at a time.” Soonyoung said as soon as they were walking in the street, a half-assed prepared speech. “I’m sorry I can’t help you with your past, but I intend to work with your future … Jihoon, could you manage not being so addicted to pain?”

Proposing his last question, he looked up at Jihoon with the brightest smile he ever managed that his eyes closed and he only caught how imperceptibly Jihoon's expression shaded from shock to neutral to a warm smile.

“I know it’s not much, but it’s the only thing I’m capable of asking you. You don’t have to always suffer and not caring like you always do isn’t a way to live either. So, please, love life, even if it gave you no reason to.”

_You always got up on your feet no matter how many times you fell down_ , Soonyoung's voice was getting strangled, he couldn’t say everything especially with the courage front he was putting, he didn’t need to cry right now, it was probably obvious but it didn’t matter. _Maybe life will get sick of bullying you someday._

Jihoon stopped in front of Soonyoung, his hand stretched between them as if to stop Soonyoung, they were standing next to a façade of some antique store. Soonyoung watched Jihoon's small smile as the latter started fixing the collar of the former’s jacket. On tiptoeing a bit, he pulled up Soonyoung's hoodie, Soonyoung started to panic but Jihoon was still smiling.

And Jihoon leaned in to kiss him. Just like that in the middle of the street. Soonyoung had never been happier the hoodie always seemed so big, it gave him the few seconds needed despite his lack of restraint back then.

Ironically, Soonyoung was the first to pull back, they both chuckled in sync, oblivious to anything else.

“Thank you.” Jihoon pressed his lips into a thin line muttering his thanks.

And Soonyoung's heart contracted for more than it should have.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ba dum tss.


	11. Saturn

 

 

The first week in February was dying and Jihoon still hadn’t given Soonyoung an answer despite everything.

The first day they went to school after dyeing their hair, they were the center of attention. Jihoon hated that kind of attention, especially that which was given by the girls, maybe the hair made him stand out too much. He almost felt bemusedly sorry for Soonyoung whose hair wouldn’t go unnoticed even at night. Honestly, he loved how his hair looked and the shade of reddish pink looked pretty good on him. If anyone had noticed his scar, they didn’t show any signs.

And if anyone asked, he would simply have to lie.

Normally, after your ‘friend’ had confessed to you, you would feel uneasy around them, but what came along with the confession made Jihoon soften towards Soonyoung, he felt out of character.

And Wonho's words echoed in his mind, haunting him.

He wondered what he was waiting for, what it was that he was avoiding. He knew for a fact that it always came down to what he didn’t want to answer or deal with. That was where his answers always lied.

Soonyoung and he never stepped up their kissing game; that was when they actually kissed. Jihoon wondered what romance was and something deep within him told him it was essentially friendship. Somehow he came to know the feeling of the latter, leaving him bewildered about the former. If he had given it some thought, he would have reached the conclusion they were almost one and the same in similar cases. They were on more than a friendly basis and that was enough for him.

Seungcheol called too, making sure Jihoon was okay. Seungcheol had noted out him sounding lively. It was as though everything was pointing Jihoon’s head towards the right direction yet he was adamant on closing his eyes.

It seemed to Jihoon that everyone was getting too friendly towards him, or maybe just friendlier. Even Seokmin, he started being actually nice, he would smile at Jihoon. Once he joked with him even when Jihoon only smiled back at him, Seokmin continued talking. Junhui no longer looked like he hated Jihoon and after school club didn’t suck.

Maybe some stuff were getting much simpler but the hugely significant blots were only getting more complicated, especially after Seungcheol had left. Jihoon decided to follow Soonyoung's advice and he started ignoring his mishaps, no matter how loud and demanding they were, he had to ignore them.

And that blot wasn’t all too amused knowing Soonyoung's and Jihoon's relation was getting tighter. The blot never liked their neighbours and the Kwon family was especially not well liked on the blot’s part.

There was a day when Soonyoung skipped school, telling Jihoon he had stuff to do but never elaborated. And that day Chan was as good as his shadow; hardly leaving Jihoon’s side.

 

Just after Jihoon had skipped second period and went to the backyard next to where his club activity was held did Chan show up.

“You’re blocking away the sun.” Jihoon said without opening his eyes as he lied down on the grass, not sure who was his intruder.

“Where’s Sunbae’s friend?”

Jihoon opened one eye on recognizing the voice, he didn’t dislike Chan, he was a nice way to kill time since Wonho was a bore at school.

“Not here.”

“So you’re all alone?” he smiled and sat down next to Jihoon.

“Obviously.”

“Your hair looks pretty, where did you get it done?”

“Soonyoung did it for me.” Jihoon said simply, he saw no reason for lying.

Chan was silent for about two seconds, probably broke his record by a second or so. “I know it’s none of my business, it’s rude actually but I can’t resist asking.” It wasn’t hard to follow where Chan was getting at.

“No.” Jihoon said, as if refusing to answer anything.

He pouted. “But Sunbae!” Jihoon knew he would ask his question either ways. “It’s not good to suppress curiosity.”

“Curiosity killed the cat, Chan.” Jihoon was already rolling his eyes on the inside.

“I’m not a cat, I won’t die you don’t have to worry about me.” He said with a smile.

“No one ever said I would, rest assured.” He rolled onto his side, giving Chan his back, the latter didn’t miss a beat and was already at the other side, facing Jihoon as he lied on his stomach, his head held up supported by his palms. Jihoon thought he looked like a child looking at his older relative whose company he liked. After second thought he found it was exactly like that.

“I wish I knew why I liked you.” He said with an innocent grin. When Jihoon didn’t comment Chan proceeded, “What I wanted to ask was actually: are you and Soonyoung-Sunbae going out?”

Jihoon didn’t miss a beat. “Do we look like we’re going out?”

“There’s been rumors.” Chan said, smug for no reason, Jihoon suspected there would be, but as far as he was concerned, in front of everyone; they were only friends. Maybe the problem was Jihoon never had any friends.

“Shouldn’t you ask whether I just asked you if you’re dating your best-friend, guy-best-friend actually?”

Jihoon sighed, closing his eyes again, he was bored by the comment. “You already have your assumptions, I don’t like wasting my breath. If you’re done, leave, I’m conserving.”

“The changing room is just fun, I didn’t think anyone on our team was like that but the captain and Seokmin-Sunbae, I thought they were dating actually but obviously Seokmin has a girlfriend now.” Chan bowed his head for a while and when he looked up he looked as if he had something evil in mind. “Do you happen to know his girlfriend, Sunbae? Heard she was a real beauty.”

If Jihoon cared he might have felt discomforted by the comment.

“I feel like if you should be taken, then it’s worth a try, a lot of the girls are already considering a move.”

“You’re giving me a headache.” Jihoon said, he was getting irritated by the pushy attitude.

Jihoon's eyes were closed but he could tell Chan still hadn’t left, he only opened them when a hand touched what remained of his short bangs. He was startled and, almost instinctively, slapped it away, not too roughly, but shock was painted all over his face.

Chan laughed without humour. “Yea, I too thought it was a bit too early.”

_A lifetime too early._

“Did you even tell him you love him back?”

Jihoon had to open his eyes and Chan smirked. He didn’t know how much Chan knew, or assumed, but seemingly the guy wasn’t stupid.

A smile found its way to Jihoon's lips. “Good thinking.”

“Thanks.” Chan laughed. “There’re a lot of things good about my company, Sunbae, if only you’d just give it a shot.”

“I appreciate the offer.” Jihoon said, still, smiling.

“I got your number, you’ll find an email from me later.” He said as he grabbed his bag. “I just wanted to let you know I’d be there when you’re, hmm, bored I guess.” He looked meaningfully into Jihoon's eyes then added, “Or when Soonyoung-Sunbae isn’t there actually.”

He gave Jihoon a long stare then left.

Jihoon was surprised he wasn’t surprised.

_As if it’s just anyone._

And in the same minute, Jihoon registered his second surprise.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Diary Entry]

 

February 12th.

It’s almost midnight and I’m using this journal for the fourth time in a long time, in like what? Two years? I can’t be sure but I’d be able to tell if I humiliate myself and go back and read the four entries. It’s amazing how I’ve kept it for so long, some stuff here are going to be such a blast to look at in the future. I’m glad I never intended this to be a diary; seemingly I talk a lot, I’d not have been able to read that much if it were done every day, much less write.

But today is special. Tomorrow too.                                                                                       

I’d just, umm, this’s so embarrassing, well, I’ll just write it however it comes to me.

It all started when Jihoon came to my house this morning. Cheonsa had just left, in the morning he was adding the final touches to his bag. So, Jihoon was in my room, we were talking about a school assignment while I lied down on bed, taking a break especially that he had been teaching me some Physics stuff earlier (On a side note, I think Jihoon is a theories-maniac and with his love for space and physics he would make a great astrophysicist one day) so again we’ve another defensive/tickling incident, a more pleasant one than our last. I try to defend myself but I end up flat on my back, overcome by laughter and Jihoon is pinning me on bed, tickling me. Somehow, I don't know how, okay maybe I do but enough embarrassing stuff –I’m so sorry, future me, for having been this silly. I hope you’re doing fine.

Let’s get back on track, somehow we ended up kissing, hushing the laughter. I don't know what went wrong with Hyung but maybe it had something to do with the ajar door, he entered the room –luckily, we weren’t kissing that second, but Jihoon was still on top of and it was such a compromising position we’d be mistaken for something else, haha, but it _was _ something else. So we, both look at him quizzically, none of us changing any of our positions which made Hyung  all the more nervous, it was awkward, like damn!

Anyhow, he apologized for suddenly barging in and didn’t ask his question or whatever he came for. When he was out and the door was _closed,_ Jihoon was laughing! And I soon joined him, because that was how it was, it was completely hilarious. We made a few jokes about how he could have walked on us when we were kissing,

_“Or worse, having sex.”_ Jihoon had said.

 

And like that, it struck us both, that the joke shouldn’t be a joke. Jihoon had always seemed like the games kind of guys, proof: he never did anything unless it challenged or intrigued him, he liked keeping things hot so he won’t get bored. It explained his academic grades and how only few subjects he liked and how he could lose a mark or two, seldom acing. I once teased him about how he only get the easiest stuff wrong while telling him I was jealous of him for being that smart while it didn’t seem to strain him. There was that snobby teacher this year who was akin to a genius and he acknowledged no one, last week when the whole class was leaving he called out to Jihoon and told him he’d be having a prominent future for sure. Jihoon might have not shown it but he was flattered.

I love how he can be a normal teenager around me, things are starting to look up despite his still ongoing problems at home. He doesn’t talk about them much, but I think he’s opening up.

He told me that Yoojung is happy and she’d not tell him who her boyfriend is, also insinuated I told her something because she kept teasing him about ‘ _us_ ’ (We’ll settle this one day Yoo Kyungwan, this’s not over!), he said she’d jokingly say she can’t forgive him for stealing her boyfriend and the way he said it told me deep down he feels guilty for that … he did say that before, didn’t he?

 

And he started countering the teasing, when I called him a genius and genuinely complemented his talents he had said: “Did you see your writing skills?” when I was confused he elaborated. “I might have stumbled upon some of your works and it was amazingly pretty, really well-done and all.”

Should I be worried about whatever he had read? Did I ever leave him alone in my room? Could he have reached this journal? I’ll just brush off the subject as ‘ _it’s okay there’s nothing to be ashamed of’_ and curl into a ball combusting from shame once he leaves, RIP Kwon Soonyoung.

Ahh, I’m getting side-tracked again … talking about Jihoon is just too engrossing.

 

So we decided to do it. The game was how we could get away with it without Hyung noticing, which included keeping our voices down.

_“Is it your first time?”_ Jihoon had asked, already opening the nightstand-drawer (yea, I know keeping that kind of stuff there is cliché)

_“With a guy? Yes.”_ I had replied. It was embarrassing, everything in here is. Future-me, if you want to turn into a walking laughing-stock, you can hand this over to any of your future friends; I only hope four or ten years from now, you’ll be handing it over to Lee Jihoon.

I decided to play it low and ask him if it were his first time, mainly it was because I wanted to see his reaction, would he still wear the same indifference about everything or he would show some kind of, I don't know, emotion? But a part of me wished the number Yoojung had told me would be off by shots.

_“I’ve gone out with a few girls, I don’t remember the exact number, but I only did it twice.”_ He had said with a casual shrug.

_“Only twice!”_ I was astonished, Yoojung said he had gone out with like what, four girls?

_“Yes. I’m not that big on the physical thing, you know, I only did it because I was curious and I wanted to try it just to criticize it.”_

Obviously his book-reading policy applied to more than just books.

_“You didn’t like it?”_

_“Not really. I don’t understand the big fuss about it even after I did it.”_

I thought that maybe his partner wasn’t that good but as if Jihoon had access to my thoughts he had added, _“The girl was quite popular and the boys often whispered that she was good and sex was enjoyable. So maybe it was just me.”_

I locked-eyes with him and ventured a question. “ _So why are you doing it now?”_ I knew this might hurt me, emotionally I mean. He gave it a few seconds of thought then shrugged.

_“Because you still haven’t got your answer. I think it’s known that you should have sex with someone before professing your love.”_

And the fun thing was, I wasn’t entirely sure he was joking.

I think I was on the verge of blushing back then, because he smirked and pushed what rose of my upper body down again, I knew he would enjoy foreplay by how playfully hard he had pushed me down. “ _I was four months over fifteen when I first did it, now I’m almost seventeen,”_ He had whispered in my ear between our kisses, a demonic whisper, to say I didn’t lose my composure would be a lie. _“Do you think I would have gotten better by now?”_

Lee Jihoon is aggressive, Lee Jihoon has fierce passion latent within him and I was more than glad to release his inhibitions.

And, erm, I don’t think I should include what followed here, but my, I’m a bit tired, it isn’t that bad but demanding Jihoon did like it rough and could go for rounds… that’s why I’m drained [inserts a pathetic anime crying emoji here]

 

I don't know how to describe how strongly I feel about this guy, I go around demonstrating how open I am about my feelings for him, but I can never convey the depth of them. I, myself don’t think I can yet reach the bottom. I don’t want the ideal, there’s nothing beyond it … I want the slow graduation, the improvement, I want to feel it all.

If I could paint my feelings, I would need a huge canvas, with the most vivid of the brightest colours, shades for the shades of colours. I’ll finish an abstract profound piece of art of binding shapes and I’ll splatter darker colours on the bright ones, huge splotches everywhere; the way the lonely ocean would in a disturbed night against the rocks, each wave crashing vigorously against the shore till it calms down and the soft gentle crashes ensue. Each would be nothing but an incarnation of the passionately spiritual bond between us, enhanced by his denial and refusal to admit his feelings, it just makes it all prettier, the push and pull in love because harmony is just too boring.

I want to get lost in the painting already, imagining the breadth our relation; how far it would go, its capacity, the depths it can reach; the roller-coaster I feel would be coming soon, is it going to be a rough ride? Is it gonna strengthen us or break us? I want to be in the eye of the storm with him.

A watery image full of colour.

Lee Jihoon, do you remember the shooting star we saw at the beginning of the year? There was a previous entry about it, how I never told you or this journal what I wished for, using the exact same phrase of _feelings are private_ twice. Well I think it’s about time.

I wished upon the shooting star not to love you…  
… so I boundlessly lost my heart to you.

And all I can do despite the lack of answers is ask myself to wait.

_Patience my heart._

 

 

 

 

 

Jihoon jerked awake at the annoying sounds of his parents fighting. He didn’t bother checking his watch, it was early and that was all what really mattered to him. He clenched his hand after covering his face with the blanket and putting the pillow over it, yet their voices wouldn’t just die down.

He wished Seungcheol were here.

His phone gave a low ring, declaring an incoming mail. Few people texted him, and Seungcheol wasn’t one of them but he checked the message all the same. It was from Soonyoung. He wanted him to come over as soon as he saw the message. Obviously, Soonyoung couldn’t sleep either. It was eight in the morning. He slipped out of the room and into the bathroom, grabbing some clothes to change into there. On his way to the bathroom, Jungyeon's door was ajar. He decided to check up on her on his way back; he would have to go in there anyways.

After he was ready to go out, he had entered Jungyeon's room without knocking. She was dancing, her back to him, her tremendously huge headphones were over her ears. He never understood why she never used simple small earphones. But at least she seemed happy, she was dancing after all.

She jumped back, startled when he passed her to reach for the window, he pressed a genuine smile and shrugged then jumped out of her window.

She called out to him in a loud whisper when his feet touched the ground, it wasn’t a graceful landing and he felt his muscles throbbing. He looked up just to receive what she was throwing him, a muffler. He was grateful, it was chilly out there, and the streets were still wet from last night’s rain.

“Where to so early?” she whispered in the same volume.

“Not far.” He said, throwing a glance at Soonyoung's window the same exact second Soonyoung was looking through the curtains. He didn’t try to be vague about it, Jungyeon would know eventually.

 

And the front door had been opened by the time he was in their yard.

“My old man is already off to work,” Soonyoung said, Jihoon was glad he didn’t bother with a greeting. He tried not to irk Soonyoung by nagging him about how he disliked that kind of formalities between them, but Soonyoung had a way of knowing things. He wanted to feel sorry for compromising Soonyoung's manners.

When he was in Soonyoung's room, the latter leaned on the door, his hands behind his back.

“Do you know what day it is?” Soonyoung asked, he sounded like he had been awake for a while.

Jihoon struggled to focus on remembering the events of the week in order to figure out what day it was. “No school today, so, Saturday?”

“Correct.” Soonyoung said but his expression said it wasn’t. “It’s also the day I’m taking you out.”

Jihoon shrugged and threw himself on the bed. He could hear Soonyoung shuffling through his closet. He found a smaller model of Rubik’s Cube on the nightstand, it had only the last row left to be shuffled into the right position. Jihoon laughed.

“You’re stuck… again.” He looked over his shoulder, Soonyoung had his famous half-smile on his face. “If memory serves me right, this’s the exact same problem you faced almost the same time of year last year.”

Soonyoung rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “Why do you always remember that kind of stuff?” he grabbed a shirt.

It was rhetorical but Jihoon gave him a reply. “Because it’s related to you.” He said simply and Soonyoung stopped halfway through taking off his shirt.

He got out his head from his shirt again and lowered his stretched arms, half fitting into his shirt he started staring at Jihoon as if he were someone who didn’t belong to that dimension.

“You know what,” he said while smiling at the ground. “You’re like that cube. Whenever I think I got the colours right; that I’m closer to solving the conundrum, I realize that I had been wrong,” he paused, studying the impact of his words on Jihoon's face. Jihoon who always started detaching at times like that. “That one step wrong and everything will be gone. There’re hundreds and hundreds of way to approach you, but only one is the key.”

Jihoon was simply mesmerized. He always felt like slamming his head against a wall whenever Soonyoung started talking like a dreamy writer, as he usually called him. Being linguistic was one of his strong points, and being this emotional as well made it a stronger point which left Jihoon at a disadvantage.

It was Soonyoung who shrugged and went back to taking off his clothes.

He stopped and drew closer to the bed, holding two pieces of clothes. “Which would you prefer? Me wearing this jacket or this jumper?”

Jihoon didn’t give it any thought. “Neither. So you’d get cold.”

He made a face. “That’s a really mean thing to say.”

“If you get cold you’ll have to turn to me for warmth, Soonyoung.” Jihoon wasn’t aware when he had learnt to flirt that way, but he found some pleasure in baffling Soonyoung whenever possible. It was because Soonyoung perceived him as emotionless that stuff like that baffled him.

And, still, Jihoon was trying to get his head around that romance thing.

 

He was happy. He was in the company of the same person for three hours and he was happy. They walked under the cloudy sky, Soonyoung using his umbrella like a cane while eating ice-cream -something Jihoon found paradoxical- and Jihoon fiercely getting his point across about why he hated poetry so much. He had gotten so into the subject that his ice-cream was melting.

Still, they were laughing.

They sat down in the park. Soonyoung laid down his satchel and it seemed heavier than Jihoon thought it should, he didn’t understand the need to go out with a bag either.

He looked at his watch then narrowed his eye as he stared forward at the street, he was smiling. Jihoon kept licking his ice-cream as Soonyoung searched for something in his bag.

“Here,” he said, handing him a moderate-sized box. “Happy birthday.” A gift-box.

Jihoon could feel his tongue stuck on the ice-cream as he stared sideways from Soonyoung. He must have looked too funny to have Soonyoung giggle like he did. He sucked in his tongue, swung around to face him and said, “What day is it? February first was like days ago.”

“It’s the thirteenth, Jihoon. Take your present.” He motioned for him to take it.

Hesitantly, he took the box and opened it. It was snow-globe. It had a small miniature guy star-gazing in it.

“I didn’t know what to get you, I knew you don’t like gifts much and you turned them down more than once, but today is your birthday and I thought you would make an exception for my sake. And then we’ve the fact that you dislike everything and you’d hate any kind of books and I wanted to get you something you’d really like-”

“It’s perfect.” Jihoon cut him before he could finish, he was still infatuated by the snow-globe.

“It is?” Soonyoung asked warily.

“It is. I mean it. Thanks.”

He almost lost himself watching the snow fall in it, he had always wanted to go stargazing as the snow fell down, it was partly impossible, however it would be utterly beautiful. He snapped back to reality remembering some major detail. “Shit! I forgot Jungyeon's birthday!” he turned around again, he must have been dreaming because Jungyeon had just materialized in front of his eyes and as if to confirm his doubts, he was seeing Seokmin.

Maybe it was a nightmare.

“In your defense, I did forget your birthday one year although I didn’t forget mine,” she said with a grin, “so don’t worry, big brother.”

He glanced at Soonyoung who was looking at Seokmin, the latter was smiling as he held what looked like a cake. Soonyoung didn’t look pleased.

“Happy birthday, oblivious stupid twin-brother.” She said and hit him with her chopping hand on the head, regardless, Jihoon smiled. “I found that lost puppy on my way here and he decided to tag along, to help me carry my stuff.” She gestured to Seokmin.

“I couldn’t not see your face on your birthday,” Seokmin said with a bubbly smile. “Happy birthday, I guess. How old are you? Sixteen?”

“Seventeen. Yoojung, can I borrow you for a sec?” It was Soonyoung who spoke, it was uncharacteristically cold of him. Jihoon studied his sister.

“Sure.” She said and they both walked away.

“She’s nice.” Seokmin said, taking a seat next to Jihoon. “Ahh, it’s so cold today.”

“It is.” Jihoon wasn’t resentful of him, but he couldn’t understand how Jungyeon was standing within a hundred-mile radius of that guy.

They fell silent. Apparently, Jihoon wasn’t the only one focusing on the almost-heated Soonyoung talking to a defensive Jungyeon under the tree.

“I can tell you apart more easily now.”

“Great, so next time you decide to beat me up you wouldn’t involve my sister.” Repartees were the kind of things that stuck with you no matter how many years time advanced.

He started stuttering. “About that, I never apologized.”

_Never mind._

Soonyoung and Jungyeon were coming back, they were smiling, albeit forcedly.

“I’m sorry.” Seokmin said. Jihoon spared him a quick glance, he almost looked away but the sincerity in Seokmin’s eyes made him look at Seokmin for longer than a mere glance.

“It’s her you should apologize to, but I see she’s already moved past that; you should be glad she holds no grudges.”

“Pretty amazing yea,” he said, “too bad she’s not in the same grade as us, they’d have put her in the same class as you.” He laughed but it sounded nervous to Jihoon.

Jungyeon was once again in front of Jihoon. “I just came to deliver the cake and tell you I’ll be late tonight.” She leaned down and kissed him on the cheek. Jihoon pressed a smile.

“I’ll be on my way then.”

“Wait, we’ll walk you back.” Soonyoung said, motioning for Jihoon to get up.

“I got that.” Seokmin was the one who got up. He pressed a smile to Soonyoung who seemed to be making a tremendous effort in returning it. And if Jihoon's eyes didn’t fail him, Seokmin’s hand almost touched Jungyeon's shoulder.

“Happy birthday, Kyungwan.” Jihoon teased.

She gave him a hard look and said, “Aging makes you more of an asshole, nice to know that.”

The four of them were laughing and like that Jungyeon and Seokmin were gone. So quickly.

“What was that about?” Jihoon asked as he turned to Soonyoung.

“We had arranged this cake, what do you mean what’s that, it’s your birthday.” Soonyoung said innocently, already handing him a portion.

He knew Soonyoung understood what he really meant, but if he didn’t want to talk about it then Jihoon wasn’t going to press the subject.

 

“It makes me happy, seeing you getting along well with everyone.” Soonyoung noted casually.

“You mean Seokmin and Junhui.” Jihoon corrected.

“No. Really; everybody.”

“Not really, I feel obliged, restrained, not wanting to reward kindness with mistreatment, you know. I feel pressured to be nice to the people who are good to me.” Jihoon said.

_Eventually I collapse, I run away; that’s the kind of person I am._

A second seemed to stretch there; or maybe it was Jihoon's impression.

_Please don’t push me off._ He couldn’t help the thought.

 

“Well I thought as much, I mean you’re getting along with even that Hoobae of yours,”

Soonyoung's trial at indifference indicated there was more to the story.

“You’re jealous?” Jihoon asked with the hint of a smirk.

A normal human being would deny it. At least at first.

But not Kwon Soonyoung. “I could be, I certainly would if any of them started getting chummy with you.” Soonyoung put down his fork and looked Jihoon decisively in the eye. A year ago Jihoon would have looked away, writing off Soonyoung's sincere eyes and earnestness as naïveté. But not today, he had learnt to see more during the past year.

Looking back on everything, a year ago, everything was so different.

“What do you want me to do?” Jihoon was simply flirting, lightening a serious conversation. But he forgot that you couldn’t lighten anything when it came down to Soonyoung's feelings.

“I don't know, Jihoon. I’m growing conscious of the girls’ eyes on you and I think Chan is into you and I think I’d punch him one day for his not-so-subtle advances.” Soonyoung was dead serious.

“And Wonho.” Jihoon said, teasing with a smile.

Soonyoung looked at him with extreme composure. “You’re joking about this. Fine. I don’t want to fight, forget it.”

Jihoon chewed his food as he watched Soonyoung chew on his, eyes darting away whenever he returned the stare by mistake. He knew he was wearing too much of a casual expression for that kind of conversations.

“I’ll wound up hurting you.” Jihoon said a matter-of-factly.

Soonyoung's chews stopped for a second. “Can we please not state something so baldly before it happens?”

A year ago, Jihoon wouldn’t have noticed the clear hurt in Soonyoung's eyes.

“No, Soonyoung, we can’t. I’m already being unfair as it is. I’m lying everything down on the table, I’m telling you what you could be walking in on.”

“Please, not today.” Soonyoung pleaded, his voice low and shallow, he looked like someone gasping for air, it reminded Jihoon of that day at the flower-shop.

When it began turning into a cold staring contest; Jihoon looked away, he was about to apologize for hurting Soonyoung when the latter spoke. “Never mind anything in the world today,” he said pushing Jihoon's fallen bangs back. “Today, and for five more weeks, we’re both seventeen. We’d better enjoy this as much as we can.”

Jihoon smiled, as if their past conversation never took place. He put down his cake. “This cake is really delicious.” He was leaning in for a kiss when Soonyoung shoved a piece of cake in his mouth.

“I’m glad you like it.” He said laughing, and no sooner had Jihoon swallowed than he joined him.

When things went too well, one became wary. Jihoon laughed since the beginning of that year more than he ever did throughout two lifetimes. He had nothing to lose, at least he couldn’t really lose it. He didn’t want to think about the future, he decided it was all about the here and now.

And Soonyoung was his here and now.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> casually dropping by to say I am aware /this/ isn't their real birth-dates, however, for reasons I needed to tamper with a few things lol


	12. Uranus

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****

****

Some things were easier to get out than they were to take back. Stuff that if you get too wrapped up in the moment, you could say to hell with consequences. Soonyoung was never that kind of person, he thought things through when it came down to words. But also sometimes he became too hurt he wanted to hurt back.

He lied on his back, staring at the stars of a cloudless March sky as Jihoon received a call. It was from Seungcheol and he didn’t have to force himself not to listen, Jihoon was already walking away as he spoke to his brother. He got up a bit to get a look at Jihoon's face. Jihoon was wearing a warm smile, animated by the conversation. If Soonyoung never made Jihoon react that way, he would have probably had his heart broken for decades to come.

How long had it been? Two months? He confessed and said he didn’t need an answer, alas. Only because he was scared of the taste of brutal rejection. Saying he was waiting for Jihoon to work out his feelings, but the latter sure was taking his sweet time.

And Soonyoung was starting to feel a different kind of hurt.

Jihoon was obviously saying goodbye, it was a relatively long call. He didn’t know what could make a brother look like that while talking to his older brother. Was it about Jihoon being unemotional so when he opened up, he gave it his all, or that Jeonghan and himself were probably never like that despite their kindly relation? He settled for a third option, he had never seen himself during any of his talks with Jeonghan.

“Hyung says hi,” Jihoon said, standing in front of Soonyoung with his hands in his pockets. “He also joked about how your brother is sulking because Hyung took away his phone and he couldn’t phone you.”

Soonyoung only nodded, his mind was somewhere else.

“What wasn’t a joke tho was that he refused to put him through.”

He gave a low unintentional grunt in response.

“Is something wrong, Soonyoung?” Jihoon asked.

Soonyoung got up, looked at a star using the telescope and then he spoke. “You really want to know what’s wrong, Jihoon?” It came out colder than he wanted. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing given the situation. He had been this moody since the day before yesterday. He started replaying that scene when Jihoon and Chan were standing too close in the club-activities-room’s yard in his head. His angle wouldn’t allow him any more privileges of vision, but the triumphant look on Chan’s face and how he had been putting on his club shirt on as he left didn’t leave room for any misinterpretations. He wanted to believe his brain had tampered with the memory in spite of the numerous times he had replayed the scene. 

“If something has been bothering you, say it.” Jihoon's tone was already defensive.

“Ahh, if that’s the case then okay,” he turned away briefly from the telescope to smile at Jihoon then looked through it again, zooming in. “If there’s nothing you have to tell me, guess I’ll just have to ask.” Playing the guilty-card was a lost cause with Jihoon, furthermore it made Soonyoung feel cheap. “Did anything happen between you and Chan?”

Jihoon was silent for more than Soonyoung's racing-heartbeats could count, the silence gave him enough time to prepare his mentality. When he couldn’t bear the silence anymore, he turned to look at Jihoon, giving him his undivided attention. He was looking at the ground, basically digging it with his feet, he looked unspeakably guilty, his jaw clenching and unclenching as he opened his mouth to speak.

He wanted to hand Jihoon a shovel and ask him to dig a grave for him more quickly.

Jihoon finally found the words. “We kissed.”

Soonyoung's heart skipped a beat, not in the good-alleged way. He sucked in the deep breath that was just knocked out of him. “You’re using _we_ , why, Jihoon?” he could already feel the lump in his throat, he refused to yield to the tears.

Jihoon looked up, looking straight at Soonyoung's eyes, he was pondering every word yet Soonyoung didn’t think it mattered. It hurt in all possible paraphrasing. “Because if I said _he kissed me_ it’ll seem like he’s the only one at fault.”

He gulped. He blinked and creased his eyebrows for a second, summoning his courage. “And he’s not?”

This time, Jihoon didn’t reply in words, he only looked away, a louder response than any words could speak out.

_I wonder if my heart has the capacity to take more bullets._

Soonyoung truly didn’t know how much he could take. He put himself through this, he bottled up that much and it was about time he burst forth. He was hostile. He was hurt, beyond hurt. Only then did he understand what it meant to have love and hate as two parallel lines.

“Trusting somebody meant giving them the power to hurt you,” Jihoon was saying, Soonyoung didn’t understand why he would say something as hurtful as that now, especially that it wasn’t a new thing, he had already said so once.  
And he had already proven it. “You trusted me and I-”

Soonyoung wouldn’t listen to anything, it might have been an _I hurt you and for that I’m sorry,_ that had a promise within its folds, but Soonyoung just wouldn’t listen.

 “I think you’ve been hurting me without even me granting you my full trust, Jihoon.” It sounded pathetic to his ears, the smothered tone, the weakness fighting off tears provided.

Jihoon was silent again. Soonyoung wished the guilt would eat Jihoon up.

The guy barely knew Jihoon and they probably did more than kissing and Jihoon let him. Soonyoung could remember how hard it was being around Jihoon without being able to touch him, how Jihoon had always shut him out. And now he was ‘casually’ lip-locking with another _guy_ , even after saying Soonyoung was his first. Albeit he never got his answer, even if Chan was an ephemera; this was going overboard. It was an accumulating matter, it wasn’t about this very incident, and Chan was nothing but the Antichrist.

The apocalypse was all Soonyoung's fault.

“It’s just a kiss, you shouldn’t be so-” Jihoon was speaking in a low voice that was saturated with guilt.

“I’m sorry, but how do you expect me to handle this!?” Soonyoung cut him off, he shook his head, still refusing to give way to tears. “I don’t like sharing you with someone, I refuse to.”

“You’re not sharing me with anyone-”

If Soonyoung were a starved wild animal who had just been offered a prey to pounce on, he would not have gotten more aggressive as he spoke. “I’m _always_ sharing you with someone.” It wasn’t a simple hiss and his hand almost bled despite how hard he clenched it.

“You shouldn’t be that hurt.” Obviously Jihoon had closed the distance and was about to touch Soonyoung when the latter took a step back, avoiding this very kind of contact.

“Well I am; I’m not that mature; I’m only human. And you can’t even say I’m overreacting.”

“You are, it meant nothing.”

“Why do you even care!?” Soonyoung shouted. He could see dismay drawn on Jihoon's face, he should be taken down a peg or ten. Even if he explained why he felt like that; he questioned Jihoon would really understand.

Jihoon tried the calm approach. “This’s how I got my answer.”

He clutched to his head as he raised it up, smiling dryly. “There could have been other ways…” he trailed off, giving himself the time to calm down before this became inconceivable. “Weeks ago you were all about lying everything on the table and coming clear, you should have lied down your feelings as well… that’s the domain of the game.” He let that sink, watching the shame in Jihoon’s avoidant eyes that were at last conceiving the full magnitude of the situation.

But it was already too grave and Jihoon couldn’t react.

When Jihoon spoke again, Soonyoung wished he had never opened his mouth. “I’m not worth all of that, really, I…” and he trailed off on his own, no need for any of Soonyoung's interruptions.

“Yea? I don’t even get to decide that much?” he never felt like punching someone this bad since Jungyeon got hurt. And this was even stronger.

_I get it,_ Soonyoung was about to speak, _you might not want anyone else but you don’t want me either._

This was the reason behind his ‘over-reacting’, he so much wished Jihoon was capable of feeling him.

“I’m angry, Jihoon.” He took the hard line, then he softened relatively when he saw the patent fright that still lingered in Jihoon's eyes. “What am I to you? Are you simply toying with me? I thought you were more of a decent person than that, that such moves were below you, but seemingly I was wrong, you’ve always been that kind of an asshole and I just refused to see it.”

“I’m sorry,”

_Sorry? But it’s a border that can't be infringed._

“You should be.” It was beginning to numb him, the pain.

Jihoon took another step in his direction, another mistake. Soonyoung stepped back, hugging himself with one hand, he sure needed that hug.

“I’m sorry but give me some space. Stay away from me for a while.” He whispered and without lifting his gaze, he left.

Amidst words spoken which were unintentional and intentions which weren’t spoken, affinity was lost.

 

 

 

****

****

****

One of the few good things about having someone older than yourself acting as a pillar in case you fell down was that they had privileges you usually didn’t.

And Shin Hoseok had plenty of privileges. Owning a house was only a crust to those privileges.

Jihoon had been crashing over at the empty house for over two weeks now. He couldn’t face even Jungyeon, he didn’t know how much she knew but by the way she looked at him made him guess it was enough to make her pity him. He hardly met her anyways. When she had asked him where he was staying and he had told her at a friend’s, she had said the only friend he had told her that wasn’t the case.

“You spoke to him?” He had asked her as he walked her home.

“I don’t have to ask him, you just confirmed.” She had sighed.

She was fishing, it wasn’t surprising to Jihoon that Soonyoung didn’t tell her. He was always so honest with his feelings they spoke loud enough around people who made him feel comfortable. And it was because they were so honest that they were precious. And Jungyeon was Soonyoung's friend before Jihoon was.

 He also hadn’t spoken much to Soonyoung, he hadn’t spoken to him at all in the first ten days he asked for a break. And it wasn’t like Wonho minded Jihoon staying over when he was _actually_ in the house, he didn’t object at all when Jihoon called him, which he did after having stayed there for two days already. Jihoon thought he must have sounded pathetic because Wonho didn’t say anything smart, not that Jihoon himself had said much.

It was those times he was glad none of his parents gave a crap about him.

He didn’t know what to think or do. He felt what he knew must be the sharp pain of being hurt, of having hurt and getting hurt afterwards. Soonyoung's faith in him was shaken, it could potentially be lost. He didn’t know how much space or time Soonyoung needed but not knowing what to do with him didn’t improve on where they stood or help their case. He thought he would give him time to pick himself up and lick his wounds. But it wasn’t happening.

It was what Jihoon wished would happen, he knew it never would.

They were stuck; this was their plateau.

The question was whether any of them decided to take a different path in hope of meeting somewhere in between. If either of them would device the flexibility of finding a way around the wall that acted as their impasse. Jihoon should be the one to do so since he was the once who built it in front of Soonyoung without giving him the chance to react.

And then there was the guy concerned. Soonyoung seemed emo, he was still being nice to everyone, as far as being private dealt with everyone. But the wounded air about him didn’t seem to diminish, he was a wounded animal, still bleeding, the rawness of his pain was too overpowering that even someone like Jihoon could noticeably feel it.

He always thought in spite of being all nice and composed, it was hard for someone like Soonyoung to forgive; especially when they had invested so much care in someone, specifically after they had felt betrayed.

He buried his face deeper in the pillow, groaning.

_What were you thinking?_ On reprimanding himself, he hit his head against the mattress, glad it wasn’t something harder than sponge.

Jihoon himself was being emo. Even Seungcheol noticed, the last time he had called his brother Jihoon hadn’t said anything directly, he guessed Soonyoung hadn’t told Jeonghan either, it didn’t sound like something you would share with your older brother any time soon and being from the Soonyoung species, it could become forever locked inside his heart.

Jihoon was lost. Utterly and perilously lost.

Somewhere between hurt and pride.

Apart from a casual class-related conversation, he hadn’t spoken to Soonyoung, he thought the project assigned to them was a chance to mend things, but Jihoon was too stupid to do anything but push things so far. And he wasn’t even remotely nice to him and Soonyoung gave him the cold shoulder, giving curt answers like ‘whatever’ and ‘fine’ and ‘I understand’. A fleeting idea of how much Soonyoung must have suffered through the seeding of their relation occurred to Jihoon. He couldn’t have felt worse. Only deepening his wound which increased how reluctant his stubborn pride was about subsiding.

_Sheer cussedness, stupid self._

Maybe it was because Jihoon seldom apologized and he had hardly ever meant it. Maybe he did it once or twice for his siblings’ sake, but he didn’t feel he had meant it the last time he spoke to Soonyoung.

It was as if he didn’t want to mean it.

And what changed? He cared about Soonyoung, and he favoured him over anything his very own pride included, so why wouldn’t he take the first step? He knew it wasn’t weakness to apologize, it was an indirect way of setting your priorities straight.

He let out a frustrated sigh and shifted in bed.

He had to get into motion, Wonho would be back in less than a week, and he couldn’t bear how things hung loose in the air like that.

Eventually he decided to go for a walk.

He was just closing the door to Wonho's house when he saw a figure walking down the street, almost as if he were seeing his reflection. He rubbed his eyes, he couldn’t really be seeing Jungyeon.

She held something in her hands, under the weak streetlamps, he could tell it was a pile of papers. And she wasn’t alone. He saw Soonyoung and he wanted to run the other direction.

But if he always kept facing the other direction, nothing would happen. He should face other things as well, things that were his own.

He thought Jungyeon caught his eye, but she didn’t react, she was still talking to Soonyoung, he seemed somehow animated around her. She had that effect on people. They looked great together, he felt like he had unintentionally sabotaged something that should have been.

And once again he remembered, he and Jungyeon were twins.

He lurked in the shadows in Wonho's driveway, hoping they are looking for that house.

If there had been a shooting star when he wished they were coming there, things wouldn’t have gone better.

“Are you sure this’s the right address, Yoojung?” Soonyoung asked, examining the front door with his hands in his pockets.

“Seungcheol said I should get him something from here, he said it was the house of one of his friends and that friend wanted that thing to be sent to him ASAP.” She said with a smile.

_Hyung, that idiot, always hanging over._ It was the first time Jihoon smiled in ten days. It felt right.

_“_ Why’re you so suspicious of me?” She asked as she went through her bag, there wasn’t a chance she had the key, which was probably the plan.

“It’s because you’ve been acting weird and you keep being so vague about _that friend_ and _that thing_ , it’s not like you.” He sighed. “And you asked me and not Seokmin, so…”

“That jerk isn’t the one who lives in the house in front of mine, I’ve to be somewhere anyways,” she said. Her phone rang. “Speak of the devil. Can you like hold tight for five minutes, I’ve to get something from Sana, and she’s nearby in the neighbourhood.” She was already turning on her heels.

Jihoon's grin widened, he lowered his crossed hands and prepared his body to move.

“What!” Soonyoung exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air. “What kind of games are you playing, Sana can’t be here this time at night, this is probably a remote neighbourhood.”

Jihoon muttered his silent thanks.

“It’s just silent.” She shouted over her back. “It’s a real nice place to live, classy.”

Soonyoung let out a grunt and sat on the stairs, not watching her back as she ran into the darkness. He looked over his shoulder and at the door, stood up then started walking.

He stumbled on his feet. And he fell down.

Soonyoung didn’t curse, he didn’t say anything, he just had a smirk on his face as he stared at Jihoon's shoes.

Jihoon was stretching his hand out to Soonyoung. “Get up,” he said, a small attempt at being affable, it almost worked. When Soonyoung took it, Jihoon started feeling a stronger hope. When Soonyoung gave him a so-this-is-what-it’s-all-about look Jihoon said, “I had nothing to do with that.”

Soonyoung made a face, Jihoon retraced. “I’m glad it happened though. I was about to go to your house myself.”

“What do you want, Jihoon?” Soonyoung asked, his voice sounded tired, he didn’t completely avoid eye contact nonetheless. He went back to sitting on the steps, Jihoon stood in front of him.

“I’m sorry.” He said, putting his everything into meaning it. He knew he felt it. Soonyoung's eyes looked into his, they still hadn’t lost their warmth. “I decided I’d rather lose this argument than lose you.”

Soonyoung blinked a few times before saying, “This’s it?”

It was a dark stain that nothing could bleach, of course this wouldn’t be the end of it.

“Listen, Soonyoung,” Jihoon said. “I’m bad with feelings, with people, I always felt I had to offer you something but every time, I failed to, like you were too precious for me I couldn’t do you any wrong,” Soonyoung looked away but it didn’t stop Jihoon, he was undergoing his own private war, revelations were being said and he was finally aware of how true they had always been. “I know I did hurt you, I know I was wrong. But that’s the thing about me, I’d give up everything in a moment’s notice,”

_I would summon my self-destructiveness. Nothing and no-one is of value to me._ Jihoon thought guiltily. _But not anymore._

“So when you don’t always speak out your feelings it’s harder for me. If I can’t read your emotions you either have to spell them out or I’ve to be a mind-reader. Knowing you, there were suddenly no options left, it was either one way or the door, so I had to try harder into becoming a human being.”

He could see how sad Soonyoung's eyes were in the dark, he could see them sparkling the way they always did when he was begging himself to stay strong. “But it was all too late.”

Soonyoung looked at him after a while, he tried to smile but couldn’t. “But it was all too late.” He chocked out the words, they seemed to hurt him more than Jihoon did.

But Jihoon was already prepared to do whatever it took to have Soonyoung back. There was only one thing he couldn’t… wrong, wouldn’t do.

“I’m glad I met you and I don’t want to lose you, you just have to trust me.” He said, his voice adapting a lower shade as he looked at the ground, he was the one avoiding the eye-contact now.

“Jihoon, do you know,” Soonyoung began, his smile had tears in them, “I feared the day when I say ‘I miss you’ it wouldn’t be mutual, dreading the day when I utter the irrevocably unforgivable phrase, you’d not hear me and I’d never have the momentary courage I had back then to repeat it. Or worse, you’d not be within reach so I can entrust you with my feelings.”

Jihoon felt like crying already, he couldn’t imagine how this would hurt him in ways he still didn’t know. He felt like the two of them were ignoring a very sad presentiment while foreshadowing some inevitable doom regarding their relationship… yet each of them was fighting his own way for this.

“You scare me to boundaries I still haven’t discovered,” He got up, closed the pace and was breathing the words out on Jihoon's face. “The day I confessed to you I was the one scared to lose you. But you still push me away.”

“I’m sorry, I truly am.” Jihoon said, looking him straight in the eye and he felt how true the words felt on his tongue and weighed on his heart.

“You were always doubting everyone’s sincerity, acting indifferently to everything; even when I needed you to feel loved. You were gorgeous, distractingly beautiful, Jihoon.” Soonyoung said, caressing Jihoon's cheeks, it didn’t sound like a make-up speech, it was actually headed in the other direction and Jihoon couldn’t control his panic. “My eyes seemed to always find their way back to you after losing track for the briefest time interval, forever wander back to get lost in yours would be a better description.” He smiled, he was talking to Jihoon's lips and only his lips.

A brief yet brazen look of desire.

And each word hit Jihoon in the gut.

Soonyoung could see this much and Jihoon couldn’t even read any of his feelings.

Jihoon's hand held Soonyoung's caressing hands, he was shocked but Jihoon injected enough tenderness in his eyes to see them mimicked in Soonyoung's. No matter what, this guy wasn’t capable of hate. “How to understand something you don’t know? How could you be so sure you even love me?” Jihoon asked, it was the key to the problem. “That much you should be capable of telling me. You said you’ll teach me how to love.” It was his silent plea. “Why does love have to be such a weakness?”

“It’s not a weakness.” Soonyoung said, he never sounded so sure, Jihoon would have preferred he hadn’t voiced his analogy.

“It is. It means entrusting yourself with someone that’s not you. It’s dependent and it hurts.” _You got hurt,_ Jihoon thought.

“Why does it have to be like this? Maybe it can make you better; stronger? Life isn’t as simple as black and white.”

Jihoon was jealous, he couldn’t grasp how easily Soonyoung was assertive when it came down to how he felt.

“One day.” Soonyoung said, and Jihoon was confused. He later added, “I can never hate you, not in a million year, it was hard for me… I was jealous, I was angry.”

“I was wrong.” Jihoon objected.

It made Soonyoung flinch, but he soon opened his mouth, “You were. It is still hard for me; you said whoever gets bored first, leaves, but you did _not_.”

Jihoon wasn’t sure which team Soonyoung was debating for.

“It’s my mistake I fell for you, and I’m suffering,” he covered his face with the hand Jihoon wasn’t holding, his expression was agonized.

Jihoon was in retribution, that was what happened when he cared. Still, he couldn’t say the words Soonyoung needed to hear the most. “I’m sorry, Soonyoung, I just need time. I’ve a few things to settle down before telling you how I feel.”

If Jihoon could punch himself, he would have done it till he couldn’t recognize his features in the mirror anymore.

_Because once those words are said, we can't level back down._

Soonyoung took a deep breath and looked coldly at Jihoon at first then he became warmer. “What is it you’re giving me, Jihoon?”

“I don't know, I don’t know what I can ever give you. But my mistake, it’ll never happen again, I just want us to go back to the way we were.”

Soonyoung looked away, pained.

“I’m sorry I hurt you, I just-” He didn’t know what to say, he never did and probably never would. And Soonyoung was already kissing him, and he was kissing back.

He knew it hurt Soonyoung to give him time, but did Jihoon really leave him any other option?

“I love you; that’s my curse,” Soonyoung said once he broke away, he was smiling. “I give up, I’m still hurt, it’ll probably take a while to heal. But it hurts even more if you’re not by my side.”

“It would. Yes. I promise not to make it harder.” Jihoon whispered, eyes closed.

Soonyoung backed away and ran his hand through his hair. “Why do you have to be so cold-blooded? Why is that I want you so much?” He laughed. “Don’t make me force you to fall in love with me.”

Jihoon watched him laugh after crying, he never looked more beautiful.

_I think you are already doing that._

 

 

 

****

****

 

It was always the same every year. The gusting wind turning to rain, rain freezing into snow, snow melting into a cool breeze and cool breeze hazing in hot air. Soonyoung hated the transitory seasons the most. He wished rain would have had a longer contract. Spring meant summer was almost there. And April had just started.

And school had ended.

_But I want more._ He thought as he opened the window, watching the setting sun, he loved how the sky looked at dusk, it seemed like the perfect atmosphere for two loving souls that had initially been one. He always had those sudden inspirational lines gazing at nature; especially the sky at dusk.

And he had learnt to be inspired just the same whenever he looked at the night sky.

“Soonyoung!” His father called from downstairs. “Jeonghan is on the landline, I’ll be off.”

His father needn’t say more to have Soonyoung rush down the stairs, tripping more than once till he had picked up the phone. His father gave him a smile as he put on his shoes.

“Cheonsa!” Soonyoung said as lively as any spring morning.

“Little brother, how are you?”

His father kept watching him as he spoke to Jeonghan, telling him about school and about his plans for the summer, his father smiled again and opened the door, still looking at his son.

“I applied for a writing school.” He said at last and looked at his father then at the door. He watched him leave and before he closed the door he had said, “Hey, old man, would you mind leaving the door open?” he liked the breeze. His father nodded and did as such.

“Are you coming any time soon? You’re missed.” He said and laughed at what Jeonghan was saying. But he soon lost thought in the figure coming through the front door.

“Soonyoung, are you with me?” Jeonghan said after three long beats of silence.

“Sorry, I got,” He said and drawled with the foolish grin he always wore when he saw someone he liked. He shook his head and finally said, “Distracted.”

A specific someone.

“Soonyoung, I’ve to go now. I’ve sent you something, it should be there in a few days. I hope you enjoy it.” Jeonghan said, he didn’t sound urgent.

Seungcheol's voice came crashing from the background. “Tell your distraction to apply for something as well before it’s too late.”

Soonyoung laughed, he half heard Jeonghan's _Seungcheol-hyung_ before he said bye and hung up.

Jihoon was still standing at the front door, smiling from ear to ear with his hands behind his back. Soonyoung motioned for him to get in as he leaned on the dining table, watching him.

“I got you something,” Jihoon said, biting his lips.

_Well, I can see that,_ you _’re clearly here._

But it was a different kind of things. It was actually a bouquet. Soonyoung had kept staring at it and at Jihoon's stretched hands for a while before he could speak.

“I,” he was touched. “I don’t know what to say.”

“There’s some chocolate as well, but I ate half of it.” Jihoon said, scratching his neck. He liked Jihoon when he was open like that.

“I never said I liked flowers,” not to mention those were red carnations; Soonyoung's favourite.

“You’d not take your eyes off them when we were together at the flower shop where you work. And you recommended them to some guy before getting really, like _really_ starry-eyed about them.”

Soonyoung was beyond being simply speechless. He started blinking, trying out a lot of _I’_ s but none were heard. “I can’t believe you still remember.” It was those small gestures that always gave him hope. He just had to wait, Jihoon promised not to take long, he still wanted to understand what else as a proof he needed, but it was Jihoon's problem and not his. He put them in a vase and took the vase to his room, trying to be alone with his happiness so he wouldn’t look more foolish.

“Are you free tonight?” He called as he leapt the stairs. When Jihoon's reply came as a hesitant grunt, Soonyoung wouldn’t let him answer. “It’s okay, we can hang out later.” He was already too happy, he would not want to push it.

“Ah, it’s okay.” Jihoon called back.

_Huh?_

He placed the vase on his nightstand, he was about to turn to call out to Jihoon but the latter was already in front of him, a playful smile on his lips and he was pushing Soonyoung down.

“Priorities.” He said and planted a kiss on Soonyoung's lips, getting on top of him, then pulling him closer by the collar.

Soonyoung wondered if Jihoon were gentler would he have had enjoyed having sex with him so much. It was just another Jihoon thing.

“Your birthday is almost there,” Jihoon said, taking off Soonyoung's shirt.

“You’re remembering too many details, should I be worried?” Soonyoung heart was thumping crazily, this was the best thing ever.

“I read one of your small works earlier,” Jihoon wasn’t kissing Soonyoung, they were just talking in a very weird position. “And I just thought I’d punch you if you didn’t become a writer … maybe I should apply for you.”

Soonyoung laughed. “I could work with Seungcheol-hyung and sabotage my brother; I’m as good looking as Jeonghan, you know.”

Jihoon laughed. “Hyung would never go after you, his hands are already full and you should have seen the way he looks at your brother.”

_I don’t have to see it,_ Soonyoung thought, _I think I understand._

Jihoon got off him and lied next to him in bed. Soonyoung half rose up and stole a long, fulfilling kiss, savouring the way Jihoon’s lips tasted and his shut eyes before falling back to the mattress once again.

And Jihoon had to break the spell. “Do you think things will be different?  After this summer?”

It was as if he had just proposed something unnatural, something that defied all logic in the universe, only because Soonyoung had never thought about it.

And now that he did, it scared him.

They might be in different universities, he knew they would be separated someday but this seemed too soon.

Especially that when Soonyoung asked him a few days ago about the college he applied to, Jihoon had averted his eyes and wouldn’t answer. Soonyoung knew he must have thought of plenty of universities, lining up the possibilities as he usually did before rejecting various options.

“We still live across from each other,” he said, trying to hide his pain. He turned to face Jihoon. “Or maybe we should run away together… like our older brothers.”

Jihoon busted out laughing, “That’s what you call it?”

Soonyoung shrugged, anything he would say could and would be used against him.

“You’re thinking that I’d call you a romanticist again,” Jihoon challenged, turning on his stomach, the playful smile never left his face.

“Snap, you’re getting better.” It, both; excited and scared Soonyoung that Jihoon was getting a hang on reading him.

He got up and straddled Soonyoung again, “Are you angry?” he said while leaning in, his voice dropping gradually till it was reduced by the kiss.

Soonyoung’s kiss coaxed a soft moan out of Jihoon and consequently his, and his reply got swallowed by the heat.

“Insanely.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao thought this was a short update then I saw the nearly 6k and went like bruh, nahh  
> anyhoe, hope you liked it xx


	13. Neptune

 

 

Senior year usually made people worry about their future; be it academic or if they were pursuing an athletic future, then a scholarship, or if they were dropping out then taking over the family business.

As for Jihoon, he was worried about how he would have to give Soonyoung his answer in the party seniors were throwing. They only had to attend what remained of the ongoing week along with the next one and they were finally going to be free; they only had one exam left regardless of school ending. He hated the mess that had happened at school to keep away their official freedom like that.

“Hello, are you even listening?” Soonyoung said.

He turned and looked at Soonyoung as if he for a second forgot his existence. They had decided to go star-gazing in the morning, an irrational proposition made by Soonyoung. They discovered the sky and its beauty in the morning, looking at the moon as the sun lent it its light. It had been four hours already, they had finished studying in their special spot and then they started playing a bit with the telescope.

He started focusing on the bracelet on Soonyoung's hand. It was Jihoon's birthday gift to him, telling him he should add a pendant expressing the accomplishment he was adding it for, therefor he would never lose his motivation. Also because Jihoon kinda hated the wrist-bands Soonyoung was wearing.

“Shouldn’t there be one pendant already?” Soonyoung had asked back then and Jihoon played dumb, however they went to the shop and he got a star-shaped pendant which he hung so proudly. If it made Soonyoung happy, then so was Jihoon.

Jihoon didn’t give it much attention before, but the leather bracelet had an extra ‘thing’.

“Did you learn how to drive?” Jihoon asked.

Soonyoung looked at his hand. “Ah, that. Yes, it was Jeonghan’s gift to me when he came.”

Jihoon was impressed, Jeonghan only came back for a week; Soonyoung must be one fast-learner. They finished collecting their stuff and started walking. This time it was going to be Jihoon's house, his father was away for two weeks. Thankfully.

Soonyoung nudged him. “Can you drive?” He looked like a little kid happy he could do something his friend couldn’t. Too bad for Soonyoung nonetheless.

Jihoon laughed and said, “Wonho taught me when I was _fifteen,_ Soonyoung.” It felt funnier than it should.

Affronted, Soonyoung countered, “How did he even get a teacher’s position?”

Jihoon smiled. “Trust me, he has his ways.”

Soonyoung puffed his cheek. “He sounds like such a bad influence.” Jihoon knew Soonyoung wasn’t Wonho's number one fan, but he couldn’t sever ties with Wonho, their roots were entwined as stupid as it may sound.

Jihoon laughed again. He sounded just like Seungcheol. “I thought he was one of your favourite teachers.”

Soonyoung hesitated, making a weird face. “He was. I don't know. He is. It’s just that-”

Jihoon looked up at the sun and teased Soonyoung. “Yellow is such a beautiful colour.”

He punched him lightly. “Shut up!” he looked flushed but soon joined in Jihoon's laughter.

They passed a book store, Soonyoung made that triumphant sound one made when they remembered something major they almost forgot. “There’s a book I want you to read,” he was about to go into the bookstore when Jihoon grabbed his hand and shook his head.

“Maybe another day, there’s something I want to show you.”

It might have been a bad habit of Jihoon's, how he enjoyed Soonyoung's flustering and hence he worked on inducing it, but he just looked too cute to give up such a habit.

 

“Does Seungcheol-hyung even know about your relation?” Soonyoung asked while closing the main door.

Jihoon turned to him, raising an eyebrow, “What _is_ our relation?” and he laughed as he watched Soonyoung flush.

“I certainly hope it’s not like ours.” He shoved the telescope in Jihoon's chest and headed for the room on his own, leaving Jihoon with his smirk.

_Is that so?_ When Jihoon followed him upstairs, Soonyoung was at his desk, holding up a Rubik’s Cube.

“You hadn’t touched this?” He asked, studying the colours.

_Solved it._ He shook his head, “Uh-uh, I don’t feel like solving it.” He lied. _Twice._

He started playing with the pendant in his pocket as he watched Soonyoung shuffle the tiles. He sat down on the floor by the bed’s foot, opposite to a childlike Soonyoung. He didn’t once interrupt him, he didn’t speak either.

He only had faith in him.

After eighteen minutes, Soonyoung cried out loudly, victorious, he had the colours organized at last. Jihoon smiled to himself while shaking his head.

“I did it!” He cried out, “After so many trials, I deserve a damn trophy.”

“You do.” Jihoon got out the pendant in his pocket and held it up. “Hold out your hand.”

Soonyoung was looking at the cube-like pendant the same way a kid would eye his medal. Jihoon hung it but wouldn’t let go of Soonyoung’s hand. He looked the latter in the eye.

_I…_

He closed his mouth in his mind and pressed a smile again, letting go of Soonyoung's hand. Soonyoung got up and walked to the library in Jihoon’s room, he always did that before laying a bomb-question on him.

He grabbed a book and slowly turned to Jihoon, leafing through the pages while narrowing his eyes. He didn’t speak for a long while, looking at the same page, his eyes went back and forth then up and back and forth again. Jihoon didn’t know which page infatuated him like that but he was worried enough to prompt him.

“What?”

“That’s the book.” He said, closing it and holding it up in the air. “That was the book I was going to buy for you today.” He seemed to be waiting for some kind of reaction.

But Jihoon was suddenly cold regardless of the hazy atmosphere.

“That book seemed like that kind of things _you_ would like.” He elaborated, walking back and forth in a two-meter space, he got like that before getting especially romanticizing. “It’s even called _Cosmic Love_. I read it recently even tho I bought it shortly before your birthday, it was my initial present but since I didn’t get the chance to read it I couldn’t give it to you.” He stopped talking and glided on his knees till he was sitting in front of Jihoon.

He was smiling warmly, too warmly that his cheeks were flushed. “I wanted us to have a corporal emotional bond, that one two can have after sharing something that’s simply too good to be real.”

As Jihoon smiled, he imagined punching the sandbag hard enough it swung and hit him harder. He almost laughed when he remembered it was physically impossible, it defied plenty of laws.

But that wasn’t the time to be laughing.

Soonyoung was on his feet again, doing the pacing. “You didn’t like poetry, so the lines couldn’t hit you. But if it was something you could relate to or project upon, then it would substantially become a part of you, it would be _our_ thing.” His pitch dropped as he said the last part, mortally ashamed for some reason.

“So you like it that much?” Jihoon asked cautiously.

“Liked it? If I ever got to be that great writer, I’d praise it everywhere, I’d tell everyone how Sangchul Ahn influenced me and how much I love him.”

He often enjoyed listening to Soonyoung arguing with himself as he argued for both teams to get through why he had liked a certain thing while he understood why Jihoon wouldn’t like the exact same thing. But this wasn’t one of those enjoyable moments.

“From the introduction, the quote he used, the one line sentence it felt dark ‘ _I wanted to tell you all my secrets but you became one of them instead._ ’, that’s just plain genius. I don't know why this book didn’t go more viral.” He looked at the ceiling, savouring the lines he had just read in his mind.

“Why did you think I’d like it?” Jihoon treaded carefully.

“You didn’t?” It was as though Soonyoung's bubble was burst and he brutally crashed to reality.

“I did.” Back then, Jihoon probably didn’t know he wasn’t being one-hundred-percent honest. “But that’s not my question.”

Soonyoung tapped the book a few times on his palm. He looked thoughtful but flushed eventually. “Apart from the obvious,”

Jihoon cut him off, “Please state the obvious, I love hearing you talk.”

He hesitated for a second then picked off where he had left. “Anything related to sky or astronomy is a reminder of you, Jihoon.” He said softly, but spoke quickly because he didn’t intend to give Jihoon the time to react to his words. “It’s a story of a journey, a self-discovery one, a complex boy, a contradictory who fell in love with a rich girl –the only cheesy part about the book-, how he was dedicated to loving her even though he knew nothing else about himself except how profoundly he felt for her, it was the only thing he was sure of.” He paused. “He thought love was the thing he looked for, but it never was, he was wrong and he learnt a lot about himself once he had learnt to see things through her eyes, he fell in love with the girl because she reminded him of the sky. Which was paradoxical since the girl physically disappeared from his life after three chapters, but her role never ended, she was the sign, the thing that convinced the boy something in life was deeper, something worth discovering. Gradually he started forgetting her, approaching the end he refused to ever remember the girl again. By the very end, he realized it was never love he felt for her, it was love for a much deeper entity. It was tragic at first but the ending was fairly satisfying, even though it was a little bit melancholy.” He paused to grasp his breath. “The boy seemed like your exact antithesis, as if he were your foil character in a much bigger story.”

Jihoon sighed. “Because I can’t understand my feelings?”

“Yes.” It came out without hesitation but Soonyoung was heaving, lack of breath still.

He spoke again after a while, “Also, it wasn’t at all romantic and involved none of those lovey-dovey things, so I knew you’d like it.”

“It wasn’t romance?” Jihoon was glad his smile indicated he was teasing, however, he needed a tangible answer.

He opened the book, Jihoon knew it was the same page he had been staring at and he sat cross-legged next to Jihoon. He didn’t talk, only reread the same goddy part for who knew how many times. He closed the book then laughed.

“You can laugh at me later for this; having my head in the clouds as you say, but the way I perceive this piece of art is that the boy found his salvation in the constellation, it feels like there is reverent passion between the lines, not so easily detectable yet jarringly tangible to those who can form a relation. I could feel it there, I just can’t tell how.” Dreamlike wonder shaded into his tone. Jihoon tried to think of the story in a different aspect, looking for the romance in a self-discovery journey that had no forms of love in it. But he gave up on the idea eventually. It hurt his mind to think about it.

After a while, Jihoon asked another question. “You always gave me your copies, why didn’t you lend it to me after reading it?”

Soonyoung sighed, smiling. “Because you should _own_ a copy … and I can’t give up mine either.”

Jihoon didn’t know what to say so he said the thing he first thought of, “You’re amazing, Soonyoung.” He leaned in, running his hand in Soonyoung's hair then he took a lock of hair between his fingers, running them all the way to the end, tugging them.

“What are you doing?” Soonyoung whispered, clearly having trouble breathing and keeping his eyes away from Jihoon’s lips.

Again, Jihoon said the only thing that came to mind. “Not thinking.”

_Any more of this goes on and I’ll say more reckless things._

_  
_

 

 

 

 

“Tonight, _gentlemen_ , we’re no longer slaves to our studies.” Junhui delivered the final words of his speech with a loud ceremonious voice as he stood on a table and popped up a bottle Soonyoung suspected wasn’t juice. But they were celebrating, it wasn’t time to go all good-guy-Soonyoung on everyone. And legally, almost everyone wasn’t a minor.

And the crowd was clapping, whistling, cheering, everyone was happy.

They had been done with the ceremony, got their certificates and took pictures and were done by 7 P.M., but everyone had been planning what to happen after that since the beginning of the year. There were no teachers, cool or not, it was just the class year, about sixty or seventy person celebrating the end of their school-life. Soonyoung thought he would have to convince Jihoon to go with him, but the latter was already convinced.

“I’m enjoying life now, remember?” He had justified when Soonyoung had given him a skeptical look. It was a valid excuse.

They sang cheesy songs, some girls cried, drunk guys made fun of everyone and hence made fun of themselves, the room had witnessed a lot of hugs and kisses as though it were an airport, you could find some people causally making out, others were already slipping out, enjoying what little time they had together before each went his separate way. And no one refused to drink.

Soonyoung started thinking it was such a bad idea, drinking. He guessed a lot of those who were there never drank before, at least not that strongly, he couldn’t trace down who came up with the idea in spite of his drunkenness. He wanted to laugh.

_The specifically affectionate, those who can’t hold their tongues,_ Soonyoung kept scrutinizing the room while laughing, trying to handle his laughter the same time he tried not to find everything hilarious. His cup began spilling. Momo wanted to hug everyone, a guy Soonyoung couldn’t remember his name had just declared he was horny, Junhui seemed to have lower tolerance to bullshit, a group of girls were having deep conversations and a few guys professing their undying love to their friends, Seokmin loudly declared he wanted to be the heart of the party, someone so familiar seemed to be in a daredevil mode, their domineering student-body was contemplating his cup, muttering stuff about being intoxicated and Mingyu was crying not-sad-tears as he dialed his ex. Everything was funny, wasn’t it?

It didn’t matter, laughter was what the house was roaring of.

And there was one person Soonyoung noticed was still probably the most rational person in the room. He looked for him, when his eyes found Jihoon he laughed and said, “What a time to be alive, I feel …” he wobbled a bit as he raised both of his hands up, spilling some of his drink as he laughed, “AMAZING!” he shouted and drank up.

Even though there was that much noise, he could hear Jihoon laughing as clear as birds’ chirping just after dawn.

“I think you drank too much,” Jihoon said, throwing his hand around Soonyoung who could hardly keep his legs standing, they walked about two meters before Soonyoung's legs collapsed causing Jihoon to fall down with him. They blinked at each other silently and almost at the same moment they laughed. “I can swear someone put something in the water source. Kiss me.” Jihoon demanded.

Soonyoung stuck his tongue out. “Lee Jihoon is a little bit tipsy,” he teased and titled his head from side to side as though the words he spoke were his rhyme, but he kissed Jihoon all the same. He could swear he saw a few girls making out with each other, no one would judge anyone that was if they remembered… and even if they did, Soonyoung didn’t care.

After a while of drunk chatter with some colleagues, Soonyoung returned to Jihoon. A girl had just fallen on Jihoon and simply like that he pushed her away, basically throwing her on the floor, he stepped away from above her lying body and met Soonyoung halfway.

This time Soonyoung had to fall to the floor because his tummy hurt from all the laughter. _He just passed her like she were a rug._ He wanted to stop laughing, he had to. If you took away the laughter, Soonyoung was in a better shape than Jihoon who couldn’t walk straight by now.

“I’m dizzy,” Jihoon slurred intentionally.

He debated laughing but he was glad he succeeded at holding it back, at least he could clearly see. “We’ve to find someone who drives you home,”

“No, no.” Jihoon flailed slowly and weakly with his hand, touching Soonyoung's face. “It’s Hyung’s car, I’m not leaving it behind. You drive us.”

“Do you want to leave now?” Soonyoung asked, smiling. He would rather spend more quality time with a _tipsy_ Jihoon than attend any parties, even if it was hosted by the president himself.

“Yesss,” not only did he shift the language but also hissed the ‘s’ like a snake and laughed at his own joke.

He half-dragged Jihoon through the crowd, bumping him into some people deliberately, watching a small banter arouse as he laughed but everything calmed down. A few people even hugged Jihoon as they left.

“Watch out,” it was Seokmin.

“Did you call your ex yet?” Soonyoung laughed.

“Just call your current girlfriend, idi-ot.” Jihoon drew an ‘idiot’ in the air and smirked. “She’ll be pissed when she learns you called your ex.”

Soonyoung would have laughed if he didn’t understand where this came from, Jihoon was making a joke where he, himself, was the butt of it.

Seokmin laughed then shrugged. “I called both, haha. I think I’m doomed, haha.” He said and left them, joining a group of girls.

 

Soonyoung gently placed Jihoon's body in the front seat, slipping out of his neck-embrace slowly then he fastened his seatbelt. He looked like a bending question mark, the way he let himself hang to the right side in his seat. Soonyoung pictured himself laughing at that. He took out his phone and said, “Smile.” Then took a picture of a grunting Jihoon.

“Jungyeon kept saying she’d never forgive me for being one-grade ahead of her.” He said when Soonyoung was fastening his seatbelt.

Soonyoung grinned, “Yea, she had been going at it ever since we were taking our exams.” She even stayed up all night yesterday, keeping Soonyoung awake as well, talking to him about how unfair life was. Then she started talking about Jihoon and her boyfriend and how she and Soonyoung had to hang out some time soon because she ‘ _missed the hell out of him’_ and Soonyoung couldn’t just say no to Yoojung.

“She even bought herself a skateboard and got me nothing.” Jihoon complained, pouting.

“How mean of her,”

“You don’t understand, it was neon-blue, it looked pretty.” Jihoon argued and Soonyoung couldn’t help his laughter.

He looked at the trashed house, at the words being sprayed and painted on the wall.

_Parents are going to get angry about that._ He sniggered at the thought.

He started driving, doing his best not to laugh at whatever Jihoon was saying. He gave him food so he could focus on driving without having to focus on not laughing. It was a one-hour drive after all. Soonyoung knew it should be fun.

“I can tell you I love you now,” Jihoon said. Soonyoung learnt not to yield to such cheap tricks, Jihoon loved that kind of mind-games, when they became ‘together’ he proved more than once how well he could play them, he proved how much of an evil little shit –as Soonyoung often thought when he was tricked- he really was. What was stupid was how fuzzy it turned Soonyoung on the inside, especially that he believed Jihoon wasn’t aware of his evil-shit skills.

So, it would take less than a while to master not being swindled or swayed by those advances.

“Then I could hate you forever.” He said with a smile. He half-meant that.

“Then I love you.” Jihoon said and got out a bag of chips and started eating that.

_And I’m a fool._ Soonyoung sighed internally, he could feel the laughter kick in and he gave way. He wanted a sober Jihoon to tell him the same thing yet drunkenness always prevailed the true colours.

“You look prettier than usual tonight,” Jihoon kept flirting.

Soonyoung looked at him in the rearview mirror, catching his smile beneath the potato-chips. “Thanks.” He said rolling his eyes and smiling. If they were caught now it would be problematic. A drunk minor and a driving drunk exceeding the speed limit, how cool would that be?

“I really want to jump you right now.” Jihoon said after a while.

It had only been one third of their drive and Jihoon was like that. But Soonyoung wasn’t one to complain, he wouldn’t mind smooching if he could. He heard a lazy shuffle next to him. Jihoon kissed his cheek, parting with it as quickly as he had met it.

“I don’t think now is the right time.” _Please, not now._

“There’s never a right time, this’ll never be right.” He was kissing his neck now and Soonyoung was getting hotter.

_Why wouldn’t the drinks numb that as well!_

“Back off, Jihoon. You can wait.” He elbowed Jihoon and he did back away eventually.

“But fuck, you really look beautiful.” Jihoon exclaimed more hotly this time. If the first time he had stated that had been a lure-in, this one was genuine. Soonyoung felt proudly flattered.

“I’m so hungry, the acid had killed all the food and I’ve not even eaten a thing!” Soonyoung complained, hitting the steering wheel lightly. But he was almost there, he was glad the highway was emptier than usual. If Jeonghan knew he drove at night _and_ while he was drunk, he would probably turn him in to have his license confiscated himself. The thought amused Soonyoung slightly.

“Mhmm,” the thing beside him made that weird noise. Soonyoung glanced sideways, he was holding at least five poky-sticks in his mouth, and they stuck out as Jihoon stuck out his neck, clearly asking Soonyoung to eat them.

Soonyoung laughed, he looked at the road once and at Jihoon twice, he decelerated a bit, which in his speed wasn’t counted as having slowed down. He carefully turned his face to the side and took the other side of the sticks in till he met Jihoon's lips.

He almost got too caught up if it weren’t for the car’s honk which just passed them in the other direction. On managing not to crash, Soonyoung glared at Jihoon who feigned innocence and he promised himself he would show some more self-restraint.

“I need you to kiss me,” Jihoon chuckled, “There was that girl who tried making up with me and I want to take this off my mind.”

Soonyoung felt Jihoon's hand reaching for hi sides. “I’ll tickle you.” Jihoon threatened and Soonyoung laughed.

“Fine, fine, just keep your hands to your sides.” Soonyoung said, he feared the tickling more than the officer at that point. That was his bias. “You lean in, I’m driving.”

“And I’m distracting the driver.”

They both laughed and Jihoon ended up leaning in for their kiss. He broke away after a bit over a second but Soonyoung was still savouring the taste.

He only opened his eyes when Jihoon screamed for him to watch out. Everything that happened didn’t seem real yet he knew he could never forget it. The cracked windshield, the blood on it, the flying skateboard, the dulled thud of a body hitting the ground, Jihoon's panicked face, the face he caught in the mirror, his very own horrid face, the quickness of Jihoon's reaction and his shouts that seemed faraway, the cheer panic of the situation and the skyrocketing heartbeat that made Soonyoung feel like fainting. And at last, the earsplitting sound of a thundering scream.

_I’m so sorry…_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
> 
>  
> 
> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


	14. Mars

 

 

Summer was supposed to be a happy time of the year, when everything was so bright and the sun lasted longer than it did during the cold days, when the night sky looked darker at night and the chilly breeze refreshed people. Kids would play at the parks, people would swim, no school meant teenagers everywhere, sauntering around radiating a carefree attitude.

But Jihoon's summer had ended before it had begun.

He was sunk in the chair, leaning forward, his elbows on his knees, his paired fingers balancing his head… he was trying to calm himself. Jungyeon had been in the hospital for six days, declared ‘alive only by life support’ for five days. He could still see it all clearly.

His foolishness led to this. He couldn’t forgive himself.

It killed him once to see her bleeding body, another dagger was to see Soonyoung's mental state back then -and he was still seeing it now, a sharper dagger when Seungcheol broke down on the phone and what was still twisting in his heart was how he still wouldn’t let her go. He knew he would have to at some point, but he couldn’t make peace with the situation much less take a decision. His parents faked being sad for two days, but that was it. Maybe his mom was truly mourning, as for his dad … he didn’t care. He never did to begin with. None of them cared enough to have a talk with Kwon-sshi, the natural course of action taken when your son and his boyfriend kill your daughter.

But they didn’t and they wouldn’t.

They didn’t even care enough to tend to their proxy duties, Jihoon would somehow fake the signature to anything. The least he could do was manage that much.

He couldn’t cry. He was too numb, his voice would come out choked when he talked, but not a single tear would fall. He was the one who told Soonyoung it wasn’t his fault. And he meant it.

The fault was only Jihoon's.

He had to get drunk, he had to ask Soonyoung to drive them, he had to distract Soonyoung, he had to kiss Soonyoung, he had to go into a relation with Soonyoung, he had to sabotage Jungyeon's romantic relationship with Soonyoung.

When he went to the hospital when the ambulance took his twin-sister, he lashed out at Seokmin.

“You had to call her,” he had hissed, pushing him back roughly in the hospital’s main entrance. “She was there because _you_ called her.” And there had only been pity in Seokmin’s eyes, for he was already mourning her. He was about to hit Seokmin when Soonyoung held him back, crying out stuff like it was nobody’s fault; which Jihoon knew Soonyoung himself didn’t believe.

It was unbearable in the house, more unbearable.

He told Seungcheol there was no point in staying there when he came two days earlier. So without the two of his siblings there, Jihoon saw no point in being there. He had to make Seungcheol leave, for he was an emotional wreck, he wouldn’t stop crying, it was taking a huge toll on Jihoon who was already at his limit, doing his best to stay sane. But they fought and after Seungcheol had slammed the front door, he went back and hugged Jihoon after that nevertheless.

And still, Jihoon was numb.

He had chosen emptiness over pain. He knew if he flicked on his feelings, he would break down. Soonyoung didn’t leave his or Jungyeon's side at all. He knew Soonyoung felt guilty, he wanted to tell him it wasn’t his fault again but Jihoon was already in too much pain to care about another’s more than he did already. None of them had changed out of their clothes. Soonyoung chose a less numb way, he didn’t cry either; if he did, it wasn’t in front of Jihoon, but his face looked forever hurt, as if a scar were there and would never go away.

There was no point in staying at the hospital either, even the doctors told him so. The nurses looked like they pitied them. Jihoon would have gotten himself in jail had he not numbed out before lashing out at the questioning police-officer.

“So you were driving and she came out of nowhere and you hit her, is your story?” the officer had asked.

“No. I saw my sister, I went crazy and I decided to run her over.” It was just a bit after he sobered up the first night. “I wanted to kill her.” And then came in the numbing, the only reason he wasn’t arrested was probably because the officer as well pitied Jihoon.

He almost killed her once when they were in the womb, depriving her from her designated oxygen. And after seventeen years, he did the same thing all over again.

And his world fell off balance.

Jungyeon was only technically dead, BLS only kept her dead-brain and partially-functioning heart alive because Jihoon still yet had to make a decision.

_I never apologized enough._

_I never told you I love you enough._

_I never became the brother you wished I were._

Jihoon clenched his hands to his hair. He got up, kicked the chair and let out a silent shriek then left the room.

He washed his face, trying to look decent, decent enough to fool people into thinking he was in control; that he could still call the shots. He hated himself. He wished it had been him instead.

He went back to the room, grabbed the papers and the pen and signed the forums. The pen’s ink coming out too much at the last stroke as he carved the papers.

He stood up, drew closer to the bed. She looked beautiful, as if she were only sleeping with a bandaged head. Her face was intact, she had been _alive_ for the first night but then it was over. He reached for her hand, pressed it the same way she always did to assure him.

Their thing.

His tear slipped down.

He could see her face as she was in his arms, the blood she coughed out when she tried to speak. Till the very last second she was smiling, the blood on her fingers left a blood trail on Jihoon's face as she gently touched his face and shook her head. He was frantically apologizing, assuring her, he was probably crying as he held her.

He didn’t do CPR.

And he regretted thinking it didn’t matter back then.

She could have been saved.

The hardest kinds of goodbyes were the ones one never got the chance to bid.

“I’m sorry you never got the chance to live.”

_I know I shouldn’t have existed, sorry._

And on his way out, he had turned off the ventilator, hearing the loud beep, seeing the nurses rush in, ignoring Jihoon; her killer. He caught a glimpse of a panicked Soonyoung on his way out. Jihoon looked at him and smiled, he could taste his salty tears in his mouth, his lips quivered as he attempted a wider smile. He watched Soonyoung slipping against the wall, holding his head in his hands, his tears finally breaking loose.

And he turned around, focusing on how feebly the numbing worked.

The responsible doctor put a gentle hand on Jihoon's shoulder as he held the papers Jihoon had just signed.

He felt a pit of emptiness in his heart. And emptiness ate away his insides.  

 

 

 

 

 

Soonyoung didn’t see Jihoon during the funeral. He hadn’t really spoken to him since the night after the day Jungyeon had been declared dead, only once very recently. He didn’t know what to say to him, hell, he didn’t know how to lie to himself. He blamed himself for Jungyeon's death, he could see it in everyone’s eyes even though they never said it. And the one who should blame him the most was taking it all up on his shoulder, never once telling him how much of a monster he was.

He couldn’t manage halfway through the funeral, he left only after ten minutes of his arrival, launching out like a grieving man gone crazy. Ignoring everyone, his father, his brother, Seungcheol, Seokmin and all the sad mourning faces. Nobody disliked Jungyeon, she was his friend, she was the cause of the occurrence of plenty of great things in his life. Her existence itself always made his heart lighter.

Everyone was in pain because of him. Because of what he did.

And something was wrong between his brother and his partner ever since what happened.

He never said goodbye, he had stolen her life. And without warning.

 

He didn’t know what he was doing, but his legs were kicking open the front door of their neighbouring house, he was calling out Jihoon's name. He went up to his room, recalling their brief talk the last time they spoke.

He had met Jihoon ten hours ago, less than an hour before dawn. “I don’t have any words to say except I’m sorry.” Soonyoung had said, thinking how thin his words were, he couldn’t express how he felt, it was indescribable, he contributed to more than one person’s pain. As if one weren’t a large number as it is.

“Nor do I,” Jihoon said blankly. His eyes were dead, his voice had no echo, just a shell.

He couldn’t bring himself to touch Jihoon, so he just set on; passing Jihoon by, leaving. But Jihoon's words rendered him speechless. “Thank you for everything. I’m sorry.” Jihoon had said, leaving as well, and like that they had crossed paths.

He shook away the memory, not wanting to think about what it entailed. He feared the thought, could he lose more people than he already had?

“Jihoon!” he called out, leaping the steps three at a time, heading for Jihoon’s room. And it was the first time he saw it being in such a mess. The drawers were out, clothes on the floor, his CDs scattered on the floor along with opened books which had fallen out of the library. He quickly went for the desk, looking for the college papers. They were gone. Along with the snow-globe.

_Screw it, Jihoon. Do you always have to do this!_

He was about to leave the house, but Jungyeon's door started opening, moved by the wind. It was as if he were meant to see her room. When he stepped in, he wished he hadn’t. It was vandalized, nothing was intact, nothing was in place, it made Jihoon's room in its current state look neat. Most of her clothes were on the floor, the closet itself was halfway between falling and staying in place. Her school books were on the floor, broken CDs, an opened album lied on bed, pictures were torn out. The framed picture of her and Seungcheol and Jihoon which she had kept next to her bed was broken.

He would not let himself go further into the room, he had seen enough.

He was running through the woods; wishing the branches would cause him a much graver pain. He headed for their special spot at first, Jihoon wasn’t there. He stood catching his breath for two seconds then checked his surroundings. He tried Jihoon's phone but, of course, it would be out of service. He took off his jacket and tie as he ran, trying to avoid a certain pushing thought forcing itself on him. He went to the school’s roof, then library, to Wonho's, he even tried the park but they were all clear of any signs of Jihoon.

He was out of breath by the time he thought he had gotten the place right. He hailed a cab and gave him his direction.

It was the place Jihoon first felt strongly and expressed it.

Soonyoung was standing in front of the dojo.

He checked his watch, it was a few minutes to five. He hastily described Jihoon to the girl responsible for the dojo rooms and he was lucky.

It ripped apart his heart, making it ache how his description had been of a wrecked boy. How he uttered the description: eyes dark and sunken, and thought _deep pockets of sorrow_.

Jihoon was death on two feet.

He ran to the room in question and barged in. Jihoon was down on his knees, tugging at the sandbag as he cried silently. Soonyoung stood by the door, wanting to cry himself.

There was a big bag on the floor.

Jihoon looked up, wiping his tears with his sleeves and he got up on his feet with some effort. From the look of it, he had sprained his ankle or something in spite of a hard kick. The girl said he had been there for nearly an hour now.

“It’s good that you came,” he said, no more alive than he had been in the past week. “You’re my last unfinished business.”

Soonyoung suppressed the impulse to cringe at the hollowness of Jihoon's usually dimensional voice.

He strode slowly, confidently, trying to wield his emotions. “Don’t leave,” he said when he stopped just two feet away from Jihoon. “It serves no purpose,”

Jihoon looked away, Soonyoung would have too, knowing what he had to say and was about to say, but he couldn’t break down, not just yet. “She’s already dead, there’s no point.”

Jihoon sneered. “I don’t see any reason for staying either.”

As if Soonyoung were born knowing that one sentence, he was speaking no later than Jihoon had finished. “Am I not enough?” he wasn’t trying to be cold or insensitive, it might have been selfish of him, but it was also selfish of Jihoon to leave.

Jihoon’s expression changed, he was wearing one akin to that he wore while smiling the other night; it was one expression Soonyoung was more than familiar with. “What’s the point?”

Soonyoung might have been on the verge of telling Jihoon he loved him, but Jihoon spoke first, his eyes cold, words razor-sharp, “I can’t bear to stay in a place where she once lived,” he closed the distance with Soonyoung, mightily angry looking down on him, “I can’t look at you either.” He looked furious.

“It is pointless,” Soonyoung said, getting worked up.

“This, Soonyoung, is the definition of pointlessness.” Jihoon clenched his fist, lunacy raged in his eyes. “Loving something you know will be taken away from you. A week later, a year, now maybe. It’d simply be gone and you’ve nothing to do about it, much less accept it.” He placed his fingers between Soonyoung's two rib-cages. “The _dread_ of living under the threatening thought, telling yourself to enjoy the moment, might as well lie to yourself … but eventually, it’ll be gone. Everyone would be gone one way or another.”

Soonyoung shook his head, closing his eyes.

_Just a little longer_.

“You’ll love someone else. You should, I was never good for you.” He still said those words with so much hollowness in his voice and eyes. Just when Soonyoung thought getting angry could revive him.

Soonyoung shook his head again. He held Jihoon's outstretched hand, a vague sense of déjà vu. He pressed it nearer to the left rib-cage. “This is my heart when I think about you, this is how strong it beats.”

He leaned in, touching foreheads with Jihoon who –thankfully- didn’t back away regardless of his empty expression. “And this’s how it goes when we kiss.” He pressed the hand more strongly to his heart, kissing Jihoon slowly at first, then there was hunger. Jihoon bit his lips, held Soonyoung's lower lip between his, pushed his head forward, deeper in, crushing the air between them.

If Soonyoung were a machine, it would have overheated, malfunctioned after that kiss.

When they broke away, each was gasping for oxygen, neither was looking anywhere but down. He could still see Jungyeon's smiling face as she shook her head compassionately, her lips which uttered something that cracked; something he knew was, _“Don’t break your promise, Hoshi.”_ After he had told her to hang on, that the ambulance was on its way.

He couldn’t break his promise, he never intended to. Now he had a stronger reason for his dozen of reasons list.

He reached for Jihoon's neck, about to draw it closer when Jihoon pushed him back.

He looked angry, and that would have been the understatement of the year. “I’m leaving and you can’t stop me, just like you couldn’t stop me when we were in the car, when we killed her.” He spat and Soonyoung flinched. Jihoon never once blamed him, and now he was letting it all out.

And Soonyoung was at loss of words.

Jihoon was already passing him, heading for the door.

_One: Denial._

He couldn’t believe this was really happening.

“Goddammit! Why do you’ve to make everything so hard for me, Jihoon!?” Soonyoung was shouting after Jihoon, gut clenching, face bright crimson. How could he expect to be calm after that much push-and-pull, he couldn’t pamper Jihoon anymore, he couldn’t rally with Jihoon’s emotions either. If that were Jihoon's eruption, then Soonyoung was creating another emotional tumult.

_Two:  Anger._

Jihoon's bag dropped with a loud bang. He turned around, hissing again, he spoke through clenched teeth. “You think this’s easy for me?”

He wasn’t supposed to answer but he had to. “Then I wouldn’t make it easier for you. Stay…” he pleaded more desperately. “Please.”

“This is _not_ easy for me.” Jihoon said, paused for a second, looking Soonyoung in the eye who was no less angry on the inside but his desperation took some of the anger away from his face. Their eyes still locked together, the pleading and the leaving.

_Three: Bargaining._

“Wait,” Soonyoung said, turning to Jihoon, seeing his hand freeze before the door. He didn’t speak but his body said it was okay, he was going to listen and Soonyoung found nothing else to do but speak his piece. “Please don’t fall for anyone else.” He said, he tried not sound as desperate but hiding desperation when you had reached your nadir was impossible, and it prevailed in his voice.

It didn’t feel much of a surprise to Soonyoung how he had already started forming a scenario that had no Jihoon in it; how his mentality had provided a possibility of living with Jihoon being gone.

He still wouldn’t move, Soonyoung couldn’t bring himself to study Jihoon's expression, it hurt enough as it was. But he did catch a glimpse of his lips. And the numbness set in.

Jihoon smirked, and being satisfied at seeing Soonyoung's expression he had left.

Soonyoung watched him then he was staring at the closed door. He didn’t know what to do. But Jihoon was leaving and Soonyoung knew for a fact there was nothing else he could do about it. Much less accept it.

_Four: depression._

His body wouldn’t move till a few minutes had already been gone. He felt empty, well, emptier. He walked till he reached home, ignoring when his father called out to him, ignoring everything else. He wouldn’t let himself feel, he wouldn’t let himself react. A sufficient curse was that his four remaining senses still functioned.

He wished that, too, had stopped. For he could see the gift-box he had bought not five months ago on his desk, a paper sticking out to it.

He took two long paces till he had reached the desk, he opened the box before reading the note, and of course it was _the_ snow-globe. And he felt his chest tighten.

He wasn’t doing such a great job at not feeling.

Frightened, he read the note.

 ““I can NEVER forgive you.””

Jihoon's handwriting.

He crumbled the paper, clenched his fist, looked at the ceiling and took a deep breath. Then with a loud scream, an angry frustrated scream, he threw the fragile paper against the wall.

And he recalled Jihoon's face as he smirked earlier, how he so coldly hurt him again

… _I hate you,_ he had said.

_Five: Acceptance?_

 

 

****

****

 

Jihoon chugged his drink, feeling Wonho's presence to his right, feeling the bar-tender’s eyes on him. But he didn’t care, he would be gone forever.

His phone buzzed, it was a text, and he could still feel Wonho's eyes on him.

_Are you sure?_ It read. _The more steps you take, the harder it’s to go back._

He looked up at the ceiling, at the strobe lights, finished his drink and lied down his cup with loud thud. He nodded.

Wonho's chair slid back and he headed out.

Three seconds later, Jihoon was following him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //wipes bead of sweat away  
> that was gloomy... alright then :")


	15. Apus

**Part Two,**

**Tidal Waves**

 

 

 

Jihoon tried calling Chan again but no one picked up. He was still trying to understand how that guy was enrolled in the same college he was. Taking in consideration the latter never once showed interest in that field _and_ the fact the university wasn’t in the same place Chan lived. The same place their high-school was.

He sighed and recalled how things were nearly four years ago, recalling his first year in college, how Chan-free it was. At least he, Chan, was the only one on campus from their old school. He was the only thing connecting Jihoon to his life in Busan.

His fourth year was about to begin, his first class of the year was to start in less than twenty-four hours.

“Lee,” his roommate was saying, “Your phone has been buzzing ever since the evening.” He looked irritated as he handed Jihoon the phone, Jihoon who reluctantly took it. His roommate left the room with an exasperated expression; it always amused Jihoon how short of a fuse this guy had.

Without checking his phone, he put it in his pocket and kept staring at the ceiling; Jihoon was deliberately ignoring it after all. It was the phone he ignored, the number he gave to people he wanted to ignore. It rang two more times, the caller seemed persistent enough that Jihoon decided to leave the room and take a walk. He was about to take the stairs down when the phone started ringing again, he, at last, decided to see at least who was calling.

_Hyung._

Someone was standing in front of him, he looked up from the phone.

_Hyung!_

“Hello, little brother,” Seungcheol said, smiling as brightly as ever, his smile disguising the annoyance. The exact person Jihoon had been avoiding for two days was in front of him. He tsk’d and looked away.

_I’m not coming home!_ Jihoon screamed in his mind for the millionth time just like he had snapped at Seungcheol when the latter asked him last time, which was the third time since the beginning of the year.

“You should pack your things, we’re leaving.” He said from behind as Jihoon was already taking down the stairs.

“No. You’re leaving, I have classes early in the morning.” Jihoon was at the dormitory’s main door when he heard Seungcheol's laughter.

He waited for his brother to tag along, took him an unnecessary ten seconds. “You’re no longer enlisted here, you’ll be studying at the University of Liberal Arts for your final year.” He wagged some papers that he had just fished out of his jacket.

Jihoon couldn’t believe his eyes when he snatched the papers and read them. He really was no longer a student here and that was impossible. Seungcheol had made a name in the publishing business, but no matter what his connections were, he couldn’t do that. Irritated, Jihoon kept walking till he had reached the huge fountain before the gate.

“Why are you so adamant on bringing me back?” Jihoon asked, exasperated but not letting it show.

“Because you’re so adamant on not going back. Avoiding something, someone for sure.” He said easily, cracking his knuckles then shoulders.

“The memories, yes. I’m a coward. Do you have something else to add?” He didn’t get it, Seungcheol himself no longer lived ‘back home’. After his original departure, saying it was for two years, Seungcheol had got another contract for another three.

What good did it serve to be alone with the man he hated most in his life?

“Because mother died. Four hours ago.” He let that sink, Jihoon knew it wasn’t the end of it.

Honestly, he felt nothing. His mother was like a phantom to him, someone who was absently present. He could hardly register compassion for people he knew, it was even worse with those he didn’t.

“And he’s leaving after the funeral, which is early tomorrow morning. For good.” Seungcheol shrugged. Jihoon could see he was dejected, after all, Seungcheol was the only one of them who witnessed the good days; their mother wasn’t a stranger to him.

“Plus, I’m paying for your tuitions and this Uni is shitty. The other one is much better, it’ll broaden your horizon and your degree will be much appealing.” His hands went to his jacket inside pocket again then he handed Jihoon an envelope. “I’ll be attending the funeral, staying for the night but the following day, I’ll be off to work.”

“As if it’d matter,” Jihoon muttered under his breath.

Seungcheol was silent for a while. Jihoon could feel Seungcheol's eyes on his face but he wouldn’t match his stare. “I’m dropping by after a few days tho, you know, I’m your guardian angel.” He chuckled a bit at that.

“Hyung, you have basically shoved me in front of a cannon and told me I have two seconds to run. You had no right to do this.” Jihoon argued.

“Oh, please, don’t go all moral on me.” Seungcheol said with a smile. “There’s nothing tying you down here. At least you have Wonho back home.” Seungcheol was already leaving.

_More of a reason not to go there._

“What if I refuse?” He shouted after his brother, holding the envelope up.

“You won’t.” There was no laughter this time and Seungcheol was already getting in his car. Leaving Jihoon standing alone with the plane ticket wondering which type of anger he should allow to surface. The plane was dated April 23rd, 10 P.M. It gave him three hours.

_So it’s that time of year._

He sighed.

Seungcheol’s car was already diminishing to a tiny black spot.

A hand rested on his shoulder, he knew the gesture by heart.

“Was that the blockbuster writer?” Chan asked.

“Yea…” Jihoon replied, not looking at Chan. The envelope was taken from his hand.

“Why was he talking to _you_?”

Chan’s tone sounded condescending as he mused over the content of the envelope. No one knew Seungcheol the writer as Choi Seungcheol; Jihoon’s brother. He was thankful for that, it made him stay away from the spotlight.

“You’re asking a lot of questions tonight.” Jihoon looked him meaningfully in the eye. Chan clicked his tongue, dissatisfied.

“Actually, why’s that a one way ticket?” He asked, his tone different from that a few seconds ago. Jihoon snatched the ticket back and started heading for the gate.

“Because I’m leaving.” Jihoon answered simply.

****

****

It was sometime before dawn.

Soonyoung felt lightheaded as he tiptoed around, silently sneaking out of the house, his shoes in hand and phone in mouth. When he was at the fence, a voice startled him. He knew he shouldn’t have drunk so much, he was beginning to imagine things.

He quickly put on his shoes and started walking. By the time he was rounding his third corner, he had seen someone he wished he didn’t see back then.

He turned his back, ready to go the other direction, but when he was called out to, he rolled his eyes and turned back.

“Up so early, Soonyoung?” his companion asked.

Soonyoung smiled politely at Seokmin. Even if they were friends, seeing the latter back then wasn’t something he was dying for. “Ah, yes.” He lied.

They began walking, he could feel Seokmin’s skeptic eyes on his face. He heard a snicker, he closed his eyes and clenched his teeth then shook his head.

“You’re doing your walk of shame!” Seokmin declared. “Those are the exact clothes you wore at the party we threw you last night.”

“Got me.”

Seokmin laughed and clapped Soonyoung on the back.

“Well, our little club would buy you coffee before you go to Uni. You’ve an early lecture, right?” Seokmin asked.

“Yes. And you and what club, Seokmin?” Soonyoung asked with a smile, picking up the pace, they were almost there.

He laughed. “The Walk of Shame Club, dear Soonyoung, it was a party yesterday and we _all_ have classes.”

It was Soonyoung's turn to laugh this time, it hurt a bit in spite of the pain in head but totally worth it.

 

Their table was at the corner, taken by three people already. They all had coffee in front of them; one of them still pressed his fingers to his temples. Soonyoung smiled to himself, the party _was_ good after all.

“Are any of you planning on actually showing up for the early lecture?” Soonyoung said as he pulled up a chair.

“Sshh,” Jennie said, holding up her hand as if to silence Soonyoung. She was the only girl in that shameful club.

“You should shut up or she will kick your ass,” Minghao spoke. He was in a no better shape than Jennie.

“We’re trying to lighten the mood here, everyone,” Seokmin said, sparing everyone a long glance in the eye as if to make his point clearer.

“Listen, Hoshi, we love you, but you’re the reason we drank so much aka the reason we look like shit right now.” Jennie proceeded.

Then spoke the one who still hasn’t; Seungkwan. “This’s going to be one long day.”

Soonyoung sighed and ordered some breakfast he doubted he could down. They soon engaged in a conversation, everyone was starting to get lively and thirty minutes later the café was roaring with laughter.

“We should hang out when we’re not hung-over,” Jennie laughed, getting comfy in her seat. She was that kind of intimidating girls, the one that could tell toilet jokes yet be domineeringly sassy. “It’s fun how everyone is talking so lightly of things that should have more impact.”

“You know what they say,” Soonyoung sipped at his second cup of coffee, “people would never accept any words coming out of your mouth unless you make it sound like a joke.”

They laughed. “Just leave it to our little writer,” Minghao said, bemused.

“It brings back memories,” Seokmin said, shifting in his chair and hitting Soonyoung lightly on the shoulder, the latter had to put down his cup. “It’s like that camp night four years ago, when we all had to confess our fears in front of Hoseok-ssam.”

Only Seokmin and Soonyoung were laughing this time.

Seungkwan had to interrupt the glee, “Those two can always start laughing and smiling about things that happened back in the time, you should see them in the cafeteria.”

It was true.

“So you’re telling me,” Jennie began, leaning on the table with her hands crossed, “this guy spoke out his fear in front of a group?” She wasn’t the only doubtful one. Soonyoung could even see she was struggling to keep the trace of incredulity from her voice.

“Oh, yea, he did.” Seokmin said assertively, Soonyoung was only smiling at his cup. “I wonder if it changed tho.”

“I think it’ll be really sad, having your fear change. It’s like you got rid of one –which is always temporarily- to have another fear take place. Probably the worst thing in life.” Seungkwan said with a distant expression. They sometimes didn’t know if Seungkwan was pulling their leg or being serious.

“Mine would be failing this year because of the hangovers,” Jennie said jokingly and they all laughed. Someone like Kim Jennie didn’t even have to worry about failing a subject. She was simply that good.

And there was Seokmin meaningfully looking at Soonyoung in spite of the joke.

“The worst thing in life is having your memories connected to someone who is faraway.” Soonyoung said, finishing his coffee and looking up by the time his sentence had been uttered, smiling as he swam in his pool of nostalgia.

They were getting into the teasing; Seokmin was lightly trying to stop them from doing so. It always astonished Soonyoung how Seokmin was always standing up for him contrary to how things were four years ago. What was also as shocking was how little this group knew about the ‘four years ago’.

And it never failed to make Soonyoung increasingly uncomfortable, that ‘four years ago’ comparison.

Soonyoung felt the depth of his words enough to imagine seeing Jihoon walk out of the café. He blinked twice and started shaking his head.

“Is everyone here awake?” Minghao asked.

Soonyoung's comment came out unintentional. “This coffee isn’t working,” he shook his head again but the image still lingered, more vibrant than any night.

They all looked at him with clouded expressions.

“I think I’ll be skipping class today,” he said, already on his feet. “Excuse me.”

“What?” They all exclaimed in sync but only Jennie had added, “Why?”

“I think I’m seeing my memories.” He said and headed for the door.

 

****

****

Seemingly, funerals were just not cut for Lee Jihoon.

It was four hours to midnight and Jihoon still hadn’t once gone home. He knew his father was gone, he got a confirmation text hours ago. Seungcheol had been looking for him since his plane landed but Jihoon knew how to wander. And he was finally going back to the house. He had taken the long pavement all the way up to the faded-blue house, never once did he look at the other side. He paused for a second at the main door, reaching for the spare key under the plant’s pot. And when he entered it was like he had never left.

He felt the lump building up in his throat.

His breath solidified, lodging itself in its root.

Teetering between panic and euphoria, he swallowed it and let his hand screech the wall as he walked up to his old room. It was locked. Both were; his and his sister’s. He unlocked the door to Jungyeon’s room first, switching on the light from where he stood. And all he could see was himself, four years younger, an angry version, a destructive self, holding a baseball bat and letting all his frustration traverse down with each smash. He wished he could smile at his own stupidity, at himself for having experienced one of the most overwhelming emotional-breakdowns back then, but he couldn’t.

He wondered when he could.

_Probably when home feels like home again._

He got out and went to his room, having a small bet with himself that it, too, wouldn’t have any forms of change applied to it. That he would have to clean it up and once again clean his own mess. And he was spot on. He dropped his bag on the floor, his other luggage was downstairs, resting rather uncomfortably by the door.

He walked to the window, looked down then started throwing everything out of the window; calmly dropping down his memories, letting go. He decided to paint the room, he had to feel some form of change else the oppression would never subside. By the time he had dropped all his old stuff –some he felt some reluctance to let go of but eventually did- it had been two hours to midnight. Making one hell of a ruckus so late at night.

_New telescope._

It was on the top of Jihoon’s to-buy list. He considered abandoning the room altogether, staying in the living room or wherever the hell he wanted. He was free, he was alone. He walked again to the window, sitting on the edge of the frame as he stared at the moon.

“And I thought I was seeing a ghost.”

Jihoon didn’t waste a second, he turned his head instantly, hoping it was some kind of an auditory trick.

But no.

He started walking to the door, in order to meet his intruder but he tripped on the blanket that was on the floor and fell down. At least it was the graceful kind of falls.

_Now of all times._

The same extended hand, the familiar _take my hand_ , the one and same heartfelt smile.

“Kwon Soonyoung,” Soonyoung said when Jihoon got to his feet as he took back his hand. “Welcome to the neighbourhood. I live across the street.”

“Very funny.” Jihoon said, a hint of a smirk on his face. He didn’t feel awkward around Soonyoung despite everything, at least he thought he could still act normal around him … and he wondered if that should start worrying him. Things related to Soonyoung eventually became ominously habit-forming.

“I see you’ve not changed in the least.” It was true, Jihoon even kept his hair short and his wardrobe hardly matured.

“Wish I could say the same about you.” Jihoon countered and took off his shoes as he jumped on bed, waiting for Soonyoung's laugh. That day had been nothing but Jihoon testing his memory. He was thinking about what would happen the he would be waiting for said something to take place. And so far nothing, absolutely nothing, he thought would happen didn’t.

It made him smile a bit.

“It must be the glasses,” Soonyoung said, taking them off then taking off the headband and encircling it around his wrist. His hair was probably a bit taller than Jihoon’s hair used to be. Soonyoung himself seemed taller than Jihoon remembered; the height-difference was more pronounced now than ever. “Where’s Seungcheol-hyung?”

Jihoon rolled his eyes. “I thought you had learnt a thing or two about me, seemingly I was wrong.”

“Those aren’t courtesies,” Soonyoung said untiringly.

“The fact you assumed I meant that means the thought crossed your mind … you wouldn’t ask where he was unless you knew.”

Jihoon saw Soonyoung's expression get clouded by disorientation. “I actually haven’t seen him. I only saw you, that’s how I’m here in case you’re wondering.”

Well, that was less complicated.

Jihoon smiled. “Well, I don't know and I don't care where he is,”

“I bet you don’t.” When Jihoon looked at Soonyoung he saw two things, the first was the look you get after you had sarcastically thrown a comment about something you had been bitter about, and the second was the regret nice people felt after realizing they had said something they didn’t want to voice.

Jihoon would have laughed, taunted Soonyoung about becoming mean, but he was genuinely baffled by the comment. He didn’t understand any reason Soonyoung would say something like that.

“What do you mean?” he slowly approached Soonyoung.

Soonyoung was bending down, picking up a book Jihoon still hadn’t thrown out. “Nothing.” He said, his smile seemed unhappy. It was too much pretentious, too.

Jihoon maybe felt a little bad about how he was acting. “He’s somewhere, he’s leaving tonight tho,” he went back to his bed, not bothering with the book Soonyoung had just lifted. He would probably be throwing it away later anyways.

“Can I stay for a while?” Soonyoung asked at last, lifting his eyes from what his hands held.

Something seemed different about Soonyoung. Jihoon shrugged in reply to his former question. Soonyoung pulled the chair by the desk and straddled it. That was the last thing Jihoon saw before slumping his upper part against the mattress once more and studying the ceiling.

“You’re still wearing it.” Jihoon said, not particularly bored by the conversation. “The bracelet.” There was a long silence that Jihoon became curious enough to wish he had stayed facing the door to get a look at Soonyoung.

But he was also glad he couldn’t see him.

“Added a few pendants to it too.” Soonyoung's tone seemed light.

“Like a broken-heart pendant you mean?” Jihoon had outdone himself saying that.

Soonyoung made no reply.

“So, how long are you going to stay?” Soonyoung asked after a long pause.

He rolled his eyes and sat up, looking at Soonyoung as if he were stupid. “Do I look like someone who wants you to be here, Soonyoung?”

Soonyoung smiled that smile he showed when he was a bit hurt. “I see your ice haven’t molten yet either.”

_It’s hardened. No thanks to you._

“Thanks.” He got back to his mattress and shut down his eyes.

“Yea,”

Jihoon eyed him, and yet Soonyoung didn’t move. There was reluctance in his stay but also more reluctance in his leave.

“Aren’t you salty?” Jihoon asked after a minute of silent study of Kwon Soonyoung. He resisted the urge to scratch his neck and look away.

“Why would I?” Soonyoung was smiling.

“You’ve plenty of reasons to, yet you’re still this friendly with me. I've to say, it’s suspicious.” Jihoon was just that shameless.

Soonyoung laughed, it sounded dead to Jihoon. “You couldn’t trust anyone that easily, this shouldn’t surprise me. I see no reason to feel, umm, bitter. Whatever happened years ago doesn’t matter because now we’re here, regardless of our status.”

Jihoon couldn’t help being amused at the unproposed question. And on the face of it, he wasn’t the only one; Soonyoung was in tune with Jihoon’s thoughts, the cousin of a smile tugging at his lips.

“So you don’t hate me?” Jihoon asked, smirking.

Soonyoung didn’t answer immediately, he had looked like someone who was either really discomforted by the talk, or really confident that he could swim against the tide. In their case, the tide was just too strong to oppose.

“Am I making you uncomfortable?” Soonyoung countered. Somehow he had learnt to mimic Jihoon’s smirk in the past few years, that much Jihoon was capable of telling.

But Jihoon wanted to laugh at the statement.

“Do I look uncomfortable?” Jihoon didn’t leave any room for the question-tone in his voice.

Beats of silence and intense mental eye-contact.

“I’ll be off then.” He could hear the chair move.

He waited a bit, debating his words. “Hey!” he called out as he got up, and he was going to meet Soonyoung but he had almost bumped into him in the process of getting up, catching himself the last second. Jihoon muttered something, complaining, then he shifted his eyes back to Soonyoung, who still had the same childish curiosity whenever Jihoon …what?

“So you don’t hate me?” he asked.

“As I said, why would I?” Soonyoung's smile was dead.

“We’re not basically bestfriends now, so…”

“Were we ever?”

The way he so quickly responded to everything scared Jihoon a bit, but his pride wouldn’t let that show. He lifted up his head more highly, coldly looking at Soonyoung. “Okay.”

“Great.” He pressed one last smile and turned around.

Jihoon wouldn’t let himself be concerned with the ‘wrongness’ enshrouding Soonyoung more than a few seconds after that last comment of his.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh, hello there :3


	16. Caelum

 

 

 

Soonyoung sat in the cafeteria alone in a table in the corner; he was working on some article assigned to them. It was the first week at Uni and they were already assigned a lot of work, something told him the professor wasn’t planning on going easy on them this year. He was frantically typing, not even focusing on the music he was playing in the background; it was getting more depressing, not that the atmosphere needed to be more depressing.

Two days ago, he had seen Lee Jihoon on campus. Yesterday, he learnt they shared one class. And that class was today, the one Soonyoung should be getting to in ten minutes.

A pair of lips pecked his cheek. He unplugged the earphones and smiled. He couldn’t forget those lips that soon. “Hey,” he said watching the girl take a seat.

“Hi.” Jihyo said; she had been the last person he had kissed. He was glad they didn’t have sex nonetheless. “You looked stressed, I thought I should cheer you up.”

He closed his laptop’s lid and formed the words in his mind before uttering them. “Yea, it’s been a helluva week, Jihyo.”

She was about to say something when she got distracted, her mouth stopping halfway. She was looking at something behind Soonyoung. “There’s a new one enrolled this year, our class.” She said. Soonyoung could feel his heart sinking and he pressed his lips to a thin line. “He’s kinda hot tho.”

“He’s gay.” Soonyoung said without hesitation. It struck him then that he wasn’t even sure how true that statement was.

“He is?” She gasped. “Wait a second, do you even know him?”

His best way out was to get to class. “No. I don’t.” No eye contact. “I’ve to get to class, see ya!”

He heard her call after him, saying they had the class together but he decided it was best to ignore her.

His laptop almost fell as he marched to class, feeling stupid, feeling sixteen-year-old kind of stupid. If he could, he would have gone to the neighbouring house, asking its resident why on earth he had to choose this university.

He was so out of it that he chose a seat at the middle rows.

And no sooner had he sat down did Jihoon take the seat to his left. It was too late to change seats, Seonsangnim was already there. And two minutes later Seokmin rushed in, late as usual, and took the seat to Soonyoung's right.

“Fill me in,” he whispered as he sat down, “why is Lee Jihoon here, in our Uni?”

Soonyoung didn’t stop taking notes, he shrugged. “I wish I knew.”

“S’up, Seokmin!” Jihoon waved his hand with a smirk.

Seonsangnim shouted for silence. “The new kid at the back!” He said. Soonyoung felt subtle gratification at that.

“Lee.” Jihoon shouted, half-smiling.

“Despite not knowing why you’re taking _my_ writing class even tho it’s not your field, I’ll have to ask you to graciously stop making so much noise. Pardon me if I were disturbing you.” He was flashing the annoyed-teacher smile. A smile they probably taught you prior to becoming a teacher.

Seokmin was already snickering. Soonyoung would have laughed but it was best not to get on Jihoon’s nerves.

“Fine.”

Heechul-ssam was known for how much he hated indiscipline, of course he wouldn’t let that slide. He, more than on one occasion, made a student feel humiliated after responding rudely to him. “What are you even doing here?”

Jihoon popped out his cheek. “Oh, isn’t it obvious? Making out with _Hoshi_.”

While everyone laughed and Jihoon smirked and Seonsangnim fumed, Soonyoung wanted to bang his head against a wall. Under normal circumstances, Jihoon should have been kicked out, but Heechul-ssam had his own ways of discipline.

“Make sure to get your three assignments from me on your way out. I need them done by the day after tomorrow.” He said without a smile, which brought up Soonyoung's own.

_Sweet revenge._

“And this class is taking another assignment.” He added, when the complaints aroused, Seonsangnim spoke again. “More noise now or from anyone while I teach and you all get four assignments.” He paused for a second. “If you’ve any complaints, take it out with Lee.”

Soonyoung glared at Jihoon; the latter pretty much looked indifferent, maybe even slightly amused.

“He’s here for one day,” Seokmin began, impatiently tapping his finger against the arm of his seat. “One fucking day and he’s already causing us trouble.” Soonyoung quickly motioned for him to hush. He didn’t even get why Seokmin was so hostile against Jihoon, they had been fine before Jihoon left. At least that was what he thought.

During the whole three hours of the lecture, only Seonsangnim’s voice was heard, along with Jihoon’s occasional yawns. The class emptied and he waited for Jihoon to leave first, ignoring Seokmin who had asked him to leave and when he refused, Seokmin had left without him.

He watched them talking; the smirk on Jihoon’s face never faltered, all the way till Seonsangnim finished giving him an after-lecture-lecture. Jihoon didn’t leave even after Seonsangnim clearly dismissed him. Soonyoung had to get out, maybe he could pretend Jihoon didn’t exist. When he gathered his things and started to leave, Jihoon was out of sight.

That was a relief.

He sat down somewhere peaceful. To Soonyoung, peaceful meant ‘free of Jihoon’. He kept typing for half an hour and when he looked up, studying his surrounding the way he usually did after getting wrapped up in his thoughts for a while, he saw that campus wasn’t as empty. And it was as if his eyes never forgot how to detect _him_ in a crowd, they found their way to Jihoon. Jihoon who happened to not be alone. It was Jihyo. Jennie too.

Jihoon saw him and waved, causing their group of three to follow suit. They were already heading his direction.

Soonyoung just face-palmed.

“Heard you called me gay,” Jihoon said with a smile, overshadowing Soonyoung as he stood looking down at him.

“Jerk.” It was Jennie, then she addressed Jihoon, “Never mind him, he’s always been like that. You’ll get used to it.”

Jihoon smirked and Soonyoung was oblivious to the reason why; on the contrary, he found it rather confusing. Jihyo was laughing, she had those dreamy eyes as she looked at Jihoon, the same eyes she had when she looked at him.

“Yea, sorry about that.”

“He gave me three huge-assed novels, I don’t think I’ll do them, Soonyoung.” Jihoon said, brushing something off his pants.

“Soonyoung?” Jennie inquired. Jihoon just looked at her.

Another question came from Jihyo, “You don’t use ‘Hoshi’?”

It was as if the two girls were making a joke, Soonyoung and Jihoon started laughing, each stopping halfway when he realized the other was too.

“I hardly know the guy,” Jihoon stressed the words, “I just felt like teasing him, but he’s no fun.”

Soonyoung didn’t know which he couldn’t believe more, the fact he had just denied their past or how easily both of the girls bought Jihoon’s words. He felt like he needed a walk, one without a direction. So he got up, grabbing Jihoon’s hand and consequently his whole body with him as he passed the girls by without a goodbye.

“Oh, he probably wants to make out again,” Jihoon joked with a louder tone as he was being dragged. Soonyoung felt a poisonous smile spreading across his face.

He let go of Jihoon’s arm, knowing he would be walking next to him. He didn’t stop until they were in a fairly less crowded area on campus. He aggressively turned to Jihoon and said, “What’s it that you want, Jihoon?”

“Have I done something wrong?” Jihoon asked, looking at the butterfly that landed on his shoulder.

Soonyoung felt his anger building up. He took a deep breath. “Don’t play mind games with me, I’m not a toy.”

“Ahhh,” Jihoon said, smiling literally from ear to ear, “almost forgot you are a broken toy now.” It was really cold despite the smile.

Soonyoung would have told him he was one to talk but decided to act sensible; probably wouldn’t be able to keep the act for long. His rationality always got washed away the second he saw Jihoon.

“Listen, you can do whatever you want as long as you don’t mess up my life.”

Jihoon put on a thoughtful face and Soonyoung knew he was already at it again. “But that was my one and only goal in life.” He wished he had a way of confirming if Jihoon was really not joking.

Soonyoung took a stride forward, it seemed ridiculous given Jihoon didn’t grow any taller; there was a fair inch or two between them now. “Does it amuse you so much? Pushing everything to the limit?”

And the old Jihoon was back, only for the briefest second. “It was a mutual fault.” Then he smiled impishly, the _new_ Jihoon, “You said you loved me.” He was giving Soonyoung his back already. Of course he would avoid answering that specific question.

Soonyoung didn’t have to think twice.

“Past tense, I couldn’t care less now.”

Jihoon sneered. “Yea, right.”

It was enough to set Soonyoung off. It felt like the slightest thing could set him off, as though he waited for the smallest mistake so he could snap at Jihoon; so he could tell Jihoon how he truly felt and how truly he still felt. It wasn’t always all sweet and fluff and precious positive feelings; if anything, the word ‘bittersweet’ was the perfect description to how their ‘relation’ went.

“ _You_ left me, Jihoon.” He shouted after him, a few heads turned his direction, Jihoon’s was one of them. He walked to him, partly to lower down his voice and partly to calm down. “It was _you_ who walked out on me and not the other way around. _You_ broke our promise.”

Jihoon wasn’t smiling anymore, ironically, Soonyoung felt relieved; he felt some sort of familiarity within his cold look. “I left a guy who cared,” he said, ice-cold. “Now whenever I look into your eyes now I see nothing, almost as bad as looking at clear water.”

And Soonyoung was electrified. He didn’t expect that underblow and he didn’t see it coming. And he didn’t know how Jihoon got that impression.

He was reliving his past again, he was back at the drawing board and Jihoon was once again the secret hand controlling the cards and the board. Jihoon always walked out on him.

It wasn’t a question of whether or not he loved Jihoon. Nor was it about why he had walked away. It was about whether what Jihoon had told him the day he left had been true, whether he had really meant it or he was simply hurt.

Even then, it took Soonyoung a while to decide if he really wanted that kind of relation; if he was really willing to go through it again.

He started looking for his dormant feelings for Jihoon, he had to go deep, deep down in his heart.

And still…

 

 

 

****

****

Sometimes Jihoon contemplated his life, the way it had turned out, the choices he had made.

And right now, he was looking at what might have been the one and only bad choice he had made. Lee Chan.

He had been staring at Chan for over a minute now. Chan was sitting on the front steps to his house, smiling as he sat on a big hand-bag. Albeit Jihoon had left without an early notice, without even saying goodbye to anyone, it wasn’t like he were big on goodbyes … or people.

“Aren’t you going to let me in?” Chan said at last.

“You’re blocking the door.” Jihoon said, getting out his keys. “I don’t remember inviting you either.”

He laughed.

_Of course he would laugh._

“I was lonely actually.” When Jihoon gave him a side-glance he realized Chan was pouting.

He didn’t talk till he reached his bedroom, realizing Chan still hadn’t left him alone.

“Are you having fun at college?” He asked, already touching Jihoon’s stuff as he closed the door behind him.

“More fun than that I have in your company.” Jihoon smiled and took the book Chan was checking. “Don’t touch my possessions.”

“Can I touch the owner?” He asked playfully.

Jihoon glared at him and turned to change his clothes. Subtly sending a text as he took off his shirt.

“Come on, let’s play for a while, it’s been a while.” Chan’s hand were already on Jihoon’s body.

He sighed. “At least let me change my clothes.”

Chan pouted again as he threw himself on the bed. “What’s the point, they’re soon going to be taken off anyways.”

Jihoon hoped the text was being read and put into action. He sat on bed, then he put his legs on the bed after motioning for Chan to move away. He thought Chan must be really stupid because he thought Jihoon was telling him to make space in preparation for the thing he wanted and not because Jihoon would sell him for a potato chip to Satan if he could. But unfortunately, things didn’t always go the way he wanted them to.

After a few pouts and grunts, Chan was on top of Jihoon. Jihoon who was glad the pillows behind him didn’t allow him to be pushed back, but it didn’t prevent Chan’s hand from reaching under his shirt.

He could hear some noise.

His shirt was being thrown on what should have been the floor, but was now the pillows.

He kissed Chan back, the guy at least knew how to kiss. And it had been casual for a while now.

“Jihoon,”

Jihoon smirked and pulled away from the kisses; however, he didn’t have enough time to push Chan –who reacted slowly to the voice calling- away. By the time Chan’s eyes were open, Soonyoung had been standing at the doorframe, his eyes narrowing in confusion.

“Oh.” He said.

Jihoon almost laughed. Soonyoung had the same reaction as his brother years ago. He didn’t let the laugh out when he remembered where they stood now.

“I’ll come by some other time then.” Soonyoung said, already turning and leaving; expression no longer as readable.

Chan was on his feet as well. “Soonyoung-sunbae, is that you?” he asked then shifted his eyes to Jihoon who was putting on his shirt again.

Soonyoung's politeness condemned him to answering when addressed. He got back in the room and smiled. “Hi.”

“If I were you, I’d leave,” Jihoon began, words directed at Chan as he started grabbing his bag and turning to face Soonyoung. “We have a project due tomorrow, I’ll be staying outdoors.” He saw no point in mentioning he was staying across the street.

“But-” Chan objected. But Jihoon was already out of the room. And soon out of the house.

 

“That was really rude.” Soonyoung said as they crossed the street.

“Never mind that, he’s used to it.” Jihoon brushed off the subject.

“But that doesn’t make it any less rude, Jihoon.”

Jihoon rolled his eyes and waited for Soonyoung to open the door, the latter was just getting back from Uni when he so rudely intruded in his room.

“And you should start explaining what happened.” Soonyoung said as they took off their shoes.

“Just what it looks like, we were about to have s-” Jihoon was explaining but Soonyoung interjected,

“I don't care about that, I meant the text.” He crossed his arms, clearly awaiting a reply.

Jihoon turned around and invited himself in and all the way to Soonyoung's room. The text was to be read by Soonyoung, asking him to get him a certain paper for tomorrow’s lecture. A back-up plan Jihoon had devised for days like that. He had put his file in Soonyoung's bag days ago, noticing how he always used the same one. He knew that even if Soonyoung noticed the file he wouldn’t return it to him. So when he had to play the SOS card, Soonyoung would help him.

“What was the cry-wolf thing?” Soonyoung asked.

“Nothing.” Jihoon shrugged, sitting on Soonyoung's bed. “I really needed to get away from him. I left college there happy while knowing I wouldn’t be seeing him again.”

Soonyoung looked skeptic, he had the right to.

“You hooked up with Lee Chan?” if Jihoon hadn’t known Soonyoung, he would have mistaken that for revulsion.

“You remember the name, impressive.” He was smirking without knowing he was.

Soonyoung sighed and straddled a chair, clearly avoiding being physically close with Jihoon.

They didn’t speak for a while.

Jihoon contemplated telling him it was just sex but it would probably disgust him further. “We’re not dating you know.”

Soonyoung smiled, it was fake. “I didn’t ask.”

“Then why did you come?” Jihoon challenged.

It was instantaneous. “Because I'm still clinging to the ghost of you.” He laughed a bit at that.

Jihoon didn’t find the humour in Soonyoung's in joke. He sighed and fell down on the bed, using his hand as a pillow while his legs dangled down, touching the floor. He stared at the ceiling but after realizing it brought back too many memories he looked to his right, accidently seeing what must be Soonyoung's precious shelf.

He got up, feeling Soonyoung's eyes on him. He reached for a box on the shelf, hearing Soonyoung clear his throat.

“You’ve not thrown this out?” Jihoon asked, trying to feel the nonchalance present in his voice deep in his heart.

Soonyoung seemed to be blushing as he avoided meeting Jihoon’s eyes. “Naaah. I couldn’t.”

“You don’t usually keep a returned item from someone who told you they hate you, Soonyoung.” Jihoon reasoned.

“It’s a reminder.” Soonyoung said and looked at Jihoon. “I can't throw something that belonged to someone I once loved.”

_Once loved, I see._

Jihoon set it down. The shelf had some books, some poetry -obviously Soonyoung's favourites because they weren’t that many-, a cellphone box and another of a laptop.

“Those too,” Jihoon pointed to the other two boxes, “are they reminders as well?”

Soonyoung laughed, he was stressed, and Jihoon thought it was aggravatingly cute. Regardless, it amused him.

“Yes, they are. Jihoon, what is it that you want?” he asked as he slipped between the shelf and Jihoon.

But it was too late, Jihoon had already seen something that triggered his curiosity.

He gambled. “I wouldn’t bear seeing the snow globe’s shape and yet keep it-” he was about to proceed when Soonyoung took the bait.

“Nice try, but the snow-globe is perfectly intact.” Soonyoung said with his lips’ end tugging upward. Jihoon liked this smile most of all Soonyoung's smiles. It was the one he smiled when he was being caught off guard, the innocent one. Almost as good as the genuine.

“So you did look inside, how endearing,” Jihoon taunted.

“Shut up, I only did the day I found it. I didn’t even take it out of the box and there it had been lying ever since.” Soonyoung was smiling but when Jihoon turned to him his smiled washed away.

Jihoon shrugged. “Can I stay over?” he asked after a while of idle yet meaningful staring.

“What? No way!” Soonyoung said defensively.

“Is there anything you're ashamed of?” Jihoon loved teasing Soonyoung, a habit that hadn’t died yet.

“What? No, nothing!”

Jihoon laughed. “Double negative.” He flung himself into the bed again, getting comfy as he took off his shoes. “Please,” he said in a softer tone. “He wouldn’t go away otherwise, spare me the unnecessary interactions with people I don’t want to deal with.”

“As if you want to deal with me.” Soonyoung scoffed, sighing, he was obviously giving in. “Fine, I’ll sleep in Cheonsa’s room then.”

Jihoon lifted his body briefly to speak. “Uh-uh, we’re sharing, I’m feeling a little nostalgic.” He was smirking when Soonyoung's expression changed, about to refuse. “I thought grown-up Soonyoung could handle a guy he was indifferent about being in his bed.”

Soonyoung sighed and said. “Whatever, just don’t pull any more witty tricks.”

_No promises._

 

**  
**

 

****

****

****

Soonyoung had a hard time sleeping.

Being in the same bed together again while ensuring he wasn’t touching Jihoon proved to be harder than he thought. He blew some air in Jihoon’s ear, when Jihoon didn’t react he was confident he had been sleeping. He slipped out of bed and went to the shelf, grabbing the two boxes and a book while tiptoeing around. And then he got out, heading down to the kitchen.

His old phone and his old laptop.

Both that contained incriminating evidence of his past love.

He opened his phone first, reading the mail Jungyeon had sent him the day they broke up. ‘ _Please don’t hurt him as well_ ’ it had read. He smiled to himself, whenever he felt too weak, he would just have to reread the mail, to remember his promise to her.

Till that very day, he had questioned the credibility in Jihoon’s last _I hate you,_ and the way he was acting now proved it was a bluff; one that Soonyoung had so foolishly called.

But what he never once questioned was the note stuck to the snow-globe. Jihoon was in the right telling him how he couldn’t forgive him. And whenever he remembered that, he was able to recall memories of Jungyeon that warmed his cold insides, even if it made him dejected.

He stared at his laptop in its box, the box that never once got the chance to accumulate dust. Soonyoung more than once read the old entries he had written after Jihoon had been gone. He was glad Jihoon never saw the journal that lied between his books, because that was where his heart lied.

He didn’t know how long he had been lost in thought. But he felt a hand rest on his waist, the hand soon slipped, glided more likely, against his abdomen till it settled approximately above his navel.

Soonyoung sucked some breath in before he knew it would be soon knocked out, the touch threw some life in him at night as tingles shot across his skin.

And a pair of lips peripherally brushed his. He never once forgot the feeling, or their owner.

He found himself not questioning any of what was happening, he only leaned in to kiss Jihoon. And no sooner, it had become more than mere lips-brushing. Soonyoung lifted Jihoon up, setting him on the table and Jihoon’s hand encircled Soonyoung’s neck as they kissed, his legs slightly parting; letting Soonyoung stick to the table.

Jihoon pulled back, even in the dark he could see the divine orbs. He was chuckling.

“What was that for?” Soonyoung asked, breathless.

“I was seeing how much you’re not into me.” Jihoon gave him a lopsided grin.

“Asshole.” Soonyoung said it half meaning it and he gave Jihoon his back, trying to think clearly. After a while he added, surprising himself halfway, “We can start over,”

Jihoon laughed loudly. Soonyoung almost regretted saying that. “You don’t trust me enough for that.”

Deep down, Soonyoung knew how true that statement was. But he failed to tell what it entailed.

“Is it really me who can't trust the people around me?” It was also what Soonyoung believed.

There was a pause.

A small part of Soonyoung was relieved his earlier proposition was dismissed as a joke. Soonyoung didn’t know what he wanted but he knew what he wanted was very strongly linked to Jihoon. He had waited four years ago, he could wait again.

“I just love seeing you get flustered.” Jihoon chuckled again. Soonyoung heard a small thud. When he spoke again his voice was getting further, obviously retreating to the bedroom. “But you keep not being into me and our relation would peak.” He whistled.

Soonyoung was surprised to find himself smiling.

At least he had kissed him after so long. It probably undermined the meaning to a kiss, especially how Soonyoung thought a kiss was the most divine form of showing love; one that even making love couldn’t surpass. It was something he used to do because words couldn’t minutely express how he felt about the other person anymore.

But somehow during the last few years, he had become one of the world’s most accomplished casual kissers.

Probably because he had only kissed Jihoon in _that_ way.

_But in the end, you never gave me your answer, did you, Jihoon?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, if you're wondering where tf I'm going with this then let me assure you, nowhere :") jk, the reason I wrote this story is yet to come  
> at least they're short chapters now, bless


	17. Draco

 

 

 

Suppose you owned a big house with no one in it but yourself and your favourite stuff, and you were someone who savoured the pleasurable taste of solitude, what could be the only thing that drove you out of the house?

Jihoon’s answer lied somewhere between a dead sister and inescapably painful memories.

And a mask that wouldn’t yet fall even when the masquerade was nearing its end.

He felt the loneliness one undergone when someone they got used to was no longer around; but Chan’s absence did give him some peace of mind. He couldn’t even go to his special spot in the woods, knowing it was a burnt card in case Soonyoung ever wanted to ambush him.

_Stupid, don’t get all so self-important._

It was true; even after all those years, parts of Soonyoung remained a complete enigma to Jihoon. When anyone is told by someone they care, nay, cared about that they hated them, said person should be able to develop some form of malice or hatred towards the party in question. And it wasn’t like he was cutting Soonyoung any slack, he was basically torturing the guy.

 _Misery looooves company._ He could hear himself humming the tune in his mind.

Some things never changed no matter how much time passed, but others, no number of decades would be able to rectify. One of them was Jihoon’s infatuation with nighttime.

He was lying on the table near the open basketball court as he played with his PSP. Fooling himself by pretending the game was the only thing he concentrated on, at least not in the past five minutes; he could feel another’s presence –a distinguishable scent.

“You just can't get enough of me, can you?” he asked without looking up.

He laughed. “I should probably tell my shrink I’m undergoing Stockholm syndrome.”

Jihoon threw an amused glance at Soonyoung who was now approaching him. He sat up, tucking his legs underneath him. Soonyoung already had the ball in his hands, spinning it.

“You’re seeing a shrink? Didn’t know I caused you so much damage.” Jihoon would be lying if he said he didn’t intend for his words to hurt Soonyoung. He could see the flash of pain behind Soonyoung's eyes and his recovery wasn’t quick.

“I’m not, not in the past year and a half at least.” He paused. “But now that you’re here I think I’ll start my visits soon.”

He jumped off the table, walking towards Soonyoung and taking the ball from his hands; he dribbled it as he ran and threw it at the hook.

And he scored.

“It doesn’t remind you of anything?” He asked from over his shoulder.

“When I first met you,” he could hear Soonyoung's voice drawing nearer as he spoke, already ignoring his former question. “I couldn’t help but thinking of us in the future, doing a _two years from now_ in my head and feeling happy about it.”

Jihoon sighed.

Soonyoung was by his side, he felt the latter’s eyes boring into him. “But now, all I can do is do _four years ago_ and feel the sadness the memories cause.”

Another sigh. He turned to Soonyoung, holding the ball between both of their chests. “What about a game? For old days’ sake?”

Soonyoung's answer came in pulling the ball out of Jihoon’s hand and drawing back, already dribbling.

Jihoon was already on defense, too late to save the shot. When Soonyoung scored and smiled a bit; Jihoon took off his jacket.

“What’re you doing?” Soonyoung asked cautiously.

“Strip basketball.” Jihoon was already halfway cutting the ball from Soonyoung, betting himself he was laughing.

“Almost forgot the kind of games _you_ played.”

Jihoon wasn’t sure which had caused his smile, the familiarity in Soonyoung's words or the acknowledgement of some parts of his personality. Whichever it was, it broadened his smile when he went past Soonyoung and the ball was hitting the ground after having scored. He held it up, looking at Soonyoung who looked back at him, poor guy only wore a T-shirt. Jihoon shrugged as Soonyoung sighed. He was about to take off his rubber-band when Jihoon said, “Uh-uh. Big things go down first.”

Their game didn’t last as long as Jihoon expected it to, it was dying within a twenty-minute duration.

And both were standing in their shoes and underpants; fairly worn out.

“Okay, you win.” Soonyoung said, leaning down, catching his breath. “You had less to take off, I don’t intend on stripping anymore.”

Jihoon pondered for a second, then he leaned down to get his phone from his jacket. “Just when we were getting to the fun part.” Before Soonyoung could react, Jihoon had already snapped the picture. “I wonder what would happen if a pic of our little writer here went viral on campus,” he bit his lips, amused.

Soonyoung seemed unfazed. “You wouldn’t do it.”

“How sure are you?” Jihoon challenged.

“Sure enough.”

“Enough to risk something like that? I must say I’m impressed.”

“You wouldn’t do anything that extreme.”

“Your extreme is not my extreme, Soonyoung.” Jihoon was still amused, even when he was already in his pants while Soonyoung hadn’t moved an inch.

“What? You're not going to say something along the lines that you know me or something as cheesy, writer-nim?” Jihoon tossed Soonyoung his pants first.

He caught them but wouldn’t yet put them on, he only stared at Jihoon. “I’m not so sure about that anymore.”

In Jihoon’s mind, he was lifting an eyebrow.

In reality he was only putting on his T-shirt. “Shouldn’t you be worried about the picture? You look real, hmm, how do I put it, help me out here, writer-nim.”

“What’s it you’ve against me being a writer,” Soonyoung derided and Jihoon had to look, “If my brain isn’t yet suffering from dementia, you’d have killed me if I hadn’t become a writer.”

Jihoon was ice-cold. “Sorry, I’m prejudiced against writers in general.”

“Right.” Soonyoung was being sarcastic. Jihoon tried to recall any past occasion Soonyoung ever became sarcastic at.

“Aren’t you seeing someone?” Jihoon asked, watching Soonyoung get in his pants.

Soonyoung walked to him and snatched his shirt. “I’d tell you so you’d start trying to sabotage that as well?”

Jihoon smirked. “Nice, so you figured that much already.”

“So this’s how it’s going to be? Your new game is sabotaging me, ruining my life?” Soonyoung asked sharply.

Jihoon was silent, all the responses he could come up with seemed hurtful.

But why did he care?

“I did it once, I can do it again.” He said simply, maybe he could regret his words at some point in the future.

_For every word that caused you to cry._

Soonyoung seemed pissed off, Jihoon could hear his angry heavy breathing all the way from where he stood. Soonyoung started walking back to him, fully clothed. “I won’t be your companion, Jihoon, just because you’re suffering I have to suffer.” He imparted, succeeding so little at concealing his rage.

“I’d tell you the same thing I said four years ago, it’s probably the only thing I owe you-”

He was interrupted by Soonyoung's cynical laugh, “Ohh, you owe me a lot more than that, _love._ ”

Jihoon stared on for a second. “Just take my advice this time, walk away while you still can; cut down your losses.”

“Just because you didn’t take your own advice you should throw it on someone else, it’s really shitty.” Soonyoung was calming down again.

Jihoon just smiled, he saw the realization in Soonyoung's eyes after he had already verbalized the words. Jihoon _did_ walk away. But if you apply the rule thoroughly, it wasn’t really much in Jihoon’s favour.

He would have asked Soonyoung a crucial question, but he cowered out eventually. And he was seeing Soonyoung leave, this couldn’t be the end of discussion, as far as the word discussion could go with what was happening; that was madness. “Then why are you staying? Why are you here?”

_Why are you always here…_

Soonyoung laughed, it sounded genuine. He spoke from over his shoulder. “Because madness calls it forth.”

And the misery-loves-company tune was still being hummed in Jihoon’s mind. His devil was singing it amusedly as Jihoon himself pretended his other devil, the good one, never existed.

 

 

 

 

 

Four years ago, maybe even three, Soonyoung wouldn’t have been able to pull it off. Playing along with Jihoon in his twisted game. It meant stooping over a lot of people’s feelings, his own included. But he who wanted to play should never dare complain. The rules were nonexistent, which meant everything was acceptable. And the harder you pushed anything, the harder the reaction, the harder it pushed back.

If Jihoon was with him in the room, he would have told him those were physics’ basics.

And both of them were playing games now.

“I’m not going to take this any longer.”

Soonyoung was awoken up from his reverie. He looked at Seokmin’s angry eyes.

“Maybe we should do the assignment some other time then?” he wasn’t entirely sure why Seokmin was angry but moral of the story he was. At those times, the reason didn’t matter as much as the outcome.

“Would you pipe down a bit?” Jennie was their third companion.

Seokmin was gathering his stuff. “Yea, I’m leaving anyways.”

Soonyoung was digesting a lot of stuff to react in time; before Seokmin left the library.

“What’s wrong with him?” Soonyoung asked, incredulous.

“What’s wrong with _you_?” Jennie shot back. She looked up from her papers. “He had been talking to you for a while and you were out of it. Before that, your answers seemed distant and on the whole you’re just rude.”

“It’s rude to call someone rude.”

“It’s even ruder to avoid the blame by throwing it on someone else. Get back to your papers, I don't care about your problems.” She was already back to her writing.

Again, Soonyoung couldn’t believe his eyes. He kept staring at Jennie for over a minute.

“Fine, I give up.” She said, closing her sketch and lacing her fingers together as she looked at Soonyoung. “Start from highschool.”

Soonyoung's eye narrowed, “Why’re you assuming it’s something to do with him?”

Only after Jennie’s eyes sparked and she smiled down did he realize it was a mistake to say that. “I neither said so nor implied it, but you just said it’s something related to _him_.” Jennie reminded him of a certain someone and he felt cozy on the inside. “Plus, it’s something recent … weren’t you going out with Jihyo? She’s into Lee now while he doesn’t even seem interested in her.” She paused to study Soonyoung's expression, he had to look away.

“She’s slipping away from your hands.”

And _she_ was playing a low game. “I never dated her,” Soonyoung began, rolling his eyes. He spoke again to save himself the argument. “I’m gay, Jennie.”

“Oh.” She said and scratched her neck, Soonyoung shook his head. “Oh.” She was bound to recover.

“Yea. Oh.” Soonyoung bit his tongue.

“What kind of games are you guys playing?” She asked after a third-oh, already moving past that.

“Why are you always assuming stuff?”

“You’re the one who wanted to talk, Hoshi, not me.” She had a very legitimate argument there.

“I don't know, you saw the guy,” he had a sudden idea as he said that. “Actually, what do you think of him?”

She shrugged. “He doesn’t seem like someone you would invest much in.”

Soonyoung sneered, it was a knee-jerk reaction.

She laughed. “Guess I can be wrong sometimes. I heard Seokmin saying something about him leaving after the graduation, he was the brother of his ex, so…”

Soonyoung was shocked. “Seokmin said nothing else?”

She played along. “Is there more to the story.”

 _Well, yea,_ the _story maybe?_

“Go on, I’m dying to hear the end of it.” He wasn’t being sarcastic. Her expression held a question. “Don’t ask, just believe me when I tell you I see you guys as if you were cut from the same cloth.” He smiled to himself.

“I think I should be offended,”

“You don’t like him?” Soonyoung asked, trying to sound indifferent.

“Your taking this comment personally is a reason I should start not liking him.” Indifference was just not his thing. “I’m not someone who would play around with people’s feelings.”

_Right on the nail’s head._

“I don’t think he’s a bad person, I’m actually quite convinced so. Since you don’t hate him and you obviously care.” She was stating facts.

_Yep, indifference is just not my thing._

“Look, Hoshi, I’ll cut this short. I’ve known you since our first year here, and I couldn’t stand your guts back then. You were an asshole who seemed to be wallowing in self-pity and you seemed extremely condescending more often than not. But you always got higher grades than me in writing class, I had to read something you wrote and frankly speaking I _was_ impressed. One is at one’s writing peak when they’re falling in love or falling apart, yea? I thought you were just going through one of those phases. For my ego’s sake I had to convince myself you were either breaking down or just in love.” She paused, taking her breath. Soonyoung tried to keep his expression neutral but time proved it was impossible. She seemed to be commiserating him, something you didn’t find her doing every day.

“But you got lively, showing your true colours. I thought someone like you could love no one, you didn’t last long in relations either, so I just knew for a fact you were an asshole by exceptional properties. I thought you’re one of those bigshots who took everything for granted…”

“Thought?”

“Yes.” She said without a single doubt. “I got the misfortune of meeting and having come to know you somehow personally. Moreover, I see the way-” she was the one who looked away this time. Jennie wasn’t one to avoid saying something either, no matter how crude it sounded. She would always tell someone the blank-facts, in an unintentional bunt way. She wasn’t someone Soonyoung could be friends with easily. “Moreover, that Lee guy is here, he must have affected you and now you just seem softer; seem truer to yourself even though sometimes I think you’re putting on an act for him. It’s stupid by the way, I’d have been fooled had I not known better.”

He nodded after a while, smiling ruefully as he looked down. “Falling in love or falling apart, you said?” he was only addressing her eyes. “To me, both were the same thing.”

She nodded, processing. “I figured as much. If you cared about someone like him then he, too, must be acting in a somewhat untrue way to himself.”

Soonyoung couldn’t stand the atmosphere. “You should stop quoting your characters so much.” He half-joked.

She hit him not-so-lightly, he recoiled and laughed as she called him an asshole.

“What I mean is, you don’t need _my_ opinion on him; you obviously have yours, more like strongly attached to your former one.” She shrugged, dismissing the conversation.

Soonyoung half-smiled. “You didn’t ask what happened.”

She shrugged again.

“He is just like you!” Soonyoung said loudly, as if he had just proven a point, exulting with victory. A few eyes turned to him but soon looked away. He took on a confidential tone. “You guys should go out.”

“Nice try.” She smirked. “He’s your type not mine, I don’t like picking up stray cats either.”

“I never said we went out.”

She gave him an are-you-shittingly-shitting-me look.

Soonyoung snickered. “No really, I went out with his sister.”

She leaned in on the table, reaching for his hand and pressing it; her expression didn’t hold the warmth her touch held. “You just told me you were gay,”

He had almost forgot that. “I didn’t know back then.”

She pulled back her hand and started shoving her sketches in her satchel. “Forget it, I have an assignment. I’ve wasted so much time talking about your feelings.”

“Go out with him,” Soonyoung said, falling back in his chair. “You can make cute evil inconsiderate selfish children.”

“I hope he was the funny one in your relationship.” She smiled a phony smile.

“Ouch.”

“I’ll make sure I send you some cake to make up for wounding your feelings,” she still kept teasing him even after he told her so much. It was actually a good thing, he talked to her because he hardly knew her and she hardly knew him; in a way. She wouldn’t judge him. She didn’t judge him. “I’m not the person you need to talk to either.”

He stared at her unblinkingly, she hadn’t left despite already having gathered her stuff. She only looked at him, something was amusing her.

“Is something wrong with my face?” he smiled.

She shrugged. “No. I was just wondering what type of guys he must be for you to still like him after getting you stripped down almost butt-naked.”

“The hell!” Soonyoung exclaimed, rising in his seat as she laughed. “So you knew.” Soonyoung felt stupid, the words didn’t deliver the meaning he had wanted them to. Jennie had known all along they were together; she needed none of the things Soonyoung had said and yet she watched him say them and waited for him to come clean.

He almost opened up to her, he was glad he didn’t.

“I didn’t and thanks for confirming it.” She giggled, “He didn’t show it to everyone tho, don’t worry.”

Soonyoung was furious.

“And cute blush,” she said as she leaned in, stroking his chin like a child. She laughed again and waved.

Soonyoung didn’t waste a second longer after Jennie had left the library, he was soon following her lead.

“Shitty Jihoon, shitty stupid asshole,” he began cursing Jihoon loudly as he walked down the hall. “I hate you.”

He heard a loud laugh, it was as if his anger had literally blinded him. “Keep saying that enough times and maybe it’ll start to kick in, ultimately speaking of course.”

It was Jihoon.

Naturally.

“And give you the satisfaction?” Soonyoung smiled after glaring at a staring-dongsaeng. “I don’t think so.”

“Please.” Jihoon said yawning. “You love me.”

Soonyoung leaned in, whispering in Jihoon’s ear. The two actions occurred so quickly Soonyoung wouldn’t have blamed Jihoon had he been taken aback. “I’m over you, have been for years.”

He had the satisfaction of seeing Jihoon’s shocked expression as he pulled back. Soonyoung found his way to his smirk as he walked away to class.

_Sorry to have hurt your pride._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> am I driving at smth or am I bullshitting y'all? guess you'll never know smh


	18. Eridani

 

 

 

Jihoon was kissing Jihyo.

He wasn’t sure how this happened but he knew for sure he had once again bested himself. He knew Soonyoung was watching, or watched, or would be watching; for the latter wasn’t standing too far from where he and Jihyo played house.

Maybe he was in this situation because he saw Soonyoung kissing some guy three nights ago. It was after midnight, in front of Soonyoung's house. When Jihoon thought about it, he realized it was staged for him.

“Maybe I should change my name to Hoshi so you’d pay me some attention at last.” She said when Jihoon broke away.

He probably hated no type of girls more than he hated the likes of Jihyo, but she was at arm’s length. She would have to do.

“Shut up and just kiss me.” He said and was already kissing her again. Even if she objected, her body didn’t resist.

But when they broke away this time she said, “Whatever, both of us are getting what they want so I guess we’re fine.”

Jihoon laughed joylessly. “And what is that I want?”

“You’re kissing me because I’m Hoshi’s girlfriend, right?” her smile seemed strained. He looked over his shoulder and Soonyoung was smiling. It was beyond phony though.

“Ah, you caught me, sorry for that.” He said with a smirk directed at Soonyoung then he got back to Jihyo.

“Never mind, you’re good looking so as I said it’s a win-win-situation.” She smiled and started leaving. Jihoon pushed his hair backwards with both hands and stood with his back against the wall where Jihyo had been not two seconds ago. He saw Soonyoung approaching him.

“Wow, ditching a whole group for one person, for me. I’m flattered.” He said as soon as Soonyoung was standing before him.

“You’ve officially peaked as an asshole.” Soonyoung said with the I-want-to-annoy-you-smile.

“What are you doing here?” Jihoon asked, amused still.

“I was talking about how things came apart,” Soonyoung's smile turned genuine, the dreamy nostalgic smile he always wore. “And I almost mentioned your name.”

Jihoon looked at him blankly.

Soonyoung laughed. “Be a good sport, only losers sulk.”

“Explains why you’re always sulking.” Jihoon said, replicating the annoying smile. He started walking, it was about time he went home.

Obviously Soonyoung was tagging along.

“You’re a sore loser, you know that?” Soonyoung said, the amiable air about him never faltered. “You don’t care when you step over my feelings and start making fun of me. But when I start playing by your rules, you get grumpy.”

“You ruined my assignment!” Jihoon stopped walking and turned to Soonyoung then proceeded walking. “Which, by the way, I’ve to rewrite just because Heechul-ssam wouldn’t believe you’re the devil.”

Another laugh. “Guess I had just been around you for too long, that kind of stuff is catchy.”

“It affects my grades, ass.” In reality, Jihoon couldn’t care less. It only cost him his time, which he hated to be wasted but if he could make Soonyoung feel guilty, he would do whatever it took.

“And you egg-splashed my window.” Soonyoung said, the trace of a smile was unmistakable in his voice.

“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” Jihoon asked, smiling a little himself.

“Guilty.” Soonyoung said and was stopping Jihoon by the shoulder. “Come on it feels like the old days, you’re finally back we can start over as friends.”

Jihoon passed skepticism and was exploring what lied beyond. “I thought you were over me. You should ask your new boyfriend.”

Jihoon didn’t realize his tone was bitter until Soonyoung started laughing.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to kiss him in front of _my_ house, how rude of _me_.” When Jihoon didn’t speak –which required a lot of effort, especially to maintain the status quo- Soonyoung continued, “Was that you were kissing Jihyo? Trying to make me jealous?”

When Jihoon looked up, Soonyoung looked like a pet cat, waiting to be petted.

“You were jealous?” Jihoon said with a smirk.

“Well, it means it was a reaction to me kissing someone else, so it technically means you were jealous first.”

“What a light you’ve just shed. Thanks for opening my eyes.” Jihoon said while his face expressed how genuinely he meant the former statement.

“Sarcasm can only protect you for so long.” Soonyoung shouted from behind; Jihoon had put a good few paces between them.

“Did your apathetic self not protect you? No? Then guess neither would my sarcasm.” When Jihoon wanted to score, he knew where to aim.

And it did silence Soonyoung for a while, till he was by Jihoon’s side at least. But they were one block away from their houses.

It seemed like Soonyoung planned on going to Jihoon’s home.

“Go to your boyfriend, Soonyoung, it’s no good sticking to your ex. He probably wouldn’t like that very much.”

Soonyoung grabbed his hand. “Why’re you so bitter about that?”

They were standing in the driveway, staring at each other.

“Who said I were?”

“You just can't get over the fact I’m over you.”

Jihoon didn’t reply at first, not in spite of not knowing how to reply, he just didn’t want to shoot the words. They affected him somehow.

“It’s not _that_ that I can’t get over.” He said and looked Soonyoung directly in the eye, his smile did hide his pain after all. “It’s that you won’t admit you can never get over me.”

If Soonyoung didn’t take so long to reply, Jihoon might have believed his denial.

He entered the house and put a hand on the doorframe, blocking Soonyoung's path. “What do you think you’re doing here?”

“Writing your assignment of course.” Soonyoung innocently said with a smile.

“To what do I atone?” Jihoon asked.

“My redeeming my actions. A truce, I’m tired of this. No more mind games, Jihoon.” His voice was weak, it held sincerity.

“And how do I torture you then?”

Soonyoung fell back to the deathly silence.

“You still don’t get it, do you?” Soonyoung asked and there was pain mingled with the hurt in his voice.

Jihoon refused to press the subject; he lowered his hands and turned around, putting down his bag.

_Someone’s here._

“So is your brother still together with Seungcheol?” he asked casually as his eyes searched the apartment.

There was a long interval of silence that Jihoon had to turn back to Soonyoung; he seemed confused, almost shocked. “You don’t know?”

Jihoon was in the dark about that one.

“Hyung doesn’t mention him much,” he replied, treading carefully, strategizing. “He seldom did and I never ask him about that kind of stuff.”

Soonyoung sighed and sat down where he was standing. “After you left, things got messy. They had to break up… mostly on Cheonsa’s part. Funny, eh?” he laughed without any kind of humour in the laugh, laughing off the pain. Jihoon understood what he meant by it being funny. But…

“Bet he was devastated.” He said, brushing off the subject and taking off his shoes.

“Both were.” The way Soonyoung said the words rendered Jihoon motionless. “They’re not like us, Jihoon.”

As Jihoon looked at Soonyoung's eyes, he could see all those feelings he should feel; he felt the fear at not being able to experience them. He saw Soonyoung taking something on his shoulders like he always did, something behind his eyes battling a life or death battle to justify its very own existence. And yet, there was vulnerability in his expression.

A silent plea and another silent promise as he seemed to be drowning in regret.

And Jihoon’s face fell as he stared at Soonyoung.

For as many times as the phone became Jihoon’s savior, he was going to thank it.

He picked up the phone.

It was Wonho.

He turned back to Soonyoung as he spoke, motioning him in. “Well, I didn’t miss you, what do you want?”

He heard Wonho speak, his presence almost existent, he was smiling as he talked to him, seeing Soonyoung's eyes on him in the mirror reflection; they even gaze-locked for more than a second. Jihoon sort of lost himself in the gaze, it brought back so many memories. He turned to Soonyoung, momentarily forgetting to answer Wonho back. He was only staring at Soonyoung now.

The way Soonyoung smiled; the warmth in it –how it made Jihoon feel as though he were in a dream-like state, an opium-induced state, as if the past few years never took place. He opened his mouth to say something but Soonyoung had broken the charm, staring bleakly at something behind Jihoon. Wonho's voice grew louder but still, Jihoon turned to see what caught Soonyoung's eyes.

_Wonho!_

His jaw opened slightly, his hand pocketing the phone and he found himself striding to reach the familiar smiling face. He was even hugging him.

“Okay, I lied, I miss you.” He said mostly to Wonho's shoulder as the latter embraced him harder.

Wonho laughed. “Well, I got sick of talking to you over the phone for the past year. Someone’s gotta look over your shoulder.”

They didn’t let go for a while.

Jihoon was about to turn to Soonyoung to tell him something, but when he saw his expression, his sad smile, words seemed to evaporate.

_A mere phantom in a fading light._

“It’s nice to see you again, Hoseok-ssam,” he said, smiling the same painful smile that Jihoon couldn’t help overlook how much pain it caused him. Even though he didn’t know the cause. He knew Wonho was never liked on Soonyoung's part.

Wonho and Soonyoung started chatting casually.

Then Soonyoung was turning around and leaving.

And Jihoon was leading Wonho to the living room, glancing once or twice at the recently-shut door.

 

 

 

 

 

It was a starless night. It was the kind of nights Soonyoung set off to Jihoon’s secret spot in the woods. He had made a habit of going there ever since he was a senior in school. And when Jihoon had left, it became harder but it also kept him from falling apart. Now that Jihoon was back, now that Soonyoung was clearly avoiding him, he had to be careful about when to go.

He wouldn’t like running into him.

Especially when he needed both, the lucidity and the privacy required when he started writing.

 

“You look like someone who could use a drink,”

Soonyoung looked up from his screen, knowing beforehand who his company was, and failing at not smiling at the thought. Except that he had remembered why he was avoiding that company.

He took the can Jihoon’s stretched hand still offered and thanked him.

“Such a beautiful sky tonight.” He said sitting down. Soonyoung was watching him, realizing a little bit too late that Jihoon’s eyes had settled on his screen.

He smiled nervously and somehow played it off, closing the lid for the matter.

“Why did you turn it off? I’m here because I’m stalking you.” Jihoon said, already sipping at his drink. He wasn’t drinking beer, it was simply coke.

“Why am I the only one who got a beer?” Soonyoung asked, not too happy about the options that limited Jihoon’s answer.

“I don’t drink.” It was brusque.

And Soonyoung was right, he really couldn’t be happy about Jihoon’s answer; but if they fell into the misty silence now, the gap between them would keep on getting wider.

“So why did you stop? I thought you always exposed yourself to me.” Despite the sarcasm Jihoon injected to his words, Soonyoung knew he meant them.

“I’ve a thousands of things to write and a thousand reason not to.”

_I need something to believe in because I don’t believe you anymore._

He wished he could tell Jihoon that.

Jihoon locked eyes with him for a while then shrugged. “It’s either you don’t know how to put it to words or you’re just afraid to let it out.”

Soonyoung laughed genuinely at that. That guy never knew how accurate he could get. “My heart is just suffering at the moment I had to give it a rest.”

Jihoon’s hand moved to Soonyoung's hair, pushing it back and it stayed for a while on his forehead. Soonyoung was facing Jihoon’s face, Jihoon whose eyes didn’t change in the least. Soonyoung wished he couldn’t feel the things he felt years ago by merely being touched by Jihoon. He wished a lot of things that involved Jihoon.

“Don’t you think it’s a sign? That you should start using your heart less?” Jihoon was utterly looking through him.

“Or maybe it’s you who have it wrong,” Soonyoung said in a low tone. “If you used your heart more, you wouldn’t have been as rigid,” he said with much clarity it shocked him.

“I’m not rigid.” Jihoon drew back his hand.

“You can say that again once you use some other organ but your mind to make the calls.” He said it casually but then he looked at Jihoon again. “What is it that’s hurting you so much?”

_What is it that you can't forgive?_

Jihoon sneered.

Soonyoung made sure he caught his eyes before he motioned for his wrapped hand. It was obviously self-inflicted, given Jihoon sucked at kitchen-work and he didn’t have it a few hours ago. Even when Soonyoung was avoiding him, he couldn’t ignore his presence –he couldn’t help noticing even the gritty details about him. Jihoon looked at his hand from the corner of his eyes.

He was probably fazed. But naturally, he wouldn’t let it show.

He never let anything show. That was why Soonyoung failed so many times at plenty of things when it came down to Jihoon.

Even if Soonyoung himself wasn’t that full off his very own words, he would say them as many times as it took for Jihoon to feel better. Because unlike Jihoon, Soonyoung had coped with the situation, even if it weren’t in the best way. At least he did.

 “Misconception. That’s what you don’t understand, the mind calls all the shots, all the heart does is pump blood…” Jihoon said, dismissing Soonyoung's previous comment and not bothering to hide his hand.

“So you need more pain to suppress older pain, momentary distracting pain?” Soonyoung was getting worked up, remembering how it felt to feel another’s pain like it was his own. How he always felt Jihoon’s as his own and carried it around because Jihoon wouldn’t.

And it was enough to faze Jihoon, his eyes were wide open with shock.

“Is that how you utilize your heart, how you deal with it?” _more pain to suppress older one?_ Soonyoung's finger dag in the grass beneath them. “The same way you deal with your mind? Where’s the _logic_ in that!?”

The aftereffects of Soonyoung's words weren’t swooped away for several minutes. They were staring at each other, sometimes Soonyoung considered it their way of communicating; that something lurked in the silence waiting for either of them to say it out loud because the other one was too scared to admit it.

And so far, Jihoon had been too scared to admit plenty of things.

He could have sworn Jihoon had answered his question with a one-word-reply. _None,_ he had said.

And Soonyoung was again the emotional sixteen-year old who had fallen in love with the tyrant fifteen year-old boy.

 “Jihoon, can we pretend for a while?” Soonyoung said after a long war in his mind. When Jihoon looked at him, giving him his attention again, he proceeded. “Can we play a different game, where we have an alternative universe, one where you and I could have happened?”

Jihoon didn’t speak for too long Soonyoung almost regretted opening his mouth.

“What’s it with you, you’re fluctuating from I’m over you to we can start over I can hardly understand which you want.”

Soonyoung couldn’t think straight after that statement, but somehow his heart already knew an answer. “You say that when you yourself have always been on and off with me … you of all people should understand how nothing makes sense with _us_.” He stared deep into Jihoon’s eyes, waiting for his words to reach him somehow. He wished he knew why he could still talk to Jihoon as easily, as though they had never once parted.

“It doesn’t matter. You’ve moved on.” Jihoon said. When Soonyoung searched for Jihoon’s eyes, he found they were sad. And he was about to deny what he had faked in the first place. But Jihoon had a way of ruining a moment.

“Seungcheol called me tonight,” Jihoon said, looking at the stars, his shoulder touching Soonyoung's slightly as they sat leaning on the tree.

Soonyoung already knew the story. About how Jeonghan was the one to break them up. The story included some parts Jihoon probably didn’t know about. Like how their father was the reason they had to break.

Like how Jeonghan never ever wanted to break it off, how fallen out he was.

“Yea, how is he?” Soonyoung asked out of politeness, already knowing the answer.

“Fine, I guess. I mean he’s dying anyway so might as well end things before they become unfinished business.” He laughed dryly.

Soonyoung waited for the punchline.

But it never came.

“Seungcheol-hyung is dying?” he treaded carefully.

Jihoon pressed his lips to a thin line and nodded. Soonyoung didn’t know how he could be so calm about it. One thing he was confident about, nothing mattered to Jihoon as much as his siblings did. And he was calmly saying such words now? How long had he known, had he reached stage five yet?

“I,” Soonyoung couldn’t find the right words. What? He was sorry? Jihoon hated that kind of _off-base feeling_ and he hated it when Soonyoung apologized.

“Never mind that, I already made peace with that.” Jihoon said with a smile.

And all Soonyoung could think of was one distant memory. They stayed silent for a while.

“Is there hope for us?” He asked dejectedly, moving around so he was on his knees in front of Jihoon.

But Jihoon had lied. There was pain in his smile. Pain palpable in his eyes, warring to be hidden by another of less severity. The pain of losing someone dear, the helplessness of knowing they would disappear and you were just standing by. Watching.

Soonyoung felt the chest-ache.

_Since when has pain become an armor, how come that which hurts you ever shields you?_ Soonyoung thought of how Jihoon was underestimating pain. _What kind of screwed-up world is that?_

“It’s always been impossible.” Jihoon finally said. “Sustaining a relation that was never meant to be.” And he had looked at Soonyoung once he had finished his sentence. And Soonyoung could see how slightly his lips quivered.

“I’m not my brother, Jihoon.” Soonyoung said at last. He was still fighting, like always, even though there were no signs, even though he was deprived of all answers, he kept fighting. “I miss you, I miss us.” His voice became softer.

Jihoon’s face was getting closer, it wasn’t something Soonyoung was proud of admitting but he would kiss Jihoon even if he knew the kiss was just toying with his very own feelings. It was like a recreation of the moment they had when Jihoon last kissed him. The hunger and anger that were present between the pauses, the can't-get-enough feeling, the this-has-to-stop dilemma, the sweet bitterness and the need of wanting to be stuck in the moment because when it ended, it meant they were distant souls again.

Soonyoung wouldn’t let go even after they stopped kissing. He was still holding Jihoon’s neck, leaning it in. Their foreheads were touching, inhaling each other’s gasping breath and Soonyoung knew he wasn’t the only one with his eyes shut.

“What would it take for you to hate me?” Jihoon sounded like someone asking the most serious question in the universe.

_Nothing. It’s not possible._

“Tell me there’s hope and I’ll wait.” He said, whispering as well.

“I don’t need you to love me. I-” But Jihoon stopped himself midsentence.

When he let go of Soonyoung's neck, Soonyoung opened his eyes. Watching Jihoon get to his feet. “I know you love me, Jihoon. I just can't make you admit it yet.” Soonyoung wished he truly felt the confidence his voice emitted as he stated that.

“I never gave you your answer, at least that’s what my memory recalls.” Jihoon said, shrugging then he started heading back to the woods.

Soonyoung bent his knees in front of him, letting his head hang down on his shoulders as he messed up his own hair. His mind told him Jihoon only wanted to torture him with his cruelty –he even admitted such days ago, no one could ever be this cruel. Not Jihoon and not towards him, no matter what; they had a bond that couldn’t be denied … no bad blood could ever overwrite that. This was all a deliberate act because Jihoon wanted him to hate him. That was always how Soonyoung made sense of the situation; but he had never been a rationalist, and his heart was shaky and it couldn’t sustain its faith.

But he still wouldn’t let go.

Because Jihoon wouldn’t let go either, he would keep coming back … just like Soonyoung couldn’t stay away.

… So why couldn’t Soonyoung be more confident about that factoid?

He was confused, nothing made sense and he didn’t know how to feel.

 

  


 

 

 

Jihoon was still livid about the cryptic phone call he had gotten from Seungcheol, asking him to meet up at their old school, telling Jihoon how he had something ‘specifically to his liking’ there. The only reason Jihoon played along was because he, before everything, trusted his older brother.

And a little part of it might have been because it was intriguing.

And since he had been angry about it since he got the call, he was restless and consequently he was at their old school prior to when their meeting was scheduled.

If by any chance Lee Jihoon could feel nostalgic, he was experiencing that feeling once he saw how empty and creepy the building looked at night. And naturally, he went to the roof.

He wished he hadn’t.

Before he could sneak out as silently as he had sneaked in, the door of the roof was closing. And it startled the person who was dreamily looking at the sky, oblivious to his surroundings. The person who registered another bolt from the blue when he saw his companion, no, _their_ companion.

Even under what little light the dark sky allowed, Jihoon could see he was standing between Soonyoung's confused face and the person who inflicted the confusion who happened to be standing behind Jihoon himself. It wasn’t Seungcheol.

“So this’s what it’s all about,” Jihoon wished he still had the restraint he used to have when he was younger. “I’m taking hyung isn’t showing up?”

Wonho was laughing and Soonyoung was already speaking. “Seungcheol-hyung is the person who brought you here?”

Jihoon looked behind him, double-checking it was him Soonyoung was addressing. “I just implicated that, didn’t I?”

That drew a grimace from Soonyoung's face, Jihoon smirked at that and, forgetting the laughing teacher behind them. He closed the pace with Soonyoung, each solely focusing his eye on the other person, ultimately overlooking the bigger picture.

He walked till he completely closed the distance with Soonyoung, till they were standing head-to-head as Soonyoung's back was leaning on the banister. And they were already at their occasion affliction, their way of talking recently.

But the laughing had stopped and Jihoon was once again the lab-rat of how his mind experimented the real meaning to ‘dull out senses and mute surroundings’; an expression he used to use metaphorically. And it all happened at once. He was being cornered, hearing Soonyoung speaking; objecting, Wonho's infamous laugh. He heard the first clang, feeling the metal surround his wrist, the second similar clang and finally metal clanging against another. Had he not felt the pressure pulling him down, he wouldn’t have recovered as quickly.

But Wonho was already taking numerous steps away, not giving them his back.

“What’s this!?” Jihoon exclaimed, pulling at what was tying him.

“Bondage.” Wonho said with a laugh. “Such a turn on, don’t you agree?”

Soonyoung gave it a try, trying to free his hand from the cuffs; Jihoon watched him from the corner of his eye.

“Let me explain this to each of you so you could easily understand the situation,” he began with a menacing smile as something metallic shone in his held up palm, a key. “I run into my old student, drunk, in a bar. He starts talking about how shitty things are for him in college because his friend is acting weird because someone from their past shows up again.” He laughed then looked at Jihoon in the eye. “I also happened to be the one who referred your brother to this college. Sooo, I get a few calls complaining about rascal attitude in your most classes especially Heechul-ssam’s, who by the way, Jihoon, used to be _my_ Seonsangnim back in the days.”

Jihoon was about to respond to that, but his wrist was grabbed vehemently to the side that it pulled all his body. “Would you stop that? You’re going to rip off my arm.” Jihoon snapped at Soonyoung.

Soonyoung shot him a vacant stare then looked at Wonho. “Hoseok-ssam, can you please give us the key?”

Jihoon sneered. “Listen to me, I don't know why you’re doing this or why Seungcheol put you up to it but I don’t see a point in disciplining us.”

“No one said anything about discipline, I did leave the disciplinary whip at home, didn’t I” Wonho smirked.

Jihoon rolled his eyes. “I’m not joking-”

“Neither am I. I’ll be back in, hmmm, two hours or maybe more. You should have solved your ‘issues’ by then.” He gave them a look as he made the air quotations.

Jihoon called after him, accompanied with Soonyoung's _Hoseok-ssam_ but they soon heard the door being closed. And as Jihoon cursed loudly he could hear Soonyoung's resigned sigh.

“Would you please sit down?” Soonyoung asked.

Jihoon gave him a disbelieving look but slipped against the banister eventually, feeling the wind tickle his skin as it pushed his shirt away from his skin; slipping through the openings.

He was cuffed. To Soonyoung. Who was sitting literally glued to him at the shoulder, with their hands also literally tied together as they hung up above their heads. At least it didn’t strain Jihoon’s shoulder as much as he thought it would.

“Now what?” Soonyoung's tone wasn’t friendly.

“It’s your stupid friend’s fault.” Jihoon wasn’t done with the snaps just yet. He was glad he couldn’t see Soonyoung's face. “How are you even friends with that stupid Seokmin?”

Even if he couldn’t see his face, a rhetorical question should always be unanswered. “You were gone for four years, Jihoon. You’ve no right to tell me who stays in the picture and who leaves.”

He looked to his left, where Soonyoung's face wasn’t much further. This coldness of his Jihoon couldn’t quite get accustomed to; it was too hostile. He looked away indignantly.

“I’m sorry about your brother.” Soonyoung said after a while.

“I don’t need your pity.” Jihoon answered with an unfriendly tone, knowing fully well how cold Soonyoung's stare was boring into him after that reply.

Again, despite how mature Soonyoung could usually be, some comments just set him off almost instantly. “This’s exactly why you’re so alone, Jihoon. This’s exactly why the only friends you’ve on campus are the ones I know.” He scoffed.

“Why are you here again?” Jihoon asked flatly after a while of pointless staring.

“That’s none of your business.”

Jihoon turned again to look at Soonyoung, this time he only stared with iciness that touched his heart.

“Let me get this straight, you’re acting like a jerk because,” he paused and looked at the sky, smiling, “I know this one, wait. Ahh, I hurt you so you’re getting back at me.”

“I’m not getting back at you, Jihoon. I said I’ve moved on.” Too flat.

Jihoon’s smile turned into a smirk. “Yea, I can see just how much you’re over me. If you can't keep up with the game, you should just give up.”

Soonyoung laughed, Jihoon had to resist not to turn to him. “And tell you I love you?”

It was as though Jihoon had hit jackpot. “I never said anything about loving me, I actually meant the exact antithesis of that.”

He heard Soonyoung move beside him, feeling the result of the shift affecting his hand, his vision was being more dimmed, the air was blocked.

“Pick a corner, love you or hate you?” Soonyoung whispered.

“You’re finally catching up to the game, huh?” with his free hand, he pushed Soonyoung back and much to his chagrin, Soonyoung was falling back, causing pain to both of their cuffed hands. They both groaned.

“You’re stupid!” Soonyoung said, getting back to his former position with too much exerted effort.

“Just admit it,” Jihoon said with a nonchalant shrug. “It’s not that hard.”

This time, he could feel the full pain in spite of Soonyoung's abrupt arousal. They were both on their feet now; their hands screaming in agony.

“Not hard? _Not hard,_ Jihoon?” Soonyoung said with so much resentment of the words it startled Jihoon. “You want to hear that I still love you? That I wish us a new beginning? That I lack the conviction required for moving on? That I suffered while you were gone?”

Jihoon had mistaken the pause for an opportunity to talk, someone like him always thought everything was apt to have a reply. “I was actually hoping you’d say you hate me and be over with.”

“Shut up, okay?”

“You’re the idiot here, Soonyoung.”

“And you’re lonely.” It was the first legit time Soonyoung had snapped that night.

A quick comeback. “It doesn’t wash away the fact you loved me,”

“And I still do,” he spat. That jolted Jihoon and he could hear Soonyoung's ragged breath. “Now, where does that leave us?” He said with a calmer tone. He turned and gave Jihoon his back, leaving Jihoon his hand.

“Nowhere,” Jihoon said looking him square in the eyes as he walked around to face him. “You couldn’t let go, don’t blame me for that.”

“Because I’m an idiot. Just shut up, okay!”

Jihoon was already getting out his agenda, he wouldn’t tolerate this hostility, the kind he thought Soonyoung wasn’t entitled to feel. But Jihoon was also human, he was entitled to be wrong at times. “I won’t-”

“Yes, you will.” Soonyoung was fully turned to Jihoon now. “For once in your life watch what your mouth says because it can hurt others.”

Jihoon started fidgeting in his pocket. “Because you can get hurt, it does-”

Soonyoung pushed him with his free hand. “You care. You just refuse to admit it. Underneath this cold charade of yours, you're no different from me, you’re _hurting_. And that’s why you’re so mad at everything, your aggression towards me, your attempt at being indifferent to things that once mattered to you. Everything!”

“You’re over simplifying me, Soonyoung.” A huge part of Jihoon knew that was a lie.

“There’s nothing simple in any of that, alright? I was there every night knowing you hated me, knowing I had killed her and there was nothing I could do about it. And as time passed, I learnt to deal with that, you know why, Jihoon? Because there’s nothing else to do much less accept it. But unlike you, I didn’t run. I came head-on with my problem, which by the way, happens to be _our_ problem.”

It was as if Jihoon were just saying those words the night he left. He only stared at Soonyoung while his hand had found his set of keys. He hoped one of the smaller keys would fit, those that belonged once to Seungcheol. He didn’t give heeds to Soonyoung's puzzled face, or the anger it coated; he just worked his way with the lock. And it did fit.

“So you’ve had at it all this time?” Soonyoung laughed an incredulous laugh.

Jihoon only glared.

“Right, almost forgot you’re one accomplished champion of not dealing with your problems.”

Jihoon still hadn’t answered.

“See this’s exactly how it’s with you, another thing to ‘that’ list of course. When you don’t have a witty comeback, you can't answer. You can't deal with anything unless you’re making fun of it.” Soonyoung wasn’t as angry anymore.

“Yes!” Jihoon said with bitter triumphant. “I’m the kid who can't accept anything that doesn’t fit into his ideal world remember? That’s why I’m having this conversation with you.”

“Why then?”

“Because I hoped you’d talk to me, instead you lashed at me.” Jihoon said simply, hearing the click of the lock.

“Oh, so now you understand how it feels like, yea?” Soonyoung nodded to himself. “You keep emphasizing how much you blame me because you can't find anywhere else I’m in the wrong at!” Soonyoung half-screamed, falling silent for a moment there only to study Jihoon’s partly shocked expression.

He did him the favour of talking again, the thing he initially wanted to say but got side-tracked. “Would it have mattered anyway? Me telling you I love you or I hate you? If it was the latter, you knew I’d be lying but you would delude yourself, convince yourself it is true because it’s easier for you that way.” He paused, looking directly into Jihoon’s downcast eyes; which made it his eyelids in that case. “And if it was the former you’d still be holding a grudge against me. You can never let us have a second chance-”

The key was stuck; Jihoon emptily stared at it and the emptiness was reflected in his voice. “Is that what you tell yourself? A grudge?”

Soonyoung was the one to tamper with the lock now and he had a better luck than Jihoon.

“It’s the hollowness, Jihoon. Your refusal to get hurt, your determination to keep running away.” He sounded like someone who had more to say but wouldn’t let the words out. He freed his hand and looked at Jihoon with coldness that went on an equal footing with that Jihoon could master at command.

Soonyoung walked to the door and without any further word, he spun and gave it a kick hard enough that the door opened and recoiled twice.

“You’re going to regret this!” Jihoon said as he caught up with Soonyoung; just as Soonyoung was a step in front of him, passing Wonho who was too overwhelmed to form speech. Soonyoung paused only to look at Wonho and he didn’t smile. Then he stormed out, jumping the stairs, fuming.

“Guess that didn’t help much?” Wonho's smile was edgy.

It wasn’t like that night at the cliff. Jihoon and Soonyoung were no longer standing at the same position they were at that night.

Jihoon was beyond ticked off, he gritted his teeth and started walking away. When Wonho stood in front of him, Jihoon pushed him away slightly. He only got a glimpse of the latter’s shocked expression before he decided he didn’t care much at that point about Wonho.

**  
**

****

 

 

It was as he stormed out angrily that he wished he had calmed down a bit.

All the way to his home, Soonyoung wished the old peacefulness of his old life back.

And he wished his anger didn’t blind him to his surroundings.

He just did.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might go for another update some time before next friday bc this needs to be wrapped up soon sigghhh  
> lowkey hope this makes sense, enjoy :")


	19. Grus

 

 

 

Maybe he should quit music.

Jihoon had a habit of turning up the volume that when he unplugged the headset, his ears would be drumming.

And he often became oblivious of everything, more oblivious than usual. Many times he almost got run over, often laughing at how ironical that would be, dying the same way he killed his sister. But the professor had given him a fuckton of shit to get done. He was quite the masochist; he was the one who took the class solely to get on Soonyoung's nerves.

And everything was always on Kwon Soonyoung's side.

Everything would conspire against Jihoon when he conspired against Soonyoung. And it was getting back at him.

He even intended to subtly apologize to him today.

He cursed and fiddled with his phone, crossing the street and changing the song all in the same time. He knew it was safe not to look because that street was the one he crossed before standing in his own yard.

But he should have looked this time. He only looked as the tyres’ screeching overruled the music, the car stopping just a millimeter away from Jihoon; he could even feel its running engine.

He was smirking, the usual reaction to the usual thought of the probability of having been dead. But when he saw the driver, the car, the person who was panicking and getting out of the shotgun seat, his smirk was wiped off.

“Oh my god, are you okay?” the rushing girl said, her hand on her mouth. “I’m so sorry, I knew I shouldn’t have let him drive.” She kept on talking, apologizing and touching Jihoon all the same.

Jihoon’s eyes were focused on the horrified eyes of the driver. He pushed his way past the girl; his rage was boiling inside. He could hear the sound the kettle made when the water had boiled; it was resonating in his ear.

Soonyoung got out of his seat, standing in front of Jihoon.

He wore the same expression he did when they had hit Jungyeon four years ago.

Jihoon took a swing at him, Soonyoung fell to the ground, his head bowed down, not wanting to look up. Jihoon struggled to find the words through his rage.

Soonyoung got up to his feet after a minute or so, looking away.

Jihoon grabbed at Soonyoung’s collars. “You’re this shameless, aren’t you!”

Soonyoung wouldn’t look him in the eye. The girl’s hand touched his shoulder, confused and scared, but he hissed at her, telling her she had better leave. She threatened to call the police, Jihoon was shaking Soonyoung, and it pissed him even more that Soonyoung wouldn’t look him in the eye.

“You call them and tell them your boyfriend was driving while being drunk,” he shouted, the words were directed to her but he was glaring at Soonyoung. “Tell them he just wouldn’t give it a rest till both of them were dead.”

He could hear her crying, and he couldn’t care.

Soonyoung with his left hand had thrown away the phone from her hands. She weakly called out his name, as if waking some sense in him. But calmly, Soonyoung had told her to leave. She was already on her heel; she looked hurt, stopping the tears like any proud hurt lady would.

“I thought you would quit drinking,” Jihoon roared, “At least you wouldn’t be driving while you’re drunk.” He let go of Soonyoung's collar when the latter didn’t reply or look him in the eye after a few seconds.

He could see a fallen tear.

He could feel himself not caring.

“You killed her!” Jihoon shouted, giving Soonyoung his back. He turned back to him. “You killed her and you don’t even feel responsible.”

He knew it wasn’t fair, but he was angry, he was hurt. He was going through what he kept numbing out during the past couple of years.

Soonyoung wouldn’t even defend himself, he wouldn’t speak, and that itself was worse than actually saying anything.

Jihoon kicked the at tyre furiously and let out an angry stifled scream. It hurt his leg; he needed to focus on a different kind of pain.

“Say something,” Jihoon hissed, standing inches away from Soonyoung who still wouldn’t meet his eyes.

Soonyoung finally looked up, his eyes were lifeless despite the fallen tear. It seemed like the tears were slowly draining him from his feelings.

“What do you want me to say?” Soonyoung asked. “What is it you think you can say that I’ve not told myself?”

Jihoon refused to feel bad for him. “You’re an asshole, you know that. You’re even worse than I am. Being the nice guy and all that stuff you go around doing, pretending to be. And yet here you stand, here stands a complete stranger, someone I don’t recognize.”

“Please stop.”

It was enough to trigger Jihoon. He was again grabbing Soonyoung’s collar. “I wasn’t joking when I said I can't forgive you.”

Whatever life was momentarily restored in Soonyoung’s eyes after Jihoon had said those words, it burned out quickly.

Jihoon could come up with a long list of hurtful things to say, knowing how easily someone like Soonyoung always took words so seriously; the least-coated truth could break him down.

And Jihoon felt a strong urge to destroy.

But his hands were already limp by his side, watching Soonyoung bleakly. He was looking at his empty eyes again, and they didn’t help Jihoon’s anger at all.

“Why won’t you speak?” Jihoon’s anger was at its tumult. “Soonyoung!!”

Soonyoung was already at their house’s door; Jihoon was watching him walk out on him. And he didn’t move.

“So now you’re running away, how mature of you!” Jihoon shouted at Soonyoung who stood at the doorframe.

It was enough to make Soonyoung pause and turn to him. “I’m just so sick of your damn excuses, I’m so damn sick of you.”

Soonyoung had taught Jihoon how to feel; he had taught him how to care –how to get hurt. And now he was hurt.

He flinched.

Soonyoung was walking back the distance, standing in front of Jihoon. He wasn’t particularly angry; simply fed-up. “You act as if you were the only one affected by what happened, judging me without knowing my reasons-”

“Oh yea? Then start explaining.” Jihoon demanded, his anger was only napping.

“I don’t have to explain myself to you. All I wanted was for you to leave me alone but you just need a partner in crime. You’re alone, Jihoon, and it hurts you to see I’m not.”

But Soonyoung had also taught him to know how to hurt, just like Soonyoung himself was doing now.

Jihoon lifted his head up, the thing he did when all he had got left was his pride that he could never allow to be wounded.

“You know nothing about me in the past few years. And you’ve no right to be saying those words to me.” Soonyoung said and started walking away again.

Jihoon grabbed his hand, haven’t yet thought of what to say. He improvised; he had always had a pretty clear idea about what to say to Soonyoung. He just never found his definition of the expression _perfect timing_. “You think you’re better than me? You think just because you’ve people around you it washes away your sin?”

Soonyoung's eyes turned cold, almost freezing the tears. “No, Jihoon, I don’t. But I’m willing to move on.” He paused to let out a pained yet a bitter snicker. “Why are you even bothering?”

Four years ago, Jihoon was the one asking that question; back then he didn’t understand the gravity of the question and he had asked it with so much casualness it harbored on coldness. But now that the words stung, he felt like he owed Soonyoung an apology.

But he was speechless, the way he was always rendered when Soonyoung cornered him.

And Soonyoung was already speaking again. “You?” He laughed bitterly; Jihoon could never get used to that sound. “You never felt me, not even once. No matter how much I was hurting, how much I wanted you to comfort me, you never did.”

He was on the verge of defending himself, but Soonyoung lifted a finger, already seeing through Jihoon this much. “I don't care if you’re cold to everyone. You should have been more sympathetic towards me, I of all people. I didn’t want to be comforted, I just wanted to be felt.” Soonyoung was shaking his head, the hurt more prevalent than the accusation. “I wanted to share my pain with you. I needed you to understand me while I was hurting. I was willing to give you that much of me.” By the time he was done, Soonyoung had been struggling to keep his tears back.

“You always created a reason to bear someone’s pain. You always seemed sad, what did you expect me to do?” Jihoon pushed Soonyoung back, it seemed childish, but so was this fight; so was their current status. “Should I have hugged you every time you felt down?” He scoffed.

It was too late to digest the truth in his sarcasm, it wasn’t some mindless exaggeration of how sad Soonyoung always looked, it was true; but that, too, was news to Jihoon. Had he not said his former statement, he would probably have never understood how conscious he had always been of Soonyoung's non-arbitrary anguish.

And to his surprise, Soonyoung pushed him back. He was thriving on his own pain, overpowering it before it devoured him. “I never spoke my pain to anyone. I only showed _you_ how damaged I could get,”

_You showed me your strength._ Jihoon wanted to scream.

“And sadly, I had no one to hug me. The person I wanted him to hug me and hold me tight, the same way I was willing to hold him, never did. And that hug you’re making fun of, it’d have helped, oh, it’d have done a great deal of healing, Jihoon.”

And Jihoon was staring blankly at him, feeling an overflow of emotions.

But Soonyoung was through with staring at him. He was already walking away.

This time Jihoon didn’t even want to call out to him; he just wanted to be left alone with his antagonism, the way he always preferred it. Everyone was always telling him he was alone or he would end up alone or how he chose to suffer; part of it was true, but as usual, that was never all there was to the story.

Jihoon’s hurt accusation.

It had backfired.

  


Soonyoung was hugging his laptop as he walked through the crowd, trying to escape everything; the thoughts, the memories, the asphyxiation. Not having a destination in mind, just the need of a getaway. He was still pretty much drunk but he felt both simultaneously, heavy and light headed. If numbness had been a person, Soonyoung would have enslaved himself to it, begging it to takeover whenever things got out of control.

And writing numbed him. It was those times he either pretended he was someone else, writing other people’s feelings or he poured everything bare on paper, acting as the one and only person he had always been.

And yet he felt suffocated.

But he was alone. He was writing.

_I thought not having seen him for so long would dull my love, yet once I saw him I felt the stir in my chest like a light but a catastrophically sweet rekindle, bringing back the nostalgia overload, re-experiencing the overpowering feelings all at once. I thought distance would have been the antidote but clearly it had only impassioned my yearning._

He crackled his knuckles, feeling his chest aching.

_My debilitating fears, that still even after everything we’ve been through I’m afraid I’d lose you. I’ve become someone who is afraid to let his feelings out here. While I thought I was teaching you how to love, I was teaching myself how to distance myself from all that could hurt me._

He could see Jihoon’s livid face as he shouted at him an hour ago.

He could see Jeonghan as he lied on the ground after saving him years ago.

He could see how his mom as she had died from a broken-heart.

He could see his father hospitalized.

_I want to tell you a lot of things. I wish I could speak to you in reality as easily as I do in my mind. I want the old days back. I miss us. There isn’t a single day that passes that I don’t question what I did wrong, what I could have done better should I ever get the chance to start over._

_I told myself that I didn’t care if we’re together in ten years, when you left that is, as long as you remember my name and smile to yourself, knowing it had caused a huge impact on your life; that my name had changed it, sending an enormous wave of reassurance through you whenever you think of my name._

_But I do. I do care so much about you and it hurts when we’re not together._

_I wish I could tell you that one day._

_I want to be able to say that letting you in my life had been the best thing that happened to me._

_And saying it wasn’t would only be a lie._

_Why can't hardships bring us closer? Why can't you forgive yourself? Why can't I ever tell you those things? You get me all tongue-tied ~~and you make my heart beat faster~~. _

Soonyoung deleted the last paragraph; he started thinking about Jihoon and it ruined his heartbeat rate. He couldn’t picture a way he could get over Jihoon. But he couldn’t imagine anything he could do to make Jihoon love him either.

_I love you._

_A thousand times I do._

_You’re my heroin. I’m addicted to your love by all its insufferable forms. I’ll tell myself I don't care whether you told me you loved me or not, I’ll lie and try to believe the lie._

_Because I love you._

_I can't phrase it better._

_It’s not temporary madness; if time can't wash it away then nothing ever will._

He deleted all he had written and started typing _I love you_ with so much frustration he ended up crying. Jihoon never told him he loved him before; Soonyoung wasn’t sure anymore if Jihoon’s love for him was ever present. Now Jihoon never would, why would he when he saw where both of his siblings had ended up? When he looked at Soonyoung and all he could see was the possible damage it could cause him on top of the dozens of restrictions Jihoon had.

He could still hear Jihoon’s words resonating in his ears. Overhearing the only part that mattered in a conversation with Seungcheol earlier. Before he started running.

Jihoon was shouting at Seungcheol; his expression was familiar to Soonyoung, having seen in on so many occasions. It seemed to scare Seungcheol; he wasn’t moving not to mention talking.

_You’re still blaming me?_ Jihoon was shouting, _after all you’ve done? And now all I see when I look at him is a murderer waiting to kill my heart after all of you broke my trust._

He wasn’t sure how to feel at first; it was as though Jihoon wanted to love him but couldn’t. But Soonyoung's dreams had to shatter. Jihoon finally peaked at his anger; his face was a ruddied mask of anger, accusing Seungcheol of wanting to ruin everything that he had to ruin his relation with Jeonghan and that Jihoon ‘ _yet I still have to live in the shadow of your mistakes’_. The exact quotation was what hurt Soonyoung the most. Blurting out other stuff about how he could no longer trust even Soonyoung because everything would go down and Seungcheol was responsible for it.

He tried to shake off Jihoon’s ballistic expression and Seungcheol's fearful one, to mute the words Jihoon was shouting.

_‘Just get back to your boyfriend, make things better … tell you something better? Write a book about it.’_

He started deleting the page he had filled with the ‘I love you’ and started molding his feelings the way the current Jihoon wished them to be.

_Why can't I ever hate you? I want to but I just can't. How much it would have been easier for me!_

Soonyoung stared at his bracelet, how he wished he could hang the star pendant again.

If love and hate had such a fine line between them, then why wouldn’t Soonyoung cross to the hate-part? Stubborn stupid Jihoon never told him anything. Soonyoung always had to draw out the words. When he thought things could get going, Jungyeon had to die.

They had to kill her.

_I made peace with what I had done, at least I tell myself I did._

_And it’s easier to live with._

Jihoon thought he was the only one suffering, happily throwing the blame on someone else; but it was a mistake they both made. Together.

A mistake Jihoon spent a lot of time telling Soonyoung wasn’t his fault.

And now he was simply dumping everything on him.

The moment Soonyoung thought they were getting closer, he had to stumble on a number of other truths. Many that he had gladly overlooked, pretended they were false just because believing otherwise would ruin him.

_Should I talk and lose you or keep my mouth shut and ‘maintain the status quo’?_ _I’m also chasing my truth, but I stumbled upon dozens of other truths but the one I initially sought. Much to my chagrin & none to my complaint, all contributing to my pain & reopening old never-healed wounds in my heart and in your disclosed heart, Jihoon._

He was remembering how he had foolishly thought this could work out for them back in the days, how he had built up hopes and now he was trying to barely hold up his scars.

The shooting star he had wished on.

The love they had made.

The moments they had shared.

The times Soonyoung thought they could never be closer.

The ups and downs he had wished for.

The ignorance of what the downs really unraveled.

_I just can’t wait for love to destroy us. Can’t we create something beautiful and destroy it? Or shall I wait for you to push me down one last time so I can never stand up again?_

Soonyoung deleted all he had written once again, fleetingly thinking about what could happen if Jihoon read this. He didn’t think much would change. After all, Jihoon always ignored whatever he didn’t like, whatever didn’t fit into his ideals. For Jihoon, love was weakness; it would only decay him.

But he had been doing so for so long he didn’t have to wait for love for that to happen.

A sudden image of yesterday’s consequences popped up in his mind; it felt realer than it should, how his father was lying in the hospital right now as Soonyoung drank himself up in his pain.

And after all, Soonyoung was still the same pitiful prisoner; but this time he wasn’t solely enslaved to Jihoon’s heart, but also imprisoned to his own.

_When my own comfort becomes my very pain._

He held his head in his hands, shaking it, feeling the tears evaporate in the haze of the day.

_Jihoon … why are you a story that won’t be completed and refuses to be finished?_

 

  


****

Jihoon was absent-mindedly listening to music as he lied down on his back, leisurely staring at the sun for a while before he tried to nap. He got up for a second, after hearing a rustling sound next to him… he wished he had kept lying down.

He was about to turn, throwing as much sarcasm into his words depending on who that person was.

But his half-turning around was met by a punch, one of the hardest punches Jihoon had ever received, harder than he had ever punched anyone no matter how much anger he was going through.

And he fell down on the grass; his thumb was, no sooner than he landed, touching his lips, measuring the amount of blood lost in the gush; it was a fair share. He looked up and saw Seokmin. He wanted to laugh but the pain in his lips was probably the only thing that stopped him.

That would have been inappropriate, wouldn’t it?

“Fuuuuck! That felt really good.” Seokmin said, the punch seemed to blow some of his steam off. “You’re an asshole, have been all along and I’ve always been right to dislike you.”

“Well good for you.” Jihoon wouldn’t get up; it was at the risk of getting punched again.

He had a fairly good idea where this was all going.

“I could punch you all I want, trust me, but even then it’d still hurt him.”

“That creates a problem for the two of you, tragic.”

Seokmin looked at him; he looked like a man trying his everything not to scratch at the leash. Jihoon gave him some points for trying.

“I don't even know what I’m doing here,” he said with so much contempt Jihoon considered shutting up for a second.

But of course he didn’t. “I was just wondering the same thing.”

“You’re really the worst kind of assholes,” this time Seokmin did him the favour of making him stand up on his feet. “Who the fuck do you think you are?”

“The guy who would have to iron his shirt once again, probably.” Jihoon was about to push down Seokmin’s hands but Seokmin had already pushed him down.

“You think you can be all funny and charming? Playing god and pulling off all your bullshit? I disliked you, yes, but I thought you were smart and I started respecting you, but now you’re just plain stupid, Lee.”

“Thanks, I’ll make sure I make use of your opinion and put it next to the pile of useless opinions about me.”

“Would you just shut the _fuck_ up!” Seokmin said, kicking a stone on the grass. “You never realize the magnitude of your actions, going around so apathetic about everyone and you couldn’t probably care less if someone died before your eyes.”

Jihoon got worked up at that comment. He got up to his feet, fisting his hands but he wouldn’t lift his gaze.

Seokmin kept talking. “He had been crying ever since last night, he looks like a wreck! I was there when you weren’t, I had to convince him it was going to fine, but you just had to waltz again in his life and you want to fuck it up … _again_ ,” he gave a dramatic pause.

Jihoon looked him in the eye, seeing there wasn’t anger there anymore, they were rather pity-soaked. “What’s it that you even know about him?”

Seokmin didn’t have to give it any thought. “Enough to dislike you, enough to be beating the living shit out of you right now. And way more than enough to tell you you’re no good for him –that you should stop fucking around, that if you won’t apologize to him, if you won’t keep friendly terms, you should just walk the fuck out. The same way you did years ago.”

Jihoon’s expression was hardening more and more. “Are you done?” he asked, feeling his fists ache.

“When is it going to be enough for you?” it was the same commiserating look and how much Jihoon hated it!

He opened his mouth to speak and he was getting punched.

Jihoon spat the blood, malignly looking at Seokmin. But his expression didn’t scare Seokmin.

“Even Yoojung said it, you liked to push things to the limit … if you kept pushing more than the limit allowed, it can be really shitty, Lee.”

And the mention of Jungyeon was enough to unleash the beast. Jihoon bolted at Seokmin, like a bull seeing a red sign. They both fell down, Jihoon grabbing his collar and trying to articulate despite the anger. “Don’t you mention her name, don’t you dare.” He hissed.

Seokmin pushed him away and the former was soon on his feet; Jihoon didn’t bother getting up. He felt finished with everything. “Don’t do him further damage. This time nothing in the world can pick him up … if you want to suffer, suffer in silence, suffer alone … don’t go around bullying people,” Seokmin paused, “we’ve all had it hard.”

Jihoon was quivering, but only part of it was anger. He could see Seokmin’s feet hadn’t yet moved.

It was a while before he heard a sigh. “Get up.” Seokmin said. “Get up! You look pathetic.”

Jihoon started glaring, but Seokmin was extending his hand. Jihoon took it and stood up. “Listen, I don’t hate you.”

“You’ve a rather expressive way of showing how much you don’t hate someone.” Jihoon said, fixing his clothes, no eye-contact. He could hear Seokmin grunting.

“You just piss me off, even when I’m trying to apologize you still piss me off.” He grunted again.

“Fine.” Jihoon said with a resigned sigh.

“I might have gone overboard, I’m sorry, man, okay?” he paused waiting for Jihoon to react; when he didn’t, he picked up his speech. “At least reflect on your actions, be the smart guy who used to be silent because he disliked the bullshit taking place everywhere around him.”

Jihoon smiled at knowing Seokmin had just admitted everything around Jihoon was bullshit.

“And put some ice on that, I don’t need him feeling guilty.”

“Walk away, Seokmin, before I snap.” Jihoon said with a smile. It hurt him to smile.

He grinned and shook his head. “No need to thank me. When you’re finally awake, come find me.”

He didn’t get that comment back then.

But when he woke up, he understood. Even though it wasn’t that kind of awakening and deep down he knew it.

His lips and cheeks hurt, guess it wasn’t a dream after all. He looked around, the place seemed familiar. He sat up in his place, on the sofa. And it all started coming back to him.

Jihoon sighed. “Why does it always have be you?”

Wonho looked up from the book he was reading. “Because you’ve no friends. Because you’re alone.”

How much Jihoon wished his comeback was genuine.

And Wonho didn’t reply to his smartass-ness.

“I told you, our relation is poisonous, addictive too.” He put down his book. “Want to talk?”

“Is there something on my face giving off the allusion I want to talk? You’re always asking me the same damn question.” Jihoon snapped. His pain and his ease around his old Seonsangnim gave him a shorter fuse than usual.

“I know you, Jihoon. I don’t need you to tell me you want to talk.”

_Well you’ve been asking the same question whenever you saw me for the past couple of years._ Jihoon sighed.

“If I sighed as much as you did, I’d have probably been dead by now.” Wonho gave him the teasing smile.

“Praise all the good in the world for me being alive, self.”

“You wouldn’t have been here if you weren’t so sarcastic.”

“If I weren’t such an asshole you mean.”

Wonho chuckled. “Yea, that too.” He got up and sat next to Jihoon on the sofa.

Jihoon didn’t waste any time, his head soon lied on Wonho's lap and he started talking.

“I think I fucked up this time, big time.” Jihoon began, feeling ashamed to admit that out loud.

“I see you’ve already come so far.” Wonho said, he had always been a good listener.

“He just wouldn’t hate me, it’s like he trusts me so blindly, even after all I’ve done. Whenever he sees me he would completely surrender himself to me. I wish I knew what he sees in me to love me so much.” Jihoon was impressed with himself, sharing how he felt. “It sometimes hurts me to see the water-like reflection in his eyes; I don’t even like the person he’s pretending to be, it’s like I’m responsible and yet he only treats me with kindness.”

“You don’t blame yourself he turned out like that?”

He didn’t reply for a while, the question itself hurt him. “What kind of questions is that?”

“The one which causes enough damage to make your eyes open up. Now answer the question in the open.” Wonho demanded.

Jihoon closed his eyes, pressing his lips into a thin line. “Yes. I do blame myself but I don't know whether my stay would have made things work out –gone better maybe. I can never be sure, but he’s still hurting. Even when I try to hurt him, he still refuses to hate me.”

Wonho stroked Jihoon’s cheek. “Maybe you should try a different approach, make him love you instead,” he let that sink.

“He already does.” Jihoon said after a while, feeling guiltier.

“But he never loved you while he knew for sure you loved him back.”

Jihoon groaned; he had never told Wonho he loved Soonyoung; it might have been obvious but stating it with so much confidence?

“I mentioned Jungyeon to him earlier.” Jihoon said robotically.

“It doesn’t matter. He loves you.”

“I made him cry, I lost count of how many times I did that. And I showed no remorse.”

Wonho was silent for long while. “Maybe you need to understand that when someone truly falls in love with another soul, they’re willing to go to such unimaginable lengths just to make them happy, they’re willing to forgive, to forget, to be set free. And when they’re finally free, they can finally set their beloved free. They’d demonstrate strength new to even them, but all for a good cause.”

Jihoon tilted his head to the back, getting a good look at Wonho's face. He wasn’t smiling, that surprised Jihoon.

“Let me put it in terms you would understand. Soonyoung's love to you is _that_ astral. It’s the kind of love you can laugh at while watching a movie, no, no, this’s even higher. I don’t think someone like him can do all that for a love less than what I’m describing.”

Jihoon fell silent.

“You’ll be stupid if you let him go again, or in your case, if you go again.” Wonho laughed a bit at his own inside joke.

Jihoon was smiling. “I never ever thanked you, Wonho.” He said, feeling the warm feeling appreciation filled one with.

He had never seen Wonho's eyes that wide before. Wonho laughed and got up; it strained Jihoon’s head a bit, being deprived the leverage it had all of a sudden.

“I’d kiss Kwon Soonyoung if I could,” he said through his maniac laughter. “Tell you something, you do that on my behalf.”

Jihoon was smiling. He got up as well and started walking to the door.

“I hope you never come back here, Jihoon.”

Jihoon smiled and shut the door.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //me casually keeping my promise altho I really hate this chapter but oh what can we do


	20. Hydra

 

 

 

“Soonyoung.” Jeonghan's urgent voice came calling from down. Soonyoung pulled the quilt over his head, he didn’t feel inclined to talk to anyone. Including his brother.

But Jeonghan barged in either ways. “It’s one in the afternoon, are you planning on getting up?”

Soonyoung grunted from under the sheets. He heard Jeonghan's approaching footsteps, understanding he would have to part with the quilt soon.

And Jeonghan did take away his quilt.

“You can't avoid me for that long. Talk.” He said softly.

“Watch me.” Soonyoung said giving him his back.

Jeonghan was silent for a while. “I told you’d wound up hurt.”

But little did Jeonghan know. It wasn’t time for pointless _I told you so_ ’s

Soonyoung levelled his brother with a stare, contemplating whether he should really retort. “Just because dad wouldn’t talk to you, you’ll start looking for someone else to talk to.” Soonyoung said; he was being impudent and he knew it.

After all, Soonyoung was the reason their father ended up in the hospital.

“You’ve been saying all kind of nonsense lately.” Jeonghan paused, his expression looked off to Soonyoung. “It saddens me, Soonyoung. But he still has that look in his eyes, like he still blames you for what happened.”

Soonyoung flinched at that and sat up in bed, tucking his legs under him as he watched Jeonghan. “Why would you say something to hurt me?”

He sat at the edge of his bed. “Because you just wouldn’t open up your eyes.” He let that sink. “If shocking you is the only way to achieve that, then I’d rather it be on my hands than _his._ You know that look on dad’s face, don’t you?”

He looked away. Things with his father had been as good as they were with Jihoon.

“You contributed to _his_ sister’s death, it’s probably the same way _he_ looks at you. And you still come back home crying.”

Jeonghan was getting on his nerves. “Cheonsa, please leave.”

“No, I won’t.” Jeonghan said with determination. “You have to come clean before yourself before you come clean before him. And you have to walk away avoiding any more collateral damage. You can live without him, you did for four years and you did it before he showed up.”

“Just like you could live without Seungcheol-hyung?” It was cold. Way too cold.

Jeonghan rolled his eyes; Soonyoung could tell the question hurt him. “Don’t bring up unnecessary topics, Soonyoung.”

“This’s not unnecessary.” He said, feeling some triumph as he inched closer to his brother. “If you’re angry, you should blame yourself –you’re the one who should have walked away. You’re the reason Jihoon can never say he loves me anymore. Your relationship, your _failure_ of a relationship with _him_ is a scar on Jihoon’s heart.”

Jeonghan still tried to be the mature one, but Soonyoung knew he would have to break at some point; he just had to push far enough. “You know nothing so stop being so unfair, okay?” It wasn’t even a request.

“I’m unfair?” Soonyoung laughed, “You know nothing either so don’t push your so-called experience and care on me. If you care as much as you make it sound, spare me the knowledge of just how much you do.”

During the time Jihoon was gone, the one who dealt with Soonyoung's pain was Seokmin and the latter didn’t know the whole story, even till that very moment, he didn’t. Soonyoung was too hurt to confide his feelings to paper, not to mention a breathing person.

He was simply that hurt. Whether Jeonghan was giving him the time to mend or dealing with his own problems didn’t affect Soonyoung's opinion much at that point of their relationship.

“You don’t mean any of what you're saying.” Jeonghan was clearly hurt.

“What?” Soonyoung was now making fun of his brother. “Did I by any unnecessary means hurt your feelings?”

“Soonyoung, stop. Now.” He wouldn’t let the anger prevail, even as he looked sternly into his younger brother’s eyes.

“Give me one reason to and I will.”

“Your words are too hurtful.”

Days ago, Soonyoung would have kept his mouth shut. “And so were yours, but you didn’t care. You just took your scattered feelings and started flinging them everywhere, begging people to help you heal. But you left him and you’re still crying.” The words tasted foreign on his lips.

But Soonyoung didn’t care.

“Is that really me we’re talking about here?” Jeonghan was smiling like he pitied Soonyoung. He hated that look.

“Yes, Cheonsa, it is.” He got out of bed and crossed his arms. “I don’t have my world centered on Jihoon like you centered yours on Seungcheol-hyung.”

It was a lie.

Jeonghan got off the bed slowly, turning to face his little brother. “If it were you who heard this line from me, you’d tell me I was lying. And it would be true. But you’re the one who needs to patch up his heart soon, Soonyoung, you need to wake up. It was never going to work-”

“Just because yours didn’t, mine doesn’t have to necessarily fail.” He was surprised to hear the hiss in his words.

“It’s not like that.”

“Then I can have the honour of trying.”

“You know nothing, Soonyoung.”

“I know better than to listen to you.” He said with a tone he had hoped was dismissive enough.

Jeonghan looked him deep in the eye; they had that thing ever since they were young, it was the way Jeonghan knew when Soonyoung was hurting. “You’re hurting, Soonyoung; that’s my reason, that’s why you need to see everything from a different perspective, a clearer one.”

Had Soonyoung not been as worked up, had he let the bitter overtake the anger, he would have snorted at that. “Yours never was, you were always biased,” Soonyoung had to counter fast; he didn’t want to think too much about the truth in Jeonghan's lies. And offense was the best defense. “You never once liked Jihoon.”

“And you think he liked me?” Jeonghan flung his hands in the air, unbelievable.

Soonyoung shook his head, a bit hurt. Perhaps he still needed Jeonghan to refute those words. “So you’re admitting you never did.”

“So now you’re blaming me?” Jeonghan seemed to have a hard time saying the words.

“I don’t think there’s any other way to see the situation, hyung.” Again with the unnecessary coldness.

“There is. Because you’re blind and you’re an idiot.” His tone was louder, slightly aggressive.

“Learnt it from the best.” Soonyoung too could get violent. “I can blame you for all I want. This blame game you and everyone have been playing with me, I’ll learn to be good at it. _I_ can turn the tables around as well as anyone.”

There was only silence as they stood feet away, and even further mentally.

“You and I are no different, you should soon face this.” Jeonghan was heading to the door.

 “But I won’t end up like you.” Soonyoung shouted after him. To let the conversation end like that, without making up and without hurting Jeonghan was out of the question.

Jeonghan halted, talking without turning around. “You don’t have to worry about that,” he could detect the sad tune fillings Jeonghan’s words, “you’re already walking a different path, one that’s more doomed.”

 “Just because I refused to be like you?” Soonyoung couldn’t believe his ears, his brother must have had some cheek. He narrowed the distance, though he maintained a good distance between them. “Cheonsa, you're the one who ruined everything. You’re the one who gave up on Seungcheol-hyung, you’re the one who walked away. You’re the reason both of you are hurting, you should have stayed and stuck around no matter what.”

“I said you knew nothing.” Jeonghan’s voice came out strangled, naturally. But Soonyoung didn’t have the time to think about that.

“And I said I didn’t and it won’t matter, because you and the guy you dislike might just be the same after all. Each of you is simply plain stupid. Neither of you cared about the consequences of your actions. You just walked away and wouldn’t have cared if the world ended that day or the day that followed.”

Jeonghan seemed angry; Soonyoung only then realized he must have crossed a lot of lines. “If you’re this angry go talk to him; don’t take out your frustration on me.” Jeonghan was walking away again.

He stood blinking at his brother’s back, trying to keep the pain at bay.

“You ruined everything, Cheonsa, nothing is ever gonna change that.” Soonyoung shouted at him as he was standing just after his room’s trespass.

“I’m leaving, I don’t need to hear this.” Jeonghan was already at the stairwell.

“Yea? And don’t come back again, it was much better when you were away.” He shouted as his abdomen hit the handrail, watching Jeonghan stop and stare.

“You don’t mean that.” It wouldn’t have been heard if Jeonghan had been standing a meter away from Soonyoung, but at that moment and at that distance, everything was exposed.

“How sure are you of that?”

Jeonghan turned and looked all the way up, pitying how things turned out for his younger brother. “You’re right, I’m not even slightly sure. I don't even know the person I’m talking to anymore.”

Soonyoung was hurt… to hear those words coming out from his very own Cheonsa.

“Just remember when you come back broken and in pain, I won’t be there for you, cause _you_ pushed me away.” It was like memories and reality collided; he was hearing his own voice along with Jeonghan's. His voice was already pleading on its way to vengeful.

“I never did!” He screamed and descended a few steps.

“You’re still doing it. You still refuse to listen.” Jeonghan shook his head, commiserating.

“You’ve nothing I can hear.” Soonyoung was the one feeling the shivers descend by then.

“Then neither will you when you’re in pain, but that shouldn’t bother you.” Jeonghan gave him a mock indifferent shrug. The words felt like acid on his tongue, making him wince, his mocking expression showing it.

“It’s you who distanced himself.”

Jeonghan’s lips pressed into a thin line. He looked away, shook his head and a very bitter smile crossed his lips.

“You’re no longer talking to me, Soonyoung. Don’t even bother trying to apologize to me when your senses come back to you.”

And it was true.

Soonyoung flinched. “I can never forgive you, it’s a permanent scar, always remember that. I hope it keeps you awake at night.” Something inside Soonyoung was breaking, but that didn’t stop him.

“Not as much as it will keep you. I'm not your scapegoat.” Jeonghan gave him a long stare.

“Just leave, Cheonsa.” Soonyoung gave him his back.

_Please stay._

But Jeonghan walked away. Slamming the door shut.

_Why did no one ever hold on to me when I pushed them away?_ Soonyoung cried on the inside. He was hurting _._

Even when he was distancing himself he wanted someone to hold on to him; he wanted someone to hold him close. All he ever wanted was some understanding, an understanding that went deeper than any words unspoken. The understanding that involved seeing through anger, seeing the hurt and pain before the rash.

The kind Jihoon never saw.

The kind Jeonghan was ignoring.

And surely the kind Jeonghan was undergoing now.

He ruined Jeonghan; Soonyoung wanted to break him and he broke them. He was turning to everything he hated about Jihoon. And he still blamed Jeonghan. And he blamed Jihoon. And he hated them both. And they both probably hated him by now.

But it was okay, he hated himself even more.

 

 

 

 

Ever since the night Wonho had come back and Soonyoung hadn’t talked much to Jihoon. The rate of their talks decreased after their incident on the roof, almost being nonexistent after he confronted Soonyoung when the latter was drunk. But he was acting as if there were nothing wrong. Even if Jihoon didn’t know what was precisely wrong, he could still tell something disturbed Soonyoung.

But ever since they fought when Soonyoung was drunk, he hadn’t spoken to him even once, not in the lecture, not on campus and he deliberately took a different route home just to avoid Jihoon.

Jihoon knew he owed Soonyoung an apology. As much as it pained him to admit it.

They had been hanging with a group of college friends for over an hour now. It was a group date and Jihoon tried to blend in the mood but he disliked the people involved. He disliked how they always acted especially girls; they always found a way to piss Jihoon off. Soonyoung didn’t seem really into his companion; they weren’t eating yet, they were still hanging out till the movie time came. They had at least thirty more minutes.

When he more than once glanced at Soonyoung, he saw that the latter was definitely out of sorts.

It was seven at night and they waited to cross the streets.

Jihoon was watching Soonyoung from the corner of his eyes as he sucked on the straw of his juice. Soonyoung was watching a girl across the street; she was with her friend. If Jihoon hadn’t known better, he would have mistaken the girl for Jungyeon. She looked happy –idle teenage chatter was probably taking place. At least it was until she started walking backwards, smiling at her friend. Her friend’s eyes started darkening.

He didn’t know what was happening; it was as though despite the large crowd he was standing in, he could only see Soonyoung. Soonyoung who didn’t seem in a good shape. Everyone was laughing around them and it sounded on mute, distant; everything was blurring except the figure that seemed to be having a hard time.

Jihoon wasn’t sure what was happening to him; the fact he knew the girl would be run over and yet he chose to look at Soonyoung, seeing a panic-stricken look on the latter’s face. Or the fact he was simply having some reoccurrence of more than one memory at a time and yet he wouldn’t shout out for the girl.

Soonyoung looked away, pained. His date was calling out to him but he wouldn’t reply.

The girl on Jihoon’s side snapped her finger in front of his eyes, calling out to him. He –as gently as he could at that moment- pushed her hand away. Abandoning his companion altogether, he approached Soonyoung. He was breathing laboriously, his eyes seemed faraway and it was like only the two of them could understand what was going on.

“What’s wrong?” Jihoon whispered, not looking at Soonyoung even though their group was already focusing on the girl who almost got killed.

“Nothing.” He sounded breathless.

He turned to Soonyoung, looking at him this time. He was looking at the ground, his breath audible. Jihoon laughed and said, “Ah, you don’t have to be this pushy!” his voice was louder; he had successfully drawn their friends’ attention. He looked at his date and said. “This guy is sick, I’ll take him home.” And he pressed a smile.

Grabbing Soonyoung's hand, whose breath hadn’t calmed down, he dragged him in the street, looking for the nearest alley where they could stop and deal with Soonyoung's chronic problem: the memories that hit him like a meteor.

He pushed him, or placed him, against the wall, laughing nervously when a few passer-by’s looked suspiciously at them. Honestly, he couldn’t bring himself to care about anyone in that current state. He still wouldn’t talk to Soonyoung; he was letting him deal with his… Jihoon wasn’t even sure what Soonyoung was dealing with. But he had a feeling it was fine to keep away from the matter.

“Can you walk?” He asked, bending to his knees to get a clear look at Soonyoung's face. Soonyoung was sweating as he doubled over.

Soonyoung's hand stretched, shoving Jihoon to the side; he tried to walk but he stumbled and Jihoon caught him. “Easy there.” He said, throwing Soonyoung's hand around his shoulder, feeling the weight on it, how completely the latter was dependent on him by then. The height disadvantage was more strenuous than Jihoon had originally thought; but Soonyoung mattered more.

He was glad their block was near the alley they were just walking away from.

He wanted to think about a lot of things, but he also didn’t need to overcrowd his mind with what could make his emotions surface.

He didn’t go to Soonyoung's house.

He closed the door behind them with some effort, bent down slowly and broke free from Soonyoung's embrace. No walk had ever been as awkward. Soonyoung was still standing on his feet, their five-minute walk didn’t do much to calm him down.

“Are you okay?” He asked, looking to his left, not sure what he was looking for.

“I’m fine.” It came out barely a shade louder than a whisper.

“Are you okay?” Jihoon asked again, this time, looking at Soonyoung as he bent his knees a bit to be on crouching-Soonyoung level.

The answer didn’t come as quick this time. So he repeated his question.

Soonyoung looked up and smiled weakly.

Jihoon could only think of one solution, an atonement for some of his wrong doings. He hugged Soonyoung. His forearm gently squeezing Soonyoung's torso to his own, his hand touching the tips of Soonyoung's hair, feeling the smooth ends between his fingers while his other hand was resting on Soonyoung’s shoulder from behind. His head was buried in the crook of Soonyoung's neck; Jihoon’s lips prohibited anything but the air he breathed out to pass between them.

“The voices aren’t real,” he assured Soonyoung.

And naturally it would take more than that to get Soonyoung back.

He didn’t know what expression Soonyoung was wearing, but the way Soonyoung's hesitant body reacted to Jihoon’s hug suggested it could only be shock.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done what I did.” Jihoon whispered.

Jihoon cared. He cared more than he thought he could. He cared too deeply, deep enough he overlooked his pride.

He could tell the shocking effect of his words suggested the silence was their best option for a while.

“It haunts me, the ghosts of her are always in my dreams,” slightly breathless, Soonyoung whispered back, “And I’ve to live with the thought of losing more people, Jihoon. And everyone is telling me they don’t know me anymore.”

Jihoon smiled as if in a melancholic trance. “And everyone is telling me I’m alone. You think what we’ve been accusing each other of is no longer a mere accusation? That it had become a fact, a reality?”

He heard a muffled sob, then Soonyoung's hands were hugging him back.

_Please, don’t waste away._

“But we should never talk about the past anymore, only the present.” Jihoon whispered and he couldn’t feel what he needed to feel saying those words.

He licked Soonyoung's ear, he kissed it then his lips, feeling Soonyoung's hand hug him tighter. Then he opened his eyes and drew his face back to get a look at Soonyoung's teary eyes.

Eyes that can never hate. Soonyoung had always forgiven him; this pure soul didn’t have the capacity to hate. And no matter what, he would always take Jihoon back; no matter how hard the latter pushed him.

Soonyoung gave his lips a long look before kissing Jihoon, a peck at first, then slowly they were kissing each other, and finally came their kiss. The way they always did. It was astonishing Soonyoung could still kiss him like that when so much had happened between them. He took off Soonyoung's shirt but didn’t kiss him back.

It was as if a switch had been flipped in Soonyoung. He got up, forcing Jihoon to his feet without breaking their kiss. Soonyoung’s hand was about to yank Jihoon’s t-shirt off but the latter pushed him, gently.

“Not here,” Jihoon managed with a smile. As he looked at a breathless Soonyoung, he took his hand and led him all the way to the bedroom.

He pushed Soonyoung back on bed, taking off his own shirt.

Soonyoung was no longer kissing only Jihoon’s lips.

_I’m setting you free._

Jihoon felt like he could cry as they did it.

Real solid tears.

 

 

****

****

Soonyoung opened his eyelids with a feeling he hadn’t yet established. Jihoon was sleeping on his chest and from the way Jihoon breathed, Soonyoung knew he had been awake. Soonyoung wished he could smile and feel safe about it, about Jihoon’s reaction; but he feared speaking. He couldn’t think of anything he could say without the risk of having another crack in his glass heart.

“Are you scared?” Jihoon said; he didn’t touch him –he didn’t move.

“Yes.” Soonyoung paused. “Am I right to have my fears?”

“Yes.”

He flinched at the curt answer.

“You’re probably right,” Soonyoung got up, giving Jihoon his back as he looked for his clothes. “Yesterday’s night shouldn’t have happened.”

“I’m glad you think this way.”

Soonyoung paused halfway putting on his pants, he didn’t understand. There are things one said reluctantly just because they deeply wished the other person would deny them, would comfort them, would tell them that those thoughts were just thoughts, that they felt the same about them.

_Hold on to me when I push you away…_

But Jihoon was agreeing with him. He considered it a mistake even though Jihoon was the one who kissed him first.

“Don’t you ever wonder if we made a big mistake?” Soonyoung countered with a different question. He could hear Jihoon getting up from bed as well.

“Apart from yesterday’s?” He scoffed. Soonyoung thought he had enough willpower to knock Jihoon out for his attitude.

But he let the hurt spread like an infection.

“We needed something to hold us together, Soonyoung.” Jihoon said and Soonyoung turned and watched him as the latter talked from over his shoulder, putting his clothes on as well. “But that something dried till it grew cold and froze, till it finally broke. That was when everything was over.” At first Jihoon was indifferent, but the more Soonyoung watched the more he detected a sad smile.

And he still found a way to fall for the heavy-lidded moony eyes.

“Why did you sleep with me?” Soonyoung said, crawling on bed till he was on the other side of it, standing behind Jihoon. He partly hoped his voice didn’t seem too calm as he wished it to be. He wanted Jihoon to feel his anger, his pain. It was known that actions spoke louder than words. One second, they would be kissing; the other they would be fighting, writing off what their kissing struggled to prevail. It didn’t make sense.

“Because now you can't not hate me.” Jihoon shrugged and spun around, looking at Soonyoung.

“Why are you trying so hard to make me hate you while I’m this much in love with you?” Soonyoung shut his eyes and voiced the question he wanted to ask ever since Jihoon had returned –the question he was so desperate to ask each time they started fighting. It didn’t make sense.

And because there was only supremacy of rationalism, Jihoon was silent, avoidant.

“I know you feel something, indifference and numbness aren’t where it all ends. You just don’t want to talk about it, Jihoon.” He hugged his hand, hugged himself as he spoke. “Four years ago you opened up to me, but now you can't?”

“Things aren’t the way they used to be.” Jihoon answered with a disconcertingly cold voice despite his eyes that kept darting sideways. “People don’t actually care about how you’re feeling. They just want to hear you say you’ll be okay so they don’t feel guilty about not caring.”

That shook Soonyoung. To his very core.

“I’m not like everyone else, not to you, why won’t you forgive yourself?” Soonyoung's hand was halfway to touching Jihoon’s face. But he drew it back quickly. His body reacting to what his mind wasn’t processing.

Jihoon was throwing down the t-shirt he was about to put on, an electric arc of fury gleamed in his eye.

“What do you want to hear? That all your lives and struggles are actually a child's play compared to how much I went through? That I suffered in silence while you all watched.” He was shouting; Jihoon was angrier than he had ever been.

And he was taking out his anger on Soonyoung. “None of you knew a damn thing, only so very absorbed in yourselves. I didn’t want to complain to anyone. All I wanted was some peace of mind, to leave me alone and shut up about your so-called anguish.”  His chest was chockablock with anger. Soonyoung tried not to flinch at his expression but it was unavoidable.

“And now you all did, even Jungyeon.” He laughed bitterly. When he stopped, he added. “And I guess so did you.”

But then again, Soonyoung was only human. He could get hurt enough to become defensive. “No, Jihoon, you wanted a reason to let go of me,” he was surprised to find himself shouting, closing the remaining distance between them. “And Jungyeon’s death just presented a golden chance, your way out, your _excuse_. Because whenever you found yourself getting attached to something, you let go of it.”

Jihoon’s wide eyes looked away; Soonyoung's hand reached his face and shifted its angle so he would be facing Soonyoung again. When he spoke, his voice was much lower and much softer. “If it hadn’t been her death, you still would have created a reason to leave. You should at least respect me that much and give me your real reason.”

Jihoon lolled his head to the back, closing his eyes; Soonyoung saw his eyebrows crease as though he were in excruciating pain. “Seungcheol is dying. Jungyeon is dead. I don't even know what we are,”

“I’m here.” Soonyoung said sincerely, fighting the overwhelming urge to collect Jihoon into his arms and never let the boy go. Never again.

Jihoon was silent for a while. “My heart wants, my mind rejects.” He said then looked up again at Soonyoung who had been more than shocked by the statement. “My head betrayed my heart, Soonyoung. And I was caught in the crossfire of their conflict.” He was smiling a smile that didn’t touch his eyes –that smile he had to turn into a thin line before the quivering took place.

But Soonyoung wasn’t speechless.

And the momentum was in his favour. He could always win whenever Jihoon got desperate enough to start talking, to start expressing all his feelings, especially the negative ones.

“Tell me which one was it, your head betrayed your heart, or your heart betrayed your head?” He watched the weight of the question hit Jihoon. “Cause honestly each has a way of destroying you, none less than the other.”

“But only one of them can serve you the fatal blow.” Jihoon murmured.

Soonyoung smiled, not letting Jihoon escape his gaze. “You think after all you’ve been through, after all _we_ have been through the fatal blow wasn’t delivered? You think you can forever live wallowing in your pain and use it as an excuse to shut everyone even more?”

_You think I don’t want you to help me heal, that I don’t need you to!_ Soonyoung couldn’t scream the words he wanted to scream the most’ he wished he could heal himself with the pantomime they were both stuck at.

“Why do you’ve to push me so hard?” Jihoon asked; it wasn’t anger but the emotions injected surpassed that of any of his anger breakouts.

“Because I love you, Jihoon. Because you wouldn’t tell me how you feel unless you’re cornered and even then…” Soonyoung trailed off, taking Jihoon’s hand in his, his heart beating faster. He spoke in a lower tone. “And even then you still wouldn’t tell me.”

All he could say had been said, it was time he proved it. He titled Jihoon’s head up, leant in and kissed Jihoon. Soonyoung put Jihoon’s hand on his very own heart rather than his like four years ago. It wasn’t a question of whether Soonyoung loved Jihoon now, it was a question of how Jihoon still did and refused to admit it.

Even when there was a hand between Soonyoung's hand and Jihoon’s heart, the hard heart-beating was unmistakable.

Jihoon pulled back his hand, pulling away and steadying Soonyoung away from him with his two hands. Soonyoung watched Jihoon’s smile. It was cozy. That might have been because he felt so much pain back then.

The smile was genuine; it wasn’t the I-need-you-to-hate me smile Jihoon had adapted in the last few weeks. They stood without talking or moving for a while. And Jihoon’s phone took the chance and started making some noise. Soonyoung pleadingly looked at him, begging him not to answer. But when he started walking to his phone Soonyoung saw the caller’s ID.

Hoseok.

Soonyoung's hands clenched and he looked to the left, feeling angrier by the second. “You broke your promise again,” Soonyoung bitterly shouted. The phone was still ringing. “I asked you not to fall for anyone and you’re still going to him.”

“I didn’t break my promise.” Jihoon bellowed, his eyes shooting daggers.

“You’re still going to him even now as we talk. You still choose him over me –the person you weren’t afraid to love.” Amidst Soonyoung's accusations, he was surprised to find some crystal-clear truth.

But they were also half-truths and withheld facts.

He was being pushed back, stumbling and falling on bed. He couldn’t regulate his breath; Pain’s hands were too strong to fight and they left his lungs gasping for breath.

He opened his eyes to see Jihoon standing boiling with rage before his eyes.

“I loved him yes, but he reminded me of Seungcheol-hyung. Wonho’s like a brother to me, you idiot.” Jihoon shouted.

“Can’t you see it?” Soonyoung clamored, getting up. “That’s even worse.”

The light of dawn slipped further into the room, touching two shell-shocked boys with a facsimiled expression: horror.

“I’m sorry.” Soonyoung said, grabbing his clothes and pushing past the thunder-struck Jihoon.

_And my soul has been tarnished._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a round of applause for the 5k chapter aka the longest chapter since part II  
> lol anyhoe, it's ending?? yay???? :')


	21. Leo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> early update bc this /has to/ be over  
> oh!  
> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
> I hope you guys have a good memory ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

 

Jihoon sat down reading a book, distracting himself; he had one more lecture and then he could go home. And luckily it wasn’t the one he shared with Soonyoung.

He was glad that lecture was on Sunday; that had been the day he last saw Soonyoung, the day he had slept with him, the day they fought. But that wouldn’t last long; it was the end of the weekly-lectures-cycle. It was always hard avoiding seeing someone; one sometimes even felt like elements of nature plotted against him and fixed him and that person a date just because they were avoiding each other.

At the end of the day, Jihoon didn’t call Wonho back. He didn’t speak to him at all.

He was also avoiding laying the question down unembellished. He didn’t know if he were truly thankful that call came in the time it did. But it was also the reason he couldn’t sleep at night, the reason for his nuisance.

After all, his sudden realization came booming down harder than any thunderbolt while it was also not that wholly alien to him, the concept itself for the matter.

He decided to wait at class, maybe meeting a distraction on his way and playing around a bit.

While he was grabbing his bag, oblivious to the opened zipper, some of his stuff fell down. He bent down but a hand had already beat him to his fallen possessions.

_Please tell me he lost the bracelet and someone else is wearing it._ Jihoon begged in his mind, but of course it was wishful thinking.

He still wouldn’t straighten up and he was getting back the pencil that rolled away. When he did, he wished he had got up sooner. Soonyoung was holding out the fallen book to Jihoon, handing it without a smile.

“I believe this’s yours.” He said.

Jihoon pressed his lips into a hard line and shoved the book into his bag, probably going to regret doing so later because the bag had papers which could have bent edges in the wake of that reckless shove. Even if the book was a hardcover, the papers could still be damaged.

“I’ll walk you to class.” He said and motioned for Jihoon to walk.

“I thought you were avoiding me.” Jihoon said suspiciously.

“I was, but I can't keep ignoring you for long,” he laughed, “but of course you already know that by now.”

Jihoon gave a noncommittal shrug and started walking.

“Listen,” Soonyoung began, already sounding on the verge of an apology. “I’m sorry for what I said days ago, I didn’t mean to imply-”

Jihoon had to interrupt him. He stopped walking and rushed to stop in front of Soonyoung, forcing the latter to come to a halt. “It’s okay, all in the past.” Hearing it once again in the clear wouldn’t help Jihoon’s mentality at all.

Soonyoung nodded, understandingly. “So are we clear?”

“You’re the one who always determines that, Soonyoung,” Jihoon said with, unconscious he was drawling with a smile.

Soonyoung smiled to himself. “Yea, I guess. I mean aren’t I the one who always comes back?”

The tension seemed to lighten. “Stockholm syndrome, yea?” Jihoon teased.

Soonyoung laughed loudly this time. “Ironic, eh?”

“Extremely.”

“We’re always back to each other’s side nowadays even tho we’re always fighting,” Soonyoung said mostly to himself, then he laughed again.

Jihoon joined him. “We didn’t fight that much when we were young.”

There were no laughs this time but Jihoon heard _things weren’t so complicated back then_ and decided to ignore it for the sake of their peace of mind; despite how wrong the statement was. If anything, things got less complicated now; neither of them expected anything from the other. At least, Jihoon thought as much.

They started talking casually about Heechul-ssam’s lecture on their way to Jihoon’s next class. He had almost forgotten they had ever fought. Not that it was their first time fighting.

“So,” Jihoon said with a teasing smile, “aren’t you going to ask me about Wonho?”

The smile disappeared only for less than a second. “I’m done with questions, I have my answers.”

Before Jihoon could begin the cold staring, Soonyoung was hugging him, “I’m sorry, okay?” he whispered as he buried Jihoon’s face in his chest while gently holding the back of his head. Jihoon who was predominantly overwhelmed by the hug. “For everything.”

It was a moment of honesty. “Yea. And I'm sorry for a lot more than that, Soonyoung.”

He pulled away, nodding and smiling. Jihoon’s bag fell again and he wanted to curse his stupidity infinitely for not zipping it.

Another book had fallen.

Soonyoung was already smiling and getting Jihoon’s fallen book.

He was watching Soonyoung's smile fade as he knelt down; he was watching Soonyoung’s mouth opening a bit as the latter closed his eyes and wetted his lower lip; eventually biting it. He shook his head as he got up.

“There’s something I forgot to finish. Here,” he handed him the book, already turning around and walking away. “You go home today on your own.”

Jihoon stood staring at Soonyoung's back as he hurried away, he felt like he was drowning beneath the waves yet he was still thirsty; as if he had been rescued but he still kept on running.

It was the feeling he always felt when he was with Soonyoung.

 

 

****

****

****

It had been so long.

So long ever since Soonyoung drank himself up like that.

It was Jihoon’s secret spot. And Soonyoung had a bottle of liquor, some printed papers, a book and his laptop lying on the grass next to him. He had his glass of alcohol secured in hand. And he was laughing.

He read the paper; it was what he had written when Jihoon had first returned.

 

 

> How come a memory is capable of providing such warmth even in the midst of one of the coldest winters? Are your remnants all I have left? When you, the substantial provider of such warmth, are colder than ice.

 

He laughed again, having a cheer in the air with a nonexistent person.

He crumpled the papers and threw them away, not caring where they ended up lying. Soonyoung was too busy laughing his pain away again; he was too busy moping. He started writing in a blank document on his laptop, laughing at first then he gradually started calming down once he put down his glass.

His writing was starting to rub off on him, the nostalgia was weighing its wistfulness on his heart.

 

 

> Is it possible to feel so alone after loving the person you’ve been crazy about for who knows how long? Does love really leave you so helplessly empty or it was I who did everything wrong from the very first start & now I’ve to repent, to redeem what I thought was for a good cause? Is now the time to reap my fair share of pain just like he never did with his more than fair share of happiness?

 

He looked longingly at the typed words then looked up at the stars.

_Why?_

He opened the book, looking for a certain page.

All he could see now were Jihoon’s hands as their owner bent down to pick up the crumpled papers. Maybe he had been laughing too loud. It didn’t matter; he laughed again, feeling sillier.

“Amazing! You’re just in time. You’re about to see the show get started.” He looked up and saw Jihoon himself had just looked away from the papers and at Soonyoung, his eyes widening, probably at the realization.

With some effort in spite of being drunk, Soonyoung managed to gracefully get to his feet. A decent few meters rested not-so-comfortably between them.

“Let me quote you one of what used to be my favourite book,” Soonyoung got up, holding the book in his hand, about to read out loud what he had already memorized by heart. “Listen to this, this’s really great.” He laughed drunkly and started reading,

 

> “... _the tenth hour struck and the sad violin played on. As he stared out of his window, haunted by morbid thoughts, he fancied seeing Leo Minor revolting against the chaos of the sky, trying to offer some peace. And all the dreaminess floating in his head wasn’t truly reflected in what he was seeing. Instead, he depicted some stars as an eye, an eye that echoed the loneliness of a resigned man who created the sky and belonged to none but his suffering soul. Star clusters danced at the sad hymns, at those pungent sounds coming out like a slow requiem, marking each wasted breath of his that struggled to be liberated in that new light shed by the melancholy night –a countdown to retribution. He could only imagine his old self as the creator. The boy rejuvenated; he hoped. And hence, a comet appeared, shooting down from the sky. All he could see was a perfect constellation of tears forming in his eyes, accumulating in his lower eyelid. An immaculate glistening against his inky irises, limpidly reflected in the pupil as it glimmered, letting his eyes close like one of the most delicate clamshells. Everything seemed phenomenally embellished with the authenticity that triggered the feeling regardless of not knowing the specific reason.”_

Soonyoung stopped reading, watching Jihoon’s hand dig into his shoulder as the latter closed his eyes. He hoped Jihoon was in pain. Again, Soonyoung laughed, pushing away his own pain.

 

>  “ _The tear trickled down wearily, slipping down slowly, as if it were seeking a refuge. Reminding the boy if a comet escaped the void of space to earth in hopes of finding or destroying itself in a foreign lonelier planet, then everything was doomed to some tragic form of absolution. Alas, the void was his eyes, the comet was his fallen tear. That was where his hope found solace. The comet was caught only by the eyes of the boy, understanding at last if a lonely comet was able to find salvation, then so could he. And so, he wished upon the star. He wished from the depth of his heart, the depth he hoped wasn’t there, genuinely hoping it would make his wish attainable.”_

He closed the book with a loud thud, still looking at Jihoon who hadn’t moved an inch. He held out the book. “This book was brilliantly written, don’t you agree?” He laughed again. Soonyoung knew he was losing his mind but was there really anything left to lose?

He closed some of the distance, fully aware the last thing he needed right now was being physically close to the one guy he loved more than his life.

“I was in your room, in your _damn_ room, Jihoon, four years ago. And I expressed my love towards the book, telling you that you should read it and how personally you’d relate to it … I was stupid.” He hissed the word stupid, his laughter stopped abruptly as he tilted his head back to get a look at the stars. He was trying so hard not to break down.

For years, Kwon Soonyoung had been doing nothing but trying so hard.

Soonyoung walked till he had reached Jihoon and he shoved his book in Jihoon’s chest. “Five nights ago,” he started whispering, looking at Jihoon’s pained eyes, pleased to see the pain in them. “I told you how bad it was to love Wonho as you saw a brother in him, oh, I did!”

“It’s not.” It came out barely audible on Jihoon’s second try to voice his words. Soonyoung considered hitting him on the head with the book, but even then they wouldn’t be square.

“So the truth is now a lie because you couldn’t face it?” he retorted bitterly; it came out sounding a great deal like a shout.

Jihoon opened his mouth to say something but it was soon clamped shut and Soonyoung was staring blankly at his companion.

On shaking his head and laughing bitterly one last time, Soonyoung said, “You’re an idiot.”

“All of a sudden I am?” Jihoon looked like someone who was hearing the sun had set in the east.

“You’ve been for a while-” He broke; Kwon Soonyoung finally broke, “-You have been in love with your brother ever since we were young!” Soonyoung peaked.

He watched Jihoon go utterly pale; utterly horror-struck, then he threw the book on the ground, angrily turning around. “Our first fight, when you first kissed me for real, there was a shooting star and we had the misfortune of not seeing it together, but each of us saw it on his own-”

_I’m stupid._

_So fucking stupid._

“-I thought I could overlook it for your sake, I always pretended the problem never existed, you know. But I saw the way you look at _him_.” He couldn’t resist turning around and seeing Jihoon’s expression this time. “Sangchul Ahn, the revered author of _Cosmic Love_ , is none but your beloved brother.” Soonyoung spat and Jihoon’s expression suggested his words were tangible; that the damage was tangible.

But Soonyoung’s very own words struck him deep down worse than they struck Jihoon.

And in the torrent of emotions that gripped both of them, they were both left momentarily mute.

He could see it all in the same time, all the warning signs he had deliberately ignored for the sake of his wishful pining heart. And nothing was ever going to be the same; not when everything was exposed to that filter, laid under that light, the light truth had shed.

The light Soonyoung had always tried to outrun.

“Even the name, god! It’s an insult to call myself blind, insult to blind people.”

This time Soonyoung didn’t laugh. He stomped his feet with so much force that the ground left it throbbing. He let out a frustrated scream, one that could make his ears buzz had he been the one listening to it. He searched for clues in Jihoon’s face; there was something scary beneath the calculating façade. Scary because Soonyoung thought he was seeing a tear.

“That was the night you first learnt he was leaving, right?” Soonyoung asked as soon as he was once again standing in front of Jihoon.

_Tell me I'm wrong, Jihoon. Please._

“What happened that night, Jihoon?” Even then, when he asked him the question, it wasn’t hostile; he could hear the tremor in his own voice.

Soonyoung was just at his limit.

“Nothing.” Jihoon said, looking Soonyoung in the eye. Soonyoung who was livid to see that Jihoon’s eyes had tears in them, and angrier to realize they really looked like a constellation.

And he had a hard time dealing with everything; from looking at Jihoon, to loving Jihoon, to breathing.

“Why did you bother with me then? What was it, huh? You loved me or you simply got used to me?” Soonyoung shrugged, pretending the words didn’t hurt in his throat. “Or is that the feeling I give you, that you are special?” he laughed at his own stupidity and didn’t speak for a while; he simply watched Jihoon as the tears shed apart his pride, as it took him everything not to let out the sob or cry more than the silent tears.

Soonyoung lowered his head to be in level with Jihoon, and it still broke him to see the younger’s torn expression. “Why wouldn’t you say anything?” Soonyoung hissed.

_Two broken pieces shall never make a whole…_

“Why would I?” Jihoon asked, pressing woeful smile, one that made Soonyoung's heart yearn but it also made it harder. “You finally have a reason to hate me.” He put an apologetic hand on Soonyoung’s shoulder, as if it were time for false reassurances.

And he walked away. Crossing paths with Soonyoung the same way he had when he had left him four years ago.

Soonyoung felt light-headed; he felt like his world was spinning, going around too fast for him while he was going to faint. He couldn’t even feel Jihoon’s hand on his shoulder anymore.

His eyes were still wide, but nearly as wide as the holes Jihoon had left in his heart.

He was cold. He was numb.

“So even now you’re walking out on me, you’re still running away?” Soonyoung turned to Jihoon, seeing a shrug and a decent amount of unleashed tears.

“Guess not even stars last forever, Soonyoung.” That was the last thing Jihoon had said before he picked up pace and disappeared into the woods.

Soonyoung screamed again, kicking the book that lied beaten on the ground.

_I’m sorry, Yoojung, but this’s as far as I can go._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pffft, no ofc I didn't write a 125K fic just bc of this scene, what nonsense smh  
> (or I hope it was kinda obvious, @ non : ok bish maybe you were right this time lol)


	22. Scorpio

 

 

“I’m sorry.”

It was the thing Jihoon had been sitting on Soonyoung's doorsteps for hours to say. He said the rehearsed line and looked up; Soonyoung was clutching to his satchel’s strip and looking emptily at the ground.

Soonyoung ignored him and started unlocking the door; he cursed as he failed to from the first trial. As stupid as it might sound, Jihoon thought it was a good sign. Couldn’t blame someone who was clutching at straws.

He put his hand over Soonyoung's, waiting for him to meet his eyes. He didn’t speak till Soonyoung had looked up. “I really mean it.”

He felt the muscles in Soonyoung's hand shift and he saw him blink thrice before his eyes were fixed on Jihoon again. Soonyoung still opened the door even when Jihoon’s hand was still on his. Jihoon found nothing else to do but enter the empty house as well. He took a wide step to the back, so he would block Soonyoung's path; it seemed rather funny how he thought his small built could block Soonyoung or, much less, anything.

“Just listen, please.” Jihoon begged, slightly putting a hand in front of Soonyoung's torso so the latter wouldn’t move. When Soonyoung’s muscles seemed to relax, Jihoon gently -almost didn’t put any energy in the move- pushed Soonyoung’s back till his whole body back stuck to the door.

Soonyoung only slid against the door, his knees bent before him and his head hanging.

Jihoon kept gazing at him, waiting for the fallen boy to look up.

And once he did, Jihoon said something that should have been said years ago, and it had never felt more right. “I love you.”

He watched Soonyoung's eye shut down slowly, his grasp getting tighter on the strap; he tilted his head backwards and meekly hit it against the wooden door –the way one did when he was unsure how to take up his feelings. “What changed?” Soonyoung murmured, still hitting his head.

Jihoon felt a bit hurt at the statement. In a way, he wondered if this was how Soonyoung had felt all those years. And the thought did nothing but increase his pain.

He was done with giving up on love. Jihoon was done with giving up on Kwon Soonyoung.

“Nothing.” Jihoon replied, crouching down to hold Soonyoung’s head in place, watching his tender eyes as they held him. “I’ve always loved you but-” Jihoon was starting to hope more strongly.

But.

“I loved you but?” Soonyoung asked, smiling bitterly as he titled his head. “Tell me, Jihoon, what’s a ‘but’?”

Jihoon felt the gravity of his mistake. He bit his tongue; it was a question to be answered. He would have to find another way to fix his shit. “A conjunction used to avoid misunderstanding-”

On reconsidering what he had just said, he realized he could have chosen another less-explicit definition.

Soonyoung shook his head. “And what’s there to misunderstand after saying you love someone?” He still wouldn’t push Jihoon away even though his voice was venomous. “What kind of _love_ is that?”

Jihoon didn’t expect that question and for the first time, he couldn’t wing it. It only took a single wrong word and he be watching his world crashing down.

“I forgot how to love you.” Soonyoung said at last, closing his eyes and getting back to hitting his head against the door.

“Only the charm is gone, Soonyoung. If you loved me truly, it’d have been impossible to forget the feeling.” Jihoon wouldn’t let himself think about what would happen if Soonyoung's former statement had been true; if he had really meant it. Jihoon, too, used to say plenty of things he didn’t mean, either to his own amusement, the person he had grown to be, or to hurt someone, the person he had always been.

Soonyoung laughed and as he looked into Jihoon’s eyes, he was smiling. “Of course. It’s something in my nature. Once the charm is gone? What nonsense! I never had a charm, I never needed a cause.” He let that sink in and Jihoon could swear, as Soonyoung looked so intensely into his eyes, he could peer into his soul. He wished Soonyoung would peer enough to see his heart like he always did; he wished Soonyoung would give him one last chance where he could finally be honest with him. And Jihoon felt as though his heart weighed tons. “I loved you because I did. Because it was you. I loved you because that was enough.” By the time he finished the sentence, Soonyoung had rendered the venom in his past replies meek. This was on a whole new level.

Soonyoung had loved enough to hate, and he could hate enough to love.

He shook his head and proceeded the bumping. “And they said you couldn’t feel your desire for something till it was gone.”

Maybe the most trivial of situations were all it took to trigger Jihoon’s true colours; as though they hadn’t enough of these.

Jihoon’s hand suddenly hit the place right next to Soonyoung's head. Soonyoung’s head stopped moving and he opened his eyes abruptly. He was alive; he was reacting to Jihoon’s hostility.

“They?” Jihoon spat, leaning in, almost touching Soonyoung's head. “They don’t know… I didn’t, not until recently. But now I know, I know too damn well what it is to be deprived of something you loved wholeheartedly.” Soonyoung's eyes were wide open and the words burnt on Jihoon’s tongue. “The only difference this time is it’s someone rather than something. And that just makes it unbearably suffocating. I feel like it’s slowly drawing my breath out till there’s no more. I thought I could live pretending I don’t need any of this, but, alas-” he motioned resignedly upwards with his hands, “-I failed at the mere pretense.”

Jihoon felt like crying. He was actually thankful for the anger at that time; it saved him the trouble of the other emotional outburst, the one he didn’t prefer and avoided if possible. However, his voice failed at not breaking down; it cracked as he uttered the last sentence. He was finally dealing with everything he had been running from for years. He was finally speaking the words Soonyoung died to hear.

And he meant them. Every single last one of them. That was their kernel of truth.

And it was as if his tears were being channeled. Soonyoung was tearing up as he stared blankly upwards.

Those were tears shed for a cause that was only a lie to subdue the real thing. More and more painful memories disguising and disclaiming the real wound, the never surfacing yet never healing wound. When even ‘smiling sadly’ become a yesterday.

“I’m sorry.” He apologized again.

“That’s not what’s making me cry.” Soonyoung said numbly.

“It doesn’t call for a genius.” Jihoon fell forwards to his knees, his words a tender whisper.

Soonyoung gave him a puzzled look. He was back to reality when he felt Jihoon’s breath on his skin.

“To be able to tell how much pain you’re going through to go as far as to ridicule your own pain.”

He caught a tear on his thumb and lifted it up against the sneaking moonlight. And for the first time in his life, Jihoon didn’t see the science in the mechanism; the tear was purely emotions to him.

 “I’m sorry, Jihoon, but your confession pales into insignificance now.” Soonyoung was whispering only because he couldn’t find his voice.

No matter what Soonyoung wanted to say, there had only been a few things on Jihoon’s mind. Some that he had already said, such as him being sorry, others that he would always keep saying, that could only be that he loved Soonyoung. And one last important thing.

“Soonyoung,” he began in such a low tone he thought his voice could betray him any moment, “I would push things so far only to see how much more they needed till they broke,” albeit the thought had always been on his mind, he found a hard time putting it to solid words. It made little sense to him anyways, even though it always had an incontrovertible clarity, which baffled him all the more, “but that’s my limit.”

Soonyoung looked away. Jihoon held his hand.

“You’re broken.” _I’m broken._ Jihoon wouldn’t draw away his hand. “You love me.” _I love you._

“I can't,” Soonyoung pulled in a deep breath, as firmly as he could at that moment, “please don’t make this harder than it already is.” Soonyoung was already begging but Jihoon was kissing him. He was kissing him because he didn’t know what else to do. And for the second time that night, nothing had ever felt that right in his whole life. At first, Soonyoung was unresponsive, then he was kissing him back. Jihoon felt Soonyoung’s lips and hand both hesitate, as though they deliberately didn’t want to take charge.

Jihoon was the one to pull away.

“What was that for?” Soonyoung asked, eyes rekindled with some fire.

“Because it felt right.” He cracked a warm smile.

“It never did in any of the times before?” Soonyoung was still having trouble with his voice, but the tears were no longer there and he was looking Jihoon in the eye.

“I,” Jihoon began, smiling spitefully at the memory. “I was afraid of loving you,” _being ignorant of the concept itself,_ “having uncertainties,” he was seeing Soonyoung's eyes fall shut down again. But his head didn’t resist Jihoon’s touch as he touched it.

_Having suffered._

“How do I promise you my heart when I’m not sure I can hand it over?” Jihoon was scared. And it terrified him how he was laying himself bare at last. This was what the most emotionally courageous of people had taught him; this was what Soonyoung had taught him. “How do I summon the nerve to hurt you after all you’ve been through? Tell me how do I make the person who matters most to me go through this hell I’d composed? Those were my thoughts, those were what I always wanted to scream at your face.”

Soonyoung opened his eyes. “You should have. You should have told me instead of forever leaving me wondering why.”

“I’m sorry.” Jihoon was making up for all the apologies he ever wanted to utter.

“It doesn’t matter now, does it?” Soonyoung’s hand hesitated a centimeter away from brushing a stray stand on Jihoon’s face. He inhaled deeply as he withdrew his hand. “I mean you’re only here because you couldn’t love Seungcheol-hyung.”

“Sshh,” Jihoon leaned in and kissed him again, ready to justify but he still kissed him again. And again. Because it hadn’t been enough. “Can we not talk about that now?”

“How?” even amidst Soonyoung’s pained smile, it still held warmth and love. “That was what awakened you and that was what killed me.” Soonyoung’s hand rested on the back of Jihoon’s head. He wouldn’t yank it down for a kiss and he wouldn’t let it go either.

Kwon Soonyoung was still smiling. Indeed he was never capable of hate.

“I’ll _show_ you what I mean, I will. Just tell me you love and let us go.” He was speaking to Soonyoung as he held his head between his hands and looked him deeply in the eye; the same way one talked to child when they wanted to show them how deeply they cared. But Jihoon’s love was as insatiable as an ocean. And he wanted to feel Soonyoung's pain.

Soonyoung sighed.

“This’s how much of an exception you are,” Soonyoung began, his eyes not yet open. “You betrayed me once, and I forgave you.”

_Chan._

“You keep hurting me with words and actions, you blamed me more than once, taking out your anger and frustration on me.”

_Jungyeon._

“You never understood me and I hurt the people I love because I was hurt because _you_ hurt me. You never once told me how you felt. You left me guessing till the very end and you kept shutting me out,”

_I love you. I always did._

“You love someone else and yet here I stand, refusing to hate you, knowing fully well I’d take you back no matter what. But still,” Soonyoung had finally opened his eyes. “Why do you think I’d take you back? After all you’ve done.” Jihoon was staring at one of the most sincere eyes he had ever seen. Maybe after all, this kind of pain was what left you bare and unafraid.

_Because that’s the kind of person you are._

Jihoon was done thinking; he promised never to think too much while he was with Soonyoung. “Because you always do even when I show no regret. But now my heart is no longer my own, I know just how much pain I’ve put you through.” As he spoke, he could feel Soonyoung’s eyes softening and he could feel his own heart melting. He wanted nothing more than to be done with this stupid fight and throw himself into Soonyoung’s arms and cry and kiss him and love him and simply be his. The way things should have been. “And I’m through with games, this’s where it all ends.”

And he could literally feel the static crackle in the air.

Soonyoung looked like someone who had just avoided a heart attack. He gave Jihoon one last smile, the most genuine of all and he yanked Jihoon’s head down, burying it in his chest. Jihoon was so taken off guard that he felt all the feelings he had been curbing those years surge forth. He could hardly feel the suffocation of the tight hug, he could only feel the love. He could feel Soonyoung’s lips kissing his hair; he could hear Soonyoung’s voice over the loud beating he was hearing in his chest. “You’re stupid, you really are. I can write a book on how stupid you are.” He said in Jihoon’s ears and Jihoon had never felt happier.

He was laughing, not even invading his space bothered him. “You could write a book on anything.”

“But you,” Soonyoung emphasized, holding Jihoon by the arms before him, “You’ve demoted the average stupid to genius when you reached your level of idiocy. How did you ever presume I could ever in any dimension hate you?” Soonyoung slapped his chest and Jihoon laughed.

He could answer that, but he preferred not to. The truth this time wasn’t ugly but it could hurt him.

_Because it’s easier for you if you did, idiot._

And Jihoon was through with hurting Soonyoung.

He had done that enough for a lifetime and it was time to make amends.

“I love you, I always will.” Soonyoung collected a surprised Jihoon once again in his arms, whispering in his ear and muffling Jihoon’s feeble objections at the sudden gesture.

He liked the sound of Soonyoung’s heartbeat. He liked how it felt to be held in his arms once again.

He smiled. _And I was a coward._

 

 

****

****

****

Soonyoung watched Jihoon as he asked him one of the oddest requests.

They said love made you crazier, but he was still naked under the sheet watching Jihoon get clothed, asking him to get dressed as well because they were leaving.

It was past three at night.

He lit the small lamp, only to see what Jihoon had been pointing at, asking him to take it with him.

It was the snow-globe.

And of course Soonyoung complied; he had never been able to say no to him.

 

They walked all the way to their spot in the woods, Jihoon was carrying the telescope bag, it wasn’t the same one but it fulfilled the same purpose. They didn’t talk, but their interlaced hands never once parted. As far as Soonyoung knew, silence was their bestfriend.

Jihoon set down the telescope but lied on the grass himself, beckoning to Soonyoung. He liked keeping a distance because it meant explicitly watching Jihoon who was caught up in his own world; one of his favourite Jihoons. He didn’t even notice how he had been smiling for a while.

Not heeding Jihoon’s verbal and physical complaints, he lied down using Jihoon’s chest as a pillow and listening to his normal heartbeat, thinking of ways he could make it arrhythmic. Soonyoung still had to get used to them ‘officially’ being together.

“I didn’t lie, you know.” Jihoon said, playing with Soonyoung's hair. It felt good. “Nothing happened that night with Hyung. It could have, but it didn’t.”

“It’s okay, you don’t have to talk about it,” Soonyoung tried to smile.

Jihoon’s answer was instantaneous. “Yes, I do.” He said it with so much heat Soonyoung felt something twisting in his gut. It wasn’t that he didn’t have to talk about it, it was Soonyoung who didn’t want to talk about it.

And it wasn’t like Seungcheol hadn’t it all written down.

“I really get it,” he lied, averting his eyes. “All I care about is that you’re with me now.”

What good would it do now anyways? What was done had been done, there was no point in making Jihoon feel bad about what had happened, or Soonyoung to say the least. But what really happened that night?

“Just shut up and listen, okay?”

Soonyoung decided he could overlook the black stain, but now, there was a possibility it had all been in his head because he overthought the situation. It was less likely, but certainly possible. After all, Jihoon seldom lied; he wouldn’t tell the whole truth but he never lied to him before.

He could hear Jihoon taking a deep breath. “I did cry back then, it was after he kissed me. But seeing how emotionally raped I was back then, he let go.” He said and Soonyoung felt weightless a few beats later; when he could finally translate Jihoon’s words. They didn’t sleep together, Jihoon belonged to no one but him.

“You never loved him?” Soonyoung pushed his luck. He raised himself on one arm and looked at Jihoon as the latter snorted.

“I was someone who couldn’t tell admiration from friendship from love, all was the same to me.” He paused, thinking about it more elaborately. “But now, I know I never once did,” Jihoon bit his lips, as though wondering how to phrase his words. In any other situation Soonyoung would have considered having him this instant. “I never wished for him sexually. I just admired him, it was the same way I felt so protective of Jungyeon.”

Soonyoung lied back on Jihoon’s chest so he could rejoice in silence. He was glad Jihoon couldn’t hear how loud his heart was beating.

Soonyoung whispered something –something Jihoon had clearly heard and tried to no avail not to blush at.

He was gently twirling a strand till he had pulled not-so-gently at it. Soonyoung ouch’d, knowing fully well it was once again mischievous Jihoon at play. “The randomness of your hair made me love chaos.”

He was no longer in the mood to fight Lee Jihoon.

Was he even aware of the effect of his words on Soonyoung? Had he always been that much good as a flirt?

They lied in silence for a few beats.

“How did you feel that night?” Soonyoung hesitated. “I want you to tell me exactly how you felt?” He decided the fastest route to healing was when he faced his problems. It would be hard, but it would also set him free. And he could see the realization in Jihoon’s eyes despite the reluctance.

“He kissed me. I was numb at first, having cried for the first time in a long time.” Jihoon sighed, getting up. Soonyoung rose up slowly, watching Jihoon let the words out of his system. “He pulled back, apologizing, without me even having to utter a word. Seungcheol had looked like someone who was both sorry and fearful. I was seeing the shooting star through my tears and I was… lost. I think I was afraid for a second there. I mean, I wasn’t sure how I felt. It was very confusing and time seemed to have stretched endlessly and I was just stuck stupidly there.” At ‘stupidly’, Jihoon spat the word and rolled his eyes, motioning frustratingly next to his head. “It was like when I kissed Chan, it didn’t feel right. They weren’t you.” He let that sink deliberately, looking for the first time into Soonyoung’s eyes. And it was a good call. Soonyoung's heart was fluttering.  
“Later on, I realized I could probably never forgive Hyung, especially that he had crossed so many lines with that kiss. Mainly because he played my ignorance.” He paused again, getting lost in his memories. Throughout his speech, he hadn’t met Soonyoung’s eyes but once. It felt like he was just blurting everything out. “You could say this made us further, but what really broke us apart was the book.”

He sneered and shook his head, the memories still afresh.

“So much for owning at least three copies and always taking one everywhere.” Soonyoung had been at the sarcastic attitude for too long to stop now. He wished he could take that back because Jihoon was clearly hurt at that side comment. “Sorry.”

He sighed again and lied flat on his back. “Well, I was the one who could never throw it away. After all, a part of me had loved the brotherly bond that I had severed,” he looked wishful, “but things became better when Wonho told me Seungcheol was dying, it was a wake-up call and I started trying to amend things.”

A huge part of Soonyoung was relieved when he realized Jihoon hadn’t given up on his brother. No matter what happened, he couldn’t let him destroy what used to be –and might still be- holding him together in the old days. It reminded him of Jeonghan…

He lied on his stomach, head childishly resting on laced fingers. He looked at Jihoon, a playful smile tugging at his lips. “So I’m your one and only?”

“You think I can share myself with more than one person? Please! It’s already hard enough as it is.” Jihoon laughed. When Soonyoung thought about it, he started laughing as well.

“I’d probably kill you before we break-up, you know too much.”

“Then don’t break-up with me.” Soonyoung said planting a kiss on Jihoon’s lips.

When Soonyoung was going for a deeper kiss –when his hand was going under Jihoon’s shirt, the latter pushed him back. Soonyoung was so disenchanted at the moment that the move had enough force to have him flat on his back. “Never intended to.” Jihoon was hovering over him now, and Soonyoung was watching the two kinds of stars he knew.

“He called yesterday. Hyung.” Jihoon was smirking, making knots in Soonyoung’s shirt. The latter wasn’t hearing so much of what Jihoon was saying. He had half risen and started kissing Jihoon again. “He even put Jeonghan-hyung through. Your brother talked to me.”

“WHAT?” Soonyoung's astonishment made him try to fully get up but he hit Jihoon’s head instead. He fell back down nursing his head and hearing Jihoon giggle.

“Obviously, we were all played.” He was still smirking, but this time, Jihoon was looking at a brightly-lit star above. “Maybe we should blame them whenever shit goes south.” Jihoon paused to laugh at the thought. Soonyoung watched the red spot on Jihoon’s temple; he wanted to kiss it but he was sensible enough to know one thing would lead to another and he needed to understand why his brother was with Jihoon’s brother.

 “Wonho told me Seungcheol was dying when he wasn’t, upon that asshole’s request because he wanted to atone for his ‘wrong doing’.” Jihoon made air quotations, referring to what mustn’t really be stated. “He wanted out of my life and back to Jeonghan-hyung's. They obviously got back together a year ago.”

Soonyoung grimaced. _That explains how Cheonsa was miraculously over his break up._

“But then remained my dad?” Soonyoung asked.

Jihoon nodded. “And mine. And our problem too.” He laughed. “Your brother is one hard old brother too. I was getting a hugeassed lecture about your _feelings_ so late at night.”

Soonyoung laughed on seeing Jihoon’s expression.

“Was that why you apologized? I mean it did take you two nights after my drunken-circus –sorry for that by the way.” Soonyoung felt a bit ashamed too but Jihoon was laughing. It was oddly pleasant how easily Jihoon laughed now around him; he actually loved it.

“Idiot.” He flicked Soonyoung’s forehead, making him question who was older once again. “I witnessed that spectacle because I came out to confess to you,” he looked Soonyoung deeply in the eye, twirling a strand of hair around his slender finger. “And you were keeping track of the days?” He cocked an amused eyebrow.

And Soonyoung always fell for the teasing; he felt like a masochist. “I was suffering through them, of course I’d keep track.”

_I might have made up with you eventually too._

Soonyoung might have been uncertain about various things concerning Jihoon, but he had always been certain that he would always want him, that he could never give him up, that he could only stay away for so long.

-that he could never hate him, that he would always forgive him.

And he proved it times and times over again.

Judging from the way Jihoon blinked at him and the sudden heat in his cheek, he was on the verge of a blush.

“Yea, sorry about that. I thought I finally managed to make you hate me but realized I couldn’t live like that.”

It was as good as Jihoon telling him he couldn’t live without him. It probably meant so in Jihoon-Talk. Soonyoung didn’t expect a confession nonetheless. He thought Jihoon would wrap it up in an apology as usual, and Soonyoung, as usual, not being able to live without Jihoon, would forgive and learn to forget.

He had his doubts when Jihoon confessed too.

“I really love that part of you, the one you were trying so hard to subdue, the one that never gave up on me.” Soonyoung could swear Jihoon was blushing. Jihoon also added something about how he kind of enjoyed their ‘game’. Soonyoung wanted to roll his eyes eternally. Of course he would call it a game. The few past weeks were nothing but a game set on hard-mode for Jihoon; a game he didn’t intend to lose at. While Soonyoung suffered through his feelings and warred with them, Jihoon had found something rather enjoyable in his very own battle.

At least, Soonyoung wasn’t the only one who wanted the push-and-pull effect.

And he couldn’t resist teasing him. “You only love me because I didn’t give up on you?”

“Once again idiotyoung strikes.” Jihoon flicked his forehead again. “You are that person who I knew I’d fall in love with because they barged into my life and changed it for the better, Soonyoung.”

Soonyoung didn’t really hear the rest of Jihoon’s sentence; it wasn’t much but he didn’t hear it. He was thunderstruck. Knowing something yourself and having _the_ one confirm it were two different things. It would make the matter much realer, giving you a stronger ground; a stronger faith. And he could still hear Jihoon saying he never once cared about the gender four years ago like it were yesterday.

Soonyoung held him and like that, they were simply kissing.

Soonyoung had to break away because he remembered something important.

He bit his lip. “So you forgive me?” He wished Jihoon would understand at once, that he wouldn’t make him say the words.

He fake punched Soonyoung in the chest and lied beside him, sighing dramatically. “And I'm the idiot! I go advertising everywhere I needed to give you a reason to hate me and you still play the real-not-real game with me.” He mumbled something else unintelligible and made what Soonyoung thought was a pout. But he didn’t feel entirely safe, and Jihoon felt it because he spoke again. “No, Soonyoung. I never hated you and I never blamed you. I only blamed myself for a year then I made peace with the situation later, kinda.”

He could feel the truth radiating from Jihoon’s words. And he felt a shackle getting broken.

“Jennie even said something funny to me about seeing ‘the way I look at you’.” Jihoon laughed but Soonyoung's heart was already in the red zone.

“She almost told me the same thing,” he whispered to himself, remembering the sentence she avoided that day in the library.

“Then you must be really stupid if I were that obvious!” Jihoon reprimanded.

_You were never obvious. I was scared you could never love me._

But it was Soonyoung's past fear, he couldn’t say that now because he no longer feared it.

“I’ve to call Cheonsa, to apologize. I hurt him pretty badly…” He trailed off.

From underneath, Jihoon hit him with something, papers.

Soonyoung looked at him inquisitively. “What’s with you, Lee Jihoon?” he narrowed his eyes. “You’re being way too physical with me.”

Jihoon laughed. “I just want you all to myself.”

Soonyoung stifled the impulse to smirk and turned around so he could fully face Jihoon. “Come here,” his finger beckoned to Jihoon and the latter obliged. Jihoon was prepared for a kiss but Soonyoung only brushed past him, a tease. He backed away, watching Jihoon’s frustrated expression as he laughed.

“Asshole.” He mumbled.

Soonyoung shrugged. “Learnt it from the best.”

“I _said_ ,” Jihoon carried on, “Jeonghan-hyung was lecturing me. He felt bad about not telling you what was really going on with Hyung, and he asked me to apologize to you and he’d be calling you later … only because Seungcheol told him to give us some time _and_ he obviously had some plans for them as well.” He smirked at that and Soonyoung couldn’t help but laugh.

“Which reminds me,” he got up, fumbling in his bag. “This! Open it.” He was holding the same box.

Soonyoung made a face as he got up to see it was only the snow-globe. “I know it’s intact, Jihoon. I don’t need to check it.”

Jihoon made an impatient face and urged him on.

He didn’t understand why, but as he often told himself, as logical as Jihoon was, sometimes he negated all reason in the universe.

He opened it and his expression spoke the words he didn’t. Nothing changed about the snow-globe.

Jihoon sighed. “You have to actually get it out.”

And it finally hit Soonyoung. He never once wondered about the box’s content. Hastily and with shaking hands, he lifted it out of the box, seeing Jihoon crawl till he had reached his side and sat cross legged next to him.

A paper had fallen out.

Soonyoung held it out without unfolding it, feeling his heart race. He felt both fear and excitement, the adrenaline rush. He didn’t have to read more than the first two words. It was Soonyoung's favourite poem. He looked up at the stars, holding back his tears. He could hear it being recited in his head.

_You found me at my nadir,_

_when despair attained new heights._

_I was cold to you,_

“This has _always_ been there?” Soonyoung asked, the tone of his voice didn’t even qualify to be called low.

_Unfeeling._

Jihoon smiled, leaning in for a kiss. “Always.”

As they kissed Soonyoung wondered how different things would have been had he found the paper. But he realized this was what he had always wished for. He got to experience everything, the pain more than other things, but he got the push-and-pull. He got his imperfections.

And what was written in the paper made his heart skip a beat whenever he remembered it.

>  
> 
> _**“You drew me out, made me feel  
>  Nourished my soul, made me love again”** _
> 
> _Thanks for teaching me how to love._

“I'm sorry I never found this,” Soonyoung said with one genuine remorse.

Jihoon glared at him, pressed his lips into an unsatisfied line and said. “I should be the one apologizing for never telling you I loved you earlier.”

“Why didn’t you, at least when you were back?” It stung a bit.

Jihoon looked away. He had looked like someone who preferred not to answer. Consequently, he didn’t reply immediately.

“I was still hurting when I saw you and I realized so were you. So I thought it could be easier for both of us if we hated one another, if you didn’t have lingering feelings and if I never realized –embraced the fact that I loved you.” He shrugged.

“But you knew I loved you still, that I could never hate you.” Soonyoung felt subtle pain. He knew time would be capable of remedying that, as long as Jihoon was by his side.

Jihoon fixed him with a gaze and Soonyoung could trace a hint of sadness rimming Jihoon’s eyes.

“Well,” he was smiling as he spoke, “you didn’t have faith in me back then. As I said, I needed you to hate me. And you _wanted_ to.” Jihoon said and Soonyoung both fully understood what he meant. He was in so much pain back then he preferred not feeling at all because if he did, he knew he would have hated Jihoon. And it was true that he partly wanted that. So he clung to the memory of Jihoon hating and refusing to forgive him instead of questioning his empty words with his actions that spoke much louder.

“You didn’t bother checking the snow-globe. The poem would have given you hope even if it was vague. It sorta hurt my pride how you never did, you know. I thought it is best like that, you never knowing I loved you.” Jihoon finally shrugged.

“Hey,” Soonyoung shifted closer to Jihoon, brushing his cheek with the back of his hand. “Look at me,”

This time, when he saw Jihoon’s glistening eyes, he didn’t feel pain. He was overwhelmed by love.

“You were ashamed of your love?” Soonyoung couldn’t let himself be hurt at that; he would have to take every step gradually with Jihoon. He couldn’t expect everything all at once.

Much to his surprise, Jihoon blushed and looked away. Soonyoung just had to laugh. The tears seemed to have never been there at all.

Soonyoung put the snow-globe away. “I could never let you go either. Yoojung made me promise.” He said a little bit sadly.

Jihoon’s eyes were cast down, smiling a bit. “Yea, she too had a way of always hanging over my shoulder.”

They fell silent. Soonyoung knew discussing Jungyeon now wouldn’t be good so he flicked Jihoon’s head the way Jihoon usually did, grabbing his attention and putting all his happiness into his smile that it made Jihoon smile.

And because Soonyoung knew love was a verb rather than a noun, he kissed Jihoon because words again failed to express his feelings that the painting years ago wished it could.

“No chasing after, we’ll both find each other.” Jihoon said once they broke.

Soonyoung smiled and said, “Always.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, so that's it, guys, this's how I wrap up my schmaltz  
> it'd been fun, hope I'm not the only one :') also hope that it wasn't so dragged yk lol and that it makes sense now (or kinda makes less no-sense lol ... I know jihoon had been such a dick, but what can we do, man u.u)  
> disclaimer: I did /not/ write that poem, it was some japanese poem you can look it up since I wrote this long time ago and I don't have my material x))  
> I've enjoyed this, really, I did so thank you all one last time... A N D, whoops, sorry for any tears :') love you all <3

**Author's Note:**

> //screams at the top of my lungs soonHOON!  
> Hi, I'm Enn and this ship is so underrated yet so real someone had to interfere and manipulate all your hearts into shipping it (listen, I'm angst drama queen, so bear with me)  
> I want to promise this is going to be good lol only so carats would start shipping soonhoon but idk if that would be considered lying; I'm trying, ok?  
> Anyhow, hope you enjoy the story feedback is much appreciated xx


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